Blood Suckers

Last week: Top Model ripped off Cash Cab, with Toccarra hosting a fashion-inspired quiz show. The winners got their own go-see, with Simone winning. The losers took inventory. After a dance inspired shoot, Ren landed in the bottom two with Brenda. Ren asked to leave and Tyra obliged. Who will be eliminated tonight? Find out!

Wanna be on top?

Brenda complains about her dance and wonders about what new look Tyra is going to get her. She misses her long hair. Brenda is Jaeda 2.0! Sans the tears.

Tyra Mail! “When things don’t go your way, sometimes you need to improvise.” Someone suggests comedy club. I suggest stranding them in the Bronx and seeing if they can come home. Anslee reminds us she’s a mom, Simone reminds us she’s smart.

The girls go meet Ms. J, introducing the Upright Citizens Brigade, an improv group. The gang watches the show and Brenda gets pulled on to the stage. She fails at shock. Alasia gets delighted scuba-driving. Simone gets to ride a horse depressed. She’s outside her comfort zone. Anslee washes a Ferrari and is paranoid. She was too long. And no one laughed.

Everyone goes home to see Alasia’s best picture. Anslee doesn’t think she should be here and we see a flashback to her flipping out on Ren a few weeks ago.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow you are really going to blow up.” Exploding models? YES PLEASE!

Sally Hershberger comes by to fix Brenda’s hair. She mentions shaving it. Brenda, that’s shock!

Sally pulls out the razor and Brenda looks like she’s ready to pass out. Sally calls it 80’s punk. Brenda doesn’t like it. Surprise, surprise.

The girls go to Times Square. Dania Ramirez talks to them on a large screen. They even subtitle her. Come on. Dania walks down the TKTS steps to give them their challenge. She blathers on about modeling in between the lines. Is it a commercial challenge already? Yes, it is. Oh, there will be a voice over but they have to stay true to themselves but appeal to the CoverGirl crowd. Dania reminds them that the winner gets a CoverGirl commercial and she will be seen by thousands of people—who shop in WalMart. But tonight, they will be seen by the thousands of tourists in Times Square. And all they really want to see is The Lion King.

Simone reminds us that she’s smart and modeling is hard. The crowd seems to like Tatianna’s commercial. Brenda finds it harder without her hair. Jessica seems to mess up but gives that “oops” smile. Dania tells them not to hold back. Anslee blames her poor performance on not being able to hear Dania. The winner is Tatianna. Dania felt like she knew her. She gets a CoverGirl shoot in Seventeen Magazine. Congrats, Tatianna.

At home, Anslee talks down to Alasia about how she was dealing with her food—whether or not to refrigerate it. Alasia cannot stand to be talked to as such but then hits below the belt. She asks Anslee how she is raising her daughter. Anslee erupts. Krista, of all people, plays peacemaker. As Alasia leaves, Anslee confesses that she will not take any shots at her mothering and that Alasia is barely a woman herself.

In the Top Model lounge, Bianca and Laura drool over the Times Square challenge.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow, beware of the No-Neck Monster.” Is this going to be like Super Smize? Jessica thinks it’s going to be snakes.

The girls go to a room where a bloodied guy is lying in a bathtub. The girls wonder if they are mistakenly at a crime scene when Mr. Jay appears behind them in his Matrix Halloween costume. He takes off his glasses and what the fuck is up with his make-up? Anyway, he tells them that they will be Vampires, CJ (the hapless guy in the tub) will be their victim. And they will be wearing contact lens that will make them blind. Krista is confused. Neo-Jay sends the girls back to hair and make-up.

A now cleaned-up, normalish looking Jay shows them the tub of blood they will be working in.

Angelea: Plays it like she and CJ were lovers.

Alasia: Mr. Jay calls her sensual. He was impressed.

Alexandra: Looks like it could be the cover of a Harlequin novel. Mr. Jay loves her.

Krista: Is told to use her dance skills.

Jessica: Starts off too sweet but switches to hot.

Brenda, meanwhile, can’t get the contact lens in. Anslee has to help her. She starts to have a panic attack. Anslee calls her a baby. Mr. Jay comes in to give her a pep talk. But the male model calms her down.

Brenda: Goes for the lover angle as well. Mr. Jay is impressed.

Tatianna: Has no problem with the blood. The photographer and Jay love her but are a little squeamish.

Raina: Once again, rocks it. Seriously, Raina is way too talented for this competition.

Anslee: Is the one who is called “Romance Cover.” But he starts to like her shots.

Simone: The photographer is bored. Tells her to make it stronger. Mr. Jay tells her to take it extreme. Once the photographer tells her to just feel it, she starts to excel.

Brenda asks if anyone else freaked out about the contact lens. They are interrupted by the Skull and Crossbones. Seriously. I want one model to walk the plank at least once. Please, show?

Shut up, Anslee.

You too, Brenda.

I wonder if my cold is making me less tolerable of these two.

NEW YORK! The girls enter panel…Tyra, what are you wearing NOW? Anyway, there are prizes, there are judges. Nigel, Alasia’s Number 1 Fan and our guest judge is Dania Ramirez from the challenge. Challenge winner Tatianna is up first. Praise all around. Jessica follows. They tell her “less is more,” outfit wise. Tyra loves Jessica’s photo, Nigel and Andre not so much. Alasia is next. Nigel says that she is telling a story with her eyes. Andre loves her legs. Dania says she’s sexy. They wonder about black girls and tubs, Tyra making fun of it. The panel isn’t thrilled with Simone. Tyra tells her to push it. Both Nigel and Tyra wished Angelea threw her head back more—show more neck. Krista follows. Nigel says she looks like she’s levitating, Tyra says the face is wrong. The judges love Raina’s shot. They say she shows a fighter and Raina says she was angry at being bit. The judges say that got it.

Alexandra is next and Andre says he feels “Vampire Romance.” Dania likes her shot. Tyra and Nigel think she has a signature pose but she needs to vary. Everyone loves Brenda’s new hairstyle and she pretends she likes it too. Andre likes the top part of the shot, not the bottom. Anslee is last. Dania says she sees more personality than during the challenge. Anslee says that’s cause she couldn’t hear Dania. The music screeches to a stop. The photo fails to wow as well and Anslee blames her direction. Nigel isn’t pleased.

The judges begin deliberation. They love Tatianna. Andre thinks Jessica is boring, Tyra likes her. Dania doesn’t like Brenda’s picture. Andre only likes her hands. Tyra calls her Soccer Mom with a Cool Hair Cut. Nigel doesn’t like Anslee’s excuses. Tyra likes the male model. They love Raina. I do too. They aren’t pleased with Simone. Tyra thinks she might have to be broken to be made into a model.

ELIMINATION! The girl called first, with the best picture that the girls get to stare at for the next few days is: Alasia. Anslee looks ready to kill someone. Alasia is joined by Raina, Tatianna, Brenda, Alexandra, Angelea, Jessica, and Krista. Anslee and Simone are in the bottom two. Anslee: Amazing bone structure, but last photoshoots were poor. And the judges don’t like excuses. Simone: Strong potential. But she’s not pushing. She’s stuck inside. So who stays? Anslee. Sorry, Simone, but you got pegged as the “Smart Girl.” The Smart Girl never wins! Anslee gets her pictures and places the blame on herself. Tyra tells Simone to study and test.

Simone says she will follow Tyra’s advice. Of course she will.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Next week: Jessica loves Nigel. Anslee is fighting between modeling and motherhood.

Not much more I can say. I’m just over Anslee. And Raina better win.

Moment of the Episode:

Jessica’s “oops” moment at the end of her CoverGirl commercial.

Dance: 10, Looks: 3

Last week on Top Model: The girls had their naked shoot. Raina, Jessica and Angelea excelled while Gabrielle and Alasia fell flat (though new judge Andre lurved Alasia). Gabrielle got the first boot. At the house, Alasia got on Ren’s nerves and Ren admitted she wasn’t happy in the house. The girls had a runway teach with Ms. J before walking in a runway challenge for Rachel Roy. Complete with pendulums. Which knocked “competitive” Alexandra clean off the catwalk. At the beauty shot shoot, Raina and Anslee rose to the top while Ren and Naduah fell. In the end, Naduah was sent packing while viewers can stop trying to guess exactly what type of accent she has. Eleven girls remain, who will be eliminated as Top Model returns to it’s hour-long format?

Wanna be on top?

NEW YORK! The girls return home to admire Raina’s picture. Brenda remembers that her picture didn’t go well. She misses her daughter and her hair. It’s HAIR, people. Ren thought she was going to be eliminated. Oh, Ren’s sad story: Her mother prefers her brother to her. She only started to talk to Ren again because Mom wanted Ren to be a model. She says she enjoys modeling but not the drama in the house. Ren seriously never saw this show before, did she?

TYRA MAIL! “Your fashion knowledge can really take you places—or maybe not.” Anslee says she enjoys the odd hours while Simone has no qualms about being on the show.

The show rips off Cash Cab as the girls board the “Fab Bus,” hosted by Cycle 3 contestant Toccara. Alexandra loves to see another plus-size contestant. Raina gets to be her assistant. Blue team: Krista, Simone, Angelea, Alexandra, and Jessica. Red: Anslee, Tatianna, Brenda, Ren and Alasia. Anslee is not so thrilled. Winners will go on go-sees at the headquarters of bluefly.com. They will also win a spread and gift cards. Raina gets to go as well. The Red team kicks the Blue team butt. But they pull from behind. It’s now a tie: 3-3. It is now a point game. Brenda freezes and the Blue Team wins. Anslee is ready to kill Brenda.

NEW YORK! The Blue Team (plus Raina) goes to BlueFly.com They meet the CEO and Creative Director for their go-sees. Raina goes first and they talk about legs. Constantly. Even through Jessica. Meanwhile, the Red Team goes to help the copy writers with inventory. Teach those bitches to lose. This raises Anslee’s ire even more. We go back to Angelea’s go-see. She impresses the two until she poses. They love Alexandra, especially as editorial. Back in “The Cage,” Ren is debating (still) remaining in the competition. We cut back to Simone, who is playing up her education. Oh Lord, I hope she doesn’t get the “smart girl” edit. At least the execs loved her. They also love Krista. Time to name a winner! Simone wins! Yay for the smart girls!

At the house, Brenda declares that her entire room is going to bed in a half hour. Krista calls her Gepetto, a puppet-master. Krista, Angelea, Alexandra and Raina talk about Brenda. Someone compares her to Miranda from Sex and the City. Someone else calls her Chucky, which is what Ren tells Brenda. She thinks it’s a diss to her hair and says that Alexandra should say “Bleep” to Tyra since Tyra choose the hair. They also compared you to Cynthia Nixon! And they didn’t call you ugly. They just compared you to Chucky as well. Anslee doesn’t think they called her “ugly.” Brenda says Anslee wasn’t in the room. Neither was Brenda. She was out in the hall. Ren told her they were talking about her. Anslee and Brenda start fighting, with Anslee telling Brenda to grow a tougher shell.

THE HOUSE! Anslee apologizes if she woke anyone up with the fight while Ren continues to want to leave.

TYRA MAIL! “Top Models always need to be in step.” Dancing?

The girls go to meet Mr. Jay. He asks for their inspiration. We hear: daughter, mom, etc. Mr. Jay’s like, “Not what I wanted.” Anyway, they are modeling different dance types. Dance, monkeys, dance! Mr. Jay brings in Troy, who was a dancer with the Alvin Ailey company, to help them. The girls hit make up and wardrobe.

Anslee: Rhythmic dancing. Mr. Jay wants shapes and her in the air. He says she missed the model boat.

Jessica: Salsa. He tells her to slow down and go slow.

Angelea: Moshing. MOSH PIT! Mr. Jay asks if it’s always about anger. She says it’s more pain. He softens her up.

Tatianna: Tap. Her energy drops in the shoot.

Ren: Disco. Burn, baby, burn. Disco Inferno. She gives “blah.” He thinks the judges will soon tire of her.

Alexandra: Break dancing. She channels Run DMC and works it.

Raina: Jazz. I really love her.

Brenda: African. She asks if she looks old. He tells her not to focus on that. Then he makes her jump on trampolines. Anslee gleefully watches her fail.

Krista: Ballet. She gets a trampoline and a respect for ballerinas.

Simone: Hip-Hop. Oh lord, she’s not just the smart girl but the pageant girl as well. Oh, Simone. So doomed. The photographer reminds her to have energy. He directs her to have fun, not being pose-y.

Alasia: Interpretive dance. The other girls predict it’ll be bad. Mr. Jay loves it. She uses emotions. Girl actually can model!

That’s a wrap!

Skull and Crossbones. Someone’s going to have to walk the plank. Ooh, wouldn’t that be fun? Making the eliminate girl walk the plank.

More harping on how Ren doesn’t want to be in the house. Brenda confesses she would be pissed to go home before Ren.

Hi, Bianca and Laura. Laura thinks Ren should be more appreciative and Bianca’s all for throwing her out.

PANEL! Good lord, what is Tyra wearing? Anyway, we have judges: Nigel and Andre. This week’s guest is Sean Patterson, from Wilhelmina Models. There are prizes. Jessica is up first. Nigel tells her to feel the emotion while Tyra wanted Jessica to be more fashion. Sean’s ready to combust from sitting by Andre. The panel loves the jazzy Raina. Andre doesn’t like Anslee. Sean likes her face. Andre loves Simone’s feet, how awkward they were. Tyra thought she was too safe. Tatianna rocks the top half but not the bottom half. This was the only good photo in the bunch. Andre uses his new word “Dreckitude” to describe Brenda’s outfit. Sean says, “Saturday Night Live skit.” I love you, Sean. Anslee laughs as Brenda is ripped a new one. Andre makes Alasia take her jacket off and is surprised by her outfit. And not in a good way. But they love her picture. They love Alexandra but she lost her neck. Andre declares Angelea’s shot “fashion.” Sean is impressed that she tapped into emotions. Nigel loves Krista’s picture. Oh dear, Ren, that’s not Disco. That’s “Oh no, the building is on fire!” Tyra asks why she only did four poses and Ren said she only learned them. Tyra asks why she doesn’t want to be there. Ren said there is too much drama in the house. Sean says that if she can’t separate that, it makes him question if she’ll be able to keep her personal separate from her professional.

Tyra asks Ren is she wants to stay as we go to commercial.

We come back to that question. Ren decides that she wants to stay. Aww, no dramatic walk-off. Anyway, the girls are dismissed as the panel heads into DELIBERATION! Jessica and Anslee are so-so. Nigel thinks Simone is confused. Tyra loves Tatianna but her other photos are “dreckitude.” Tyra thinks Brenda needs more edge. Raina is called high-fashion.

ELIMINATION! Best photo goes to: Alasia. Now, lose the shirt. She is followed by: Angelea, Jessica, Alexandra, Krista, Raina (why is she so low?), Tatianna, Simone, and Anslee. Ren and Brenda are in the bottom two. Ren: She was hand-picked to be on the show. She has all the goods, but not all the wants. And she agrees she doesn’t have all the wants. She admits she’s doing this for her mother. Tyra thanks Ren for her honesty. She then reveals that Brenda was going to be the one staying anyway. She tells Brenda that another transformation is waiting for her. Tyra hugs Ren and tells her to work things out with her mom. Ren hugs nobody, which you know Tyra noted. Ren says she liked the shoots but realized this wasn’t her cup of tea.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

So, we are spared more weeks of Ren’s “I don’t want to be here” whining. Now, bring on the Brenda-Anslee bitchfest! You know it’s coming. And I really love Raina and Jessica. Speaking of Jessica, she strikes me as another celebrity doppelganger, but I can’t figure out who. Help?

Also: Props to anyone who knows what this post’s title refers to!

Next week: Cover Girl challenge in Times Square as well as a vampire themed shoot. With a male model!

Quote of the Episode:

“Your picture is good as much as your outfit is bad.”—Sean Patterson to Alasia.

Memory Lane

Oh good, they stopped the CSI:Miami

Future!Ted tells us that Lily loves her birthday. Her alarm goes off and she gets a crown. Future!Ted tells the kids that their Uncle Marshall loves planning birthdays. He gives her breakfast in bed with the theme of a Spanish Interlude, complete with a Spanish musician and picture of Spain. He tells her that there will be a grand party with just the five of them and Ted bringing her favorite dish. He leaves, bringing the musician with him.

That night, Lily gets a camera. She’s excited. Robin and Barney, not so much. Future!Ted shows us a picture of the gang taken after Robin became a citizen. He tells the kids the story of what happened just before the flash went off. We see Robin and Barney cuddling, so they’re still dating. Lily asks Marshall to move between them. Robin realizes Lily doesn’t want it to look like she and Barney were a couple. Lily agrees and says she wants her pictures to have longevity, which Robin and Barney as a couple don’t have. Robin and Barney protest that this is true, but rude. I’m sorry, show, but in the episode repeated last week, it would seem Robin and Barney weren’t so truthful about the downward spiral their relationship had taken until they noticed how awful they looked. So, which is it—open or hidden?

Anyway, Lily says she just wants a picture of her perfect night with her four best friends. At that point, Ted shows up with Amanda.

CREDITS!

Marshall and Lily are stunned. Ted says he invited Amanda because she is going to make Lily a cake—she’s a chef! Bet she’s no Victoria, though. Apparently, they met the week before when some of her hair ended up in Ted’s soup. How very…romantic? Lily looks ready to kill her. Marshall goes to party games—“Lilial Pursuit.” Amanda start first. She confuses Lily with Robin. Ted tries to tell her it’s yellow, which is still wrong. But foreshadowing—we know the Mother is obsessed with the color. We move quickly on to Gild the Lily. Everyone wrote down something they like about Lily and she has to guess who wrote it. After a long one that sounds like it’s from Marshall, Lily starts to cry and hugs Robin, who nearly starts to cry as well. Next is: “She seems very nice.” Lily guess Amanda, but it’s really Barney. Every word was sincere though. Amanda, feeling awkward, goes back to the kitchen. Lily rushes to get in the group shot so Ted tries to get Amanda. Lily blocks him and finally says she doesn’t want one of Ted’s skanks in the group shot. We see said group shot—an angry Lily, an indignant Ted, an uncomfortable Marshall and Robin and an awesome Barney.

After the picture, Lily tells Ted he always brings one of his skanks to their major group events. She even pulls out her photo album to prove it. Marshall tries to distract her, including singing a song. She makes Ted play “Name that Bitch.” This leads to a picture of the group with Slash from Guns and Roses. Except that Ted’s Random Skank jumped in, covering Slash. Robin notices that Barney strikes the same pose in every picture. He says he never takes a bad picture. Robin doesn’t believe it. But Barney says it’s been a gift he’s always had since elementary school. Aww, lil Barney is adorable. Unlike Marshall, who never takes a good photo. Poor Marshall. Robin tries to get a picture while Barney helps himself to some chip and dip, but it still comes out with the same pose. She is amazed.

Moving on, Ted calls Lily a Birthday Brat. Lily says his Random Skanks have ruined many events. She brings up Paris—where she was studying abroad, separated from Marshall for two months. And they had just started having sex, so Marshall was tortured. Marshall was visiting over Spring Break. Except that at the last minute, Ted joined him. With Karen (Hey, Laura Prepon). As the plane was taking off, she confesses to an affair with a professor. Thus, poor sex-starved Marshall was trapped on a plane for 7 1/2 hours with those two arguing. When they arrived at the airport, Karen said she was staying with Lily and Marshall was staying with Ted. The pictures show what a lousy trip that was. But on the plus side, Lily got a picture of a romantic kiss in front of the Eiffel Tower. Too bad it was Karen and Francois.

Lily and Ted argue. The gang points out that it’s weird for someone to go to a party where you don’t know anyone. That’s why Robin didn’t bring Don. She remembers going to a Japanese wedding on a third date. She is forever in that guy’s brother’s wedding pictures. Across the world, the Japanese sister-in-law plays “Name that Bitch” with the guy. Ted argues that he brings these girls because he thinks that they are “The One.” He has to think that going into every relationship because he wants it to be true. Ted switches topics to Robin, Lily’s best friend. Marshall warns Lily it’s a trap, but she continues. Ted points out—accurately—that Robin was once a Random Skank. They use the word “skank” a lot, causing Robin to try to suck down the last of her wine. Marshall grabs his guitar, trying to soothe everything over with song. It doesn’t work.

Lily reminds Ted of the party to celebrate Marshall passing the bar. He brought Strawberry to a grill place. Strawberry freaked out, throwing red paint on the chef while yelling “MEAT IS MURDER!” Ted says there was no way to know she’d do that. Everyone responds: “Her name was Strawberry.”

Amanda emerges from the kitchen with her masterpiece. On the cake, she has written “Happy 42nd Birthday, Lori.” Future!Ted reminds of us Lily’s Glare-o-Death, but surprisingly, it doesn’t happen. Amanda is safe! However, Marshall’s less potent Glare-o-Death does happen. He explodes at Amanda and she leaves, Ted chasing after her.

Amanda refuses to come back. Marshall isn’t so sad. He reveals that he is the one that had to comfort all of Ted’s skanks when they broke up. He no longer has any compassion for them. Ted points out that all of Lily’s photos are staged—no real emotion. He shows a picture from a Halloween Past. Lily and Marshall had a giant fight, but no one would know because everyone looks happy in the picture. Or one from Robin’s birthday. Robin was sick, but Lily made her change and pinched her cheeks to get some color. But after the picture, they ate chocolate cake in Robin’s bed. The gang smiles at the memory. Ted goes all the way back to the first picture he, Marshall and Lily took. We go back to college, where Marshall and Ted decide on “Sitcom Opposite Roommates” pose for their first roommate photo. They are about to take it when Lily arrives for her and Marshall’s date. Ted invites Lily into the shot, because he believed she would last. Touched, Lily agrees to let Amanda back in.

So, Amanda comes back. They take the picture and though Robin tries to trip up Barney, he still looks great. Marshall, not so much—but his eyes are open. Robin, however, is in the “Dammit” position.

Tag: One year later, Ted can’t name Amanda in the “Name that Bitch” game. Lily calls everyone over for the photo—note Ted does not have a skank this time. Barney notices that there is cilantro in the dip. It makes him sneeze and—voila!—the first bad picture of Barney ever.

A pretty good episode. It was nice to see Brooke Nevin (Amanda) playing a character who isn’t a teenager. And the pictures were great to bounce off. And at least I’m not the only one who gets excited about her birthday.

PS: Ten days till mine!

Exchange of the Episode:

“Let’s just take a little walk down Random Skank Lane.” –Lily

“Or, we can just keep strolling down Best Birthday Avenue.”—Marshall

“Do I get a vote? Skank Lane! Skank Lane!”—Guess Who

The Pendulum Swings

Last week: 32 girls flew out to Cali. After revealing their gimmicks…I mean tragic back stories…8 were quickly sent packing. Tyra then narrowed down the remaining 20 to…12. They couldn’t find a thirteenth wannabe so they scoured the country for someone else. While they did that, the girls went to New York, met Perez Hilton, met 13th wannabe Ren and moved into their loft. Angelea managed to alienate everyone but Krista but none so much as Alasia. When we left the wannabes, they were told they would be doing a nude photoshoot. At the end, someone will get the honor of being the first eliminated and retain the greatest chance of having a career.

Wanna be on top?

We see Mr. Jay and the girls from last time. Once again, this is a NUDE photoshoot. Jessica is having a heart attack. Mr. Jay tells the girls they have to sell their one item. The girls attack the mannequin as 14 cycles taught Mr. Jay how to duck quickly. Jonathan Mannion is the photographer. Alexandra is first with a necklace. Mr. Jay loved her facials. Angelea is next with shoes. She worked it and knows it. We see some of the other girls follow in quick succession. Gabrielle goes next with her gold leggings. Mr. Jay wants her to fix her face and she says she can take criticism. But she doesn’t really learn. Jessica comes to set and is worried about what her grandmother would say. But she rocks it. Brenda is still upset about her hair but she sells her watch. I think Krista says it best about Alasia—“She’s a mess.” Meanwhile, Ren bonds with the hair and make-up people and says she isn’t going to try to impress the girls and make friends. But the girls see her good photoshoot and realize she is competition. Krista’s face doesn’t really work.

Skull and Crossbones. Tomorrow you will have your first meeting with the judges. Only 12 will remain. Someone’s going so soon? The girls debate over who will go. Brenda has money on Krista but hopes it isn’t her.

Foreshadowing?

Another Free Willy movie? Seriously? Starring Bindi Irwin?

NEW YORK! PANEL! Tyra greets the Cycle 14 girls and starts with the judges. HI NIGEL! I missed you! Makeover stylist Sally Hirschberger is the guest judge. Tyra then introduces Andre Leon Tailey, who replaces Ms. J. There are prizes: a contract with Wilhelmina Models, a cover and six-page spread in Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl. Ren is up first. Nigel loves her eyes. Tyra says the secret challenge wasn’t to look too sexy. Angelea follows. Andre loves her makeover and her pose. She sells the shoes. Alexandra is next. Andre isn’t too impressed. Raina follows. It does look nice and Andre compares her to a courtesan. Used to jewelry, used to the good life. Tyra praises her boots but then makes her lose her jacket. Nigel thinks she didn’t do it all the way. Simone is told to smile with her eyes. Gabrielle gets silence. And they aren’t stunned from how good it is. They don’t like her pose and Tyra tells her not to lose her neck.

The judges tell Jessica to take her skirt and necklace off. Andre thinks she is high fashion. Tyra thinks she has a gift—a chameleon. Jessica is happy. Sally doesn’t like the pose. Tyra calls it old school but then goes about Krista’s hair. She does know why she got it. Naduah is mixed reviews. Andre doesn’t like Brenda’s leg position but Nigel loves her eyes. Sally tells Brenda she needed the makeover to make her pop. Tatianna is told to vary her poses. The others don’t like Alasia’s photo but Andre loves it. Alasia cries that she doesn’t want to go. Andre says not to cry, he would hang her picture in his salon. Okay. Anyway, someone’s gotta go.

NEW YORK! The judges deliberate. Sally compares Ren to Kate Moss. Andre calls Gabrielle “boring.” Tyra would buy Naduah’s shades. You know, in that shot, Brenda looks like McKey. They’ve reached a decision. Once again, the best photo will be displayed in the loft. But wait, there’s more! The first girl called will get to participate in the challenge prize no matter what. First called: Jessica. She is followed by: Angelea, Ren, Brenda, Simone, Tatianna, Anslee, Raina, Naduah, Alexandra, and Krista. That leaves our first bottom two as Gabrielle and Alasia. Okay, girls, duke it out! Gabrielle: Lovely girl in person, but there was silence when her photo came up. Alasia: Judges were uncomfortable with her picture (except for Andre). So who stays? Alasia. Really? Who knew Andre held so much weight. Sorry, Gabrielle. Tyra tells her she has potential and to work it. Gabrielle goes home to pack. She cries and says she wanted to be the one but she’s not. But she’ll be somebody. Especially now that she’s off this show!

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

In the Top Model Limo, Alasia is still reeling from her near-elimination. Jessica goes home to admire her picture. Ren goes straight for the wine and says the girls are giving her a headache. Ren thinks she’s far too intelligent for the house.

TYRA MAIL! “Why did the model cross the road? Guess you’ll have to find out tomorrow.” By the way, I deplore text speak, so I’m writing out the words. English is important, Tyra! Anyway, Naduah talks about growing up in a cult. She says she wouldn’t change it because it made her who she was. She mention she has a husband whom she did a photoshoot with, got offered to do Playboy (turned Hef down) and did some international fashion weeks. Raina thinks she must’ve gotten a lot of money from that but Naduah says the pay isn’t too good and she’s broke. The girls doubt Naduah’s story. Anslee and Raina wonder about her lack of a wedding ring (not everyone wears a ring, girls) and dub her a pathological liar.

NEW YORK! The girls go to meet Ms. J for runway practice. S/He even has a metronome and a thousand watches. He talks about pacing and how to take off their coats on the runway. Alexandra thinks that doing sports has made her more apt to take criticism. Ms. J sees potential in Ren. Ms. J is open-mouthed at Alasia’s walk. He moves on to part two: The girls will be walking a crosswalk. While talking off their jackets. In a New York winter? As frigid as the one we just had? Jessica goes first. She gets some praise from people on the streets. Angelea follows. Ms. J likes her pace. And wants to see some New York jaywalking. And girls to stop traffic. Naduah loves it but one guy calls her faces “weird.” Back inside, Ms. J reminds them about timing and then lets them go.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow you will need to be in the swing of things.” Alasia: We’re going to be on swings!

The girls meet Ms. J and will be walking in a Rachel Roy runway. The girl who walks the best will get to keep the outfit and get to be on Rachel Roy’s website. But, the runway has pendulums! dun dun dun.

We go back to the Top Model Lounge. Bianca and Laura think this runway is going to be trouble for the girls.

We go back to the runway. Raina says everyone is thinking the worse as they hit wardrobe and makeup. Simone goes first. She gets hit but recovers. Brenda follows. Ms. J likes her. Angelea, Krista and Jessica barely survive. Let’s see how Alasia fares. She survives. Ren’s tattoos are on full display but I love her dress. Can I have it? Anslee, Tatianna, and Raina all get past the pendulums. Naduah praises her walk. She thinks Ms. J was impressed—he doesn’t look it. Alexandra falls down the stairs. She decides to go fierce and you can read it as “mad” on her face. A pendulum takes her off the runway. Alasia is scared for her as they watch. Everyone applauds when she gets back up.

Alexandra: Needs to get back up and work it out. Alasia: Face is great, stride not so much. Rachel loved Raina and Brenda. Ms. J tells Naduah to smile. The winner is Brenda. She gets to keep her dress, which she loves. Jessica, as first picture, gets to keep her outfit as well. I still want Ren’s dress.

At the house, Alasia is loud. Ren tells her to be quiet and Alasia explodes. Did the censors realize they let “fuck” fly through not once, but twice. Ren regrets living in this house as Alasia threatens she knows where Ren sleeps. Alasia did pass the psych tests, right, producers?

In the loft, things are tense! Ren says she went from being poor and happy to drama. She doesn’t know how long she can last. She doesn’t think it’s worth it!

TYRA MAIL! “Make your mark before you disappear” The girls go to Brooklyn and Krista is already on the defensive. Mr. Jay tells the girls they will be doing a beauty shot for a fragrance that sprays a color. But there will be wind and rain but model through it. Alasia is up first and meets Brian Edwards, the photographer. Mr. Jay says she needs to stop analyzing. Alexandra needs to make sure this rocks. She starts vogueing but then gets compared to Cindy Crawford. Angelea rocks her profile. The other girls don’t think Naduah should fix her make-up and that she knows too much. Mr. Jay tells her to go back to the basics and not to overthink. She doesn’t please Mr. Jay. Krista still needs to work her eyes. Brenda got thrown by the water and wind. Anslee rocks it. As does Raina. Ren just wants to get her shoot over with. And that’s a wrap!

Naduah doesn’t think she’ll go. Foreshadowing?

SKULL AND CROSSBONES! Another elimination? Two girls get Tyra’s Prada boot? Ren continues crying about her sanity and her happiness. Then leave. Just…leave, Ren. Alasia thinks she’ll probably go (and by “she” I mean Alasia).

PANEL! There are prizes. Again. There are judges. Double the Nigel! Andre Leon Talley, Alasia’s #1 fan. And the guest judge is Rachel Roy, whose dress Tyra was wearing when she won her Emmy. Alasia is first. Tyra and Andre (surprise, surprise) love it. Rachel wants to see more of her eyes. Anslee is next. She looks like Madonna a bit. They love her profile. Ren is third. She lists her complaints. Nigel says her picture is for H1N1 vaccine. Krista is called “stunning.” Naduah doesn’t wow Andre, he doesn’t feel there is magic. Tyra tells her to stop being so “advertisement” and then makes her take off her make up. Andre calls Tatianna “romantic.”

Brenda gets applause as the challenge winner. But her picture would be rejected at Vogue. She can’t turn. Jessica’s energy didn’t translate to the picture. Angelea is “a mess” according to Andre and Nigel tells her to open her mouth a bit. Alexandra is okay as an ad but Nigel isn’t sure about what it is for. Rachel loves her face. Tyra tells her to keep her reactions inside on the runway. The judges love Simone’s pose. Raina finishes up the photos and looks beautiful. Her eyes are great, I agree with Rachel Roy.

Someone’s going home.

NEW YORK! The judges deliberate. Again. Andre calls Ren a “train wreck.” Krista is classic. Andre calls Naduah “Dreckitude.” He coined his own word. Cute. Rachel Roy is worried about Brenda’s photos on her website. Nigel liked Angelea’s shot and Tyra is amazed by her femininity. Tyra needs to shake the edge out of Simone. Tyra also thinks Anslee looks like Madonna. ELIMINATION! AGAIN! The first girl called, who gets to stare at her picture and win the challenge: Raina. She is joined by: Krista, Anslee, Tatianna, Simone, Alexandra, Angelea, Alasia, Brenda, and Jessica. The bottom two are Naduah and Ren. They hold hands as they approach Tyra. Sadly, one will be kicked off in the next four minutes. Naduah: Judges see edge but posing is classic, wasting the edge. Ren: Edgy, cool with an amazing picture last week but this week’s wasn’t so great. She’s unpredictable. So, who gets to stay? Ren. Because we need more drama. Tyra tells her to fight through the elemenets. Tyra tells Naduah not to water herself down. She’s either classical or she’s edgy. Naduah says good-bye to the girls and then leads. She feels cheated. She wished for a greater opportunity and she has such a great desire. She will continue.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Top Model’s now casting Cycle 15!

Next week: Toccara comes back for a wild ride. Anslee versus Brenda.

Okay, well, now, I’m a bit lost as two of my favorites from last week were eliminated in one episode. But right now, I’m loving Raina. She’s absolutely gorgeous and a great model. Krista is surprising me as well. I think I like Andre as a judge, he seems knowledgeable and he’ll know what a magazine would and wouldn’t publish. But one thing, show: Can we knock it off with the 90 minute episodes? Please?

What did you think? Do you think someone else deserved to go?

Moment of the Episode:

The models strutting across a New York crosswalk.

A Pot of (Fake) Gold

NEW YORK! The Empire State Building is green, which can only mean one thing—it’s ST. PATRICK’S DAY! So, in honor, this post is in green rather than the usual blue. In a deli, the man behind the counter calls for #39. Slapping himself aware, Mac realizes it is him. He orders and meets a woman at the deli. He gets called to a scene but he gives her his second number. She orders a pastrami sandwich.

Out in Brooklyn, Mac joins our crime scene already in process. Danny is taking pictures. Flack tells us our vics are Michael Paley and John Doe. Stella notes blunt force trauma before showing Mac trace that is pure gold. Danny’s found a four leaf clover. Flack wonders if we are at the end of the rainbow.

CREDITS!

NEW YORK! Stella wonders if Michael Paley might be part of a prominent blog, which wrote about homeless in Battery Park. Embarrassed the mayor. They wonder if John Doe is Paley’s blogging partner. Sid gets the bodies and begins cleaning them off. He goes all high tech to clean up one vic’s face. Back in Brooklyn, IT’S LINDSAY! HI, LINDSAY! She finds a giant plastic bottle of water and a ladle. Danny finds footprints. As he takes pictures of them, Lindsay takes samples. Danny figures out the vic’s shoeprints. Another was a business shoe print and the fourth was a work boot. Lindsay thinks a gun was knocked under something but an accomplice grabs the gun. So Paley was shot, the possible Vanderman was beaten to death.

At Sid’s, Stella is told that yes, it is Michael Paley but no, it isn’t Vanderman. Who is played by Aaron Ashmore. Stella doesn’t know if he’s another victim or a perp. Sid reveals marks that may help find the murder weapon. Meanwhile, Lindsay runs the samples she took but no compounds were found in the water. Danny examines the four leaf clover while Lindsay gets the bloody clothes. Lindsay found algae in a vic’s shirt. There is a container of water and electic devices. Danny found out his four leaf clover is one that’s only found in Ireland. Someone been to the Emerald Isle lately?

Mac meets up with his step-son, who was worried about a friend. Named Vanderman. He tells Mac that he’s not guilty of murder but he’s afraid. Vanderman wants Mac to come to him. Reed shows his scar from the Taxi Cab Killer and says he knows how important the right help can be. Reed asks him to take a chance. He agrees to meet Vanderman and pays for Reed’s coffee. The owner gives him a take out menu with a message from the brunette in the opening scene. She wrote a note, thanking him for his kindness. Aww.

Hey, the Whitehall Station, I know that one! Used to get on and off there while working in downtown Brooklyn! As Celtic music plays, Sid continues to examine our dead guys while Hawkes fiddles on the computer with John Doe’s bruise pattern. He goes to Stella…oh, hey, the hair looks better this week. The bruise pattern is from a gold bar, deposited at the Federal Reserve this morning. Only in New York. Erin Cahill brings them into the vaults in hopes of finding their murder weapon. Stella and Hawkes have their work cut out for them.

LADY LIBERTY! Stella and Hawkes call in Adam to help. He has a “shiny” issue. They go over the stacks of gold bars. I don’t know, don’t you think the Federal Reserve would’ve noticed a gold bar with blood on it? Or one that looked like it had been cleaned with bleach? Adam declares, “I got a golden ticket!” He’s found the murder weapon. It even tests positive for blood. Erin Cahill says he came from its manufacturer straight to the Federal Reserve and hadn’t left.

Lindsay tells Danny they are going to the one pub that uses algae to brew it’s own organic green beer. Let the party begin! They enter it during a St. Patty’s pub crawl. The bartender IDs John Doe as “Charlie Cooper.” Charlie hooks him up with a cheap engagement ring, the girl dumps him and Charlie sleeps with her. So, he’s not sorry Charlie’s dead. Meanwhile, the pub crawl is still going strong.

Flack tells Mac that Vanderman and Paley’s apartment was ransacked but a uni is sitting on it. Stella tells us that Charlie Cooper not only travelled to China, he worked for the company that made the gold bar murder weapon. It was a company that melted old gold and turned it into gold bars. As Stella and Flack continue with their work, Mac finds a paper showing the same listing the mystery brunette had circled. We see her go into the apartment and the realtor gives her a note. Mac wrote it, inviting her on a date. Aww.

NEW YORK! Mac and Flack interview the owner of the company and everyone loved Charlie. He was a great employee. Mac asks for some information and the owner agrees to give it to him. Mac believes he’s involved, but his hands aren’t the ones of a murderer.

NEW YORK! At night! Mac goes to meet Reed in some godforsaken New York City alley. Vanderman joins them. He tells Mac that Paley and he were working on a story about fake gold. He and Paley were supposed to meet one more source to publish their story on their blog. He was late and saw the murder. How Paley was shot and the other guy was beaten to death by one assailant. When the guy ran off, Vanderman tried to get the gun. The assailant comes back but Vanderman threatens him with his own gun. Vanderman continued to run. Mac asks who the assailant and Reed tells him to tell Mac. He shows the gun to Mac, who asks him to put it down. Vanderman refuses and as Mac grows more adamant, he runs off. Reed reveals the assailant was a cop.

Flack reveals that the bullet isn’t one a cop would’ve used. He doubts Vandeman’s story. Mac pumps Reed for more information. He only knows what Vanderman told him. As he puts honey in his tea, the spoon gives Mac an idea. Hawkes and Mac test the bar using water, a lead spoon and a battery. The electric current transfers the gold onto the spoon. And it reveals…the bar’s a fake.

Danny reminds Stella about his native Irish four leaf clover. He also tells Stella that a stone Lindsay found in the alley is Kilkenny limestone. Stella wants to know where all these bits of Ireland are coming from. Danny’s found the answer—the Irish Hunger Memorial. I’ve been there. Everything in the memorial is from Ireland and happens to be near where Vanderman and Paley live. It is there that they find Vanderman casing the unis casing his apartment. Flack brings him in.

He doesn’t reveal much but the gun reveals more. It jammed, which is why the assailant decided to pummel Cooper to death. But they cannot raise the removed registration number. Mac uses some science magic to raise the numbers and the gun comes back to Finnegan AKA the Bartender. So as the parade goes down 5th Ave, Danny and Flack hit the bar. They call for Finnegan, who throws his tips into the crowd, jumps the bar and runs out the backdoor.

We cut back to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade as Finnegan runs right through it. Flack and Danny try to follow, Flack more successful than Danny. But Finnegan runs into a dead end and realizes that running into a parade where a THOUSAND COPS ARE MARCHING wasn’t a good idea. Finnegan is in with Flack who says the cops now filling out paperwork rather than partying at the Knights of Columbus aren’t too happy with him. Meanwhile, Stella and Mac confront the owner about his fake gold. He was informed about Charlie’s snitching by Finnegan, whom he then hired to kill Paley and Vanderman. He shot Paley, the gun jammed so he beat his enemy Cooper to death. Vanderman thought he was a cop but was threatened by Vanderman. Finnegan says he isn’t going down alone. The owner refuses to say anything. Stella brings in Erin Cahill to charge him with various FEDERAL offenses. He’s like “Oh, crap.”

In his office, Mac gets ready for his date with the mysterious brunette. Reed stops by, tells us that Vanderman is trying to rearrange his apartment and his life. Reed shows Mac Vanderman’s newest blog post—how the NYPD helped him and Paley reveal the gold scam. Reed apologizes in case he did something wrong but Mac thanks him for convincing him to take a chance. Reed invites him out for a green beer but Mac takes a rain check. Mac meets up with the mysterious brunette. I think she introduced herself as Aubrey. Not too sure.

A pretty good mystery, though not sure why they decided to do the St. Patrick’s Day episode a week ahead of schedule. But since there is no preview, I guess they were scheduled for a hiatus. And I’m curious about the mysterious brunette.

PS: Dear Sea World, the Manta isn’t the only rollercoaster like it. Facing down, flat on your back? Yeah, check out Superman at Great Adventure. Same position.

New York Moment:

Finnegan being chased down by Flack, joined by the cops from the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Perez Hilton, Wax Figures and Model Wannabes, OH MY!

Break out the stilettos and weaves! It’s time for another cycle of America’s Next Top Model. Which means, of course, we start with my absolutely least favorite episode of the season: The casting episode.

Blech.

Wow, Mr. Jay once had black hair? Anyway, Tyra talks about how she’s created this international phenomenon. Look, it’s Cassandra and Elena. And Naima, Danielle, and Whitney. And poor CariDee freezing in the pool. And remember all the shorties from last cycle? Not in this round apparently.

LA! Sinead O’Connor is trying to be America’s Next Top Model? We meet Anslee and Alasia. Tatianna and Raina tells us about Tyra’s MyFierce page. Oh lord. The girls freak out as Tyra begins to use her webcam. The Jays can use one as well. They “banter” before Tyra tells the Jays to narrow down the 33 girls. She signs off as Alasia says she’ll pass out if she appears. And thus she does—the girl hits the ground. Everyone freaks down. Tyra then introduces the Jays. One wannabe compares them to gods. Tyra spots Alasia’s wig—seriously, girl, why were you wearing that? They are going to make “MyFierce” pages.

Orange soda isn’t strong enough for this.

Krista goes first to take a photo. Next we see Angelea, who was from Cycle 12. She was the cast episode bitch, remember? She impresses Mr. Jay. Brittany follows—she won an online competition to be apart of the show. Sinead O’Connor is actually named Naduah, who has modeled in Cancun. Danielle comes in, all pierced and tattoo-ed up.

Jeanna walks down the runway first for Ms. J. Alexandra is next…I smell this cycle’s plus size model. Hallie follows and admits she is a spoiled brat. She doesn’t care about the money. Gabrielle says her strength is being bi-racial. The other girls gossip about the return of Angelea. Gabrielle notes that the mean girl never wins.

LA! The Jays and Tyra sit at panel. Angelea walks in first and is thankful. She blames her attitude on her guy. She says she got professional help and lost her crazy nails. She even knows some of the fashion industry. Tyra is impressed with the change. Hallie follows and says she likes Chanel and likes simply. She declares herself a trust fund baby. Her godmother is Cybil Shepherd. Yeah. Simone is next. Her life goals: Victoria’s Secret model or Hilary Clinton. Talk about extremes. She says she is more drawn to whites. Outside, Raina talks about being a volleyball champion and had an awkward phase. We learn that Jessica is from Arkansas and has a young son. She conceived the first time with a boy she met at church and she married him, but the church kicked them out. Raina comes in and Mr. Jay loves her eyes. She says she used to be shy and lived in a bubble and then broke out. Brenda comes in next and reveals she was adopted. She and her boyfriend found her biological dad—a convicted criminal. He denied she was his daughter but she was happy to find him. And like Jessica, the first time she had sex, she got pregnant. They tell you once is all it can take so why is everyone so damned surprised these girls got knocked up in one go?

Anyway, Alasia is a Christian punk. She tries to quote a Biblical verse but can’t remember where it was from. The girls ask Alasia why she is so enamored with Tyra. Krista believes that Alasia is revealing her esteem issues. Alasia doesn’t care.

LA. Tyra tells Krista looks like a Barbie that comes with the room. She only owns heels and wants to look good. Ms. J loves her skin. Amy comes next and Tyra hits it on the head when she says she talks like Alice. She does sound like a Disney movie. She is classically trained so Tyra makes her sing. She isn’t bad. Tatianna follows and reveals she is a volunteer mortician. She explains how to embalm and cremate. Her brother is also HIV+ and says she came to get out of the science world. Someone doesn’t know what a drag queen is? Jeanna is another plus size model. From Planet Glamazonia. She and Tyra are going to get along—right, Super Smize? They decide to sacrifice Mr. Jay to the gods of Glamazonia. Angelea thinks Naduah is her biggest competition. She looks so European. Her father is European and her mother is Mexican-American. She said she was born into a cult and it was one of those weird ones obsessed with sex. She says she lived in a house with other children and didn’t really see her parents. But she got out and knows who she is.

Following her is Nida, from a strict Pakisani family. She even mimics her mother. Outside, Gabrielle considers Angelea as her main competition as they are both biracial. Her mother is German-American and her father is black, but she’s never had a stable black father influence. She cries as she talks about people asking if her sister is adopted, etc. She does tell the panel she sees Angelea as her competition.

LA! Alexandra asks for a round of applause as she walks in. Tyra loves her plus size body shape. She says she’s a tomboy but has a girly side. Anslee follows, from Dacula, Ga. She’s married and a mom. Tyra pretends to have a camera and makes Anslee pose. Danielle follows. Tyra thinks she’s classically beautiful—but with piercings and tattoos. Back outside, Jeanna loves Naduah. Anslee says she likes Hallie and Danielle but they sit by themselves. They then are bitchy by saying that half the room doesn’t deserve to be there and names a lot to go home. They decide they are in.

The girls gather to meet the Jays. Twelve people will be eliminated. The girls have to find their picture and check their status. Those who are pending are still in, those declined are out. Out: Nida, Danielle. Everyone else wasn’t really introduced. Those pending run to meet Mr. Jay introduces them to their shoot theme: What Super Model Are You? Sounds like a Quizzilla quiz on Facebook. The girls have to do their outfits and their make up. Hallie says she’s Vlada, a model. Tatianna says she’s Megan Fox, who isn’t a Super Model. Alasia does Naomi Cambell. Seriously. Alexandra decides to be Cindy Crawford, complete with mole. Krista embodies Gisele. Naduah goes for Kate Moss. Raina goes for Adriana Lima. Time to for final deliberation.

LA! Ms. J takes a shot at Mr. Jay’s height. Tyra isn’t impressed with Alasia. She is surprised by Alexandra’s mole. Tyra doesn’t like Anslee’s profile picture. They like Brenda and are impressed with Gabrielle’s knowledge. Tyra doesn’t think Hallie is fresh. Mr. Jay likes Jeanna. Jessica gets the “pageant” label. Tyra likes Simone’s proportions. Tyra likes Krista’s walk. Tyra loves Naduah’s profile picture. Raina has potential. Tatianna is beautiful but Mr. Jay doesn’t think she embraces the model industry. They’ve reached a decision!

Time to find out who will be on the wannabes on this cycle! Tyra reveals there will only be twelve girls. Our wannabes: Naduah, Jessica, Simone, Raina, Tatianna, Alexandra, Krista, Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Gabrielle, and Angelea. Tyra goes to hug the others girls and encourage them. She tells Amy to keep singing. She does. She then welcomes the contestants of Cycle 14—who are going to New York City. Apparently, they are going to meet a 13th girl here in New York, NY.

Oh, did I mentioned this was a 90 minute premiere…Oh dear God, Perez Hilton.

New York! The girls arrive in the Big Apple. Jessica is slightly overwhelmed but misses her husband and baby. They pass Madame Toussaud’s and stop to admire Johnny Depp’s wax figure. Perez shows up to take them on a tour of Madame Toussaud’s. Notice a lot of people have their hair covered—it means that these confessionals were filmed after their makeovers. Perez stops at Tyra’s figure—which is in my Facebook profile picture. Tyra herself shows. Apparently, he agreed to stop talking about celebrities’ children for six months if he can appear on Top Model. Tyra introduces the thirteenth girl, Ren.

Wait, MAKE OVERS? NOW? It’s only week one! Perez tells them to be fierce. So they go to the Top Model Limo. They met Mr. Jay and Ms. J at Sally Hershberger, where Sally greets them. Anslee’s always had long hair. We see footage of Tyra revealing how she decides the make overs. Ren reveals she usually cuts her own hair. Tyra decides she needs edges. Ren didn’t shave her armpits. Gabrielle gets bleached and curled. She looks great. Krista gets extensions for a ponytail and doesn’t like it. I think she looks much better. Alexandra gets highlights and likes it. It goes shorter and gets shaved on one side. She feels it makes her more edgy. Brenda gets the Halle Berry cut. She cries because her boyfriend likes long hair. She says her world was shaken. Holy crap, it’s just HAIR!

Top Model lounge? Bianca (Cycle 9) and Laura (Cycle 12) talk about Brenda crying and sympathize.

Brenda’s still going on about her hair. Since Naduah is already shaved, Tyra bleaches her eyebrows. Angelea gets a weave and I’m not too sure it’s a good look for her. Raina goes chocolate and looks great. Alasia gets some volume and body. It’s an improvement. Anslee tears as she feels her hair get chopped. And it goes lighter. But she loves it in the end. Me too. Tatianna also goes blonde. She loves it. Jessica also goes brunette. And she loves it.

Mr. Jay tells the girls they get to move into their new loft. The Top Model Limo takes them there. Gabrielle says it makes her feel like a princess. It looks like it’s meant for a Disney princess. Alasia is impressed with the size of the tub. Angelea admires the pictures of Tyra before everyone runs to the balcony. They take in that gorgeous city skyline. I love it.

Now comes the fun part—calling territory. Alexandra predicts that Angelea and Anslee are so similar, they are going to butt heads constantly.

Tensions run high as everyone watches Angelea eat. Brenda tells Angelea that she is glaring at her. Angelea confesses that it is the “bitch, please.” She doesn’t get good vibes from Brenda. Ren is already fed up with living with girls. Angelea tells Alasia not to make an opinion before meeting Angelea. Krista likes Angelea, yelling “You’re misunderstood.” Alasia tells her that she just avoids Krista and Angelea. Krista calls Alasia “fake.” I think she’s mistaking energetic for fakeness. Jessica hides in the confessional.

TYRA MAIL! “Top Models get maximum exposure, you must learn how to cover yourself.” What’s going on? The 90 minutes are almost up! But the girls go to their first photoshoot. They will be modeling from Custo Barcelona. But they will only be wearing one item of clothing. Jessica’s like: NUDITY?

And we end.

Next Week: Nude photoshoot. Alasia vs. Ren. And trouble at a runway.

So far, I love Naduah, Alexandra and Gabrielle. Not too thrilled with Krista or Angelea yet. Nor Alasia. But we’ll see. Anyway, I already called Naduah “Sinead O’Connor.” Do you think any of the other girls look like doppelgangers? And what do you think of how Ren joined the show? Think someone from casting was way more qualified?

Moment of the Episode:

Alasia, trying to figure out how many fingers point back at you when you point a finger at someone else.

Bang, Bang, Bang Bang, Bang

Dear CBS, Please knock off the CSI:Miami opening. Please.

Future!Ted tells us that on a March evening, the NYPD pulled a man out of the river—Uncle Barney. The police woman lets Barney tell his story.

We start at MacLaren’s and…hello, Jennifer Lopez. The two hit it off and Barney takes her home. She talks dirty and just when Barney is at his point, she leaves him high and dry.

CREDITS!

We see Marshall and Lily at MacLaren’s with Don and Robin. They are celebrating the new strides their anchor relationship has taken since Don realized he was a jerk. He leaves and Marshall tells Robin to grab him before someone else does. Robin isn’t sure. Marshall tells her that Barney is and is loving it. We cut to—Barney saying he is hating it. He complains about J. Lo leaving him high and dry. Ted reveals she is following this book—Of Course You’re Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut. He reads off a checklist—does she mention “sex” in the conversation? (We see a clip where every word is sex in some way. Some of them painful). Did she use any excuse to initiate contact? (Yep. But who wouldn’t feel up one of Barney’s suits?) Did she use the excuse that she has the cleaning woman coming tomorrow and she needs to take a bubble bath? Yep and that’s how Barney catches her. J. Lo says that the book is a great book and she will follow it. Including not having sex until the 17th date. Barney faints.

And then Barney realizes he can use Ted’s book (which he swears is Robin’s. He only thumbed through it…Enough to quote it) to find a loophole. Meanwhile, Robin gets a call from Don. He asks her out on Saturday. She starts giving the “You’re a great guy but…” speech all us girls know by heart. But Marshall picks up the other line and agrees while Robin tries to wrestle him to the ground. While Robin fails, Barney realizes that J. Lo wrote the book. He is even more determined to sleep with her now.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall and Lily marvel at how Barney found his anti-self. Robin reveals that it isn’t karma. J. Lo was a guest on Robin’s show, but um (SHOT!), they got to talking after the interview. Robin spilled about her break up with Barney and J. Lo offered payback. Robin refused at first, until Barney’s bragging got to her. She agreed and now J. Lo is turning Barney’s world around. Meanwhile, Barney discovers that J. Lo’s book has no loopholes. So Ted decides that Barney has to wrap 17 dates into one. And he tells him how, using song. Barney is a bit uncomfortable, but gets into it as they go from a carriage ride to dinner to ice skating to the opera to fireworks over Manhattan. Barney agrees.

Marshall and Lily cuddle in bed and Lily reveals to Marshall that Robin isn’t as over Barney as everyone thinks. She even caught Robin crying. Marshall feels like a jerk as he remembers everything he said to Robin about Barney moving on—including a song of just “Bang” repeated over and over. He feels so bad.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall sees Robin and learns that she isn’t going on the date with Don. Ted is surprised to hear that because just an hour ago, Robin was all spiffed up and ready to go out. And then Ted mentioned Barney’s Super Date. And Marshall realizes the problem. He tells Ted about Robin’s difficult grieving period and now Ted feels like a jerk. Especially since he joined in with Marshall’s “Bang” song. They realize Robin was crying in the bathroom and storm the ladies room to hug her.

And then they storm Barney’s. Marshall even punches the Storm Trooper. Barney asks why and Marshall tells him that he’s mad at Barney, mad at himself and mad at the Empire. They tell Barney about Robin’s difficult mourning period. And Lily delivers some hard news for Barney to hear. They show a clip from the episode where the Playbook gets stolen, where Barney describes a girl to get rid of Robin. She cried in the hallway. Next they show the episode after the Super Bowl, where Robin cried and ate chicken wings alone after seeing Barney’s sign. Barney joins in, with spoons, to the “Bang” song. Barney throws up in the Storm Trooper helmet.

Barney is surprised about how bad Robin is handling the break up. They know she is upset but he knows where to find her—the shooting range. She tells him that she feels like another number in Barney’s book when he talks about the other women. Barney protests that she was different but Robin says it didn’t feel that way, that they never went on a Super Date. Barney says he will do anything for Robin. She asks him not to sleep with J. Lo. He agrees and then tells her she is going on the Super Date…

And she goes with Don. Meanwhile, J. Lo doesn’t realize that her book goes both ways. When Barney stands her up and then continually turns her down, she gets hot, bothered and determined to get him in bed. Barney holds to his promise to Robin, but needs to go cool himself down. Which he does by jumping into the river

And so the officer hands him a ticket, asks if it was worth and as fireworks light up the city skyline, he says it was.

Tag: The gang asks Robin how her date was. She only gives the “It was great, it was fine” and doesn’t go into details out of respect of Barney, I guess. But then she does start singing the “Bang” song and Ted, Lily and Marshall join in—complete with banjo accompaniment courtesy of Marshall. As the camera zooms in on Barney’s bemused face, we fade out for this week.

I was a little hesitant at first about J. Lo being on the show, but she rocked it as a woman who knew how to push Barney’s buttons and torture him a little. I was also a little unsure how they were going to play the Robin-handling-the-break-up bit. The episode where they broke up showed that it was a mutual decision and that they were both happier being single again. But the direction they took it—Robin being upset that her relationship with Barney meant nothing rather than that it was over—was a great choice. And I loved the songs. More songs, show, more songs!

Quote of the Episode:

“My plan was going to sleep with her but this changes everything. New plan—I’m going to sleep with her!”--Barney

Axe-Wielding Maniacs Storm New York!

NEW YORK! And we see some typical New York traffic, complete with crazed guy running around wielding an axe. Okay, it’s not so typical but the sad part—we New Yorkers actually wouldn’t blink. We’d honk, curse the guy out for disrupting traffic and drive away only to call our friend like, “Dude, there’s an axe-wielding psychopath on Church. You should totally go check it out!” Anyway, the axe-wielding maniac gets tased so Mac and Don get to go check out his hotel room. Turns out he stole the axe from the fire emergency box nearest his room. The two detectives follow a trail of blood to find—the set of some Columbia grad’s final film.

CUE THE WHO!

NEW YORK! Now Danny’s been called to the scene along with Hawkes to take pictures while Axe-Wielding Maniac gets processed by Stella at the lab. Umm, what’s up with Hill Harper’s hair? Anyway, Axe-Wielding Maniac tells Don that clowns were trying to kill him. Okay, the guy was found running in his underwear wielding an axe on a NYC street and now he claims he was tortured by clowns, who stuck a gun in his mouth. Has anyone decided to test him for drugs? Anyone? Don does have a gun—a water gun filled with tequila. Don suspects drugs. Thank God, it isn’t just me. Axe-Wielding Maniac—AKA James—doesn’t remember much, but he doesn’t remember taking drugs. He does remember being underwater, seahorses and starfishes. He tells Don to ask Mark. Don reveals that Mark is dead, along with everyone else at the “Happy 21st Birthday, Axe-Wielding Maniac” party.

Stella and Mac also think he’s on something, something hallucinogenic. My vote’s for LSD. They reveal he could go into states while revealing he’s a science geek over at Chelsea University. His phone registers 11 missed calls from a Sara and a birthday call from his parents, including dad encouraging him to put the books down and go have a drink—or maybe ten. Mom says no to that and that they’ll be home on Friday. Won’t they be surprised!

Danny and Hill Harper’s Hair are still at the hotel. He’s found the first victim—a girl. Danny predicts the guy rushing for the bathroom was number two and the guy next to him was number three, but Hawkes says they have no proof that the girl in the blue dress wasn’t number 2. They do realize there’s a gap on the wall—someone was standing there.

Sara comes down and is shocked to see James high. She tells Mac that Mark and the other guy were his best friends. She doesn’t know the girls. Mac finds it odd that she wasn’t at his “Happy 21st Birthday, Axe-Wielding Maniac” party. She says James didn’t much care for birthdays and would much rather study. Umm, why? (By the by, 29 days till my birthday!) James gets violent as Don and Danny find out he really was attacked by clowns. They were his buddies, shooting tequila in his mouth to start the 21st birthday festivities.

Danny goes to inform Hill Harper’s Hair that they ID-ed the girls and both have priors for drug use. He also doesn’t think they went to Chelsea University. James’ pants had shampoo on him. Danny and Hawkes discover that James did not create the gap in the blood spatter but Stella also notes that his clothes do not have enough blood on them for him to be the killer. She and Danny go to visit Adam, who has created a mock-up of the death. Stella asks about the bathroom door. Danny says it was open, but based on the recreation, there should be blood on it. There isn’t, so it must’ve been closed.

Stella and Danny go to the bathroom. They discover a blue shower curtain with seahorses and starfish on it. Stella realizes that during the murder, James was tripping out in the shower. We get a taste of that before we cut to commercials.

We go back to James, who has a trip watching a fly and yeah, your recapper is TERRIFIED of bugs, so I’m not watching right now. Mac comes in to end James’ and my torture. James is lucid enough to know he didn’t kill his friends but is surprised to learn he took LSD. Mac reveals that the friends did it too, party of the usual 21st birthday festivities. Y’know, up until the axe murderer showed up. Mac decides to connect to James using science. James wants to see Sara but Mac puts it off. He asks for James’ help. He’s studying his hand like a little baby just discovering it for the first time. James doesn’t remember the girls but he does remember seeing everyone dead. He picks up the axe and begins his LSD-fueled axe-wielding rampage on the streets of New York. He seems to get violent, but Mac waves off a concerned uni. James curls up, scared and Mac goes to comfort him.

Stella reminds us, again, that Mark and Daniel were partying with James because he turned 21. And, once again, the boys didn’t know the girls before that night. And once again, they were all killed by an axe. Hawkes is still trying to figure out the bite mark on James. He doesn’t remember it. The gang didn’t leave much of a trail but Adam pulled a picture off one crushed phone. It reveals a picture of the boys with a group of geriatric girls. They reveal it was an assisted living house and the boys played Bingo with the old-timers. One even won--$25,000. *Jaw drops* Don and Danny realize the money is gone and one old geezer really wants them gone. Ohmigod, it’s a real life Walter!

Stella reveals that James was bitten by Calvin Moore. He was arrested for assault. He took down two officers…and he’s only 3 foot 9! And once again, we hit the halfway mark of the episode and no Lindsay. Seriously, does someone in the Power that Be have something against Anna Belknap? Danny and Don go to watch Calvin beat someone up. He says he was paid a grand…to fight James, but not to kill them. He’s surprised to hear they’re dead. Calvin bites James, but in the end the Birthday Boy wins. Calvin doesn’t think that the boys were high. He also tells Don and Danny that the girls weren’t there yet. So where did they come from and who brought the LSD?

Mac takes James for a walk, complete with orange juice. James swears he didn’t take LSD. Mac believes he didn’t take it voluntarily. He thinks that his friends wanted to loosen him up, make him the life of the party. He distracts James by asking about his paper. He’s writing an open letter to Albert Einstein. As Mac quotes Einstein, James looks like he’s in love. However, when someone bumps into the two, James bolts. Mac pursues.

New York! Mac is still in pursuit, when he spots James’ taking down someone’s poster. The guy tries to stop James, Mac pulls the guy off and then James throws the lamest fake punch ever. I could be more realistic than that! But the poster does remind James that he rode a bull in a bar. So Don goes to the only club in Manhattan with a bucking bronco (seriously?) and the bartender confirms that the boys were there. And that James did ride Pedro, up to level 4. Then he fell off. She doesn’t think they were high and neither were the girls. They ordered the shots and may have put something in the boys’. The bartender reveals that they met the girls before they entered the bar. Don calls Stella, who tells him to meet her at a cab place. They had a run-in with one.

Danny and Stella can’t believe a driver saying that the lamppost came out of nowhere. The driver does remember the boys but he’s silent about the girls. They threaten to lock him up for reckless driving when he reveals that he let the one of the friends’ drive. Danny discovers a security camera. It reveals they just picked up the girls off the street. Stella thinks the girls probably drugged the boys to get the cash. She discovers one of the girls put a gun in her purse and Stella thinks something happened in the building they came out of.

Don and Danny talk themselves into a foggy apartment. They ask the guy about the girls. He knows they’re dead but he heard about it through his grapevine. They want to know why the girls shot him. He doesn’t know—he gave them money and food. And probably the drugs. He orders the two cops out. And I was right, he gave them the drugs. They deal for him. Or they did before they shot him. Hawkes reveals the DNA on the axe matches the Drug Dealer. So, he’s our axe murderer? The cops storm the apartment but only a young woman remains. Stella demands to know where Rufus, Drug Dealer, is. We see him and his bodyguard watching Mac and James. As Drug Dealer takes out his guns we go to…

Commercials!

Seriously, show, what do you have against Lindsay?

NNEW YORK! James and Mac are still in peril. Until Mac spots the danger. He drops his soda and pulls his gun—in slo mo, of course—and proceeds to have a shoot out with Rufus and Bodyguard. James picks up a dropped gun, remembering who the axe murderer was. Mac pleads with James not to do it and Rufus tells him to listen to Mac. James reveals that Rufus killed his friends, yes, we know, James. Mac still tells him to put the gun down. He does so and Mac orders Drug Dealer on his knees so he can cuff him.

Stella comes out of interrogating the woman found at Rufus’ apartment. Turns out the girls wanted out, move away from NYC. Rufus didn’t want that. He even ruins a good dinner, he’s so angry. That’s when he gets shot and the girls run away. Rufus’ grapevine tells him that the girls were in the hotel room. Mark and Daniel were just collateral damage. James was saved by the fact he decided to have his trip in the bathroom. They were just “wrong place, wrong time.” James has survivor’s guilt. Mac tells him that not even Einstein could’ve predicted it. Of course, Mac. Einstein was a scientist, not a psychic. Anyway, Mac tells James to reach out to the people who care. And who should come through the door—his parents and Sara. Aww.

Next week: Lindsay! I saw Lindsay! Anyway, someone doesn’t have the luck of the Irish next week. Which makes sense as St. Patrick’s Day isn’t for another TWO weeks.

So, an interesting episode. It might have been a bit more suspenseful if they didn’t exonerate the Axe-Wielding Maniac before the fifteen minute mark, let him hang for a bit. Also, whoever wrote the episode needs to work on it a bit. Audiences do not need to be hit over the head with facts we’ve already learned. And I still want to know why there was no Lindsay. And what is with Hill Harper’s hair!

No quote of the episode, but Don’s freak out about the clowns comes pretty close.

Can Glee Get Any MORE Awesome?

Seriously? First, it has a kick-ass cast singing some kick-ass songs. How can you not love Lea Michele’s Type-A, overachieving Rachel? Or Matt Morrison’s idealistic, passionate Will? Or Jayma Mays germaphobe, understanding, pining Emma? Or Chris Colfer’s talented, if a bit the stereotypical gay, Kurt?

And, of course, there is the sheer awesomeness that is Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester.

To add to the regular cast, there are the equally talented guest stars: Debra Monk. Victor Garber. Kristin Chenoweth. JOSH GROBAN. And there is the promise of more awesome to come: Idina Menzel, rumors about Neil Patrick Harris and Jennifer Lopez, and the reuniting of Spring Awakening lovers Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff. And Playbill has an article that made me ask the question in this post’s headline. It would seem the producers are now courting West End and BBC star John Barrowman for the show.

Captain Jack on Glee? Yes, please!

If you’ve never had the opportunity to hear Barrowman sing, YouTube him. He’s got a great voice and the credits to back it up: Sunset Boulevard, La Cage aux Folles, Beauty and the Beast, Godspell, etc. And he’d be great no matter what they decide to do with him—so long as it’s a recurring gig and not just for one episode.

Please, Glee producers. You have shown yourselves to be Master of the Awesome. Do not let Barrowman slip through your fingers!

Don’t Stop Believing…

Listen up, Gleeks! While it’s still 43 days and counting till our show returns, the steam has not died down. Coming off it’s Golden Globe win cback in January and news that the cast of Glee was invited by the First Lady to perform at the White House’s Easter Egg Hunt, there is even bigger news for those living near LA, Chicago, Phoenix and my hometown, NYC.

The cast of Glee will be performing live in concert in those cities this summer!

And all our favorites will be there: Rachel, Finn, Quinn (AKA Prissy Cheerleader), Puck, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, and Kurt. The shows will even include the four Glee members who don’t show up in the advertising: Naya Rivera and Heather Morris, who play Prissy Cheerleader’s equally Prissy Cheerleading friends Brittany and Santana as well as Harry Shum, Jr and Dijon Talton who are the other two football players, Mike and Matt, who joined along with Puck after Kurt’s Beyonce obsession helped their team actually win a game. They will be performing songs from the TV show, so we can feel like we’ve all attended Regionals. Or Nationals, as the concerts will be sometime around Glee’s season finale.

The concert dates and locations are as follows:

Dodge Theater, Phoenix, Ariz. on May 18th

Gibson Ampitheater, Los Angeles, Calif. from May 20 to May 21

Rosemont Theater, Chicago, Ill. from May 25 to May 26

Radio City Music Hall, New York, NY from May 28 to May 29.

Tickets go on sale this month for all sites. American Express card members can get pre-sale tickets. Hmm, looks like I’m getting myself a nice birthday present, even if I can’t enjoy it till almost two months AFTER my birthday.

Gleeks, you may now squee.

Hook, Line and Sinker

Oh lord, they let CSI: Miami do the intro to comedy Mondays?

Future!Ted says that he’s usually a romantic in his stories, but this time he’s a jerk. We got to the MacLaren’s, where Ted says he bringing some girl named Tiffany up to his apartment to show her his antique camera collection. Barney says it is a bait—a lure up to the apartment that’ll keep their attention for a few minutes before they get physical. Barney tells about his quest for the perfect bait. In the end, it is a teapot pig. Ted is surprised it works—until he sees Robin, Lily and Marshall cooing over it. Barney lets Ted borrow the teapot pig. The teapot pig works wonders on…Is that Carrie Underwood? Anyway, they coo over the pig before Carrie reveals she has a boyfriend.

CREDITS!

Ted is thrown off by the fact she has a boyfriend. Kinda. Sorta. Robin says that Ted is being baited. Marshall tells of his bait story—where Jason Segel plays 14 years-old Marshall being baited by a girl who wants him to do her homework. He realized it wouldn’t work when he went to confess his love for her (Gang: Ooh) in song (Gang: Ohh). She wasn’t home, but he waited. He waited so long, he feel asleep. When he woke up, he realized she walked over him. Literally, she walked over him to get into her house.

Anyway, Ted says that’s not what he has with Carrie. I’d watch out, Ted. You’ve no doubt heard “Before He Cheats” so you know she doesn’t handle it well if a relationship goes south. Anyway, Lily remembers her childhood stalker, Scooter. Remember, the guy who showed up to her wedding and almost ruined it? Before Marshall almost ruined it by cutting his hair? Before they ended up having the totally awesome outdoor wedding officiated by Barney, witnessed by Ted and Robin with Marshall wearing Bob Saget’s fedora? Anyway, turns out Scooter works as a lunch lady (lunch man?) in Lily’s school. This is news to Marshall. Lily swears she told him…and she did. Marshall just thought “Lunch Lady Scooter” was an ACTUAL scooter the lunch ladies used to get around the cafeteria. That would be cool. But alas, the lunch ladies have to walk and Scooter is trying to get Lily to run away with him. Awkward. Marshall is not happy. Lily agrees to end it…after Tijuana Tuesday.

Barney and Ted wait at MacLaren’s and Barney tells Ted to stop looking at the door because Carrie “might” stop by. Ted says that Carrie is wonderful (Future!Ted: She’s the devil) and that things are going to work out (Future!Ted: No, they’re not, dumbass!). Barney tries to convince Ted to cut Carrie out of his life. But then she shows up with her equally hot coworkers, who sadly are not former American Idol contestants. Barney pleads with him to never let her go.

Barney asks if Carrie is a pharmeucitical sales rep. She is. Barney freaks. “What, it’s just a job?” Barney flips out and starts at cavemen time. We see Cavemen!Barney and Cavemen!Carrie. They go through history with Barney as patient and Carrie as the hot!nurse. Except for a blip where Carrie is hot!stewardess. And now they’ve evolved into a pharmecutical sales rep. Carrie comes over and Ted asks if she’s dumped the boyfriend yet. She hasn’t. Barney still won’t let Ted go.

Lily comes home and Marshall brings out the teapot pig. It’s an exercise to help her deal with Scooter. She tries to tell the pig she can’t be with him…Right now. “Oh, come on, grow a pair.” Lily cuddles the pig and Marshall feels jealous.

Barney sings a bit and continues to work the room of Carrie’s friends. Ted tells the gang Carrie broke up with her boyfriend and tells them about their night. They cuddled (more like Ted cuddled), they ate chocolate cake (Ted fed Carrie), and Ted gave Carrie a food rub. And it ended there. They try to convince Ted that Carrie has him on the hook like he has the university librarian Henrietta on the hook. They hung out (Henrietta cuddled), they ate chocolate cake (Henrietta fed him cake), and Henrietta gave him a foot rub. Ted accuses Robin of doing the same with her cameraman, Mike. He asks Robin if they can advance their relationship. Robin snags free laundry. To prove that Henrietta doesn’t love him, that they are friends, he calls to hang out with her. He goes to her place where she has a spread waiting for him. Ted still can’t see the flashing neon sign Henrietta’s practically wearing saying “I LOVE YOU TED MOSEBY!” He takes a call from Carrie, who invites him as her date to her cousin’s wedding. He agrees, leaving Henrietta (Future!Ted: JERK!). She’s despondent as her parents even doubt Ted’s existence.

I really, really want to go back to Colonial Williamsburg now.

Ted pours champagne for Carrie. She walks in and is like, “Ooh, I accidentally on purpose forgot to call you.” She introduces Ted to the Best Man, who is her ex…now former ex. They’ve gotten back together. “He’s in a band,” she swoons. Meanwhile, Lily finally gets up the cajones to break it off with the teapot pig. And Ted gets the message loud and clear. He tells Carrie they aren’t going to work, realizing he is on her hook as much as she’s on Best Man’s hook. Just as much as Henrietta was on his hook and some guy was on her hook. He stands up to her and leaves. She can just sing about it later, Ted.

And Barney is introduced to the new sales rep, Gladys. She’s older and not hot, so Barney’s era is over.

Lily finally stands up to Scooter, but Marshall caves. She’s surprised. Meanwhile, Ted goes to let Henrietta off his hook and after he knocks, something falls out of his jacket. It’s a diamond ring—Ted realizes he took the wrong jacket back at the wedding. He took Best Man’s! He’s down on one knee, holding a ring…if you did NOT see this coming from a mile away, go get your sitcom-setup vision checked. Henrietta, of course, opens the door and, of course, says “Yes.” Robin laughs but Ted reveals that while he considered marrying her out of embarrassment, he eventually manned up and broke her heart. Robin still refuses to do the same with Mike.

Tag: Barney’s lost it. He goes on about how there is a future hot career just waiting for him to discover. Robin and Ted are surprised until Barney reveals he took some purple pills he found in his couch cushion.

Exchange of the Episode:

“I saw you have seventh period free. So do I. Want to run away together?”

“Let me be clear, Scotter, there is is no way you and I can ever be together.” *Scooter pulls a sad face complete with music* Right now.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow—it’s Tijuana Tuesday!”

--Lily and Scooter

I must say, Carrie Underwood is much better than Britney. And the teapot pig was so adorable. Overall, a solid episode if not a gut-buster.

It’s good to be back to new episodes.