Bang, Bang, Bang Bang, Bang

Dear CBS, Please knock off the CSI:Miami opening. Please.

Future!Ted tells us that on a March evening, the NYPD pulled a man out of the river—Uncle Barney. The police woman lets Barney tell his story.

We start at MacLaren’s and…hello, Jennifer Lopez. The two hit it off and Barney takes her home. She talks dirty and just when Barney is at his point, she leaves him high and dry.

CREDITS!

We see Marshall and Lily at MacLaren’s with Don and Robin. They are celebrating the new strides their anchor relationship has taken since Don realized he was a jerk. He leaves and Marshall tells Robin to grab him before someone else does. Robin isn’t sure. Marshall tells her that Barney is and is loving it. We cut to—Barney saying he is hating it. He complains about J. Lo leaving him high and dry. Ted reveals she is following this book—Of Course You’re Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut. He reads off a checklist—does she mention “sex” in the conversation? (We see a clip where every word is sex in some way. Some of them painful). Did she use any excuse to initiate contact? (Yep. But who wouldn’t feel up one of Barney’s suits?) Did she use the excuse that she has the cleaning woman coming tomorrow and she needs to take a bubble bath? Yep and that’s how Barney catches her. J. Lo says that the book is a great book and she will follow it. Including not having sex until the 17th date. Barney faints.

And then Barney realizes he can use Ted’s book (which he swears is Robin’s. He only thumbed through it…Enough to quote it) to find a loophole. Meanwhile, Robin gets a call from Don. He asks her out on Saturday. She starts giving the “You’re a great guy but…” speech all us girls know by heart. But Marshall picks up the other line and agrees while Robin tries to wrestle him to the ground. While Robin fails, Barney realizes that J. Lo wrote the book. He is even more determined to sleep with her now.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall and Lily marvel at how Barney found his anti-self. Robin reveals that it isn’t karma. J. Lo was a guest on Robin’s show, but um (SHOT!), they got to talking after the interview. Robin spilled about her break up with Barney and J. Lo offered payback. Robin refused at first, until Barney’s bragging got to her. She agreed and now J. Lo is turning Barney’s world around. Meanwhile, Barney discovers that J. Lo’s book has no loopholes. So Ted decides that Barney has to wrap 17 dates into one. And he tells him how, using song. Barney is a bit uncomfortable, but gets into it as they go from a carriage ride to dinner to ice skating to the opera to fireworks over Manhattan. Barney agrees.

Marshall and Lily cuddle in bed and Lily reveals to Marshall that Robin isn’t as over Barney as everyone thinks. She even caught Robin crying. Marshall feels like a jerk as he remembers everything he said to Robin about Barney moving on—including a song of just “Bang” repeated over and over. He feels so bad.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall sees Robin and learns that she isn’t going on the date with Don. Ted is surprised to hear that because just an hour ago, Robin was all spiffed up and ready to go out. And then Ted mentioned Barney’s Super Date. And Marshall realizes the problem. He tells Ted about Robin’s difficult grieving period and now Ted feels like a jerk. Especially since he joined in with Marshall’s “Bang” song. They realize Robin was crying in the bathroom and storm the ladies room to hug her.

And then they storm Barney’s. Marshall even punches the Storm Trooper. Barney asks why and Marshall tells him that he’s mad at Barney, mad at himself and mad at the Empire. They tell Barney about Robin’s difficult mourning period. And Lily delivers some hard news for Barney to hear. They show a clip from the episode where the Playbook gets stolen, where Barney describes a girl to get rid of Robin. She cried in the hallway. Next they show the episode after the Super Bowl, where Robin cried and ate chicken wings alone after seeing Barney’s sign. Barney joins in, with spoons, to the “Bang” song. Barney throws up in the Storm Trooper helmet.

Barney is surprised about how bad Robin is handling the break up. They know she is upset but he knows where to find her—the shooting range. She tells him that she feels like another number in Barney’s book when he talks about the other women. Barney protests that she was different but Robin says it didn’t feel that way, that they never went on a Super Date. Barney says he will do anything for Robin. She asks him not to sleep with J. Lo. He agrees and then tells her she is going on the Super Date…

And she goes with Don. Meanwhile, J. Lo doesn’t realize that her book goes both ways. When Barney stands her up and then continually turns her down, she gets hot, bothered and determined to get him in bed. Barney holds to his promise to Robin, but needs to go cool himself down. Which he does by jumping into the river

And so the officer hands him a ticket, asks if it was worth and as fireworks light up the city skyline, he says it was.

Tag: The gang asks Robin how her date was. She only gives the “It was great, it was fine” and doesn’t go into details out of respect of Barney, I guess. But then she does start singing the “Bang” song and Ted, Lily and Marshall join in—complete with banjo accompaniment courtesy of Marshall. As the camera zooms in on Barney’s bemused face, we fade out for this week.

I was a little hesitant at first about J. Lo being on the show, but she rocked it as a woman who knew how to push Barney’s buttons and torture him a little. I was also a little unsure how they were going to play the Robin-handling-the-break-up bit. The episode where they broke up showed that it was a mutual decision and that they were both happier being single again. But the direction they took it—Robin being upset that her relationship with Barney meant nothing rather than that it was over—was a great choice. And I loved the songs. More songs, show, more songs!

Quote of the Episode:

“My plan was going to sleep with her but this changes everything. New plan—I’m going to sleep with her!”--Barney