Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Doppelganger

It’s time for How I Met Your Mother’s season finale!

My how a season sure flies fast!

We start with a recap of the doppelgangers: Lesbian!Robin, Mustached!Marshall, Stripper!Lily, and Mexican!Wrestler!Ted (Future!Ted: Yes, mine is the coolest) We cut to TWO episodes ago when Lily and Marshall agree to have a baby when the universe tells them to—when they find Barney’s doppelganger. We cut to the two standing on the street where Marshall asks about how serious Lily was about their agreement. She says a speech which is summed up as “pretty dang serious”. Marshall turns and there is a Barney clone, with black hair, driving a taxi. However! Our girl is smart. She has stolen Barney’s playbook after all and wonders if it may just be Barney in disguise. Marshall calls Barney while Lily takes a picture. Barney confirms that yes, he is at work, stapling, three hole punching and “filing” the company’s sexual harassment policy. (We once tried to tell employees that the same instrument Barney uses to “file” was our company’s electronic time sheet reader).

Lily and Marshall decide to have a baby.

They go to MacLaren’s, where Marshall is excited to tell their friends they are having unprotected sex. Lily decides they are going to say anything because they are now inviting them into the most intimate moment of their life. We see candles, hear romantic music and then…Barney bursts in with popcorn. He says that it’s a big mistake, but he’s ready to watch. “Uncle Teddy” pops in with balloons and a teddy bear and blathering on about Santa before the TV turns on to reveal Robin reporting on “Baby Watch 2010” complete with the chopper circling overhead. Marshall agrees to keep mum as Ted and Robin come in. Lily shows Barney doppelganger. Lily and Robin agree he’s better as a blonde. Ted goes on about a summer he was lifeguarding, went blond and was popular. Marshall, Lily and Robin have a telepathic conversation (I missed those) in which they agree to get Ted to dye his hair blond. Ted’s out of the loop and goes on about nachos, which he orders. The other three tell him not to go blond. And he announces he was going blond.

Robin and Don meanwhile have such a great partnership, their station has asked them to appear on their other shows. Like Monty and Moo-Moo, where Monty admits to having experimented with drugs. (Future!Ted: Highest rated episode ever!) Don tells Robin that she’s turned his life around.

Meanwhile, Marshall sees Doppelganger!Barney. He starts saying how Doppelganger!Barney has an important role in his life when Doppelganger!Barney says he plays a legendary role. He rips off the wig and reveals he’s really Barney! DUM DUM DUM! But wait, there’s more! Future!Ted reveals this wasn’t the biggest surprise of the day. We hear Robin talking about how it’s a surprise and she can have an answer by the next day. She calls Ted and asks to talk to him. She goes to the salon and reveals that she was offered an anchor position. In Chicago! DUM DUM DUM!

Marshall is being driven around by Barney and seriously, when did Barney get his driver’s license? Really, show! He can’t believe the doppelganger is really Barney. Turns out Barney has a special message recorded so people can think he’s really working. Marshall learns that not only is Barney the doppelganger, his nickname at work isn’t special. At the salon, Robin says that Career and Romance have been battling in her life forever. Ted tells her that Career has been trouncing Romance for years. He tells her to talk to Don but she doesn’t want to involve him yet. Ted tells her he can’t be objective because he doesn’t want her to move away. Robin understands then asks if Ted got a manicure. He says he didn’t but Flo busts him.

In the cab, Barney reveals his quest to have sex with a woman from every country. He even has a map. My friend Russ knows why this seems very familiar to me. He figures the best way to do that is to rent a cab and wait outside the UN for hot foreign chicks. He just forgot one small detail: Chicks don’t want to bang cab drivers. Marshall now needs to tell Lily they haven’t found the fifth doppelganger. He was looking forward to being a dad. Barney tells him no children before 35…Doesn’t anyone read his blog? “It’s gotten a lot better.” Marshall says he was looking forward to being a father. Barney does feel bad for Marshall…then asks for the fare.

At the apartment, Marshall loses his resolve to tell Lily. At MacLaren’s, Barney goes through jokes about Ted’s hair. He says he’s been getting tons of compliments. Robin reveals this isn’t true. Ted says that Robin’s moving to Chicago. At the apartment, Marshall calls a time out. He can’t do this. At MacLaren’s, Barney says Robin moving is a group decision. At the apartment, Lily tries to talk about how the doppelganger was different from Barney but Marshall knows otherwise. As Marshall asks if Lily forgot what Barney looks like. And in case she did, Barney pops in. Marshall and Lily freak out as Robin enters and Ted next. “What is Elle Degeneres doing in our bedroom?” Marshall asks. Ted argues he’s pulling it off. Barney reveals he was the doppelganger, Lily and Marshall argue but Barney reminds them what is really important: Ted is blond. And Robin is leaving. They have to talk her out of it…except she’s already decided to accept. DUN DUN DUN!

Come on, show, you can’t have brought Robin back for just to send her away again!

At MacLaren’s, the gang wonders if they are really losing Robin. Lily telepathically wonders if it’s the depression or if Ted’s hair really is starting to look good. Marshall and Barney agree until Ted realizes he’s made a mistake. Robin comes down. She reveals she spoke to Chicago and, staring at a picture of her and Don, turned it down. They are happy to keep her.

At Don’s, he reveals that he got offered the anchor position in Chicago. And he took it. She tries to leave and he asks if she ever had her dream on the other end of the phone. She says “yes” and leaves.

During this interlude, Marshall and Lily see another Barney doppelganger as a red-haired, Estonian street performer. But it’s quickly determined to be Barney in disguise. Lily realizes that Barney really wants them to have a baby and will make a great Uncle one day. As they leave, a woman walks up to reveal she is Estonian and a street performer as well. As she swallows a sword, Barney passes out.

A teary Robin knocks on Ted’s door and asks to move back in. He agrees and comforts her on the couch. He says a lot’s changed in the five years since the show started…I mean, Robin joined the group. Then: Marshall and Lily were just dating. Now: They are married and considering kids. Then: Barney and Commitment were never a possibly combination. Now: He committed to Robin last year. Then: Ted was chasing after this girl he thought was the one. Now: Ted is going through a bunch of forgettable girlfriends who never last more than one episode. I mean, that girl is now his dearest friend. Then: Robin would never choose career over love. Now: She did! Robin thinks she’s getting dumber and Ted says it’s courageous. Ted uses the hunt for the doppelganger as a metaphor—they all get older and more mature, becoming their own doppelgangers. Ted and Robin nearly share a kiss but as his hat gets knocked off, they laugh over how he became blond. Future!Ted says that stopped them from doing something they’d regret that night.

Four months later…

Lily goes to meet the gang at MacLaren’s when she sees Barney’s doppelganger working a hot dog stand. She runs inside, happy to see Barney is in there. She brings everyone outside and we see the guy looks nothing like Barney, but to Lily it does. Marshall realizes why and telepathically tells the gang to go with it. They do and the Eriksens agree to have a baby. The camera zooms out and is it just me or do Robin and Ted look pretty cuddly there?

So…instead of reviewing the episode, it’s time to review the season! Not a stellar season, it had it’s episodes and it had some clunkers. The Barney-Robin romance was great while it lasted but Robin and Don were pretty adorable too. I thought we’d see more of Professor!Ted and some college classroom shenanigans. But I am looking forward to pregnant!Lily and nervous!dad!Marshall. And whatever Barney does next year.

Till then, there’s always speculation!

Quote of the Episode:

“Hey, I’m planning a white wedding. Tell me, Billy Idol, is it a nice day for that?”—Barney about Ted’s hair.

To Dream the Impossible Dream…

Last week on Glee: Rachel lost her voice! Kurt tried to be straight!

Will goes to the Principal’s office and is introduced to Neil Patrick Harris (Brian Ryan). NPH and Will went to school together. We flashback to Glee way back then, with NPH singing “Daydream Believer” and he does magic! Like Barney! NPH says they may cut the Glee club because of budget worries. NPH was in Glee, he did shows and the cruise ship circuit. But he became a has-been, met Jesus—his social worker, turned his life around, and now runs a support group. We see Brenda (Molly Shannon) who turned to drugs after a bad audition. NPH says “Show choir kills.” NPH just wants to talk to the kids and the Principal forces him to. NPH tells the kids to write down their biggest dreams. He rips out Artie’s and throws it out. He tells them they will never happen and will never leave their town. As he mentions show biz dreams, Rachel and Kurt share a look. NPH uses Will as an example. NPH makes Tina cry! Will throws him out but not before NPH threatens to cut the Glee club.

In the library, Tina helps Artie get a book. He says he’s now considering a career behind the camera. She saw Artie’s dream—“dancer.” Tina tells Artie they should do an assignment on their own since Will was distracted by the awesomeness that is NPH to assign them one. And it’ll include dancing! Speaking of dancing, we see Rachel in the ballet studio. Jesse’s back! And talking to her! Rachel wants to play Evita, Funny Girl and Laurie from Oklahoma! She was practicing Laurie’s Dream Ballet. Jesse tells Rachel her performance of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” is an inevitability. They are back together again! He asks her what her dream is, what’s missing. Rachel says her mom. She doesn’t need to meet her, but just wants to know her name. The Dads never told her and Rachel never asked them. But Jesse pushes her to find her mom.

We see Tina and Artie practicing. Tina is very good a tap. He asks for some crutches he borrowed from a kid with cerebal palsy. He can stand up and then drags himself a few feet before falling. Artie kicks Tina out. Meanwhile, Will finds NPH, who is taking stock of Home Ec supplies. Will wants to convince NPH he’s wrong about Glee, take him out for a beer. For old time’s sake. NPH considers this. Can they go to New York to visit MacLaren’s? Can Brian Ryan be Barney’s doppelganger?

Rachel whispers that she found her mother in the library. She believes her mother is Patti Lupone. Rachel tracks Lupone’s movements in 1994 to discover she was in Ohio. Jesse is able to shoot it down so Rachel asks if he wants to hear how Bernadette Peters is her mother. Jesse asks why she’s scared and Rachel reveals her fathers’ kept everything about her. Jesse knows they have a starting point.

NPH and Will bond over beers. NPH says Terri was the one that got away. Will reveals they got married and divorced. You dodged a bullet there, NPH. Will credits Glee as giving him the strength and drive to get out of the marriage and something to live for. He fortune cookies about expressing yourself through Glee and NPH admits he’s living a lie. He misses performing. He sneaks off to see Broadway shows and a box of Playbills hidden, like porn. If this was Barney, it would be porn disguised as a box of Playbills. Will starts Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” and sings along. NPH joins in. Can we bring NPH back to Broadway? Please? Will tells NPH they are both trying out for a production of Les Mis.

Twilight. Blah.

Artie rolls along as Tina runs up alongside him. She apologizes, he apologizes. He says he’s hopeless, Tina doesn’t agree. She’s done research. She tells him not to give up on his dream. Aww. They kiss as the sun shines behind them and it’s sweet.

Rachel brings up several boxes to investigate. She finds her baby teeth, Jesse finds her sonogram, Rachel finds her first singing trophy. Jesse is surprised it was when she was 8 months old. As Rachel is distracted, Jesse takes out a tape from his pocket. It says “From Mother to Daughter.” He tries to play it but Rachel freaks out. We cut from that to a woman singing “Big Spender” from Sweet Charity. Will meets with NPH. Both are trying out for Jean Valjean, first with “The Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha but now with Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” They argue until the director tells them to sing it together. And they do. They prance around what I assume will be the barricade scene and kill the song. The director rushes out.

Artie and Tina go shopping where Artie bought tap shoes. She goes to get pretzels but needs to leave him there. He says his doctor has started him on the therapy Tina suggested. He says they’re working, stands up and starts dancing. About time that got Kevin McHale out of that chair. He sings and dances to the “Safety Dance” in a mall. Is this a tribute to all the flash mobs Glee’s promotion teams sent out? They even have people taping it! It is a tribute to all the flash mobs! Wait, did I see Mercedes in one scene? The song ends and Artie’s in his chair, alone, as Tina gives him a pretzel. He says he’s going to dance someday.

NPH meets with Sue, saying he is going to be in Les Mis next month. He tells Sue that the Cheerios’ budget is crazy. NPH brings out research showing that the arts helps intellect while Sue argues that the country is obese and that sports help with teamwork and confidence. NPH is turned on, as is Sue. Even though he is still cutting half her budget.

What would Barney say?

Jesse runs in the rain to a car where Idina is waiting. He tells her he gave her the tape but she won’t listen to it. Jesse asks why she just doesn’t walk up to her and say, “Hi, I’m your mom.” A million fans are now screaming “I KNEW IT!” at their TV. She said she answered the ad, hoping to go to New York to become an actress. She never held Rachel and that’s her one regret. She signed a contract not to have any contact with her until she’s 18 but if she hears the tape, Rachel will try to find her.

Artie goes to speak to Emma to get therapy to adjust to his life walking. She tries to let him down gently, saying he may not walk for a long time. She agrees to let him see her once a week for a while. He leaves without Tina’s research. NPH announces that the arts matter and he gives him jackets, dance wear and sheet music from every Broadway show ever. Sue comes to congratulate the boys—Will got the role of Valjean while NPH is just a townsman. NPH reverses everything he just said and cuts the program.

NPH practices his one line, saying he is saving the kids from becoming bitter. Because cutting the one thing they have is taken from there. He tells NPH that these kids were labeled from the moment they entered the building. But he sees beyond that and sees stars. When stars die, they become black holes that suck everything. He tells NPH he’s creating thirteen black holes by cutting Glee. Will also gives up his role and lets NPH play Jean Valjean to remember what the arts can do for a person. NPH agrees to the swap and to not cut the Glee club. NPH ambushes the director.

Rachel goes home and Jesse plays the tape. And we here Idina Menzel’s voice start singing “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis. We cut to her singing it on a stark stage. Rachel joins her. This is slightly meta because Lea did play Young Cosette in the Broadway production of Les Mis. They slightly rewrote the song so that it’s not about a guy who left her, but her mother. At least it’s still keeping with the song’s theme. Aretha Franklin’s version? Completely missed the mark. She made it a “I will survive” song that it isn’t. The song ends as we see Idina in her car, rain beating against the window and Rachel crying in her room.

Tina and Artie talk. He pulls out of the routine. He fortune cookies he needs to focus on dreams he can make come true. Tina asks him to at least sing the song. Will announces Glee is saved. Puck asks if he died but NPH was going to be distracted by his lead role of Les Mis. He says he’s trading his one dream for their thirteen ones. Her dance partner is Mike, one of the other football players we never really see. Artie sings the song, “Dream a Little Dream of Me.” You should hear Miss Piggy’s rendition in MuppetVision down in Disney. Tina and Mike dance. Quinn offers support as they dance and Artie sings.

Next week: The Lady Gaga episode. And Finn moving in with Kurt.

That was legend…NPH was great, but when isn’t he? Even in the How I Met Your Mother episodes where Barney merely puts in an appearance. He and Matthew Morrison were great playing old rivals who could be friends, if they wanted to. Or weren’t so competitive. And I’m glad Idina is really Rachel’s mother and this isn’t really some ploy to bring down New Directions like I worried it was when Jesse first took out the tape. And everyone had been commenting on the similarities between Lea Michele and Idina Menzel before Idina was even cast! Also good character development for Tina and Archie. Now, we need to bring on some of Matthew Morrison’s Broadway co-stars. Marissa Jaret Winokur, Harvey Fierstein, Laura Bell Bundy, and/or Kerry Butler from “Hairspray” or Victoria Clarke and/or Kelli O’Hara from “Light in the Piazza.”

Also, today, the third Glee CD was released! I need to go order it and I encourage everyone else to do so as well. And yes, it is available for download on iTunes.

Quote of the Episode:

“I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it.” –Artie

Baggage!

Future!Ted tells his kids that when you date in your 30s, everyone has baggage. For instance, one girl has “Still in love with ex” baggage.

CREDITS!

Ted talks about dating Royce in the Spring of 2010. He says it’s great except her baggage. Which he hasn’t discovered. Barney says that baggage is the cornerstone of the porn industry. Ted mentions that the one time he overlooked someone’s baggage was Stella. And let’s recap how that turned out: Ted proposed, Stella said yes, Stella left him standing at the altar for her ex. So, Ted’s a bit jaded. Marshall says he’s glad he doesn’t have any baggage. Lily: “Mother issues.” Ted: “Grandmother issues.” Barney: “Great-grandmother issues.” Robin: “You’re too nice.” Marshall isn’t sure how that last one counts. But Robin tells Marshall about how he walks down the street, saying hi to everyone. Reminds me of one of my parish priests. Except he’s not driving his motorbike into a ditch. As Barney tells about the best type of baggage before asking why they hang out with him.

That night, Ted tries to find Royce’s baggage. She says she worked in porn. A giant baggage appears next to her, until Royce explains it’s a charitable organization that helps inner-city kids. She then says she killed her brother—baggage appears—*sip* with a joke. She starts to tell it and as she sips her wine, a baggage appears saying: “Ted, wait for her to finish her sip.” By the night’s end, Ted could see no baggage with Royce.

Until she and Ted go to see a movie entitled “The Wedding Bride.” Which is a stupid title anyway. Seriously, “The Wedding Bride”? What other type of bride is there? Hello, writers, is that the best you can do? Look, I know “The Runaway Bride” was already taken but “The Wedding Bride”? REALLY?

Anyway, Ted panics when he realizes “The Wedding Bride” (snicker) was written by Stella’s ex-turned-husband. GASP!

At MacLaren’s, Lily and Marshall tell how they stopped so Dudley-Do-Right could help some people load their moving van. Except that the stuff they were loading didn’t belong to them. So Lily and Marshall had to explain why they were aiding in a crime to the police. Lily then laments to Robin that Marshall also gave the robbers a loan for gas and so that they could send them a check (like that’ll ever appear), he gave them their address. Lily considers the worst-case scenario. Lily says that Marshall’s mascot was a hug.

Ted comes in and says he saw “The Wedding Bride.” Marshall is excited about it, but tries to play it off. Robin asks what it is about. We see a clip from the film where “Jed Moseby” talks about being the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York before spilling hot coffee on himself. Man, that’s worse than TedMosebyIsAJerk.com. Ted answers that it’s about him.

Marshall asks if Ted’s sure. Ted is. Robin wonders why Tony would write the story of his and Stella’s wedding when Tony was the bad guy. We see Jed Moseby, played by Chris Kattan, act like a jerk to his beautiful fiancee Stella. He does mention the time Ted wanted Stella to move from Jersey to New York, but as we all know, Ted caved on that. Movie!Stella wanted to go cake tasting. As we all know, Stella and Ted stole her cousin’s wedding when the couple broke up right before the nuptials. We see “Jed” laughing and then falling down. Marshall can’t believe that passes for comedy and imitates it. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Robin is not even in it. Ted tells how Movie!Tony is both hot and a hero. We saw Ted and Stella’s real proposal. In the movie, Jed just proposes to shut Movie!Stella up. We see the two minute day. The movie: What’s up with the “no can dos-ville.”

Then we get the ending…Hey, it’s the dad from “Even Stevens” and the reverend from “Secret Life of an American Teenager.” Anyway, Stella and Jed are at the altar (which they never went to a church) when Tony comes in, saying she needs to marry him. There’s a whole long spiel worthy of a chick flick. And Stella and Tony live happily ever after. With no daughter, apparently. At the end, Royce praises it and Ted realizes he comes with baggage: left at the altar. He wants to put the movie behind him, even though it’s the 5th top grossing movie of all time.

So of course, the entire gang goes to see it.

At MacLaren’s, Royce and this couple she and Ted are on a date with heap praises on “The Wedding Bride” and state they are going to see it again. Ted…looks less than thrilled. Royce says there’s only one flaw—besides the title, Royce? She says she doesn’t know why Stella fell in love with the jerk in the first place. Ted has a nervous breakdown before saying that the movie sucked and they are all stupid for liking it. Ted leaves.

Marshall and Lily are surprised that Ted used Jed’s catchphrase. Ted decides to move to a country where no one has seen the movie. Robin says every country has seen the movie. Marshall says he’s nice because he doesn’t care about someone else’s baggage. And he says Ted taught him to be that way—a guy who was uncynical and saw the best in everyone. Marshall gives Ted a pep talk to chase after Royce. She’s watching “The Wedding Bride.” As Movie!Tony runs for Movie!Stella, we see Ted run for Royce. He finds her…and Barney…at the movie. Ted tells her about Stella and how he is Jed Mosely, but without the jerk attitude. Ted promises her to make her pancakes, while Royce agrees. Barney chants “Kiss him!” (except he didn’t say “kiss” and got ejected from the movie). Royce kisses Ted as Movie!Tony and Movie!Stella kiss behind him.

They leave the theater and he tells Royce that he’s still getting over what Stella did to him. Royce offers to help and picks up his “left at the altar baggage.” Future!Ted fortune cookies about how it is easier to carry your baggage when you let someone help you.

Tag: Ted discovers Royce’s baggage. She’s been left at the altar! Thrice! The last time was because of her gambling addiction! So now she shares an apartment with her brother! A studio apartment where they share a bed! Ted tells her she has to go.

A good episode, particularly with the movie. It was great to see how Tony twisted the truth to suit his needs. And Chris Kattan plays a jerk so well! The relationship with Royce seemed sweet and I wish they would let one of Ted’s girlfriends stay for more than one episode. Please? Ted hasn’t had a long term relationship with Stella. He took the leap last year, give him the chance to try a long relationship.

Am still wondering about the fallout from Marshall’s Dudley-Do-Right deed gone wrong.

Quote of the Episode:

“There is only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a giant yellow bird lives on it.” –Barney about Marshall’s niceness.

Rock and Roll Circuses and America’s Next Top Model!

A side note to Entertainment Weekly: I love your magazine. Really, I do. I grab it out of the mail pile every Friday and read it cover to cover. And usually you guys are great about summarizing TV shows without giving much away. But did you realize that there was a two-hour finale? Because you revealed the final two when there were still four contenders in play! Tsk, tsk.

This past cycle: Thirteen girls braved Perez Hilton, runways of swinging pendulums, New York City, the chance of walking the plank, and earning the phrase “dreckitude” from new judge Andre Leon Talley. The final six flew to Auckland, New Zealand and then had to survive the possibility of being sacrificed to the volcano, sheep, Jessica’s attempts at cooking, crouching into Hobbit holes and Tyra herself. Angelea and Alexandra were JUST eliminated and now Raina and Krista will cute their way down an Anna Sui fashion show to be crowned America’s Next Top Model. Who will win? Find out now! But only if you’ve read the post directly below this first!

Wanna be on top?

Raina and Krista celebrate being the Top Two. Krista says she’s focused and she needs to beat Raina. Raina wonders about their Cover Girl commercial. She wanted to do it. She says she wants to win and her competitive spirit comes from playing volleyball which she put aside for modeling, her true passion. Krista mentions she’s tried out

TYRA MAIL! “One of you will rise aove the other to claim the title of America’s Next Top Model but right now you are flying on the same level. So pack an overnight bag.” Raina celebrates which Krista dubs as fake.

The girls go to catch a helicopter. They go to Hurakia Lodge for some pampering. They are greeted with champagne as Ms. J sashays in. Krista says she just wants to celebrate but the work starts right away. Ms. J says they are getting pampered so they are young and fresh for tomorrow’s Cover Girl commercial. He gives them their scripts and Raina is overjoyed. They study. Krista doesn’t want cue cards. Mr. Jay comes up making fun of Krista when she got her photo. He tells them they are filming their commercial and shooting a picture which will be used nationwide. Nicole from the last cycle comes back to give them some advice. The concept: the girls are getting ready for a night out on the town. They hit the make up booth and the poor stylists have to shill for it.

Raina goes to take her still photograph. Tony, the photographer, loved how Raina worked her eyes. Nicole goes to give Krista a pep talk. She then goes to film her commercial. She messes up a line and we see up to take 7. Mr. Jay threatens to use the cue cards.

Top Model Lounge! Bianca calls the cue cards the “kiss of death.” Laura says Krista’s psyching herself out.

We come back to Krista still blanking out and finally asking for the cue cards. Mr. Jay likes that Krista is laughing it off as most girls would crumble. Mr. Jay and Jonathan like her sway. She goes to take her still print. Tony loves her smile. Which saves her from looking cold. Raina is now up to shoot her commercial. Mr. Jay tells her not to choreograph herself as she keeps screwing up. Jonathan tells her she has the lines and it’s time to model.

Raina and Krista go back to Auckland and receive Tyra Mail saying they will be doing their Seventeen Magazine shoots. Oh, Ann Shoket should be showing up then. Raina figures she has the upper hand on that shoot. They go to meet Nigel who sends them to hair and make up. I loved Raina’s little peace sign. Krista says she wants to see a “chocolate black girl” on the cover of something.

The girls go back to their house to find Tyra setting up cameras. She says she wants to do a family portrait but something is missing. Are they bringing back the eliminated girls? The girls’ families?

They brought in the girls’ families! Krista goes to hug her mom and stepdad. Next comes out Raina’s dad. Tyra does Krista’s family first. Her mother says she’s proud of her and starts to cry. Tyra tells Raina’s dad to relax and he is proud of Raina’s passion. The pictures will be on Tyra.com. Time for the family reunion to end. The girls say their good-byes.

And then head for their runway show. They are in the Auckland Museum. It is themed of “Rock and Roll Circus.” So besides Nicole and professional models, the girls will be walking with Alasia, Jessica, Alexandra and Angelea. Angelea supports Team Krista. Jessica is on Team Raina. The crowd enters and then the judges plus Ms. J. Mr. Jay directs the show. He cues the circus performers. Nicole then opens the show. Angelea is next before Krista takes her first walk. We see Jessica before Raina takes her first walk. Alasia and Alexandra strut down the catwalk while Krista and Raina change. The next turn is tandem walking. Alexandra and Alasia are paired as are Angelea and Jessica. Raina and Krista walk down together. Raina blows a kiss before leaving. Then comes the finale, everyone walks out clapping.

Tyra goes to talk to Krista. She says she brought her personality in the walk and to be Krista. She says she didn’t always pretty. She wants to show dark-skinned girls they are pretty. Tyra hugs her. She then goes to visit Raina. Raina says it was one of the first times she let loose and had fun. She says she wouldn’t have been able to do this two years ago. Raina recalls being picked on for being tall, gangly, odd eyebrows and big lips. Tyra says she loves the differences. Tyra hugs her.

Final judging…What is up with Tyra’s top? I love their outfits. For the last time this cycle the prizes are: a contract with Wilhelmina Models, a six page spread and cover of Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl. There are the judges Nigel Barker and Andre Leon Talley. And the guest judge is Ms. J, back on the panel. The girls are called forward. Ms. J says Krista went back to safety steps but Andre says it was like she was walking on air. Ms. J says she was heavy footed but she was cute. Andre loved her smile and Tyra just loved her walk. Nigel calls Raina’s picture gentle while Andre calls her fresh. Ms. J calls Krista “in your face” beauty. Tyra calls her stunning but she is not smiling with her eyes. Commercial time. Nigel likes Raina’s timber and enunciation. He tells her not to forget her eyes. Andre didn’t read her personality. Tyra tells her to be the girl she is when she is just chilling. And Tyra mentions that Mr. Jay said Krista forgot her lines. Tyra tells her to remain in the commercial. Nigel says the light loves her.

Time for the final deliberation. Andre says both were strong in the competition and both used it as a learning experience. Nigel says they are charming in their own ways. Krista is better body wise while Raina has it made in the face. Andre thinks Raina would be better in the European market while Krista could do the international market. Krista is great for shows while Raina is great for pictures. Nigel thinks Raina will be successful at home but Andre argues they should look for someone with international appeal. Nigel says Krista shows heart but they both have drama.

America’s Next Top Model is…Krista! She starts to cry and apologizes to Raina but she tells Krista it’s okay. Tyra hugs Raina and says she is proud of her. Raina says she knows she should be sad but she’s not. She’s learned so much and has accomplished so much. Raina thanks the panel and wishes Krista luck. Tyra tells Krista she is the embodiment of America’s Next Top Model. All her attempts to get on the show have finally paid off. Even Andre is crying.

America’s Next Top Model: Krista

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Did I want Raina to win? Hell yes. Am I surprised Krista won? Hell no. I got the feeling she would win sometime around New Zealand. She was rising so fast and doing so well that it was the only logical conclusion. However, she is talented and a model through and through. The sad thing is this show will probably hamper her career a bit. But I predict Raina and Angelea will be mentioned in a few cycles as runners up who made it big. And I wish they would bring either Jessica or Angelea back for Top Model Lounge. Angelea especially would provide good commentary.

So, I shall see you all next September for Cycle 15! Time for a whole new set of model wannabes, new runways, more antics from the Jays and perhaps the girls modeling scenes from Tyra’s new fantasy series?

Have a fantastic summer!

Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to write about this summer!

PS: Just one request, new model wannabes—work on the sound bites. I love my quote of the episode bits but I need quotes for it to work!

50-50!

Last week on America’s Next Top Model: The five remaining girls showed that they didn’t have enough of a collective IQ to put out a fire when one of the tacos Jessica was attempting to cook went up. The girls went to the set of Hobbiton where Sarah McLeod (Rosie Cotton) judged their ability to cram themselves into a Hobbit hole and still get a good picture. Tyra later was their photographer in a shoot based on shadows. In the end, it came down to Raina and Jessica with Jessica getting the boot. Four girls remain, two will go home and two will stomp to the death. Who will be America’s Next Top Model? Find out!

Wanna be on top?

The final four celebrate their final-four-ness. Krista proves she can do math—they each have a 25% chance of winning. She wants to win. Alexandra was upset she didn’t get a first photo last week but she knows she’ll be in the final two. Raina pretends to interview Alexandra, who knocks her hand away. Alexandra doesn’t think Raina is very mature and we see her yelling “Final Four” whenever she can. Raina thinks that her happiness is turning the others off because they can’t tear her down. She says she’ll be an inspiration—she started off as an insecure, awkward girl to a confident top model. Angelea thinks America is ready for her to be Top Model.

The girls get a surprise visitor—Andre Leon Talley. Krista worries he’s going insult their house clothes. But he gives them real flowers—Angelea points out they are real. He tells them about traveling the world and how to behave with designers across the world. Krista asks about the invention of “dreckitude” and working for Vogue. He said he loves working and all he got to do. Andre admits he was insecure but he worked hard, first for Andy Warhol. Yes, Andy. Warhol. Angelea hangs on every word he said, associating with his story. We see her in Cycle 12 casting, saying she slept on the Port Authority bus depot. Andre tells them to work hard, not give up and gives them each a hug.

TYRA MAIL! “Time to get ready for a different kind of runway. Pack an overnight bag.” Where are they going?

They go to the airport where Mr. Jay meets them. They are going to Queenstown for their next photo shoot. Raina wants to step up her game. Each girl sits in the plane while Ms. J makes an announcement about being prepared. Mr. Jay goes on about bringing personality to their runway walk. It’s a runway challenge! The girls’ jaws drop.

The winner of the challenge will get to walk in New Zealand’s Fashion Week and get jewelry. We see Tyra walking in a Victoria’s Secret show as Mr. Jay tells them to walk with personality. Alexandra asks about heels, which she has in her purse. Angelea only has one heel. Alexandra is up first. She borrows someone’s sunglasses. Imitates the flight stewardess and comes back, returning the sunglasses. Krista is next. Ms. J gives her a little shove and he tells her that is what happens. Mr. Jay wants playful. The Jays don’t hate it. Mr. Jay likes how she works the jacket. Angelea goes next. The Jays don’t know what she’s doing with her hands but they love her turn. Raina finishes. Angelea declares her boring. She flirts with the crowd. Mr. Jay asks her for more grace.

The winner is: Krista. She is speechless. The plane applauds, probably cause they figure this torture is over. Alexandra was very close, which depresses her.

They arrive in Queenstown and drive. The girls love it and Raina calls it “Lord of the Rings.” Uh duh, that’s where they filmed the movies. So of course it looks like Middle-earth. Mr. Jay praises the environment. The shoot is about being “pretty-ugly.” The backdrop will be pretty, the girls will be ugly. And they will have to sell it. Mr. Jay reveals that at the next panel, two girls will be going home. Krista notes that ups it from 25% to 50%.

Top Model Lounge! Laura mentions that two girls were eliminated at once in her cycle. Bianca says it is now do or die.

The girls are sent to hair and make up. Krista goes first. Mr. Jay loves what she’s doing. She does broken down. He says her eyes are still soft and pretty. She gets a “good job.” Angelea gets tied in as Alexandra goes to the set. Monty likes her but Jay doesn’t think it’s what they are looking for. So she fights through and gets it. Raina is next and loves her outfit. Mr. Jay tells her to step out of the box. Mr. Jay calls her “pretty-pretty” not “ugly-pretty.” He likes that she took direction well but she still needs to step out of the box. Angelea is last. He wants more in her face because she’s just blank. She wants to tune him out. And I think Mr. Jay knows that. She starts getting awkward and he likes it.

That’s a wrap.

They go back to Auckland and admire Krista’s prizes. She got more prizes because she had the best photograph. They all help her open and even though the girls note she got doubles of some of the jewelry, she doesn’t share. Of course, I would be saving mine to share with my sister and friends at home, which may be construed as greed. SKULL AND CROSSBONES! Two girls aren’t going to make it. Sadly, that isn’t literal. The girls are nervous.

PANEL! There are prizes, there are judges and today’s guest judge is Mr. Jay. Raina is first. Andre loves her eyes, how they suggest something dark. Mr. Jay talks about her being “pretty-pretty.” Tyra says she was the prettiest. Angelea is next. Andre praises her go-see dress. Mr. Jay calls her the one who was most confused. Andre likes her photo as does Tyra, calling her “haunted.” Nigel says she is closing in on herself and Mr. Jay tells her that she set her own bar and she can set it again. Krista is applauded for the challenge win. Tyra calls her “androgynous” and that makes it work. Andre says this was a picture that could get her booked. Mr. Jay praises her. Tyra praises her for creating space. Alexandra is last. Nigel says it is more cinematic than fashion. Andre likes her face and how the person in the picture is different than the one before them.

The judges deliberate. Everyone feels like it’s the final elimination. Nigel sees real talent in Raina. Mr. Jay praises her beauty and her ability to direction. Andre doesn’t feel an emotional response from her. Andre praises Krista. Mr. Jay points out that her face is her weak spot. Nigel loves Alexandra’s shape. Mr. Jay praises her angles and eye lines. Tyra does know who Alexandra is. Andre thinks Angelea needs exposure and the chance to travel. Mr. Jay thinks that she doesn’t see the competition as a beginning or an end. The winner has to carry their career. Tyra mentions some past non-winners who have made it big: Fatima (Cycle 10), Anya (Cycle 10), Katarzyna (Cycle 10), Mollie Sue (Cycle 6).

ELIMINATION! The first finalist is Krista. She freaks out and talks about her 50% chance. The final three step forward. Alexandra: Has a great body but the pictures aren’t consistent. Raina: Second-coming of Brooke Shields. Strong face, great eyes but she seems to prefer some shoots over others and only excels at them. Angelea: Fantastic face but can she take criticism. So, who will be going head to head with Krista? Raina! I always knew she’d end up in the final two. I just thought she’d be going against Angelea but then Krista just shot out of nowhere. Tyra hugs Alexandra and tells her to work on her angles. Tyra moves to hug Angelea, telling her she came so far. But she needs to take criticism and keep her head held high. The girls hug. Alexandra thanks them and Angelea promises they will see her again. She stops to do her Hammer dance and Tyra tells her that is how she must handle rejection.

Tyra tells the girls that Anna Sui wants happy, winking, twirling and cutesy for her show.

Alexandra and Angelea go home to pack. Alexandra says it sucks to walk away without the title but she’s going to work at it. Angelea says she’s proud of herself and she’s still a winner. She says she believes and she is still America’s Next Top Model.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Part II and America’s Next Top Model in the next part!

Your Inner Voice

Last week on Glee: Someone posted a Glist—a ranking of the Glee members according to hotness. Sue got to duet with Olivia Newton-John. Emma learned about Will’s escapades with two of the Witches of Oz. Rachel blew it with Jesse, Puck and Finn with just one song. Kurt, Tina, Artie, Mercedes and Brittany tried to be bad and backfired. And in case you were wondering, Quinn posted the Glist.

People whisper in the hallways. They stare. The Gleeks fall silent. Puck has shaved his head! GASP! Brittany doesn’t even recognize him. He tells Santana about how his mom found a mole and freaked out. So she took him to a dermatologist, who shaved his head to find it was nothing. He says he feels like the guy who lost all his hair and his strength. “Sampson?” Santana guesses. “Agassi,” Puck replies. She says she’s not turned on and leaves. Outside, the geeks surround Puck and throw him into the dumpster. Mostly because he lets him. As he lies there pondering his life, he hears Mercedes singing. He thinks she’s suddenly become popular. He needs to do that. And he’s going to do it by dating Mercedes.

Can this girl get a real boyfriend who isn’t gay or just using her, please?

Meanwhile, Rachel takes out a pharmacy. She’s exhausted and needs the vitamin supplements. She thinks it is because she is singing too many solos. She knows she has perfect pitch, sensitive hearing and knows no one is singing. So she made a deal with the AV club to bug the room. We hear Rachel drown everyone out and watch as she makes a Glist of her own. The members who aren’t pulling their weight.

Meanwhile, Puck tries to proposition Mercedes. She turns him down flat. Atta girl!

Will asks why some of the members of his club aren’t singing. Finn stopped because he’s no longer getting the male leads. That would be Jesse. Santana just doesn’t give a damn, Quinn blames hormones and Brittany just can’t remember the lyrics. Will tells them to work together as one. He tells the Glee members to pick a song that represents them, their voice and sing it.

Kurt sees his dad, who is taking Finn to a game. Cue the green-eyed monster!

Puck continues to try to woo Mercedes. Rachel will be singing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. She insults the team. She starts to sing but is off. The Glee don’t know whether to laugh or stop her. Will tells her she’s lost her voice.

Dun dun dun!

Sue comes to ask Sue about Kurt’s absence from the Cheerios. He confides in her. Sue actually gives him somewhat decent advice. She says that his generation is too wrapped up in labels and that he shouldn’t label himself. He tries to go on about his song choice but Sue leaves him. We next see him dressed like a hunter and asking his dad about John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses.” They go bond.

At the doctor’s, Finn supports Rachel. The doctor tells her she has tonsillitis and that her tonsils should’ve been taken out. She doesn’t want it to affect her vocal chords so the doctor starts her out with antibiotics. She asks Finn for advice. He tells her to ask her boyfriend. Oh, she can’t. He’s on spring break and hasn’t really talked to her since the Run, Joey, Run incident. Finn tells her that Jesse wouldn’t support her like he does. Rachel tells him that she still loves Jesse and he loves her. Cue “Jesse’s Girl.” And Rachel knows what it’s about.

Will is pleased by Finn’s choice. Puck decides to go next. He even brings in a jazz band. He says that Sammy Davis, Jr. was an inspiration. He sings “Lady is a Tramp.” That’s one of the best part of this show—the mixing of styles. They can swing from an 80s pop hit to a 60s lounge number like that. Santana thinks she’s losing Puck. The Gleeks swing while Mercedes duets with Puck. Now Santana gets a visit from the Green-Eyed Monster.

Mercedes glides down the hall on cloud nine till she spots Quinn. The song apparently worked and she decides to go with him. Quinn tells her to go for it because he’s annoying her. But she warns Mercedes first that Puck’s using her. She knows but she likes the attention. Then she warns Mercedes that Santana is a force to be reckoned with.

At Glee, a trucker hat supporting Kurt performs his song. Slight applause. Will doesn’t think Kurt got the right song. He tells Kurt to be himself. And gives Kurt even better advice: don’t be someone because it’s easier. But Brittany continues on her quest to be the biggest slut in McKinley High and flirts with Kurt.

Rachel looks like they threw together a mixture of Eponine’s costume and Lea Michele’s Ragtime costume as she eats soup. Finn’s sick of her pity party and decides to introduce her to a friend of his.

Kurt and Brittany make out. Mike O’Malley is surprised to find the two in his son’s room. Mike thought his son was having a murder mystery dinner. Not making out for real. Mike is a bit surprised. He tells Kurt that he’s free to be whoever he wants and he’ll support Kurt either way. He leaves, telling them to use protection. Brittany wonders if that’s a house alarm.

Meanwhile, Mercedes can’t stand listening to Puck go on about Super Mario 3. She tells him she likes frozen coffee drinks. As he goes to get one for her, a nerd flinches. Puck is back to his old reputation. Puck is overjoyed as smiles at Santana. She and Mercedes sing the Monica-Brandy duet “The Boy is Mine.” They start a shoving match as Will referees.

The nerd ends up in the dumpster. Mercedes does not approve. Finn and Rachel visit his friend, Sean. He flirts with Rachel. Sean was injured in a football injury. Paralyzed from the chest down. He asks if she’s pissed about losing her voice. He said he was and even tried to commit suicide. But it was Mom to the rescue. He’s not happier now but he’s accepted that there’s more to him. He’s good at math and can sing. He wished he could have had the courage to join his school’s glee club. Rachel thanks him as she and Finn leave.

Back at school, Mercedes quit the Cheerios. She tells Sue that being a Cheerio wasn’t her. Sue worries about their routine and figures she’ll have to do a diatribe on immigrants. Mercedes tells Puck that he needs to evaluate who he is. Because Mercedes is pretty sure the nerd-dumpster-throwing guy isn’t Puck.

Meanwhile, Brittany is admiring how soft Kurt’s hands are when Mike O’Malley shows up. He has plans with Finn tonight. You can see Kurt’s heart break. Mike tells him they’ll be other times to hang out.

Kurt gets “Rose’s Turn”? That’s awesome.

As Kurt finishes, his dad claps. He tells him he blew off Finn because he knew Kurt was not fine. Not with how he sung. He tells Kurt he’s supporting Kurt and whoever he loves. Kurt knows he’s a disappointment. Mike stops him. He tells Kurt to be himself and Mike is going to love him. They hug and this is so sweet. I really love their relationship.

Rachel goes back to visit Sean. She thanks him for showing her that singing may be what she does best, but it may not be the only thing. She offers to give him singing lessons. Her voice is back after a massive dosage of antibiotics, herbal remedies and silence. She starts to sing “One” by U2. This brings back fond memories from my Youth Group. We sang a lot of U2. And “House of the Rising Sun.” Don’t ask. Sean’s pretty good but we segue into…

Finn singing the song as the group performs it.

Next week: Neil. Patrick. Harris.

Good episode. It was good to see the friendship between Finn and Rachel again. And now I can’t wait for Kurt’s boyfriend next season. And I still want John Barrowman to join the cast as a mentor for him. Turn the tables on dad, even if I love Mike O’Malley and how the role is written. And can we give Mercedes a real boyfriend now? Please?

Quote of the Episode:

“I’m like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live.”--Rachel

Construction Workers, Gladiators and Vikings, Oh My!

Two guys fight at a construction site until one of them grabs a jackhammer. It looks like one of the guys gets jackhammered until construction worker pulls away to reveal blood. Cue Mac and Hawkes, who confirm it is blood. Flack tells us the fight was a good ole fashion Brooklyn fight between laborers and scabs. They X-Ray the concrete slab to find a body underneath. Paced on it’s position, the victim was buried alive.

CUE THE WHO!

NEW YORK! The crime lab techs cut through the concrete to get to the body as Lindsay takes pictures. And Mac stands around looking…intense? I’ll go with intense. Stella arrives and says the scabs have been getting threats from the striking workers for weeks. The site manager locked the gates but this morning they were open. Lindsay thinks a vehicle broke it down.

At the lab, Sid and Hawkes chisel the body out of the concrete while X-Raying the body as well. They chip away slowly but surely as his face is revealed. Sid pulls something out of his mouth. Mac notes that John Doe took a beating but Sid says COD is suffocation. Mac wants John Doe’s description compared to the records of the site workers. Lindsay tests chain strengths while Hawkes and Sid continue chipping. Hawkes gets fingerprints, Lindsay gets trace. So does Hawkes.

Stella goes to find what Lindsay found out. The perp couldn’t drive anything smaller than a SUV but the tire tracks were made by tires used on sports car. The trace on the fence seem to point to car paint except there isn’t a solvent. So Stella thinks of a push bar. The women think there are two cars. Meanwhile, Adam discovered Hawkes’ trace is Christmas in Hollis, Queen. It’s enhanced marijuana. Adam couldn’t find a comparison to any of the workers, but he found someone who bought marijuana in New Jersey. He gives Hawkes the address.

Flack and Danny go down a skivvy hallway as loud music plays. They knock, wait and then bust down the door. No one is in the apartment and the couch is watching TV. They think the perps jumped the victim in the apartment until Colby Jenkins walks in with pizza. He says he stepped out for toilet paper…before Flack points out he doesn’t have it. Colby lights up and says it’s legal because of his brain cancer. Or at least his medical records say. Danny asks who the victim is. Colby remembers watching TV with John Doe…watching Muppet Babies with “The Gladiator.”

Hawkes brings Mac down to Sid’s lab. John Doe is dressed as a gladiator.

Hawkes examines the gladiator outfit, pulling out a glass shard. Sid focuses on the man in the outfit. He has a puncture wound in his arm. Sid pulls out trace. The Gladiator died forty-eight hours ago. He had bleeding on the brain, probably from the beating. Mac notes that The Gladiator’s hands looked like they beat people up. The guy also had injuries common to boxers. Mac notes that something seems familiar. He was a fan of an amateur boxing champ, who dressed as a gladiator. Joe “The Gladiator” Carthage was rumored to have retired and possibly become an alcoholic.

To the gym! Mac asks the trainer to confirm if John Doe is Joe Carthage. Trainer agrees. He was great until he was put into a coma. He couldn’t fit anymore once he woke up. He had no enemies, worked as a bouncer.

Stella does research on Carthage as Lindsay says the bone fragment found in the wound isn’t even human. Lindsay wonders why Joe was fighting. Mac goes to ask about Joe at work. The co-worker praised him for just doing his job and doing it well. She recalls an incident where Joe stepped in as some patrons got grabsy with the waitress. The patron threatens Joe. The co-worker was grateful to Joe. Flack drags the patron in as Stella squares off with brother. Apparently, their grandfather has a record. He wonders if they were living up to the family name. They are cocky until Stella reveals that their car has the same tires found at Joe’s burial site. Flack thinks they beat him up, dressed him as a gladiator and buried him. The brothers sober up and say that while they have to live up to the family name, they know better then to fight a guy dressed as a gladiator. They just bragged to their friends.

Danny backs up the brothers’ claims. Their Camaro couldn’t have done it. Right tires, wrong tread. They are all talk—they have no criminal records and are on the Dean’s List at Hofstra. I was a Dean’s List student. The glass Hawkes found has advanced technology used by several businesses, including one that folded in Manhattan. Danny and Hawkes go and find signs of struggle. And blood. Whoever beat up the Gladiator tried to spackle the evidence. Danny notes the cameras all pointing at that wall. Hawkes sprays it with Luminal, Danny turns the shades on the windows and the wall glows. They process the scene with Adam’s help.

At the lab, everyone mobs Mac. Hawkes and Lindsay confirm the abandoned office is the crime scene. Adam says that the bone is whale bone while Lindsay says that an indent was made by a Norse sword. Lindsay pulls up footage and says a Viking killed the Gladiator.

This is starting to sound like a high school football game.

We see a Viking fighting a lumberjack. Is this the Halloween version of Fight Club. It’s Blood and Guts Bawling. Lindsay says it’s supposed to be all for show and no one is not supposed to die. Mac wonders why Joe would take the risk. Adam is going though the footage from the security cameras. Flack and Stella go to where the IP address led them—to Branson, the promoter of Blood and Guts Brawling. Branson doesn’t meet most of his fighters. He just arranges the fights, tweets the locations and everyone shows up. Branson has the fight and says it looked good. Everyone was alive at the end. Branson says Joe wasn’t like the other fighters. He was just eager to fight. Flack arrests him for organizing illegal fights.

We see the Viking vs the Gladiator. Joe lands a blow, so does the Viking. Joe gets the upper hand. Viking pierces Joe with his helmet—hence the whale bone. Joe wins with the Viking surrendering. Joe tells him they had a good fight before enjoying his victory. Joe could’ve fallen unconscious later and the person he was with could’ve panicked. They need to ID the Viking.

The landlord lets Mac into Joe’s apartment. Mac spots a bag under the bed. He pulls out red boxing gloves, red boxers and a red sign saying “Wanna Fight?” Next, Mac finds pictures of Joe and his trainer as well as Joe in the ring. Mac’s mind plays memories of Joe’s victories in the ring.

Adam’s at the lab, going over Branson’s phone. Hawkes goes over the concrete for more trace. He finds gold? Adam finds an Erik Overson. I think he’s the Viking! And I’m correct. He only has a few misdemeanors. But there is no connection between Overson and Joe as well as Brooklyn. Overson comes in and swears that Joe was alive when he left him. Mac says they have proof of felony assault. Overson says he didn’t know about Joe’s condition. Mac gets a call. Hawkes finds a pendant given only to trainers of amateur boxing champs. The trainer buried Joe.

Mac goes back the gym with the trainer’s pendant. Mac asks about Branson and if the trainer knew that he recruited Joe to his fighting league. The trainer was asked to convince Joe to fight to save his gym. Branson showed up the office and texted the trainer. He discovered an unconscious Joe. He called the trainer, who says he’s gone. So the trainer and Branson buried Joe. The Viking has a defense—an accident. But trainer doesn’t—he committed murder. Trainer says that for one brief moment, Joe had his dignity back and let him live again. Mac reveals that Trainer buried Joe alive. He was only in a coma-like state. Unis come in to arrest the trainer as Mac looks on. He sees a shadow of Joe, in his glory, in the ring.

Next week: Little kid vs Skivvy Adult. Who will win To Tell the Truth?

Models of the Shire

Last week: The girls flew to Auckland, New Zealand and immediately went on go-sees. Angelea impressed but Alexandra, Krista, and Alasia were all late getting back to the model agency. Nigel directed them in a shoot featuring a sheep. At panel, Krista wowed again while Alasia and Jessica fell to the bottom two. In the end, Alasia was sent back the 22  hours to America. Five girls remain—who will be sent back Stateside tonight? Find out!

Wanna be on top?

AUCKLAND! Raina congratulates them all for being in the top 5. Alexandra confesses she isn’t going to be friendly. She’s going to be on top. Jessica talks about being certain she was going to be sent home. Krista admires her picture back at the penthouse. Alexandra says that Krista looks like she’s in a tornado. Angelea says she and Krista are drifting as Krista drifts closer to Alexandra.

Jessica misses her family while the girls worry about a double elimination. Meanwhile, Jessica tries to make tacos and puts them on top of the toaster. They catch fire. And the girls are absolutely useless. They pretty much run around the kitchen, yelling. Find the damn fire extinguisher and put the damn fire out! It’s not rocket science, brainiacs! Someone throws a towel on top of the flames. Good start, guys, but you need to SMOTHER the flames to cut off the oxygen. In the end, the fire is put out and Jessica reveals her husband does most of the cooking at home. Alexandra and Krista pretty much call her a bad wife and mother because she doesn’t cook and say her child is screwed.

Because Jessica doesn’t cook? There are other stay at home moms who aren’t the primary cooks in the family.

TYRA MAIL! “Who says you can’t fit a square peg into a round hole?” Bwah?

Alexandra teases Raina for memorizing the Tyra mail. We flash back to Raina’s awkward phase. She loves New Zealand and decides that Krista and Alexandra aren’t going to…Was that a sign welcoming them to Hobbiton?

They meet Jay and apparently they are fans of the Lord of the Rings. Jessica freaks out when they realize that they are in Hobbiton. Jay introduces them to Sarah McLeod AKA Rosie Cotton from the movies. Remember, she’s the one Sean Astin married at the end? The girls flip out except for Angelea, who wonders if she’s the only one who hasn’t seen these movies.

Yes, Angelea, you are.

Sarah says that on a set—both as a model or an actress—they will be put in uncomfortable situations. She is 5’7 and had to crawl out of the Hobbit holes during the shooting of Lord of the Rings. Mr. Jay announces they will be doing a shoot—five frames in the Hobbit hole doorway. They will be modeling “World” designs. Alexandra goes first and uses the door to her advantage. Krista is next and Mr. Jay seems unsure of her poses. Krista focuses on showing Angelea she is competition. Jessica is third. Jessica is a Lord of the Rings fan…but I loved her first pose. Angelea follows Jessica. Mr. Jay likes her planes. Raina is last. She uses New Zealand as inspiration.

Alexandra: Did something different but more pin-up than fashion. Raina: Great face but not so great poses. Jessica: Standard poses. Angelea: Worked it. Krista: Used the space in a smart way. And the winner will get World merchandise. Sarah announces the winner as…

Top Model Lounge! Laura thinks Angelea did the best but Bianca is rooting for Krista.

HOBBITON! Sarah finally tells us that Krista is the winner. Angelea looks devastated. And she gets more merchandise because she was the first picture last week. They say good-bye to Sarah…

…And hello to Krista’s prize. Jessica says that Krista is the queen bee and a strong competitor. Meanwhile, Krista and Alexandra mock Angelea club walk at panel last week. They probably weren’t the only ones. We even get in flashback complete with music. And shots of Tyra and Andre looking like “Wha?” Krista says that if Angelea can dish it she can also take it as Angelea leaves the room. We see Angelea back in Cycle 12 where she tells Tyra she slept in Port Authority.

TYRA MAIL! “If you want to be a true top model, you might have to shadow one.” The girls try to figure out what that means. Jessica talks about missing her child, just like Anslee and Brenda did. Before they left.

Jessica’s a goner, isn’t she?

The next morning, Krista and Alexandra are sunbathing on the deck when Raina comes out to enjoy New Zealand and the morning. And to let the others know she’s enjoying it. This annoys Krista and Alexandra to no end.

The girls hop on their New Zealand bus and meet Mr. Jay at a barn. He comments on the gorgeous day and tells them they are at a New Zealand vineyard. He talks about how the growers plant the grapes so they can catch the suns. The models will be finding their light…amongst shadows. Because that’s where Tyra hides! The girls are excited. Mr. Jay tells the girls to pierce through to the lens as Tyra wants face.

The girls hit hair and make up while Tyra approves of wardrobe. She moves on to hair choices for the girls and is impressed by Raina’s poses. Angelea is nervous to have Tyra that close. Jessica says she doesn’t feel fierce enough and she looks dejected. She knows she has to do good on the shoot.

Back at hair, the girls get clay put in their hair. Alexandra goes first. She is on logs. Tyra tells her focus on danger, on secrets she’d never tell. Tyra liked shooting her. She fought through the shoot even though she needs a tissue. This makes Jessica even more nervous. Jessica hikes to a knoll. Tyra says she can’t believe Jessica has a baby and Jessica says she can’t talk to her son, he’s too young. Tyra wants her to not be pretty and to think out of the box. Tyra realizes Jessica can’t do ugly-pretty but she finds it again, which makes Jay happy. Raina is third to be shot and Jay tells her to find her love for the shoot. She’s practically naked in ropes. Tyra wants her to push though and Jay thinks she was a bit weak this week. Mr. Jay calls Tyra “Bankable Incorporated” as he brings Angelea to set. Tyra tells her to be “sexy tired.” She wants to show up Krista and Raina. Tyra calls her “sweet, soft and blah” until Tyra directed her to be dead. Krista is last. And she’s on gravel. Ouch. They are trying to beat the sun. Tyra calls her a cheetah. With a secret. Tyra says Krista gets it.

That’s a wrap!

Krista knows anyone could go home.

Skulls and crossbones! One day, a pirate should run in to read the “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges…” That would be interesting.

With a Maori introduction, the girls enter panel. There are prizes, there are judges, and the guest judge is Sarah McLeod. Alexandra is first to appear before the judges. Nigel compliments her appearance. And her shot. Sarah likes the contrast with the light in the eyes. Raina is next. Sarah can’t see her eyes and Nigel felt if they were in the light more, the picture would’ve exploded. Raina says that Tyra was very personable to work with. Tyra says Mr. Jay thinks Raina prefers romance. She needs to like all her shoots. The judges like Angelea’s outfit this week better than last weeks. Andre also loves her shot. But Nigel thinks the close up isn’t so great. He tells her to imagine she’s focusing on something she can’t see in the distance. Jessica follows and gets outfit praise as well. Sarah likes her eyes, Nigel thinks she’s searching for the truth. Andre is lost for words and Nigel picks up that profile isn’t her strong point. Tyra tells her to push past the shadows. Krista is last. Nigel loves her shot. Tyra praises her variety and understanding how to model. Time for the judges to deliberate!

The judges deliberate. Nigel thinks Alexandra is finally getting it. Andre doesn’t like her shot but Sarah does. Angelea’s shoulders are great but Nigel doesn’t like her eye contact. Tyra admits to struggling during the shoot. They don’t like Jessica’s shot but she has a great personality and a great mover. Andre says Krista’s shot could’ve been in the great French magazine Vu, back in the 20s and 30s. ELIMINATION! The first girl safe is Krista. She is surprised to get a third first picture. She is joined by Alexandra and Angelea. Jessica and Raina are in the bottom two. Jessica’s a goner. Jessica: So sweet, so pretty, so commercial. It’s a money maker not a career maker. But she could be edgy. Raina: She can do romance and couture, but falls flat on edge. So who stays? Raina. Told you Jessica was a goner. Jessica and Raina hug her. Tyra tells her that she was excited to shoot Raina but it wasn’t there that day. She should love everything she models. Jessica is told what we all know: “Commercial” is the kiss of death. But she is told to prove the judges wrong.

Jessica cries as she thanks Tyra for the opportunity. She says she’s glad to go home to her family and she’s going to become a top model.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Next week: The final four are told there will be a double elimination next week. And then the final two will walk the runway…NEXT WEEK’S THE FINALE? WHAT?

So Jessica’s going home this week. Sorry to the person who voted her “America’s Next Top Model.” I am feeling a bit sad that it ends next week. But I’m still hoping for a Raina-Angelea walk off!

So, who will be America’s Next Top Model?

On My Glist: Glee’s Guest Stars!

Last week: I was fried and could barely think about doing anything but merely watching Glee. But Kristin Chenoweth rocked the episode in her return as April and Quinn had a nice moment with Mercedes before she made the episode with her rendition of Christina Aguilera’s “Beautiful.”

This week: Kurt’s discovered Sue Sylvester’s personal private video of her doing exercise to Olivia Newton-John’s “Physical.” The Gleeks decide to post it on YouTube, where it becomes an instant smash. Sue’s retribution is swift. She drags Will into the Principal’s office and reveals that there is a Glist—a weekly ranking of Who’s Hot and Who’s Not in Glee. Santana is at the top and Rachel is at the bottom. The Principal recalls other incidents at other schools that did not end well and demands that Will find the culprit immediately…

…So everyone immediately blames Puck. He denies it. Will asks him if he did it. Puck says that while he tends to light things on fire and beat people up, he is not a liar. Will tells them to ‘fess up and to not let the stress get to them. They are getting a bad reputation. Artie thinks it might be good for them. Will’s assignment is for them to find songs that have been given bad wraps over the years and find what made them good in the beginning. He proves this by making “Ice Ice Baby” seem cool. Almost, but our singing Snowman we haul out for Christmas wins that prize.

In the cafeteria, Sue realizes everyone is laughing at her. She tries to tell herself it is all in her imagination but she is slowly crescendo-ing into a panic attack. And then appears Molly Shannon, who says she recently transferred from Fort Wayne. She’s not allowed to teach in Illinois anymore due to her drug problem and her tendency to deal to her students. She calls Sue an “embarrassment.” And that’s coming from her.

Rachel wants to boost her reputation. She wants to dirty up her reputation and recruits Artie’s help since he’s in the AV club.

Kurt calls in Artie, Mercedes and Tina. They were not even on the Glist. Artie asks why Brittany is in the classroom. Turns out she decided to take all her cold medicines at once so she can’t do much except sit there. She’s also disappointed that she’s only number 4 on the list considering she’s the Barney of the school. She was even with the janitor! So, Kurt lets her in on their scandal—they are going to disrupt the library.

How bad.

Please note the sarcasm.

Meanwhile, Sue goes to visit someone she knows with Down Syndrome. A sister perhaps? She apologizes for not realizing how bad it is to be laughed at and for not protecting the woman. The woman triggers a memory…

But we cut to Emma, who is staring at Sue. She wants a therapist. Emma is a little uncomfortable. Sue says she has a degree in therapy and advises Emma. She tells her about her issues and about Will’s latest dalliances—AKA both the original stars of Wicked. Sue tells Emma to give it to Will…in public.

Puck wears a Phantom mask as Rachel tells him his reputation went up when they were dating. She asks him to help with her song choice, “Run, Joey, Run.” She’s play the heroine and he’ll play the hero. He asks if he kills her. He doesn’t. Puck says he doesn’t try to be bad and that he didn’t make the Glist. He and Rachel share a moment, but Rachel remembers Jesse. Puck tries to get her to “put out” but she puts the kabosh on that repeatedly.

Sue walks Emma to the teacher’s lounge. Sue is afraid of the laughter. Out pops Molly, taunting Sue. Sue calls her out and Molly agrees. Sue then pushes Emma to go get Will. She interrupts him consoling a teacher who was just widowed. “Nobody’s safe, nobody’s self.” She tells him about his little foray into Oz and Will’s surprised. Emma’s trying to work through her issues for him. But he’s a “slut.” She then offers her condolences to the teacher before walking off.

Meanwhile…oh Lord, they are doing “Can’t Touch This,” aren’t they? Anyway, Kurt, Mercedes, Artie, Tina and Brittany enter the library and before…”Can’t Touch This.” The librarian is surprised. I’m surprised no one else has burst out laughing, because I am. Meanwhile, Artie is really good. Okay, when you say “We out of here,” you should’ve left. The librarian loved their performance and is going to get them to perform at her church’s Sunday service. Backfire!

Will is trying to find the person who made the Glist. Now, he’s focusing on Finn. Before moving on to Mercedes. She explains she’s not angry, she’s sassy. Tina blames Puck. Puck defends his innocence, saying he’d be number one. Quinn blames Rachel but Will doesn’t believe it. Kurt believes Will’s been watching too much Law and Order. And he has to worry about his ranking. Artie says they’ll have to do something worse than Rachel’s personality—admit to posting the video. Kurt agrees.

Meanwhile, Sue confides to her journal that the video is a hit and she believes it’s karma. She gets a call—it’s Olivia Newton-John. Sue hangs up, believing it’s a hoax. She vows to be nicer when Olivia tries again. She convinces Sue it’s her. She heard her daughter Chloe (shout out?) laughing at something and it turns out it was Sue’s video. Olivia knows what it’s like to be a laughingstock. “Physical” had a music video that took the song down with it. I thought she meant Xanadu. Seriously, that was a train wreck. I thought the people who made “Phantom of the Paradise” had done too much acid until I saw “Xanadu.” Wow. Anyway, back to Olivia and Sue—collaboration time!

Will walks the hallways and has to deal with his philandering ways. Even Coach scolds him for it and Sue just walks by saying, “Slut.”

Artie tells Kurt not to scream if Sue hits him. And Sue approaches. Kurt meets her halfway. He admits to posting the video. She thanks him and he’s shocked. So they hit the internet. They find Olivia Newton-John and Sue Sylvester. Singing “Physical.” Only this time with ripped guys instead of the original overweight ones. The gang demands more.

We go back to Glee. Will is still focused on the Glist. If another goes up and says that the Principal will have the fate. Finn says the perp will not come forward and they’re going to have to take it. My money’s now on Jesse. Rachel plays her video, complete with Santana and Brittany as angels. Jesse, Finn and Quinn are surprised to see Puck in Rachel’s video. Except then it turns into Jesse. Before becoming Finn. I love Jonathan Groff’s face. Jesse, Puck and Finn are outraged. Finn thinks it was an attempt to improve her standings. Finn asks if her reputation is more important than her relationship. He and Jesse leave.

Sue is back with Jeanine. She praises Sue in the video. Sue praises her, saying she needed an attitude change. Sue flaunts her success in front of the teacher’s lounge. Sue is giving her half of the profits to the nursing home. They read a book together. It is adorable and fleshes out Sue’s character. I love these moments, when the show the bad guy is human.

Will brings flowers to Emma. Aww. That’s not going to make up for your romp with two Tony-winners. He apologizes. He doesn’t want to be that person. Emma can’t accept his apology. But she does mention the relationship working and thanks Will for the flowers. Will, as he leaves, focuses on Quinn. He questions her. He said he realized it when he felt what it was like to lose what you value—your significant other, your reputation. He tells Quinn that high school will end and she’ll do amazing things. His pep talk works. He tells the Principal that no one would cop to the Glist but that his point was made. The Glists stopped. The Principal agrees to call it a victory.

Jesse finds Rachel at her locker. He reveals he asked about her before dating her. He said that no matter her faults, they all said they trusted her. He says he should’ve been enough for her and she responds that she knew he’d break her heart. He says she broke his first. He tells her not to talk to him at ballet club.

Rachel, Jesse, Finn and Puck sing “Total Eclipse of the Heart.” We see Jesse and Rachel at ballet. Finn leaves. Puck leaves with Quinn, hand in hand. The others leave, Jesse is the last.

Next week: Rachel makes a list of her own, Puck shaves his head and Kurt and Brittany? She really does get around!

This was a great episode. And let me just say, for it’s first season “Glee” has managed to land first rate guest stars. From Josh Groban early on to Molly Shannon and Olivia Newton-John in this one, I am looking forward to the Joss Whedon-directed, Neil Patrick Harris-guest-starring episodes.

And maybe John Barrowman next season? Please? Producers?

And by the way, my money was still on Jesse. Is he still a double agent or not? (Okay, I missed the Madonna episode, so that may answer my question whenever I get a chance to sit down and watch it).

My Best Friend’s New Relationship

Future!Ted tells us how Don asks Robin to move in with him. She stutters that she needs to think about when Don clarifies he meant to move in on the couch. Robin says she still has to think about it. After a pause, she moves down. He sits down and then asks Robin to move in.

MacLaren’s! The gang tells Robin it might be too soon. Especially Barney. However, Ted is all for Robin moving out because he wants her to be happy. She thinks it’s because of the milk thing. You see, when Robin finishes the milk, she doesn’t throw the carton out. She puts it back in the fridge. So when a half-awake Ted tries to have cereal for breakfast, he gets nada. We see him place the empty carton in Robin’s bed as she proceeds to snuggle with it. Back at the bar, Robin says it’s her system—the empty carton reminds them they need milk. Ted says there’s the other system—a full carton to remind them they don’t. Barney, though, is still focused on Robin and Don and wants to meet Don. He thinks it’s strange he hasn’t yet. Robin sarcastically comments that it’s like someone’s carefully planned for it to be that way. But in the end, she agrees.

We cut to one of Barney’s stories about a Portuguese contortionist. Don likes Barney’s stories but feels bad for the woman who would actually date Barney. We freeze as Future!Ted says that was when he realized Robin never told Don about her relationship with Robin. The scene unfreezes as Barney comes over to extol everything he and Don have in common: a love of Scotch, the love of Barney’s stories and they loved Robin. The scene freezes as Future!Ted says that now, Don knew.

CREDITS!

We come back as Don tells Robin he’s uncomfortable with Robin being friends with Barney as her ex. She says it’s not weird and that’s like they never dated. They come back to the table as Barney finishes a story about a failed position. He says the last person to do that was Robin. She is very glad, then, to see Lily and Marshall and asks them about their weekend away—“or any other topic.” The two respond it was terrible. We cut to their rustic room, complete with twin beds. They are mad that they have to sleep in two separate beds. They climb in though, fall asleep and sleep for 18 hours. They missed their meals and Marshall lost 11 pounds.

Meanwhile, Don asks Ted if he thinks it’s weird that Robin is still friends with Barney. “I think it’s weird we’re all still friends with Barney,” Ted replies. Don says he doesn’t feel comfortable about Robin spending so much time with her ex. And the scene freezes as Future!Ted tells the bored children that that was when he realized Robin also never told Don about another one of her exes—Ted. Ted tries to play it that it’s not weird. Don asks if Ted would feel weird if one of his exes hung out with another guy. Ted focuses on Don’s use of the word “he” and he realizes Don thinks he’s gay. He wonders why. We side whoosh to: Ted being excited about calligraphy, Ted trying to tape Project Runway, and Ted’s culinary skills. Ted argues that he’s not gay but it’s only when Lily spills the beans that Ted is one of Robin’s exes does Don get it. But he’s also now uncomfortable with Robin being chummy with her exes, even so much as being roommates with one!

At the Casa Erikson, Marshall and Lily curl up for a good night’s sleep. Marshall notes how hot Lily is—and we’re talking actually body temperature, not sexual attractiveness here—while Lily notes how sharp Marshall’s toenails are. I sleep in my socks. No bare feet for me. Marshall really wants a sandwich but he can’t because after they got ants, no more eating in the bed. Lily worries about his drool before he starts scratching. Lily sits up and says they need twin beds. Marshall adds a mini-fridge and they have a deal.

The next day, Don comes to apologize to Ted and Barney. He says he was judgmental—“Still not gay”—and then invites the two over for dinner. They agree and Robin kisses him good-bye. After they leave, Barney tells Ted he must have Robin back. Dun dun dun!

Ted thinks Barney is kidding. But Barney wants Robin back. Ted compares Barney to a little kid who gives up a toy but wants it back the minute someone else starts playing with it. Barney argues that he just put it down for a second. Ted tells Barney he’s ready to read “The Letter.” Future!Ted tells us that “The Letter” is a device he used to remind himself why he broken up with somebody. We see him in college writing to Ted about Karen—look how well that worked out. We see him writing about some girl named Natalie and Stella. We see Ted and Barney after the break-up writing a letter to remind himself about why they broke up. We cut to him reading it. Mostly focused on “boobs.” It doesn’t work. Barney still wants Robin back.

Lily and Marshall enjoy their new twin beds and think they should just get a “sex bed.” Each bed would have a specific purpose. They try to high-five but are a little too far apart.

At Don’s, everyone gets ready for sushi. Barney still wants Robin back and Ted is still trying to tell him he doesn’t. Marshall notes that Don has twin beds. He doesn’t seem so thrilled saying that they led to his wife and he drifting apart. They ask him about a “sex bed.” He replies that yes, his wife had one—at her personal trainer’s house. Meanwhile, Barney has had some spicy sushi and can’t stand the spicy. They try to help him cool down but Don’s out of milk. He thanks Robin for the reminder.

Back at Ted’s, he and Barney go over how much of a disaster that was. Well, more like Ted does. Barney thinks it went well. Ted says that Barney doesn’t really want Robin back while Barney argues that Ted wants her back too. Ted goes to get a box labeled “For My Biographer,” which makes Barney laugh. He reads “The Letter.” His letter reveals that he does want Robin. Barney shares his booze.

Future!Ted says that he and Barney had a conversation about who wanted Robin more. Of course, this means it was a drunken argument where they realize she’s Don’s. They agree to get rid of him. Barney starts to panic as Ted comforts him. Meanwhile, Lily is worried Don’s fate will be hers and Marshall’s. Lily tries to get closer but Marshall tries to push her away. Even though Marshall lists off a bunch of Lily’s faults, they still get randy.

“Robin Stinson”

“Robin Mosby”

“Robin Stinson”

“Ted Scherbatsky.” That’s right, Ted would take her last name! And yes, they are still drunkenly arguing about this. Barney says they can share her—Barney gets her till she’s 40 and then Ted can have her. But they remember Don has her. Barney says he has to go to the bathroom. He calls Robin and uses a bad pick up line. Ted does the same thing. Robin tells Barney Ted is on the other line and Barney proceeds to fight. They sit on the couch with ice packs before running to get Robin back, including the Blue French Horn. Don invites them up, puts them on the couch because he and Robin need to work. Don turns on the TV, covers them and lets them go to sleep.

Lily and Marshall cuddle before he kicks her out of his bed. Lily dejectedly goes back to her bed.

“Rise and shine, jackasses!” Ted and Barney have the hangover from hell. They agree to let Don be apart of the group. Robin says he won’t be and neither will she. She needs to make it work with Don and can’t do that by hanging out with her ex-boyfriends. She’s moving in with Don. Meanwhile, Lily wakes up to find Marshall in her bed. At MacLaren’s, Ted says Robin hasn’t moved out yet. He and Barney agree to not do something like that again. Barney even wrote himself a letter. But Ted knows Barney and sees that Barney even wrote how it was a plan to throw off Ted.

At the apartment, Ted goes to yell at Robin about the milk—again—but her room is empty. There’s only the Blue French Horn.

*Tear*

NO! NOT ROBIN! I love Robin. She needs to be on the show as an anchor for Ted and Barney. What about her friendship with Lily? Otherwise, Drunk!Barney and Drunk!Ted’s fight was great.

Quote of the Episode:

“Ted’s not going to be around a lot. He’s following Cher around on tour.”