Baggage!

Future!Ted tells his kids that when you date in your 30s, everyone has baggage. For instance, one girl has “Still in love with ex” baggage.

CREDITS!

Ted talks about dating Royce in the Spring of 2010. He says it’s great except her baggage. Which he hasn’t discovered. Barney says that baggage is the cornerstone of the porn industry. Ted mentions that the one time he overlooked someone’s baggage was Stella. And let’s recap how that turned out: Ted proposed, Stella said yes, Stella left him standing at the altar for her ex. So, Ted’s a bit jaded. Marshall says he’s glad he doesn’t have any baggage. Lily: “Mother issues.” Ted: “Grandmother issues.” Barney: “Great-grandmother issues.” Robin: “You’re too nice.” Marshall isn’t sure how that last one counts. But Robin tells Marshall about how he walks down the street, saying hi to everyone. Reminds me of one of my parish priests. Except he’s not driving his motorbike into a ditch. As Barney tells about the best type of baggage before asking why they hang out with him.

That night, Ted tries to find Royce’s baggage. She says she worked in porn. A giant baggage appears next to her, until Royce explains it’s a charitable organization that helps inner-city kids. She then says she killed her brother—baggage appears—*sip* with a joke. She starts to tell it and as she sips her wine, a baggage appears saying: “Ted, wait for her to finish her sip.” By the night’s end, Ted could see no baggage with Royce.

Until she and Ted go to see a movie entitled “The Wedding Bride.” Which is a stupid title anyway. Seriously, “The Wedding Bride”? What other type of bride is there? Hello, writers, is that the best you can do? Look, I know “The Runaway Bride” was already taken but “The Wedding Bride”? REALLY?

Anyway, Ted panics when he realizes “The Wedding Bride” (snicker) was written by Stella’s ex-turned-husband. GASP!

At MacLaren’s, Lily and Marshall tell how they stopped so Dudley-Do-Right could help some people load their moving van. Except that the stuff they were loading didn’t belong to them. So Lily and Marshall had to explain why they were aiding in a crime to the police. Lily then laments to Robin that Marshall also gave the robbers a loan for gas and so that they could send them a check (like that’ll ever appear), he gave them their address. Lily considers the worst-case scenario. Lily says that Marshall’s mascot was a hug.

Ted comes in and says he saw “The Wedding Bride.” Marshall is excited about it, but tries to play it off. Robin asks what it is about. We see a clip from the film where “Jed Moseby” talks about being the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York before spilling hot coffee on himself. Man, that’s worse than TedMosebyIsAJerk.com. Ted answers that it’s about him.

Marshall asks if Ted’s sure. Ted is. Robin wonders why Tony would write the story of his and Stella’s wedding when Tony was the bad guy. We see Jed Moseby, played by Chris Kattan, act like a jerk to his beautiful fiancee Stella. He does mention the time Ted wanted Stella to move from Jersey to New York, but as we all know, Ted caved on that. Movie!Stella wanted to go cake tasting. As we all know, Stella and Ted stole her cousin’s wedding when the couple broke up right before the nuptials. We see “Jed” laughing and then falling down. Marshall can’t believe that passes for comedy and imitates it. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Robin is not even in it. Ted tells how Movie!Tony is both hot and a hero. We saw Ted and Stella’s real proposal. In the movie, Jed just proposes to shut Movie!Stella up. We see the two minute day. The movie: What’s up with the “no can dos-ville.”

Then we get the ending…Hey, it’s the dad from “Even Stevens” and the reverend from “Secret Life of an American Teenager.” Anyway, Stella and Jed are at the altar (which they never went to a church) when Tony comes in, saying she needs to marry him. There’s a whole long spiel worthy of a chick flick. And Stella and Tony live happily ever after. With no daughter, apparently. At the end, Royce praises it and Ted realizes he comes with baggage: left at the altar. He wants to put the movie behind him, even though it’s the 5th top grossing movie of all time.

So of course, the entire gang goes to see it.

At MacLaren’s, Royce and this couple she and Ted are on a date with heap praises on “The Wedding Bride” and state they are going to see it again. Ted…looks less than thrilled. Royce says there’s only one flaw—besides the title, Royce? She says she doesn’t know why Stella fell in love with the jerk in the first place. Ted has a nervous breakdown before saying that the movie sucked and they are all stupid for liking it. Ted leaves.

Marshall and Lily are surprised that Ted used Jed’s catchphrase. Ted decides to move to a country where no one has seen the movie. Robin says every country has seen the movie. Marshall says he’s nice because he doesn’t care about someone else’s baggage. And he says Ted taught him to be that way—a guy who was uncynical and saw the best in everyone. Marshall gives Ted a pep talk to chase after Royce. She’s watching “The Wedding Bride.” As Movie!Tony runs for Movie!Stella, we see Ted run for Royce. He finds her…and Barney…at the movie. Ted tells her about Stella and how he is Jed Mosely, but without the jerk attitude. Ted promises her to make her pancakes, while Royce agrees. Barney chants “Kiss him!” (except he didn’t say “kiss” and got ejected from the movie). Royce kisses Ted as Movie!Tony and Movie!Stella kiss behind him.

They leave the theater and he tells Royce that he’s still getting over what Stella did to him. Royce offers to help and picks up his “left at the altar baggage.” Future!Ted fortune cookies about how it is easier to carry your baggage when you let someone help you.

Tag: Ted discovers Royce’s baggage. She’s been left at the altar! Thrice! The last time was because of her gambling addiction! So now she shares an apartment with her brother! A studio apartment where they share a bed! Ted tells her she has to go.

A good episode, particularly with the movie. It was great to see how Tony twisted the truth to suit his needs. And Chris Kattan plays a jerk so well! The relationship with Royce seemed sweet and I wish they would let one of Ted’s girlfriends stay for more than one episode. Please? Ted hasn’t had a long term relationship with Stella. He took the leap last year, give him the chance to try a long relationship.

Am still wondering about the fallout from Marshall’s Dudley-Do-Right deed gone wrong.

Quote of the Episode:

“There is only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a giant yellow bird lives on it.” –Barney about Marshall’s niceness.