Our House, In the Middle of The Street…

Oh look, Jennifer Lopez and her newest leading man, Alex O’Loughlin.

Future!Ted tells his kids he is going to reveal the moment he made a decision that would change his life forever. It starts with a visit from Mommy Dearest and her boyfriend, Clint. Who tells Ted how erotic his mother is. Eww. Clint goes on about being born and being nursed as sexual. Mommy Dearest can’t believe she’s with him—that he picked her. Ted’s happy she’s happy. Clint says they have an announcement. They hug him and Cliff calls Ted “Son.”

CREDITS!

At MacLaren’s, Future!Ted says that his own mother had lapped him—getting married for a second time before he was married once. He’s so happy—so happy he’s chugging his celebratory beer. But he figures the wedding might be the place he meets his future wife. Cut to Ted dancing with an older lady talking about the merits of proper preservation. The gang congratulates Mommy Dearest. Clint gives Ted a very erotic painting of Mommy Dearest and Clint riding a horse. Naked. With a guitar. Actually, without a guitar. That’s just conveniently placed. Meanwhile, Clint sings a song to Mommy Dearest about her—an erotic one. Ted zones out while Robin cries. Barney has to tell the gang. And then goes to tell “Aunt Meredith.” Ted gets bombarded by “When’s your wedding?” before Barney runs after Ted’s sister Heather. Oh, no Erin Cahill? Ted leaves.

And isn’t spotted for the next 72 hours. The gang is concerned. Robin says Mommy Dearest keeps calling. Barney comes back and says there is no pretzels. So he brings back a stack of napkins because he knows how emotional Robin can get. She’s like “Ha, ha. So I got emotional.” That’s when Ted enters MacLaren’s and invites the guys on a trip. As they sit in the car, Marshall asks if Ted will let someone who isn’t have a maniac episode drive the car. Lily agrees. I currently have the episode paused (since I had to DVR it) and the smirk on Neil Patrick Harris’ face is great. Lily wants to know where they are going.

Ted tells them that he left the wedding, went back to his hotel room and went to one of his favorite websites. The gang immediately assumes the worse because The Internet is for Porn (as per Avenue Q) and Ted’s like “Not that!” It is his favorite real estate auction site. Ted bought his dream house. And it’s a complete wreck. Complete with rats!

J. Lo and Alex introduce a clip of their new movie. And it’s more of blip. As they figure out the problem, they throw it back to HIMYM!

Lily wants to know what Ted meant. Ted explains he put down a bid, won and signed the paperwork. Ted thinks this room would be dad’s study, kids can come in but no toys. Lily says that it’ll take years and a small fortune to make the house livable. Ted says he’s an architect and can do it. He’ll be finished in time for him and the Missus to move in. The gang all look around like they expect one of his Random Skanks to pop out. Ted says that he may not have found Mrs. Moseby yet, but he will. The gang argues that it is the stupidest thing any of them has ever done.

Marshall leaps to his friend’s defense and says they’ve all done some stupid things. He says he remembers a time he dropped some bottle rockets in the toilet and then decided to dry them off in the microwave. Robin wonders how drunk he had to be while Barney argues that he had to be a child. Marshall makes up a new game: Drunk or kid. He takes a vote, gets a drumroll and reveals he was drunk. Lily and Robin high five while Barney says he’s glad Robin won so she wouldn’t cry. He mentions she cried at Clint’s song. But Robin gives up and reveals that it was Barney. He pays her $500 to say it was her that cried. And then he told them it was Robin. The inspector comes in and the gang is surprised he’s getting it down now. Marshall reminds them he once tried to ride a bike a ladder down a two-story house. Drunk or kid? He was a kid! Mom thought he was dead—but he was just in a coma.

Ted then brings them out to his deck, where he will barbecue every Sunday. He bought his house and it’s not a mistake. Marshall agrees. He drove his brother’s car the wrong way down I-94. Drunk or Kid? He was a kid. The women are winning. The inspector says Ted has a leak and a pond in a basement drowning the rats. The others are heading their way. Lily says that he should’ve found the problems before he bought. Ted says that Marshall knew Lily was The One from their freshmen year. What if someone had been there to make him second guess that? We get a cut scene of the inspector going over all of Lily’s flaws.

Lily and Marshall agree it was a good thing before Barney bursts out that Robin was the one who cried at Clint’s song. He says that ten minutes prior, Robin asked him to take the wrap because she couldn’t stand the jokes anymore. He agrees. Robin wonders why they broke up, she praises him and the gang knows he’s lying. The inspector comes back and has a whole litany of things wrong with the house, including a hobo, with just the first floor. He advises Ted not to buy it and that they leave. Ted asks “What if I already bought this son of a bitch?” The inspector goes upstairs and laughs.

The gang encouraged Ted to give it up but he says he can envision what the house can be. And then the inspector falls through the ceiling.

Paramedics wheel the inspector out while Lily adds the new hole to his report. Ted finally agrees that it’s bad. It’s just everyone moved on. Lily and Marshall got their own place. Robin is getting serious with Don. Barney got a new tie. And is glad he noticed. Ted’s in the same place he was five years ago and is sick of it. So is the audience, Ted, so is the audience. He wants the life that the house represents. The gang understands. Barney says everyone makes mistakes, like Mommy Dearest. Barney says he’s always been fond of Mommy Dearest—does he want to bang the entire Moseby female population? Ted seems to know where this is going. But Barney continues that he Mommy Dearest had a moment in 2006 BC—Before Clint. Barney wanted to be Ted’s step-father. That’s why he cried at Clint’s song, because he got Mommy Dearest.

We cut to Barney and Mommy Dearest in a car. Wait, when did Barney get his license? They enjoy a song and share a kiss. Then she compliments it and the gang knows he’s lying. But Barney says everything before that point is true. Mommy Dearest is a cougar. But Robin thought cougars couldn’t be over 50. So Barney amends her to Mellencamp. Ted wonders what to do with his mistake. Lily tells him to take a sledgehammer to it. And the entire gang does before toasting Ted. He then leaves and Future!Ted says his friends didn’t see him for another 72 hours. They realize he was their ride.

Ted ends up on Clint and Mommy Dearest’s doorstep to apologize for running off. He gives them his toast. Mommy Dearest thanks Ted, though she’s so baked she doesn’t know if he’s really there. She and Clint hug Ted and Clint releases the puff he’s been holding in. Future!Ted says that marrying Clint was the best decision their grandmother ever made. And he learned that the best decisions are not the expected or logical ones.

Ted returns to his house and finds Marshall there, grilling. Marshall reveals that Robin told him where Ted would be. Marshall says he knows Ted will keep the house as his heart is both drunk and a kid. Ted explains his vision for the house as Future!Ted reveals time is magical. That a stupid decision can be turned into something else. As this goes on, we see the wall get patched up, redone, the room furnished as Future!Ted reveals as the children appear that that house is their house.

Tag: None. Aww.

That was pretty good. It developed Ted without making him seem like a douche like most Ted-centric episodes seem too.

Exchange of the Episode:

“And was the Blair Witch easy to bargain with or did she haggle over the house?”

“Don’t even joke about that, man.” –Barney and Marshall about Ted’s house.