Long Live Saturday Night!

John Lithgow returns to How I Met Your Mother! This is so epic, I have to go back to my old recapping style!

We start on my home borough, Staten Island, in 1983. John Lithgow in a wig and clothes that the 70’s would like returned talks to a young Barney. He tells the kid that Loretta doesn’t want John hanging around Barney anymore. Barney is upset but John leaves him with some parting words—a magician’s best friend is a drunk audience and to never stop partying. Future!Ted says that young Barney watched his father walk out of his life and in 2011, he walked away from John.

Barney enters Ted’s apartment and says he cannot believe his father. He then dares the others to guess who just called him. They guess his father. Apparently John called to invite Barney on a fishing trip with JJ. He can’t believe his dad would do something so lame. He decides to invite John into the city and remind him of his old partying ways. He needs to find friends who can help him, but settles for the others.

At MacLaren’s, Barney reveals he prepared other personalities for them. Lily and Marshall were in an open marriage, with Marshall as an unemployed playwright. Lily decides to be Meryl Streep in the “Devil Wears Prada.” Ted is given a stack of cards regarding things he cannot talk about. He is also still dating Robin so that John won’t push Barney to marry Robin, though she was the best thing to ever happen to him. John shows up and the others try to put on their new personalities. Barney interrupts them to tell John the truth—they are also a band!

And what follows was possibly the highlight of the season. I started applauding at this moment.

Our five main characters pick up instruments and sing the opening song.

Bravo!

Barney decides to bring John to a club. They proceed to have a “Who’s on First?” style routine with club names, which even John lampshades. They end up at one bar, where Robin runs into her secret crush. They had met a few years earlier at a sale, where he asked her opinion. She thoroughly trashed the shirt before he reveals he was asking about the pants. Robin wonders if he remembers her and the answer is yes, he does. They flirt a bit before Ted swoops in to claim he is Robin’s boyfriend. He says Robin can thank him later.

At their booth, Lily and Marshall start a game of one-up-man-ship. The first person to get five numbers gets to have sex with the loser in the bathroom. Meanwhile, Barney eggs John on to be the old partying monster he used to be. So, John chugs five shots in a row. He and Barney leave to have a night out on the town while the others remained in the bar. Ted remembers that Robin met the man when he bought his red cowboy boots—OHMIGOD, REMEMBER THOSE FUGLY THINGS? Not only do we get the gang singing the theme song, but we get a visit from the Continuity Fairy? I thought it was almost Easter, not Christmas!

Ted and Robin have a conversation about Mystery Man, but Ted turns it around to pretend they are engaged—further discouraging Mystery Man. Robin calls Ted out on his jealousy, recalling why Ted bought the fugly red boots. Apparently, even he thought they were fugly. However, a pretty blonde salesclerk tells him they would be fantastic on him. So he bought them. So, he had no right to be jealous of Robin and the Mystery Man.

And someone won the Lily-Marshall contest. Does it matter who? They had sex in the bathroom. Everyone won in that contest.

Meanwhile, Barney and John are having a wild night!  There’s drunken tripping, fights and John throwing up on a police car. As they sit on the curb in handcuffs, John reveals he’s not drunk. He reminds Barney of a magician’s best friend: A drunk audience. Which Barney certainly was. He didn’t notice his father pretending to knock the shots back. Or that the “fight” John picked was with a mannequin. And that Barney was the one who threw up on the police car.

Both Barney and John realize they are screwed. And John won’t make his fishing trip with JJ. Barney reveals that he’s an awesome magician as well and gets them out. They run down the street before John remembers he is a driving instructor. He calls up one of his city students and has her drive him back to White Plains. Because I guess the Metro North doesn’t run all night long? And looking up the schedule, it doesn’t run all night long. There is a three hour gap—between about 2:30 and 5:30 AM. But the 5:30 train would have John home by a quarter after six. Though driving isn’t a bad option, but I have to wonder—do the writers realize how CLOSE White Plains really is to New York City, especially late at night with no traffic? There’s also the fact that New York laws prohibit drivers from tolled roads and they would most likely have to take at least one to get to White Plains.

Anyway, they get there on time and Barney realizes that it’s time to stop his partying ways. John tells him that it’s a scary thing, but it’s the next step. Once Barney finds the right woman, he’ll see. Barney wonders aloud if he already met the right woman. Bets on whether he meant Robin or Nora! Place your bets here!

Back in New York, the gang goes home. Ted apologizes to Robin about how he acted around Mystery Crush. Robin says she probably missed her chance anyway and won’t see him again. Meanwhile, the man is talking on a cell phone saying he missed his chance with his Mystery Crush (Robin). Future!Ted says the two will meet, but that’s another story.

Tag: Barney, in his suit, sits with JJ and John fishing. “This is boring,” he declares.

Quote of the Episode

"Are you sure? I feel we collectively learn the opposite at least once a year." --Ted