BREASTS, SEX and DEATH!

Last season on “The Secret Life of the American Teenager”: Nice girl Amy discovered she was pregnant at the age of fifteen, fathered by the school manwhore Ricky. Meanwhile, she fell in love with good boy Ben, whose friends Henry and Alice had sex issues of their own. Good Christian girl Grace started the season dating Jack, dumped him when she caught him with bad girl school slut Adrian, dated Ricky and then somehow ended up back together with Jack and best friends with Adrian. Adrian and Ricky yo-yoed between each other, with a side dalliance of her step-brother. Grace’s brother tried to marry his sweetheart, sending Josie Bisset and John Schneider into panic mode. Amy’s parents split up and sister Ashley moved in with her dad. In the end, Amy gave birth to a baby boy named John and Mr. Molina is still the sanest character on this show despite being married to a pregnant nutcase.

Phew.

We start this second summer season with Amy trying to balance motherhood, student life and making herself dinner. Ashley comes over just to taunt her it seems before leaving. Molly Ringwald enters and Amy pretty much calls her mother fat. Turns out, Molly’s not fat—she’s preggers! (In real life too). Amy’s a bit upset because, well, the one person she should be able to lean on is now in the same boat as she. They argue before we segue into…

Amy’s Dad’s house, where Mimsy is staying over. They comment on how Molly is obviously pregnant and Mimsy tells him to warn Amy about how she’s dressing. She says she remembers conceiving Molly after the end of World War II, though we all know Molly isn’t THAT old. Mimsy excitedly leaves with the hot bus driver, after declaring she likes Amy’s Dad’s house better.

Next, Ben seems to be going on about breasts. Running theme, it seems. Apparently, the Sausage King found a new girl of his own. But Ben’s freaking out and Henry and Alice are not helping. Henry ribs his girlfriend who leaves as we learn that the Sausage King’s girl is…

JENNIFER COOLIDGE? Tom’s prostitute “friend” from last season? She tells Sausage King that she’s a court report and they’re just cute. Even if she’s a prostitute.

Meanwhile, Adrian’s mom and dad are getting closer, which leaves Ricky and Adrian without a place to have sex. They are trying to work it out when Adrian gets another call. It’s Grace, announcing she’s having sex with Jack and Adrian tries to talk her out of it.

When did Grace and Adrian switch personalities?

We come back to Ricky bringing Molly something other than soup. He quiets John so that Amy can berate her mom about the baby. When did this world go topsy-turvy? Ricky’s excited to hear about the baby, but Amy’s not. She actually has realistic concerns that Molly clearly can’t believe that her teenage daughter is smarter than she.

Meanwhile, Adrian goes to stop Grace’s planned night with Jack. Remember every conversation Grace and Adrian had last season? Flip it! You have that scene.

Meanwhile, Amy’s Dad and Ashley end up at the same restaurant as the Sausage King and Jennifer Coolidge. They talk and Ashley recognizes Jennifer for what she is—a prostitute. She even proves it when Ashley tells her the baby’s name is John and she mistakes it for…well, you know. Meanwhile, David (Molly’s boyfriend) walks in and Amy’s Dad spills the beans about the pregnancy. David is shocked to say the least and wonders if the baby is really Amy’s Dad. He replies, “Nope, I’ve been neutered.” And I do recall something to that affect being uttered by Molly last season. Mazel tov, David!

Ben stops by, which Ashley told us in the last scene he does whenever Ricky is there. Ben wonders if John will be moved into the nursery because he’s uncomfortable with Ricky in Amy’s room. Ben smells the steak and worries that Ricky is trying to worm his way into Molly’s heart. And then Amy catches him staring at her breasts, he comments that she’s showing too much than asks for sex. Ricky enters and excuses himself quickly. Amy reminds Ben she just had a baby and goes to thank Ricky for helping with John. He offers to stay but Ben replies he’ll be doing that. Amy calls time out on the alpha male fight. Ricky leaves and the baby cries.

David calls Molly, clearly schnockered. He asks if he can come over and then asks if she’s pregnant. Molly can hear the booze in his voice. Molly’s surprised when he replies that Amy’s Dad will give him a ride.

It seems John Schneider is going to a third world country on another physician’s jet plane. Tom thinks that’s unfair but then spills the beans about his sister’s plans with Jack. Josie doesn’t believe him and calls Grace. Apparently, she and John are fighting. She hangs up with her mother and there’s Jack, in naught but his boxers. He confirms that she wants to do this and we fade to black.

Ricky goes to visit Adrian, much to dad’s displeasure. She and Dad argue and Ricky leaves because he suddenly has no urge to have sex with Adrian. Ricky wonders why dad’s so concerned when he (Ricky) knows more about Adrian and claims to be a better father than he. He hypotheses that dad blew the proposal and that’s why he wasn’t allowed to be in Adrian’s mother. When did the teens get wiser than the adults on this program? Hello?

The Sausage King wakes his son up to tell him he’s in love. Will someone tell him what Jennifer Coolidge really does? Please? He warns Ben so that he won’t be surprised when he sees Jennifer at the breakfast table and then asks Ben for a condom. Ben has a whole drawer full. The King takes two.

Amy’s Dad and Ashley are surprised to find Molly asleep on his kitchen table. She sends Ashley to bed and then denies she’s pregnant. She makes sure that his vasectomy worked. He says ten years should be proof enough. He then offers his bed so that she can get some rest and volunteers to go help Amy with the baby. He congratulates his soon-to-be ex, who is still reeling from shcok.

Jack is getting dressed and asks if Grace is okay. She’s a bit…surprised. So’s he…turns out she’s the aggressor. They both liked sex. Wait, did Jack go all the way with Adrian…I thought they only had oral…I’m confused. Anyway, Jack makes sure that Grace is fine emotionally. Aww, he’s so sweet for a sixteen years-old. He even proposes—when they turn 18, of course. None of this Ben and Amy not-marriage. Jack comes down to discover a distraught Josie Bisset. OH GOD THEY KILLED JOHN SCHNEIDER! Dear John, Stop taking roles where you die! Love, Me and my sister.

We come back to a happy John, a clean kitchen, a tire Amy’s Dad and an impressed Amy. Dad implores his daughter to be nice to her mother now that she’s pregnant, reminding her of what’s been thrown in our face all episode: the roles are now reversed. I think now that John Schneider was killed off, Amy’s Dad is now one of my favorite characters—along with Mr. Molina. Anyway, Amy’s Dad says that there is bad news. She goes straight to Ashley, but is comforted. We cut to Ricky knocking on Adrian’s door. He asks if she’s seen the news and she replies she hasn’t. He tells her there was a plane crash and she worries immediately about her mother. Once assured mom’s fine, she jumps to terrorist attack. Once assured the nation’s fine, he tells her that it was a private jet. She puts two and two together as we go straight to the Sausage Royal Castle. Ben thinks dad struck out with Jennifer Coolidge, but the King tells his Prince there’s bad news. He immediately asks about Amy and John and is soothed to know it isn’t them.

We finish with Tom trying to comfort his distraught mother, saying he’ll be the man of the family and take care of Josie. She wonders who will take care of Grace, who is crying uncontrollably on her bed. My sister thought that’s when Adrian comes in, I had money on Jack but instead it’s…the credits.

Coming Up This Season: Amy and Ben have difficulties, Molly adjusts to being pregnant, Grace and Jack have problems.

So, what’s up with this season? Isn’t it like we stepped into the Twilight Zone, particularly with Adrian and Grace? And why kill of John Schneider? It’s a bit dramatic, isn’t it? Have sex and your dad perishes in a plane crash! And why can’t I stop the niggling feeling that Schneider really isn’t dead?