Bah Humbug—In 3-D!

It’s never Christmas until someone puts out a new version of “A Christmas Carol.”

This year, the Walt Disney Company gives another go at the classic Dickens tale—after “Mickey’s A Christmas Carol” and “A Muppet Christmas Carol.” They have teamed up with Robert Zemeckis again, the first time since “Who Framed Roger Rabbit?”, and utilize the innovative animation used for the classic “The Polar Express.”

This go-around, miser Ebenezer Scrooge is played by Jim Carrey at all ages. On Christmas Eve, he is haunted by the specter of his old partner Jacob Marley (Gary Oldman), who warns Scrooge that his after death fate is a bleak one. Scrooge is then visited by three spirits (all played by Carrey) who show him visions of Christmases past, present and future. It shouldn’t be much of a spoiler by now to reveal that in the end, Scrooge changes his ways and becomes a better person because of his encounters.

It was a bit jarring to hear that a funny man such as Jim Carrey would be taking on Ebenezer Scrooge, but he does the role justice. My father believed he modeled some of Scrooge’s speech patterns on Alastair Sims, oft considered the epitome of Scrooges. He also did a wonderful job as the various ghosts, particularly the whispery tones he took for the Ghost of Christmas Past. In a change of events, the Ghost of Christmas Yet-to-Be wasn’t the most frightening specter in the movie. That honor belongs to Marley and the gaggle of ghosts bearing his fate that Scrooge sees from his window. Oldman’s voice is adds a layer of creepiness, though he does tender as well in his other roles as Bob Crachit and Tiny Tim.

If there is one flaw, it is that the story is a bit rushed. The spirits do not dwell long and scenes are cut short. Belle (voiced by Robin Wright Penn) is hurried from a wordless dance to her breaking the engagement with Scrooge. The scenes at the Crachit household was also unusually short, not allowing for much with Tiny Tim.

This is an admirable addition to the litany of “A Christmas Carol” adaptations that exist. It may not be suitable for young children and parents should use caution for some intense scenes. Otherwise, go see it!

(Especially in 3-D)

Do Networks Learn NOTHING?

Really, do they? I know they aren’t blind to their competitors, so why make the same stupid mistakes?

Why, when a network has a hot show with a massive following, do they put the show on hiatus for MONTHS? Haven’t they learned that KILLS the momentum? Like with Heroes? Chuck? Jericho? Now, FOX is doing that with Glee.

Now, I understand that American Idol is a ratings juggernaut even though only two of their winners have become viable stars and cut contestants have become bigger than the ones America supposedly wanted. But FOX had a big hit with House and it was usurped by AI. But only for about a month. It returned, sometimes on a new night and/or time, sometime in late February. Why, then, would FOX not do the same thing with Glee? If they want the lead-in, why wait till April 13th to restart episodes on a new night and time?

And honesty, does Glee really need AI? I don't think so, but I also would love to see AI disappear from the schedule.

Hopefully, this does not kill the Glee momentum. But it is enough time for fans to get distracted and lose interest. And then the network has no one to blame but themselves because they kill their own ratings.

The Title Says It All…

Tonight’s “How I Met Your Mother” is entitled “Slapsgiving: Revenge of the Slap.” When anyone asks what episodes they should watch to get a taste of “How I Met Your Mother,” I immediately say “Slap Bet” and “Slapsgiving.” Here’s hoping this rounds out a trilogy!

Future!Ted tells us that Lily and Marshall hosted Thanskgiving for the first time in their new apartment. Marshall even found the perfect turkey…and left it in the cab. He’s upset as Robin and Ted come. They bring a turkey, but it isn’t any turkey! They went down to the Port Authority lost and found and recovered Marshall’s turkey. He’s so happy, he bequeaths his fourth slap to them. Ted and Robin gasp. Future!Ted recounts “Slap Bet” and “Slapsgiving.” If you don’t know them, go watch them.

Ted and Robin are flattered. Barney argues that slaps are non-transferable. Slap Bet Commissioner Lily says they are. Marshall lays down some ground rules. Rules: 1. Slap must occur before sundown so as not to interfere with the dinner. 2. Robin and Ted must decide who gets to dole said slap. And 3. Said slap must take place while Barney is tied to a chair forever known as “The Slapping Throne.”

They have settled in for the perfect Thanksgiving when a knock comes to the door. Confused, Lily opens the door to see her father. Who she hasn’t talked to in three years.

Credits.

Lily's relationship with her father has always been strained. His dream has been to invent the next big games but failed. With titles like “Car Battery” and “There’s a Demon Clown Under My Bed,” I can see why. Lily’s child is filled with disappointments—Dad missed gymnastic meets, ballet recitals, etc. Finally, three years ago, Lily goes to visit her grandparents. They’ve had to cancel their move to Florida and her grandfather has gone back to work because Lily’s dad has moved in after his roommate kicked him out. The bastard actually wanted rent! This moves Lily to get red, fiery eyes and give her father what Future!Ted calls “The You’re Dead to Me” face. It’s scary.

In the future, Lily slams the door in Dad’s face as he offers to play “Diseases.”

Lily orders Marshall to get rid of Dad. He tells him to hang tight. Meanwhile, Barney is getting a complex trying to figure out who will slap him. Marshall tells Lily that he has supported her when the neighbor, her bridesmaid Whitney and the guy who runs the Bagoda downstairs was dead to her. But he can’t support it when it’s her father. Marshall can’t turn away Dad. Lily tells him to tell Dad that he’s needed here and he’ll disappear.

Meanwhile, Robin and Ted debate over who should slap Barney. Finally, Robin decides to take it. Ted says he was just being nice. Now they are fighting over the right. Barney enjoys it. Back in their room, Lily comments on how “ridiculously close” the Eriksen family is. Marshall still attends their family dinners via webcast. Lily tells him Dad will never be allowed in. Marshall keeps him in the hallway. Barney moderates Ted and Robin’s fight. It comes back to Robin sleeping with Barney and admits it’s because he loves her. Robin realizes this is a lie just to be allowed to slap Barney. Marshall tries to advocate for Dad and has to reveal that he met Dad for a drink. Dad reveals he wrote a toast for the wedding but wasn’t invited. Marshall breaks down crying (claims Dad was) and invites Dad to dinner.

Marshall lets Dad into the apartment. Lily leaves.

Robin, Ted and Marshall play “Diseases” with Dad. Barney continues drinking while Robin and Ted continue to argue over the slap. Ted stops it when he reminds them the slap was a gift and it’s now a curse. Robin agrees and gives it to Ted. He puts Barney in the Slapping Throne. Barney tries to appeal to Robin, that all she wants is a strong man to take care of her and she does want a wedding. Robin goes for a slap but Dad’s game explodes. Marshall freaks out when he realizes dinner is ruined. He tries to give Dad the “You’re Dead to Me Look” but just looks constipated. Even Dad agrees that Lily is better.

Marshall finds Lily in the Bagoda. He apologizes but Lily reveals that Mr. Park (the Bagoda owner) is really dead. So she goes to apologize to her dad. Marshall puts Barney in the Slapping Throne. Robin gives it to Ted because he’s bounced back from being left at the altar and losing his job. Ted warms up and then gives it to Robin, even though she and Barney left it on good terms. Robin warms up and gives the slap to Dad. Dad warms up and says he can’t. He gives it to Lily. Barney argues the Slap Bet Commissioner should be impartial. Slap Bet Commissioner says she can, but she can’t. Marshall says the slap has brought them together, like he intended. He says there will be no slap and unties Barney. As Barney celebrates, Marshall slaps him and declares “That’s four!”

Bravo, show. Bravo.

There is a game called “Slap Bet.” We kids playing the game with Grandmother as “You Just Got Slapped” plays in the background. It’s an awesome game and I wish it were real.

Disclaimer: No kids were actually slapped in the making of this commercial. Kids, slapping someone is a dangerous activity and should not be done.

New Yorker Moment:

“Why didn’t I listen to the voice of former Mayor Ed Koch and remember to take all my things?”—Marshall, mourning the lost of his turkey.

So wasn’t that legend…I really liked Chris Elliot as Dad and Neil Patrick Harris is always great when Barney’s about to be slapped.

…dary.

HAPPY THANKSSLAPSGIVING EVERYBODY!

I’m a Dork and I’m America’s Next Top Model!

Last time on America’s Next Top Model: After a cycle of petite models and laptop woes, Tyra decided had her Final Four. After a hip-hop-hula challenge and a photoshoot featuring the girls as Pele, Tyra skipped the Top Three scenario. She eliminated Erin and Jennifer, leaving Laura and Nicole to stomp it out. Go Nicole!

Wanna be on top?

Laura and Nicole celebrate being in the Top Two. Laura reminds us she is from a small town as we see pictures of little Laura and her family. Nicole is amazed she could be America’s Next Top Model since she’s so awkward. They jump into the pool. Laura reminds us that she’s dyslexic and Nicole takes us on her self-discovery journal. She feels that Laura is a threat and picks up her game. Laura is worried about Nicole’s photos, not her personality.

TYRA MAIL! “If a model fall in the forest, will anybody hear it?” The girls are also given scripts and told to memorize their lines. Final Cover Girl commercial time! Laura worries about memorization. Nicole feels this is her advantage—she isn’t as stressed!

The girls meet Mr. Jay. Wonder if Tyra gives him a call in advance to tell him the finalists? Anyway, Teyona comes back to help the girls shill for LashBlast. They are too sophisticated and glamorous friends hiking. Nicole talks to Teyona, revealing she uses the product. Nigel will be taking their print photos. Nigel shoots Nicole first. He loved her. Meanwhile, Laura goes onscreen. She stumbles through the script and her frustration shows on her face.

HAWAII! Laura hesitates a bit on Take 8, but it was the best. Mr. Jay praises the fact that she keeps picking up her energy, not matter the stumbling blocks. Mr. Jay and the director like Take 11. Nicole goes to the camera. As Nicole stumbles, Nigel shoots Laura. Nigel asks what she is thinking. She replies: Milkshakes and baby cats. Nigel isn’t impressed. Nicole is still trying to nail her take. He says she’s acting snotty, which Nicole tries to overcome.

Nicole and Laura talk about how she comes off. Nicole thinks it’s because she’s shy, Laura thinks it’s because she enunciates. Ann Shoket shows up to shoot the Seventeen cover. She takes them to hair and make-up. They brought back Gilles Bensimon! Bonjour, Gilles! He takes Laura’s shots first. She wants to impress him. Nicole is next. Ann says she is a Seventeen girl. Ann is impressed with both.

TYRA MAIL! “By now you should know all the elements that make a top model. Bring it to the runway and work!” Final runway time! Hopefully, it’s not urple (Cycle 11) or muddy (Cycle 12). The girls are nervous and remain aloof from each other.

HAWAII! Nicole practices her walk, but she is working on her feelings because that’s important. Laura practices her walk too. Tyra visits the girls. Time for some one-on-one. Nicole is first. She talks about being awkward and isolated and shy. She says she used to sit in the bathroom stall to eat her lunch so the others wouldn’t see her eating alone. She says she misses her family and we see pictures. Laura is next. Once again, Laura is from a small town. Have you gotten that yet? Tyra asks about Laura’s grandmother and Laura breaks down. Tyra gets to be Oprah for a bit.

HAWAII! The Top Model buses bring the girls to meet with Mr. Jay and Ms. J. Erin, Brittany, Sundai and Jennifer are brought back to also walk in the runway—the first time the show has brought back eliminated contestants to do so. They go to hair and makeup for the Julia Clancey show. And Julia shows up to meet the girls. Teyona and Bria Murphy (Eddie Murphy’s daughter) are there. Erin, Jennifer and Sundai hope for Laura while Brittany takes the high road and is diplomatic. They add more glitter then cue the music. The runway lights up…

The judges are in the audience, along with Ann Shoket. They have a volcano. Teyona goes first as we read “Element: Fire.” Nicole goes up and I’m not sure about her walk. But she does the Barbie toes! Laura goes next. She says she’s shaking. Doesn’t show on camera. We see Sundai as Nicole goes to change. Laura changes as well. What is Ms. J wearing? Nicole goes as we read “Element: Wind.” Ms. J applauds. She works it. Laura is next, looking like a ghost. Ghost brides was Cycle 7, honey. We see the other girls, including Teyona. Next change! All six will pose at the end. Nicole goes as we read “Element: Water.” They even cued the sprinkler system. Nicole pulls off wet pretty well, as does Laura. All six pose in the water with the girls going down so Nicole and Laura remain upright. Julia takes her bow as the girls hug backstage. Tyra even lets the wet girls hug her. She praises them. Then hugs them again. And sing-songs her way out. The girls are nervous for panel.

We cut from the smoking volcano to Tyra. It’s the final judges. Once again, the girls will win a contract with Wilhelmina Models, a cover and six page spread in Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl. There are judges and I’m impressed Ms. J isn’t floating. Laura looked like a pro on the runway. Nicole had a signature walk.

Photoshoot 1 (Baby pictures): Nicole impressed the judges. Nigel thinks it was soft and gentle for Laura.

Photoshoot 2 (Becoming taller): Laura’s wasn’t the best. Nicole looks like a friggin’ giant. Nigel says she works.

Photoshoot 3 (Scarves): Ms. J loved Laura’s photo. So did Nigel and Tyra. Tyra loved working with Nicole.

Photoshoot 4 (Las Vegas): Group shoot. Nigel calls it unusual. He loves Laura.

Photoshoot 5 (Underwater): Laura’s shape is great. Nicole is underwater couture. Nigel calls her high fashion.

Time to watch the commercial! Looks lovely. Time to see Laura’s best take. Tyra is surprised that she overcame the dyslexia. She commends Laura. Nigel tells her to enunciate. Nicole is next. She doesn’t come off snobby. And Tyra agrees but thinks Nicole forgot to model through the commercial. She follows with the cover girl photo shoot. Tyra says Laura looks hot and sexy. Nigel likes her eyes. Tyra calls her relaxed and confident, chilled and focused. Tyra calls them inspirations.

Top Models in Action: Teyona (Cycle 12) is modeling for Elite and living in NYC. She works overseas.

The judges deliberate for the last time this cycle. Ms. J loves Laura’s country and for her ability to turn out a great photo. S/he isn’t thrilled with the body proportions. Nigel says the proportions are off on Nicole, but she can work on the runway. Tyra doesn’t see a model in person but she delivers. Ms. J says she has commercial appeal and s/he’d book Nicole. Nigel thinks Nicole is great on the set. Ms. J thinks Nicole in Milan, Laura in America. Nigel thinks Nicole is commercial and high fashion.

The final decision. There can only be one winner…

NICOLE! "

YES!

Tyra hugs her and congratulates her. She goes to hug the panel while Tyra consoles Laura. She tells her to be so proud because she is a model now. She says Laura is beautiful on the inside and the outside. Laura thinks her family will be proud even though she’s not America’s Next Top Model. Tyra tells Nicole she is special because she just doesn’t rely on her beauty. Nicole says she had to overcome her fears and her shyness but: “I’m a dork and I’m America’s Next Top Model.” She hugs Mr. Jay as she and Tyra take their photos.

America’s Next Top Model: Nicole

Ashley
Sundai
Bianca
Rae
Brittany
Rachel
Courtney
Erin
Lulu
Jennifer
Lisa
Kara
Laura

WOOT! I am so happy Nicole won. For awhile, I would have been happy if Laura won, but I am really happy Nicole won. You?

Quote of the Episode:

“She looks like a busted up Tinker Bell…but I like it”

You Sonuvabitch! /Italian accent

Future!Ted tells his children the secret to dating, saying it is important to be comfortable with yourself. Barney is great at this, even if he is usually playing someone else. Lily goes up to an attractive blonde to tell her to stay away from the guy in the scuba suit (Barney) because he was a jerk. Blonde expects her to say she was burned by Barney. Lily just replies he’s her best friend. But Future!Ted explains how Barney and Robin get over their relationship. Robin decides to focus on her career. Barney goes to his Play Book to get back in the dating game and reveals some of his tricks:

“Don’t Drink That”: Barney stops a girl from drinking, claiming it’s been roofied. Ted gets body-slammed.

“Mrs. Stinsfire”: Barney dresses as a sorority house mother

“Lorenzo van Matterhorn”: Barney’s plan to return to the stage…er…bed…er…bed on a stage

Marshall asks Robin about her plan to get back in the dating game. She points to her breasts but reiterates that she was going to just focus on her career. Marshall and Ted name people they knew who said that and ended up married six months later. Or in a civil union and awaiting the passage of legislature currently on the floor of the New York State Senate to get married. Possibly Barney and Robin get back together foreshadowing? I’M NOT GIVING UP! THEIR BREAK UP WAS CONTRIVED! Lily likes the sound of this and tells Ted he is ready to met a cute, nice teacher named Shelly she’s being planning to hook up with Ted for three years. The plan was aborted back then because Ted and Marshall were trying to see how many chicken fingers Ted can fit into his mouth. She sets up a new date and Ted promises to be on his best behavior.

Except it’s totally unnecessary since she never showed up. She says she feels bad then admits she doesn’t. She arrived at MacLaren’s early and met this amazing guy. Lily has an inkling who it is. She asks his name and Shelly says “Lorenzo von Matterhorn.”

Lily shows up on Barney’s doorstep saying “You sonuvabitch” in an Italian accent.

Lily continues telling her story to Blonde. Barney tells of his Lorenzo von Matterhorn scheme. It’s an elaborate rouse where he pretends to be someone famous, complete with a fake Google search of Lorenzo von Matterhorn. It’s foolproof except that Lily’s already told Shelly the truth, that it was all lies (except his award for laser tag. Lily was there). Barney is horrified, claiming Shelly is now ruined for Ted.

Lily doesn’t think so and offers Ted to hook them again. Ted thinks and asks for a choir back up. He, Marshall, Robin and the Blonde harmonize “Hell, no.” Lily goes back to her story, where Barney reveals more of his plays:

“The Snasa”: Barney is an astronaut in Secret Nasa or Snasa

“The Cheap Trick”: Barney’s the bassist for “The Cheap Trick” complete with big hair

"He’s Not Coming”: Barney goes to the Empire State Building, traditional meeting spot of long-lost lovers for years. He walks around telling girls “He isn’t coming” until one breaks down crying. Score.

At the apartment, Robin says she is going to go get a paper. Ted and Marshall think she’ll come back with a guy. Marshall goes on about waffles, the remote in the freezer and then asks Robin to get frozen waffles. Barney arrives and declares it a code red emergency. He describes his girl until Robin leaves, disgusted. In the clear, the girl stole the Play Book. He thinks terrorists, Lily admits it was her doing. Barney replies “You sonuvabitch” in an Italian accent.

Blonde is impressed. Lily explains the girl was a friend of hers, an actress. Lily says she’ll put the Play Book on the internet if he doesn’t stop his immature plays. Robin interrupts to show some more Play Book entries:

“The Ted Mosby”: Barney dresses up as Ted and says he was left at the altar.

“My Penis Grants Wishes”: Good lord, these girls will believe anything!

Lily explains to Blonde how Barney shows up in a scuba suit, but it isn’t in the Play Book. So they go to MacLaren’s and Robin reveals that she still isn’t so over their break-up. Barney realizes he’s hurting her. And that brings us to Blonde (Claire). They join Barney and he apologizes to Robin, saying he may be taking the break up hard. She says she is too, having sworn off relationships. Ted and Marshall still think she’s getting married soon, she’s only going to hurt them soon. They encourage Blonde (Claire) to go out with Barney for some coffee.

Back at the table, Barney gives them:

“The Scuba Diver”: This entire episode. Except that last part where he’s all insecure because…well…he’s Barney.

Lily is outraged even though I suspected they were falling into his trap since they brought Claire up to the present. “You sonuvabitch” she snarls, in the Italian accent.

Tag: Ted uses “The Ted Mosby” and it works. Marshall tells Robin the love of her life will walk into the bar. White afro guy. Ted says the love of her life will walk in now. Old guy. Marshall goes for third-time’s-the-charm. Woman. Marshall encourages Robin to give her a chance. Robin leaves for work. Future!Ted tells us that is when she met Don, her new co-host. She says, “Dammit, Marshall.”

While I’m still mad that they broke up Barney and Robin, I’m now intrigued about Don.

Quote of the Episode:

“I’m so over the dating scene. I’m just going to focus on my Star Trek fanfiction.”—Travis the Back-up Bartender

TV Season 2009-2010: The Casualties

More shows have gotten the axe for this season. The following shows have been cancelled:

Trauma (NBC)

Eastwick (ABC)

Hank (ABC)

Dollhouse (FOX)

Sorry if you were fans of it. But judging from the titles, I think that would only apply to Dollhouse’s cult following.

Tyra: Goddess of Eliminations

Last week on America’s Next Top Model: The girls continued enjoying Hawaii. They met Marissa Miller, dove off cliffs, celebrated Laura’s birthday and had an undersea photo shoot. Sundai and Erin ended up in the bottom two with Sundai getting the boot. Who won’t make next week’s finale? Find out!

Wanna be on top?

HAWAII! The girls board their Top Model bus and celebrate being the Final Four. Erin talks about being in the bottom two for the past three weeks. She knows she needs a good photoshoot. Nicole likes Erin’s look but not the mentality, she’s too concerned about other people’s opinion. She also can’t believe she, awkward Nicole, is in the final four. She predicts my final two—herself and Jennifer!

Everyone goes to admire Jennifer’s picture. Someone calls her butt “perky.” She’s proud she’s made it this far. Laura reminds us she’s from a small town. Laura wants to model for Victoria’s Secret and is encouraged by small-fry Marissa Miller.

TYRA MAIL! “LEt’s not skirt the issue—this competition is getting fierce!” The girls guess they are going to hula. And they get a jump start on it.

The Top Model Bus takes them to the hula. They are surprised when the Hawaiian music transforms to hip-hop. Nicole’s nervous, remembering the dance challenge with Benny Ninja. Anna-Rita teaches the girls hula-hip-hop. The girls will tell their story in a traditional hula for a solo. The girls go to practice. Erin decides she’ll be nice and help the girls because she was a cheerleader and can dance. She’s bugging Nicole.

HAWAII! The girls find their outfits. Erin is thrilled to get purple. Jennifer thinks Erin will win. Ms. J greets the girls. S/He will be judging along with Anna-Rita. The winner of the challenger will get a 5 day trip back to Maui with a friend. Jennifer gets to go first. Ms. J starts singing along. Anna-Rita liked Jennifer, particularly the Hawaiian part if not the hip-hop. Erin is next. Ms. J thinks Erin was angry. Laura is after Erin. She decides to fake it. Jennifer says that Laura can move her hips. Ms. J thinks she really told a story. Nicole is last. She is off beat. Erin catalogues Nicole’s mistakes. Ms. J goes to mock her performance. Ms. J praises the fact that Nicole didn’t give up. The winner of the challenge is: Laura. She is over the moon. She is going to bring back Jen, who freaks out.

HAWAII! Jennifer and Laura talk about their challenge win. Erin thought Laura should’ve picked her because she helped the girls during the challenge.

TYRA MAIL! “Is the pressure making you feel like you want to explode? Not so fast…timing is everything.” Are they going to drop the girls down a volcano? Please? Especially Erin?

The girls meet Mr. Jay on the “Secret Beach.” The girls will be styled like Pele, the goddess of disaster. They will pose on volcanic rock with waves and water around them. The girls will have to time them. Mr. Jay reveals that there will be now Top Three—two girls will be eliminated at the next panel. The girls are shocked.

Umm, Erin, panel HAS eliminated two girls at once. Tiffany and Rebecca from Cycle 4? The infamous Tyra Rant? The girls report to hair and make up as well as wardrobe. They are introduced to their photographer Steve Shaw. Jennifer is up first. She starts in the praying position. They don’t like her positions. She stays on her tip toes and falls before going down on her feet. Nicole gets a pep talk before going on the rock. The photographer loves her face. Mr. Jay loves her poses. Laura follows Nicole. She struggles with her balance. Mr. Jay and I wonder what is up with her faces. Mr. Jay reminds her to smize. Mr. Jay talks with her after, saying she looked boozy. Erin is last. The photographer struggles with her and Mr. Jay tries to get her to soften up. She sings pop songs in her head to do that. Mr. Jay likes the trick. That’s a wrap! Erin bangs her head.

TYRA MAIL! Two people are going home. I still predict a Nicole-Jennifer final two. Everyone is nervous.

PANEL! Tyra reminds the girls that two will be going home and only two will head into the final runway. There are prizes, there are judges, there is Ms. J’s humongous sleeves, and the guest judge is Ann Shoket. Erin is up first. Nigel loves her photo. Ann tells her she is glowing. Tyra calls her “sleepy.” She wants tension. Jennifer is next. Nigel isn’t too thrilled but loves her power. Ann thinks her neck disappears. Tyra agrees that Jennifer lost her face. Tyra calls her skirt poses “amateur.” She loves the tan. Laura is applauded for her challenge win before getting made over. The panel loves her picture. Nicole is last. Nigel loves her close-up but doesn’t like the full shot. Ann likes the vulnerability in Nicole’s pose. Tyra thinks Nicole model H2T, head to toe.

Top Models in Action! Katarzyna from Cycle 10! She was my favorite! I’m glad she’s still working. And she looks gorgeous.

HAWAII! The panel deliberates. They talk about anger in Erin's picture. Tyra isn’t happy with her film. Laura is compared to Rachel Hunter. Nigel calls her the diamond in the rough. Ms. J loves Nicole. Nigel doesn’t like Jennifer’s picture. They like her personality as well. ELIMINATION! The first finalist is: Nicole. Duh. Go, Nicole! The remaining three are called forward. One is safe, two are not. Jennifer: Has beautiful film, but she has been a bit shaky lately. Laura: Sweet, sunny personality and takes amazing pictures, not the same in person. Erin: Started in the top, faltered but the last photo was great. So who is the finalist? Laura. Really? Huh. Nicole will still win. Nicole seems happy. They hug. Tyra hugs Jennifer and Erin. Tyra recalls the photoshoot she did with Jennifer and calls it magic. She tells Erin to love herself as much as the camera does. The final two hug the booted two before Erin and Jennifer leave together.

Erin is upset she fell short. She says it was a great experience but now it’s over. Jennifer is amazed she made it to the Final Four and it hurts to go home now. She promises she’ll be a model.

America’s Next Top Model:

Ashley
Sundai
Bianca
Rae
Brittany
Rachel
Courtney
Nicole
Erin
Lulu
Jennifer
Lisa
Kara
Laura

Next week: The Cover Girl commercial. Then walk the final runway. The runner will be crowned.

GO NICOLE!

Surprised about the Top Two? Who are you supporting—Laura or Nicole?

Quote of the Episode:

“Jay just peed in his pants.”—Steve Shaw about Jay’s reaction to Nicole’s poses.

Even I Know Storm Troopers Aren't Robots. Please.

Now that he’s in a committed relationship, Barney bequeaths his porn collection to Ted. Marshall tries to rifle through it but Ted decides to get rid of it. But Future!Ted tells his children that something unfortunate happened. He just so happened to trip and the container just so happened to open. One tape just so happened to fall out, fly around the room and ended up in his VCR. And the box just so happened to hit the play button and Ted just so happened to fall on to his couch, all the while saying, “Oh no” in a deadpan. The porno he just so happened to end up watching? “ArchiSexTure.” I’m still disappointed in the lack of “Ted Mosby, Porn Star” references. But instead of porn, Ted sees Barney. Barney says he figured Ted would go for this particular tape. And if Ted is watching it, then either Barney is dead or in a committed relationship. If he’s dead, he wants Ted to take his body and recreate “Weekend at Bernie’s”. If he’s in a committed relationship, he pleas with Ted to get him out of it.

Credits!

Now Marshall and Lily watch the video with Ted, which Barney seems prepared for. He tells them he is most likely miserable and it is Ted’s duty as his best friend to bail him out. But the three refuse to believe that Barney isn’t happy with Robin. But Future!Ted tells his children that he started to actually watch Robin and Barney. Barney was constantly eating and Robin couldn’t stand listening to him anymore. Neil Patrick Harris donned a fat suit and Robin looks like she hasn’t seen her brush or her make up in years. Ted is determined to follow Porn!Tape!Barney’s wishes, but is outvoted by Lily and Marshall—who believe Robin and Barney are happy.

However, Marshall spends sometime with the new Barney. He watches in disgust as Barney devours ribs and goes on about how delicious they are suddenly. He also tells Marshall how his sex drive has died. Marshall returns to Ted’s and agrees to help break up Robin and Barney. They decide to unleash the Kraken—also known as Lily, who has broken up several of Ted’s relationships. But she refuses, saying she is a matchmaker now. She turns down Ted’s request to set him up though. So Marshall and Ted set about to break up Barney and Robin by themselves.

Ted recalls an episode from season 2, when he and Robin were dating. It was when they were out at a restaurant and Robin freaked because she thought Ted was proposing after finding a ring in her champagne. Except that it was totally meant for another couple at another table who got engaged—for reals! Wonder how that couple is doing today? Ted and Marshall decide to make Robin think that Barney is proposing. They are the two most commitment phobic people on the face of the earth—it’ll freak them out and they’ll break up. Except that it backfires. Robin and Barney are already committed and living together, so they decide to make it official in the least romantic engagement ever.

Lily wants to kill the two of them. She gladly accepts Robin’s offer to be her maid of honor before planning to break the couple up. She decides to recreate the couple’s four biggest fights—the dirty dishes, Barney’s sexual past, America vs Canada and the Star Wars fight. We see Robin mocking the giant Storm Trooper in Barney’s apartment, calling it a robot. She decides to call in Alan Thicke, a Canadian himself and part of Robin’s “Sandcastles in the Sand” video, to “run into” Robin and Barney. Then Crazy Meg would show up to remind Robin of Barney’s past. At the same time, a Storm Trooper would go by. When Robin and Barney are ready to kill each other—a busboy with dirty dishes would happen to stroll by. Good bye, Barney and Robin. Marshall and Ted are in awe.

Marshall, though, is not thrilled about doing their stakeout work from a station wagon. Ted argues that a van cost too much. And the plan continues to unravel. Alan Thicke shows up early. The pizza won’t fit in the station wagon. Alan Thicke’s dialogue is just him reminding us he’s Alan Thicke. They didn’t have any Storm Troopers, so Lily got the robot from “Lost in Space”—she also thinks Storm Troopers are robots. She gets upset when she realizes that they blew up the Death Star with real people on board. Crazy Meg shows up. Finally, they fear that the couple has spotted them. Marshall and Ted want to abort but Lily is determined to go through with this. She sends in the artillery, but in the end, Robin and Barney part with a kiss.

The gang realizes that the two really love each other and toast that at MacLaren’s, with Alan Thicke. Robin shows up and looks like her usual groomed self. She reveals that Barney and she broke up. Turns out that when the stakeout crew thought they were made, Barney and Robin just saw their reflections in the window. They admitted they weren’t happy anymore. They reasoned they were just too awesome to be a couple. Barney is afraid that they’ll have the awkward aftermath where they can’t be friends anymore, though it’s worked out for Robin and Ted. They agree, though, to being friends again and we see Lily’s plan awkwardly fail. Barney and Robin part with a good-bye kiss. The others are impressed with the break up. They get a shiver and we see all the girls turn toward the door as a slimmed down, freshly suited-up Barney returns to MacLaren’s in all his glory. He’s back.

Tag: Alan Thicke and Robin hug. Barney mentions “Sandcastles in the Sand” and Alan Thicke mentions a failed variety show. Barney waits a few seconds before running out of the bar to go find it. Can’t wait to see it!

I’m torn. I really, really liked Barney and Robin together but the show did seem to make them miserable in their relationship. And you know what, I blame Lily. She forced Robin and Barney to define their relationship and you can’t do that with these two. I think they’re relationship couldn’t be so inclusive, so defined. They needed to just be together but not a couple-couple, like Lily and Marshall. Barney and Robin like that was too unnatural for them.

Quote of the Episode:

“Let’s not think of it as a break-up, but two friends getting back together.”—Robin, about their break-up.

Hold Your Breath...

Last week on America’s Next Top Model: I was sick and came home from work, plopped down on my bed and passed out. But apparently, Tyra evicted the girls just to send them to Hawaii, put them in blackface for a photo shoot that stunned everybody, and then Brittany was sent home for being too formulaic. Because the brainy girls? Never win. So, Nicole, you’re my only favorite. Bring it on home, girl! Who will be eliminated tonight? Let’s find out!

Wanna be on top?

HAWAII! The final five celebrate in the car while Erin is glad she wasn’t eliminated. Sundai is boggled by that.

The girls go home and Nicole is missing Brittany. She and Jennifer talk about how well Brittany had done and then she’s just gone. Jennifer flips out in competition.

TYRA MAIL! “You never know what could come to shore. You better look appropriate.” Someone guesses sea turtles. I was guessing men. Nicole sits on Sundai’s bed and says that she can tell that Sundai had a rough life but is still happy. Sundai reveals she was adopted and promises to tell her story if she gets to the final four. Tyra’s salivating.

The next day is Laura’s birthday. Everyone celebrates. The girls make her breakfast. They hit the beach. They see a canoe come in, bearing someone. The girls freak out when they realize it’s Victoria’s Secret Angel Marissa Miller. Laura is especially ecstatic. She reveals all she’s done as a model—and she’s only 5’8! The girls all strip down to bikinis and she teaches them to pose. She shows the difference between men’s pictures and women’s pictures. And she teaches them the “Barbie toe”—how to look like you’re always wearing heels. She sends the girls to take a dunk in the ocean and then they are ordered to roll in the sand. Time for a shower—and they have to pose in the shower. Laura goes first. She tells the girls to keep moving. Jennifer is next and aces the Barbie toe. Sundai is called “too cute.” And not in a good way. Erin is next and seems to do well. Nicole is last and gets applause for minding her hips.

Marissa leads the girls from the beach to some cliffs. The girls think “Oh no, photoshoot!” But Nigel turns to reveal a girl jumping from the cliff. The girls freak out and do so more when Nigel reveals that that is their challenge. Jennifer, appropriately, worries about getting injured.

The challenge for today is that each girl will jump off the cliff and have her picture taken. The one who is the sexiest and most graceful wins. Laura volunteers to go first and seems to think she’s back in Cycle 6’s falling fairy tale shoot. Erin follows but isn’t so graceful. Nicole braves it next, turning to the side. This worries Marissa. Jennifer follows behind her and Sundai jumps last. When she hits the water, she hits her mouth but is okay. The challenge winner is Nicole! She wins a piece from Island Pearl and extra frames. She picks Sundai to also get extra frames. Sundai picks Laura to get extra frames. Laura picks Jennifer to get extra frames. And the cheese—Erin—stands alone. She vows to show up the girls and do spectacularly without the extra frames. Nicole says no one picked Erin because she can be a brat.

Nicole gets a necklace then returns home for Laura’s party. The girls decorate a room and Erin ices cupcakes and cakes. She begs people to compliment her cupcakes and then freaks out at everyone. Laura is genuinely touched by everyone’s kindness. Nicole excuses herself to go to bed, wanting to look her best at the photoshoot.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow you will pose with some natives.” (Or there about). Someone really loves sea turtles.

The girls meet Mr. Jay, who channels the spirit of Ann Curry (“Good morning, good morning…”). He is standing beside a boat and introduces their photographer, who reveals the shoot will be underwater. The girls head out to sea, where they find out that they will pose underwater without a regulator, but will have it nearby if they need air. They will come back to the surface to get critique from Mr. Jay and then head back down for more shots. Except Erin.

The girls get their hair and make up done. Sundai worries about her asthma. Laura is first in the water and reveals she has a fear of suffocating/drowning. So do I! Of course, I’ve had pseudo-asthma attacks as a child, so I know how scary it is not to be able to breathe. She dives in and panics. They talk her through it and she eventually relaxes to get phenomenal pictures. Even Mr. Jay, nice and dry on the boat, praises her work. Jennifer is next. She hangs too close to the surface and on her second go, dives deeper. She does better. Nicole is third and is just awesome. Mr. Jay tells her to have more fun on her second go. She does. Mr. Jay loves it. Sundai is fourth and complains about everything—her head hurts, her ear hurts, she’s afraid of her asthma. The photographer is like, “Shut up and take the picture.” Mr. Jay calls her on her asthma fear, saying that many divers have asthma. Erin finishes up and fails to perform. Except she doesn’t get a second chance. Mr. Jay calls it a wrap.

TYRA MAIL! Someone’s going home. The girls wish the elimination was that night so they didn’t have to deal with the anxiety.

PANEL! Tyra greets the girls. I like the panel room. There are prizes, there are judges, there are balloons Ms. J is calling “sleeves,” and the guest judge is Marissa Miller. Sundai is the first one up and Tyra also calls her for her excuses. Her picture isn’t so great—her body is good, but her face is lost. Jennifer is next and the panel is torn. Nigel loves her photo, but Marissa doesn’t like how straight Jennifer’s pose is. Jennifer reveals she doesn’t really breathe during panel, so Tyra makes her do breathing exercises. Laura goes and is wearing a jacket that the panel guesses was made by her grandmother. It was and they make her take it off. It’s nice, just doesn’t go with her outfit. They tell her to remember to always find the light, but praise her for the fact that her fear doesn’t show on her face. Nicole is next and everyone loves her photo, even the Mick Jagger pout. But she got a little crooked with the feet and is reminded about the Barbie toe. Erin is last and the panel just doesn’t really like it, especially since they can’t tell it’s her.

Top Models in Action! This week is Fatima from Cycle 10. She made it to the top 3 and managed to survive elimination despite missing the photoshoot (never done before). She’s now working in Europe.

The judges deliberate. Nothing too spectacular, just them reiterating things from judging. We learn Nigel has a foot fetish. Which leads to Tyra putting her feet in his face. Marissa follows suit, saying she had hoped she could show off her shoes. And of course, Ms. J gets in on the fun. Nigel now has six feet in his face and deadpans, “We have reached a decision.” ELIMINATION! The first name called is…Jennifer, who has to go through her breathing exercises. Nicole and Laura follow. That leaves Erin and Sundai in the bottom two. Sundai: Had a million excuses and it showed. Erin: Had less frames and it showed. She’s also been getting weaker, but Tyra decides to jerk her around for another week. Yes, Erin stays and Sundai goes. Tyra tells Erin she is hanging by a hair. As Erin joins the other girls—who are shocked—Tyra hugs Sundai. She calls her an inspiration to kids in the foster care system everywhere.

Sundai leaves and thanks Tyra for the opportunity.

America’s Next Top Model:

Ashley
Sundai
Bianca
Rae
Brittany
Rachel
Courtney
Nicole
Erin
Lulu
Jennifer
Lisa
Kara
Laura

Next week: Hula meets hip hop! And Top Model will break with format—two girls will be eliminated, meaning no top three.

I don’t really feel sorry for Erin. She’s floundering and Tyra needs to cut her loose. I don’t think she’ll make the final two. I calling Nicole and Jennifer for final two. You?

I Love the Euphemisms on this Show!

Future!Ted talks about new neighbors that moved above him and Robin. Apparently, they like to “play the bagpipes” all day long. It is driving the duo insane.

Credits!

Ted goes to MacLaren’s to get away from the bagpipes. Barney comes over and tells Ted that Marshall and Lily are getting a divorce. The other day, Barney was with the couple and Lily asked Marshall to wash his dirty dish right away. Ted tells Barney that he and Robin are still in the honeymoon phase and isn’t a relationship expert. Marshall agrees when he arrives. He explains that he’s the expert at being a boyfriend. Barney tells Marshall to lay down the law with Lily: he’s not going to wash his dishes. Marshall says that’ll lead to a fight. Barney comes back with the fact he and Robin never fight. Ted and Marshall scoff. Barney’s solution to handling a possible fight? Leave. Robin’s? Strip. Avoidance doesn’t do much, you two.

Barney launches into a fantasy about how he would handle Lily, complete with Suddenly an Idiot!Lily. He tells her that dirty dishes are her problem, so why does he have to clean them up? She agrees. He ends it with an explanation how he wants to save all his energy to make love to her. She loves that. Marshall thinks Barney’s plan will work. Ted tries to reason with Marshall and tell him Barney’s idea is bad. Robin comes in and agrees that they don’t fight. Their one argument? Who was more awesome. It was a tie.

They depart for the weekend. Ted’s going to tell the neighbors off about playing the bagpipes. Marshall’s going to tell Lily how he doesn’t want to do the dishes. Robin and Barney are going to a ski lodge. Ted and Marshall make a slap bet about how the discussion will go.

Ted wins. He slaps Marshall and then lets him crash on the couch.

Marshall tells Barney and Ted what happened. He got all tongue-tied and for a lawyer, can’t argue his point eloquently. And we see how Marshall’s ineloquence leads to a thousand different arguments with Lily, culminating in her doing a Shining impression and all the arguing Marshalls telling her to stop that. Barney pumps him up to go back and square things away with Lily, while Ted pleads with him to not listen to Barney again. Marshall rants about dirty manhood and cleaning it when he wants and I don’t know what, but then he storms off.

Robin returns and she and Barney act disgustingly sappy. I mean, the sappy they used to make fun of last week. Ted suspects something but Robin diverts him with a question about their neighbors. Turns out the bagpipers are old, like octogenarians. And Ted felt really uncomfortable about asking about their “playing the bagpipes” because, well, right on! Go them. Even Robin and Barney have to agree.

Marshall returns, no luck. Ted tells him, again, not to listen to Barney. He knows something is up—Robin and Barney were using nicknames. Ted knows Robin doesn’t like nicknames. We flash to 2006, when they were dating, and see that yes, Robin doesn’t like nicknames. Not even ones Ted gives himself. Marshall sees his logic and is grateful Robin killed “T. Moz.” Me too. The bagpipers start up again and Ted’s able to identify where they are doing it this time. This gives him an idea.

MacLaren’s. Ted brings a pitcher over to the booth and invites the happy couple (Barney and Robin) to join him and a stranger. Ted tells him he knows the truth—the couple fights all the time. How does he know? The stranger is Phil, the guy who lives below Barney. The couple has a busted look on their face.

Turns out the avoidance only works so far. Barney tells Robin about his Marshall and Lily plan and she thinks it is a lousy plan. The ski lift stops and they realize they will have to fight. And they fight. And they fight. And fight. All the fights they avoided, they burn through. Ted is thrilled he discovered the truth. Turns out Barney and Robin were tired of hearing how they were too screwed up to be in a relationship and wanted to prove everyone wrong.

Meanwhile, Lily is still torturing Marshall. She makes his favorite dinner, but not for him. He sits like a punished child on the couch. Barney and Robin show up to ask for advice. They tell of their epic fights and Marshall and Lily realize their spat isn’t so bad. Marshall says he’ll do his dishes right away. Lily says it isn’t necessary, just soak anything cheese based. They agree, kiss and make up. Robin and Barney are floored and ask their friends how they do that. Lily tells them they have to put their egos aside and remember that their love is stronger than anything. Robin and Barney laugh. Lily tells him that the honeymoon period may be over, but now the great part begins.

Robin and Barney leave. They debate talking more but decide sex in the elevator=way better idea. They may not be the perfect couple, but it’s not like there’s a competition. Back in the apartment, Lily and Marshall pop champagne and celebrate being the perfect couple again.

Tag: Lily and Marshall make up and we see all their arguments make up as well. They kiss and get passionate. We zoom down a floor below, to Lily and Marshall’s neighbors as their chandelier swings and bagpipes start up.

Quote of the Episode:

“They’ve been bagpiping for six hours.”
“Maybe they practice that tantric bagpiping Sting is into.”—Ted and Robin, complaining about their neighbors’ “bagpiping.”

Okay. Now I’m scared that they’re going to break up Barney and Robin. They can’t. The two are made for each other!