Future!Ted tells his children the secret to dating, saying it is important to be comfortable with yourself. Barney is great at this, even if he is usually playing someone else. Lily goes up to an attractive blonde to tell her to stay away from the guy in the scuba suit (Barney) because he was a jerk. Blonde expects her to say she was burned by Barney. Lily just replies he’s her best friend. But Future!Ted explains how Barney and Robin get over their relationship. Robin decides to focus on her career. Barney goes to his Play Book to get back in the dating game and reveals some of his tricks:
“Don’t Drink That”: Barney stops a girl from drinking, claiming it’s been roofied. Ted gets body-slammed.
“Mrs. Stinsfire”: Barney dresses as a sorority house mother
“Lorenzo van Matterhorn”: Barney’s plan to return to the stage…er…bed…er…bed on a stage
Marshall asks Robin about her plan to get back in the dating game. She points to her breasts but reiterates that she was going to just focus on her career. Marshall and Ted name people they knew who said that and ended up married six months later. Or in a civil union and awaiting the passage of legislature currently on the floor of the New York State Senate to get married. Possibly Barney and Robin get back together foreshadowing? I’M NOT GIVING UP! THEIR BREAK UP WAS CONTRIVED! Lily likes the sound of this and tells Ted he is ready to met a cute, nice teacher named Shelly she’s being planning to hook up with Ted for three years. The plan was aborted back then because Ted and Marshall were trying to see how many chicken fingers Ted can fit into his mouth. She sets up a new date and Ted promises to be on his best behavior.
Except it’s totally unnecessary since she never showed up. She says she feels bad then admits she doesn’t. She arrived at MacLaren’s early and met this amazing guy. Lily has an inkling who it is. She asks his name and Shelly says “Lorenzo von Matterhorn.”
Lily shows up on Barney’s doorstep saying “You sonuvabitch” in an Italian accent.
Lily continues telling her story to Blonde. Barney tells of his Lorenzo von Matterhorn scheme. It’s an elaborate rouse where he pretends to be someone famous, complete with a fake Google search of Lorenzo von Matterhorn. It’s foolproof except that Lily’s already told Shelly the truth, that it was all lies (except his award for laser tag. Lily was there). Barney is horrified, claiming Shelly is now ruined for Ted.
Lily doesn’t think so and offers Ted to hook them again. Ted thinks and asks for a choir back up. He, Marshall, Robin and the Blonde harmonize “Hell, no.” Lily goes back to her story, where Barney reveals more of his plays:
“The Snasa”: Barney is an astronaut in Secret Nasa or Snasa
“The Cheap Trick”: Barney’s the bassist for “The Cheap Trick” complete with big hair
"He’s Not Coming”: Barney goes to the Empire State Building, traditional meeting spot of long-lost lovers for years. He walks around telling girls “He isn’t coming” until one breaks down crying. Score.
At the apartment, Robin says she is going to go get a paper. Ted and Marshall think she’ll come back with a guy. Marshall goes on about waffles, the remote in the freezer and then asks Robin to get frozen waffles. Barney arrives and declares it a code red emergency. He describes his girl until Robin leaves, disgusted. In the clear, the girl stole the Play Book. He thinks terrorists, Lily admits it was her doing. Barney replies “You sonuvabitch” in an Italian accent.
Blonde is impressed. Lily explains the girl was a friend of hers, an actress. Lily says she’ll put the Play Book on the internet if he doesn’t stop his immature plays. Robin interrupts to show some more Play Book entries:
“The Ted Mosby”: Barney dresses up as Ted and says he was left at the altar.
“My Penis Grants Wishes”: Good lord, these girls will believe anything!
Lily explains to Blonde how Barney shows up in a scuba suit, but it isn’t in the Play Book. So they go to MacLaren’s and Robin reveals that she still isn’t so over their break-up. Barney realizes he’s hurting her. And that brings us to Blonde (Claire). They join Barney and he apologizes to Robin, saying he may be taking the break up hard. She says she is too, having sworn off relationships. Ted and Marshall still think she’s getting married soon, she’s only going to hurt them soon. They encourage Blonde (Claire) to go out with Barney for some coffee.
Back at the table, Barney gives them:
“The Scuba Diver”: This entire episode. Except that last part where he’s all insecure because…well…he’s Barney.
Lily is outraged even though I suspected they were falling into his trap since they brought Claire up to the present. “You sonuvabitch” she snarls, in the Italian accent.
Tag: Ted uses “The Ted Mosby” and it works. Marshall tells Robin the love of her life will walk into the bar. White afro guy. Ted says the love of her life will walk in now. Old guy. Marshall goes for third-time’s-the-charm. Woman. Marshall encourages Robin to give her a chance. Robin leaves for work. Future!Ted tells us that is when she met Don, her new co-host. She says, “Dammit, Marshall.”
While I’m still mad that they broke up Barney and Robin, I’m now intrigued about Don.
Quote of the Episode:
“I’m so over the dating scene. I’m just going to focus on my Star Trek fanfiction.”—Travis the Back-up Bartender
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