The Pendulum Swings

Last week: 32 girls flew out to Cali. After revealing their gimmicks…I mean tragic back stories…8 were quickly sent packing. Tyra then narrowed down the remaining 20 to…12. They couldn’t find a thirteenth wannabe so they scoured the country for someone else. While they did that, the girls went to New York, met Perez Hilton, met 13th wannabe Ren and moved into their loft. Angelea managed to alienate everyone but Krista but none so much as Alasia. When we left the wannabes, they were told they would be doing a nude photoshoot. At the end, someone will get the honor of being the first eliminated and retain the greatest chance of having a career.

Wanna be on top?

We see Mr. Jay and the girls from last time. Once again, this is a NUDE photoshoot. Jessica is having a heart attack. Mr. Jay tells the girls they have to sell their one item. The girls attack the mannequin as 14 cycles taught Mr. Jay how to duck quickly. Jonathan Mannion is the photographer. Alexandra is first with a necklace. Mr. Jay loved her facials. Angelea is next with shoes. She worked it and knows it. We see some of the other girls follow in quick succession. Gabrielle goes next with her gold leggings. Mr. Jay wants her to fix her face and she says she can take criticism. But she doesn’t really learn. Jessica comes to set and is worried about what her grandmother would say. But she rocks it. Brenda is still upset about her hair but she sells her watch. I think Krista says it best about Alasia—“She’s a mess.” Meanwhile, Ren bonds with the hair and make-up people and says she isn’t going to try to impress the girls and make friends. But the girls see her good photoshoot and realize she is competition. Krista’s face doesn’t really work.

Skull and Crossbones. Tomorrow you will have your first meeting with the judges. Only 12 will remain. Someone’s going so soon? The girls debate over who will go. Brenda has money on Krista but hopes it isn’t her.

Foreshadowing?

Another Free Willy movie? Seriously? Starring Bindi Irwin?

NEW YORK! PANEL! Tyra greets the Cycle 14 girls and starts with the judges. HI NIGEL! I missed you! Makeover stylist Sally Hirschberger is the guest judge. Tyra then introduces Andre Leon Tailey, who replaces Ms. J. There are prizes: a contract with Wilhelmina Models, a cover and six-page spread in Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl. Ren is up first. Nigel loves her eyes. Tyra says the secret challenge wasn’t to look too sexy. Angelea follows. Andre loves her makeover and her pose. She sells the shoes. Alexandra is next. Andre isn’t too impressed. Raina follows. It does look nice and Andre compares her to a courtesan. Used to jewelry, used to the good life. Tyra praises her boots but then makes her lose her jacket. Nigel thinks she didn’t do it all the way. Simone is told to smile with her eyes. Gabrielle gets silence. And they aren’t stunned from how good it is. They don’t like her pose and Tyra tells her not to lose her neck.

The judges tell Jessica to take her skirt and necklace off. Andre thinks she is high fashion. Tyra thinks she has a gift—a chameleon. Jessica is happy. Sally doesn’t like the pose. Tyra calls it old school but then goes about Krista’s hair. She does know why she got it. Naduah is mixed reviews. Andre doesn’t like Brenda’s leg position but Nigel loves her eyes. Sally tells Brenda she needed the makeover to make her pop. Tatianna is told to vary her poses. The others don’t like Alasia’s photo but Andre loves it. Alasia cries that she doesn’t want to go. Andre says not to cry, he would hang her picture in his salon. Okay. Anyway, someone’s gotta go.

NEW YORK! The judges deliberate. Sally compares Ren to Kate Moss. Andre calls Gabrielle “boring.” Tyra would buy Naduah’s shades. You know, in that shot, Brenda looks like McKey. They’ve reached a decision. Once again, the best photo will be displayed in the loft. But wait, there’s more! The first girl called will get to participate in the challenge prize no matter what. First called: Jessica. She is followed by: Angelea, Ren, Brenda, Simone, Tatianna, Anslee, Raina, Naduah, Alexandra, and Krista. That leaves our first bottom two as Gabrielle and Alasia. Okay, girls, duke it out! Gabrielle: Lovely girl in person, but there was silence when her photo came up. Alasia: Judges were uncomfortable with her picture (except for Andre). So who stays? Alasia. Really? Who knew Andre held so much weight. Sorry, Gabrielle. Tyra tells her she has potential and to work it. Gabrielle goes home to pack. She cries and says she wanted to be the one but she’s not. But she’ll be somebody. Especially now that she’s off this show!

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

In the Top Model Limo, Alasia is still reeling from her near-elimination. Jessica goes home to admire her picture. Ren goes straight for the wine and says the girls are giving her a headache. Ren thinks she’s far too intelligent for the house.

TYRA MAIL! “Why did the model cross the road? Guess you’ll have to find out tomorrow.” By the way, I deplore text speak, so I’m writing out the words. English is important, Tyra! Anyway, Naduah talks about growing up in a cult. She says she wouldn’t change it because it made her who she was. She mention she has a husband whom she did a photoshoot with, got offered to do Playboy (turned Hef down) and did some international fashion weeks. Raina thinks she must’ve gotten a lot of money from that but Naduah says the pay isn’t too good and she’s broke. The girls doubt Naduah’s story. Anslee and Raina wonder about her lack of a wedding ring (not everyone wears a ring, girls) and dub her a pathological liar.

NEW YORK! The girls go to meet Ms. J for runway practice. S/He even has a metronome and a thousand watches. He talks about pacing and how to take off their coats on the runway. Alexandra thinks that doing sports has made her more apt to take criticism. Ms. J sees potential in Ren. Ms. J is open-mouthed at Alasia’s walk. He moves on to part two: The girls will be walking a crosswalk. While talking off their jackets. In a New York winter? As frigid as the one we just had? Jessica goes first. She gets some praise from people on the streets. Angelea follows. Ms. J likes her pace. And wants to see some New York jaywalking. And girls to stop traffic. Naduah loves it but one guy calls her faces “weird.” Back inside, Ms. J reminds them about timing and then lets them go.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow you will need to be in the swing of things.” Alasia: We’re going to be on swings!

The girls meet Ms. J and will be walking in a Rachel Roy runway. The girl who walks the best will get to keep the outfit and get to be on Rachel Roy’s website. But, the runway has pendulums! dun dun dun.

We go back to the Top Model Lounge. Bianca and Laura think this runway is going to be trouble for the girls.

We go back to the runway. Raina says everyone is thinking the worse as they hit wardrobe and makeup. Simone goes first. She gets hit but recovers. Brenda follows. Ms. J likes her. Angelea, Krista and Jessica barely survive. Let’s see how Alasia fares. She survives. Ren’s tattoos are on full display but I love her dress. Can I have it? Anslee, Tatianna, and Raina all get past the pendulums. Naduah praises her walk. She thinks Ms. J was impressed—he doesn’t look it. Alexandra falls down the stairs. She decides to go fierce and you can read it as “mad” on her face. A pendulum takes her off the runway. Alasia is scared for her as they watch. Everyone applauds when she gets back up.

Alexandra: Needs to get back up and work it out. Alasia: Face is great, stride not so much. Rachel loved Raina and Brenda. Ms. J tells Naduah to smile. The winner is Brenda. She gets to keep her dress, which she loves. Jessica, as first picture, gets to keep her outfit as well. I still want Ren’s dress.

At the house, Alasia is loud. Ren tells her to be quiet and Alasia explodes. Did the censors realize they let “fuck” fly through not once, but twice. Ren regrets living in this house as Alasia threatens she knows where Ren sleeps. Alasia did pass the psych tests, right, producers?

In the loft, things are tense! Ren says she went from being poor and happy to drama. She doesn’t know how long she can last. She doesn’t think it’s worth it!

TYRA MAIL! “Make your mark before you disappear” The girls go to Brooklyn and Krista is already on the defensive. Mr. Jay tells the girls they will be doing a beauty shot for a fragrance that sprays a color. But there will be wind and rain but model through it. Alasia is up first and meets Brian Edwards, the photographer. Mr. Jay says she needs to stop analyzing. Alexandra needs to make sure this rocks. She starts vogueing but then gets compared to Cindy Crawford. Angelea rocks her profile. The other girls don’t think Naduah should fix her make-up and that she knows too much. Mr. Jay tells her to go back to the basics and not to overthink. She doesn’t please Mr. Jay. Krista still needs to work her eyes. Brenda got thrown by the water and wind. Anslee rocks it. As does Raina. Ren just wants to get her shoot over with. And that’s a wrap!

Naduah doesn’t think she’ll go. Foreshadowing?

SKULL AND CROSSBONES! Another elimination? Two girls get Tyra’s Prada boot? Ren continues crying about her sanity and her happiness. Then leave. Just…leave, Ren. Alasia thinks she’ll probably go (and by “she” I mean Alasia).

PANEL! There are prizes. Again. There are judges. Double the Nigel! Andre Leon Talley, Alasia’s #1 fan. And the guest judge is Rachel Roy, whose dress Tyra was wearing when she won her Emmy. Alasia is first. Tyra and Andre (surprise, surprise) love it. Rachel wants to see more of her eyes. Anslee is next. She looks like Madonna a bit. They love her profile. Ren is third. She lists her complaints. Nigel says her picture is for H1N1 vaccine. Krista is called “stunning.” Naduah doesn’t wow Andre, he doesn’t feel there is magic. Tyra tells her to stop being so “advertisement” and then makes her take off her make up. Andre calls Tatianna “romantic.”

Brenda gets applause as the challenge winner. But her picture would be rejected at Vogue. She can’t turn. Jessica’s energy didn’t translate to the picture. Angelea is “a mess” according to Andre and Nigel tells her to open her mouth a bit. Alexandra is okay as an ad but Nigel isn’t sure about what it is for. Rachel loves her face. Tyra tells her to keep her reactions inside on the runway. The judges love Simone’s pose. Raina finishes up the photos and looks beautiful. Her eyes are great, I agree with Rachel Roy.

Someone’s going home.

NEW YORK! The judges deliberate. Again. Andre calls Ren a “train wreck.” Krista is classic. Andre calls Naduah “Dreckitude.” He coined his own word. Cute. Rachel Roy is worried about Brenda’s photos on her website. Nigel liked Angelea’s shot and Tyra is amazed by her femininity. Tyra needs to shake the edge out of Simone. Tyra also thinks Anslee looks like Madonna. ELIMINATION! AGAIN! The first girl called, who gets to stare at her picture and win the challenge: Raina. She is joined by: Krista, Anslee, Tatianna, Simone, Alexandra, Angelea, Alasia, Brenda, and Jessica. The bottom two are Naduah and Ren. They hold hands as they approach Tyra. Sadly, one will be kicked off in the next four minutes. Naduah: Judges see edge but posing is classic, wasting the edge. Ren: Edgy, cool with an amazing picture last week but this week’s wasn’t so great. She’s unpredictable. So, who gets to stay? Ren. Because we need more drama. Tyra tells her to fight through the elemenets. Tyra tells Naduah not to water herself down. She’s either classical or she’s edgy. Naduah says good-bye to the girls and then leads. She feels cheated. She wished for a greater opportunity and she has such a great desire. She will continue.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Top Model’s now casting Cycle 15!

Next week: Toccara comes back for a wild ride. Anslee versus Brenda.

Okay, well, now, I’m a bit lost as two of my favorites from last week were eliminated in one episode. But right now, I’m loving Raina. She’s absolutely gorgeous and a great model. Krista is surprising me as well. I think I like Andre as a judge, he seems knowledgeable and he’ll know what a magazine would and wouldn’t publish. But one thing, show: Can we knock it off with the 90 minute episodes? Please?

What did you think? Do you think someone else deserved to go?

Moment of the Episode:

The models strutting across a New York crosswalk.

A Pot of (Fake) Gold

NEW YORK! The Empire State Building is green, which can only mean one thing—it’s ST. PATRICK’S DAY! So, in honor, this post is in green rather than the usual blue. In a deli, the man behind the counter calls for #39. Slapping himself aware, Mac realizes it is him. He orders and meets a woman at the deli. He gets called to a scene but he gives her his second number. She orders a pastrami sandwich.

Out in Brooklyn, Mac joins our crime scene already in process. Danny is taking pictures. Flack tells us our vics are Michael Paley and John Doe. Stella notes blunt force trauma before showing Mac trace that is pure gold. Danny’s found a four leaf clover. Flack wonders if we are at the end of the rainbow.

CREDITS!

NEW YORK! Stella wonders if Michael Paley might be part of a prominent blog, which wrote about homeless in Battery Park. Embarrassed the mayor. They wonder if John Doe is Paley’s blogging partner. Sid gets the bodies and begins cleaning them off. He goes all high tech to clean up one vic’s face. Back in Brooklyn, IT’S LINDSAY! HI, LINDSAY! She finds a giant plastic bottle of water and a ladle. Danny finds footprints. As he takes pictures of them, Lindsay takes samples. Danny figures out the vic’s shoeprints. Another was a business shoe print and the fourth was a work boot. Lindsay thinks a gun was knocked under something but an accomplice grabs the gun. So Paley was shot, the possible Vanderman was beaten to death.

At Sid’s, Stella is told that yes, it is Michael Paley but no, it isn’t Vanderman. Who is played by Aaron Ashmore. Stella doesn’t know if he’s another victim or a perp. Sid reveals marks that may help find the murder weapon. Meanwhile, Lindsay runs the samples she took but no compounds were found in the water. Danny examines the four leaf clover while Lindsay gets the bloody clothes. Lindsay found algae in a vic’s shirt. There is a container of water and electic devices. Danny found out his four leaf clover is one that’s only found in Ireland. Someone been to the Emerald Isle lately?

Mac meets up with his step-son, who was worried about a friend. Named Vanderman. He tells Mac that he’s not guilty of murder but he’s afraid. Vanderman wants Mac to come to him. Reed shows his scar from the Taxi Cab Killer and says he knows how important the right help can be. Reed asks him to take a chance. He agrees to meet Vanderman and pays for Reed’s coffee. The owner gives him a take out menu with a message from the brunette in the opening scene. She wrote a note, thanking him for his kindness. Aww.

Hey, the Whitehall Station, I know that one! Used to get on and off there while working in downtown Brooklyn! As Celtic music plays, Sid continues to examine our dead guys while Hawkes fiddles on the computer with John Doe’s bruise pattern. He goes to Stella…oh, hey, the hair looks better this week. The bruise pattern is from a gold bar, deposited at the Federal Reserve this morning. Only in New York. Erin Cahill brings them into the vaults in hopes of finding their murder weapon. Stella and Hawkes have their work cut out for them.

LADY LIBERTY! Stella and Hawkes call in Adam to help. He has a “shiny” issue. They go over the stacks of gold bars. I don’t know, don’t you think the Federal Reserve would’ve noticed a gold bar with blood on it? Or one that looked like it had been cleaned with bleach? Adam declares, “I got a golden ticket!” He’s found the murder weapon. It even tests positive for blood. Erin Cahill says he came from its manufacturer straight to the Federal Reserve and hadn’t left.

Lindsay tells Danny they are going to the one pub that uses algae to brew it’s own organic green beer. Let the party begin! They enter it during a St. Patty’s pub crawl. The bartender IDs John Doe as “Charlie Cooper.” Charlie hooks him up with a cheap engagement ring, the girl dumps him and Charlie sleeps with her. So, he’s not sorry Charlie’s dead. Meanwhile, the pub crawl is still going strong.

Flack tells Mac that Vanderman and Paley’s apartment was ransacked but a uni is sitting on it. Stella tells us that Charlie Cooper not only travelled to China, he worked for the company that made the gold bar murder weapon. It was a company that melted old gold and turned it into gold bars. As Stella and Flack continue with their work, Mac finds a paper showing the same listing the mystery brunette had circled. We see her go into the apartment and the realtor gives her a note. Mac wrote it, inviting her on a date. Aww.

NEW YORK! Mac and Flack interview the owner of the company and everyone loved Charlie. He was a great employee. Mac asks for some information and the owner agrees to give it to him. Mac believes he’s involved, but his hands aren’t the ones of a murderer.

NEW YORK! At night! Mac goes to meet Reed in some godforsaken New York City alley. Vanderman joins them. He tells Mac that Paley and he were working on a story about fake gold. He and Paley were supposed to meet one more source to publish their story on their blog. He was late and saw the murder. How Paley was shot and the other guy was beaten to death by one assailant. When the guy ran off, Vanderman tried to get the gun. The assailant comes back but Vanderman threatens him with his own gun. Vanderman continued to run. Mac asks who the assailant and Reed tells him to tell Mac. He shows the gun to Mac, who asks him to put it down. Vanderman refuses and as Mac grows more adamant, he runs off. Reed reveals the assailant was a cop.

Flack reveals that the bullet isn’t one a cop would’ve used. He doubts Vandeman’s story. Mac pumps Reed for more information. He only knows what Vanderman told him. As he puts honey in his tea, the spoon gives Mac an idea. Hawkes and Mac test the bar using water, a lead spoon and a battery. The electric current transfers the gold onto the spoon. And it reveals…the bar’s a fake.

Danny reminds Stella about his native Irish four leaf clover. He also tells Stella that a stone Lindsay found in the alley is Kilkenny limestone. Stella wants to know where all these bits of Ireland are coming from. Danny’s found the answer—the Irish Hunger Memorial. I’ve been there. Everything in the memorial is from Ireland and happens to be near where Vanderman and Paley live. It is there that they find Vanderman casing the unis casing his apartment. Flack brings him in.

He doesn’t reveal much but the gun reveals more. It jammed, which is why the assailant decided to pummel Cooper to death. But they cannot raise the removed registration number. Mac uses some science magic to raise the numbers and the gun comes back to Finnegan AKA the Bartender. So as the parade goes down 5th Ave, Danny and Flack hit the bar. They call for Finnegan, who throws his tips into the crowd, jumps the bar and runs out the backdoor.

We cut back to the St. Patrick’s Day Parade as Finnegan runs right through it. Flack and Danny try to follow, Flack more successful than Danny. But Finnegan runs into a dead end and realizes that running into a parade where a THOUSAND COPS ARE MARCHING wasn’t a good idea. Finnegan is in with Flack who says the cops now filling out paperwork rather than partying at the Knights of Columbus aren’t too happy with him. Meanwhile, Stella and Mac confront the owner about his fake gold. He was informed about Charlie’s snitching by Finnegan, whom he then hired to kill Paley and Vanderman. He shot Paley, the gun jammed so he beat his enemy Cooper to death. Vanderman thought he was a cop but was threatened by Vanderman. Finnegan says he isn’t going down alone. The owner refuses to say anything. Stella brings in Erin Cahill to charge him with various FEDERAL offenses. He’s like “Oh, crap.”

In his office, Mac gets ready for his date with the mysterious brunette. Reed stops by, tells us that Vanderman is trying to rearrange his apartment and his life. Reed shows Mac Vanderman’s newest blog post—how the NYPD helped him and Paley reveal the gold scam. Reed apologizes in case he did something wrong but Mac thanks him for convincing him to take a chance. Reed invites him out for a green beer but Mac takes a rain check. Mac meets up with the mysterious brunette. I think she introduced herself as Aubrey. Not too sure.

A pretty good mystery, though not sure why they decided to do the St. Patrick’s Day episode a week ahead of schedule. But since there is no preview, I guess they were scheduled for a hiatus. And I’m curious about the mysterious brunette.

PS: Dear Sea World, the Manta isn’t the only rollercoaster like it. Facing down, flat on your back? Yeah, check out Superman at Great Adventure. Same position.

New York Moment:

Finnegan being chased down by Flack, joined by the cops from the St. Patrick’s Day parade.

Perez Hilton, Wax Figures and Model Wannabes, OH MY!

Break out the stilettos and weaves! It’s time for another cycle of America’s Next Top Model. Which means, of course, we start with my absolutely least favorite episode of the season: The casting episode.

Blech.

Wow, Mr. Jay once had black hair? Anyway, Tyra talks about how she’s created this international phenomenon. Look, it’s Cassandra and Elena. And Naima, Danielle, and Whitney. And poor CariDee freezing in the pool. And remember all the shorties from last cycle? Not in this round apparently.

LA! Sinead O’Connor is trying to be America’s Next Top Model? We meet Anslee and Alasia. Tatianna and Raina tells us about Tyra’s MyFierce page. Oh lord. The girls freak out as Tyra begins to use her webcam. The Jays can use one as well. They “banter” before Tyra tells the Jays to narrow down the 33 girls. She signs off as Alasia says she’ll pass out if she appears. And thus she does—the girl hits the ground. Everyone freaks down. Tyra then introduces the Jays. One wannabe compares them to gods. Tyra spots Alasia’s wig—seriously, girl, why were you wearing that? They are going to make “MyFierce” pages.

Orange soda isn’t strong enough for this.

Krista goes first to take a photo. Next we see Angelea, who was from Cycle 12. She was the cast episode bitch, remember? She impresses Mr. Jay. Brittany follows—she won an online competition to be apart of the show. Sinead O’Connor is actually named Naduah, who has modeled in Cancun. Danielle comes in, all pierced and tattoo-ed up.

Jeanna walks down the runway first for Ms. J. Alexandra is next…I smell this cycle’s plus size model. Hallie follows and admits she is a spoiled brat. She doesn’t care about the money. Gabrielle says her strength is being bi-racial. The other girls gossip about the return of Angelea. Gabrielle notes that the mean girl never wins.

LA! The Jays and Tyra sit at panel. Angelea walks in first and is thankful. She blames her attitude on her guy. She says she got professional help and lost her crazy nails. She even knows some of the fashion industry. Tyra is impressed with the change. Hallie follows and says she likes Chanel and likes simply. She declares herself a trust fund baby. Her godmother is Cybil Shepherd. Yeah. Simone is next. Her life goals: Victoria’s Secret model or Hilary Clinton. Talk about extremes. She says she is more drawn to whites. Outside, Raina talks about being a volleyball champion and had an awkward phase. We learn that Jessica is from Arkansas and has a young son. She conceived the first time with a boy she met at church and she married him, but the church kicked them out. Raina comes in and Mr. Jay loves her eyes. She says she used to be shy and lived in a bubble and then broke out. Brenda comes in next and reveals she was adopted. She and her boyfriend found her biological dad—a convicted criminal. He denied she was his daughter but she was happy to find him. And like Jessica, the first time she had sex, she got pregnant. They tell you once is all it can take so why is everyone so damned surprised these girls got knocked up in one go?

Anyway, Alasia is a Christian punk. She tries to quote a Biblical verse but can’t remember where it was from. The girls ask Alasia why she is so enamored with Tyra. Krista believes that Alasia is revealing her esteem issues. Alasia doesn’t care.

LA. Tyra tells Krista looks like a Barbie that comes with the room. She only owns heels and wants to look good. Ms. J loves her skin. Amy comes next and Tyra hits it on the head when she says she talks like Alice. She does sound like a Disney movie. She is classically trained so Tyra makes her sing. She isn’t bad. Tatianna follows and reveals she is a volunteer mortician. She explains how to embalm and cremate. Her brother is also HIV+ and says she came to get out of the science world. Someone doesn’t know what a drag queen is? Jeanna is another plus size model. From Planet Glamazonia. She and Tyra are going to get along—right, Super Smize? They decide to sacrifice Mr. Jay to the gods of Glamazonia. Angelea thinks Naduah is her biggest competition. She looks so European. Her father is European and her mother is Mexican-American. She said she was born into a cult and it was one of those weird ones obsessed with sex. She says she lived in a house with other children and didn’t really see her parents. But she got out and knows who she is.

Following her is Nida, from a strict Pakisani family. She even mimics her mother. Outside, Gabrielle considers Angelea as her main competition as they are both biracial. Her mother is German-American and her father is black, but she’s never had a stable black father influence. She cries as she talks about people asking if her sister is adopted, etc. She does tell the panel she sees Angelea as her competition.

LA! Alexandra asks for a round of applause as she walks in. Tyra loves her plus size body shape. She says she’s a tomboy but has a girly side. Anslee follows, from Dacula, Ga. She’s married and a mom. Tyra pretends to have a camera and makes Anslee pose. Danielle follows. Tyra thinks she’s classically beautiful—but with piercings and tattoos. Back outside, Jeanna loves Naduah. Anslee says she likes Hallie and Danielle but they sit by themselves. They then are bitchy by saying that half the room doesn’t deserve to be there and names a lot to go home. They decide they are in.

The girls gather to meet the Jays. Twelve people will be eliminated. The girls have to find their picture and check their status. Those who are pending are still in, those declined are out. Out: Nida, Danielle. Everyone else wasn’t really introduced. Those pending run to meet Mr. Jay introduces them to their shoot theme: What Super Model Are You? Sounds like a Quizzilla quiz on Facebook. The girls have to do their outfits and their make up. Hallie says she’s Vlada, a model. Tatianna says she’s Megan Fox, who isn’t a Super Model. Alasia does Naomi Cambell. Seriously. Alexandra decides to be Cindy Crawford, complete with mole. Krista embodies Gisele. Naduah goes for Kate Moss. Raina goes for Adriana Lima. Time to for final deliberation.

LA! Ms. J takes a shot at Mr. Jay’s height. Tyra isn’t impressed with Alasia. She is surprised by Alexandra’s mole. Tyra doesn’t like Anslee’s profile picture. They like Brenda and are impressed with Gabrielle’s knowledge. Tyra doesn’t think Hallie is fresh. Mr. Jay likes Jeanna. Jessica gets the “pageant” label. Tyra likes Simone’s proportions. Tyra likes Krista’s walk. Tyra loves Naduah’s profile picture. Raina has potential. Tatianna is beautiful but Mr. Jay doesn’t think she embraces the model industry. They’ve reached a decision!

Time to find out who will be on the wannabes on this cycle! Tyra reveals there will only be twelve girls. Our wannabes: Naduah, Jessica, Simone, Raina, Tatianna, Alexandra, Krista, Brenda, Alasia, Anslee, Gabrielle, and Angelea. Tyra goes to hug the others girls and encourage them. She tells Amy to keep singing. She does. She then welcomes the contestants of Cycle 14—who are going to New York City. Apparently, they are going to meet a 13th girl here in New York, NY.

Oh, did I mentioned this was a 90 minute premiere…Oh dear God, Perez Hilton.

New York! The girls arrive in the Big Apple. Jessica is slightly overwhelmed but misses her husband and baby. They pass Madame Toussaud’s and stop to admire Johnny Depp’s wax figure. Perez shows up to take them on a tour of Madame Toussaud’s. Notice a lot of people have their hair covered—it means that these confessionals were filmed after their makeovers. Perez stops at Tyra’s figure—which is in my Facebook profile picture. Tyra herself shows. Apparently, he agreed to stop talking about celebrities’ children for six months if he can appear on Top Model. Tyra introduces the thirteenth girl, Ren.

Wait, MAKE OVERS? NOW? It’s only week one! Perez tells them to be fierce. So they go to the Top Model Limo. They met Mr. Jay and Ms. J at Sally Hershberger, where Sally greets them. Anslee’s always had long hair. We see footage of Tyra revealing how she decides the make overs. Ren reveals she usually cuts her own hair. Tyra decides she needs edges. Ren didn’t shave her armpits. Gabrielle gets bleached and curled. She looks great. Krista gets extensions for a ponytail and doesn’t like it. I think she looks much better. Alexandra gets highlights and likes it. It goes shorter and gets shaved on one side. She feels it makes her more edgy. Brenda gets the Halle Berry cut. She cries because her boyfriend likes long hair. She says her world was shaken. Holy crap, it’s just HAIR!

Top Model lounge? Bianca (Cycle 9) and Laura (Cycle 12) talk about Brenda crying and sympathize.

Brenda’s still going on about her hair. Since Naduah is already shaved, Tyra bleaches her eyebrows. Angelea gets a weave and I’m not too sure it’s a good look for her. Raina goes chocolate and looks great. Alasia gets some volume and body. It’s an improvement. Anslee tears as she feels her hair get chopped. And it goes lighter. But she loves it in the end. Me too. Tatianna also goes blonde. She loves it. Jessica also goes brunette. And she loves it.

Mr. Jay tells the girls they get to move into their new loft. The Top Model Limo takes them there. Gabrielle says it makes her feel like a princess. It looks like it’s meant for a Disney princess. Alasia is impressed with the size of the tub. Angelea admires the pictures of Tyra before everyone runs to the balcony. They take in that gorgeous city skyline. I love it.

Now comes the fun part—calling territory. Alexandra predicts that Angelea and Anslee are so similar, they are going to butt heads constantly.

Tensions run high as everyone watches Angelea eat. Brenda tells Angelea that she is glaring at her. Angelea confesses that it is the “bitch, please.” She doesn’t get good vibes from Brenda. Ren is already fed up with living with girls. Angelea tells Alasia not to make an opinion before meeting Angelea. Krista likes Angelea, yelling “You’re misunderstood.” Alasia tells her that she just avoids Krista and Angelea. Krista calls Alasia “fake.” I think she’s mistaking energetic for fakeness. Jessica hides in the confessional.

TYRA MAIL! “Top Models get maximum exposure, you must learn how to cover yourself.” What’s going on? The 90 minutes are almost up! But the girls go to their first photoshoot. They will be modeling from Custo Barcelona. But they will only be wearing one item of clothing. Jessica’s like: NUDITY?

And we end.

Next Week: Nude photoshoot. Alasia vs. Ren. And trouble at a runway.

So far, I love Naduah, Alexandra and Gabrielle. Not too thrilled with Krista or Angelea yet. Nor Alasia. But we’ll see. Anyway, I already called Naduah “Sinead O’Connor.” Do you think any of the other girls look like doppelgangers? And what do you think of how Ren joined the show? Think someone from casting was way more qualified?

Moment of the Episode:

Alasia, trying to figure out how many fingers point back at you when you point a finger at someone else.

Bang, Bang, Bang Bang, Bang

Dear CBS, Please knock off the CSI:Miami opening. Please.

Future!Ted tells us that on a March evening, the NYPD pulled a man out of the river—Uncle Barney. The police woman lets Barney tell his story.

We start at MacLaren’s and…hello, Jennifer Lopez. The two hit it off and Barney takes her home. She talks dirty and just when Barney is at his point, she leaves him high and dry.

CREDITS!

We see Marshall and Lily at MacLaren’s with Don and Robin. They are celebrating the new strides their anchor relationship has taken since Don realized he was a jerk. He leaves and Marshall tells Robin to grab him before someone else does. Robin isn’t sure. Marshall tells her that Barney is and is loving it. We cut to—Barney saying he is hating it. He complains about J. Lo leaving him high and dry. Ted reveals she is following this book—Of Course You’re Still Single, Take a Look at Yourself You Dumb Slut. He reads off a checklist—does she mention “sex” in the conversation? (We see a clip where every word is sex in some way. Some of them painful). Did she use any excuse to initiate contact? (Yep. But who wouldn’t feel up one of Barney’s suits?) Did she use the excuse that she has the cleaning woman coming tomorrow and she needs to take a bubble bath? Yep and that’s how Barney catches her. J. Lo says that the book is a great book and she will follow it. Including not having sex until the 17th date. Barney faints.

And then Barney realizes he can use Ted’s book (which he swears is Robin’s. He only thumbed through it…Enough to quote it) to find a loophole. Meanwhile, Robin gets a call from Don. He asks her out on Saturday. She starts giving the “You’re a great guy but…” speech all us girls know by heart. But Marshall picks up the other line and agrees while Robin tries to wrestle him to the ground. While Robin fails, Barney realizes that J. Lo wrote the book. He is even more determined to sleep with her now.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall and Lily marvel at how Barney found his anti-self. Robin reveals that it isn’t karma. J. Lo was a guest on Robin’s show, but um (SHOT!), they got to talking after the interview. Robin spilled about her break up with Barney and J. Lo offered payback. Robin refused at first, until Barney’s bragging got to her. She agreed and now J. Lo is turning Barney’s world around. Meanwhile, Barney discovers that J. Lo’s book has no loopholes. So Ted decides that Barney has to wrap 17 dates into one. And he tells him how, using song. Barney is a bit uncomfortable, but gets into it as they go from a carriage ride to dinner to ice skating to the opera to fireworks over Manhattan. Barney agrees.

Marshall and Lily cuddle in bed and Lily reveals to Marshall that Robin isn’t as over Barney as everyone thinks. She even caught Robin crying. Marshall feels like a jerk as he remembers everything he said to Robin about Barney moving on—including a song of just “Bang” repeated over and over. He feels so bad.

At MacLaren’s, Marshall sees Robin and learns that she isn’t going on the date with Don. Ted is surprised to hear that because just an hour ago, Robin was all spiffed up and ready to go out. And then Ted mentioned Barney’s Super Date. And Marshall realizes the problem. He tells Ted about Robin’s difficult grieving period and now Ted feels like a jerk. Especially since he joined in with Marshall’s “Bang” song. They realize Robin was crying in the bathroom and storm the ladies room to hug her.

And then they storm Barney’s. Marshall even punches the Storm Trooper. Barney asks why and Marshall tells him that he’s mad at Barney, mad at himself and mad at the Empire. They tell Barney about Robin’s difficult mourning period. And Lily delivers some hard news for Barney to hear. They show a clip from the episode where the Playbook gets stolen, where Barney describes a girl to get rid of Robin. She cried in the hallway. Next they show the episode after the Super Bowl, where Robin cried and ate chicken wings alone after seeing Barney’s sign. Barney joins in, with spoons, to the “Bang” song. Barney throws up in the Storm Trooper helmet.

Barney is surprised about how bad Robin is handling the break up. They know she is upset but he knows where to find her—the shooting range. She tells him that she feels like another number in Barney’s book when he talks about the other women. Barney protests that she was different but Robin says it didn’t feel that way, that they never went on a Super Date. Barney says he will do anything for Robin. She asks him not to sleep with J. Lo. He agrees and then tells her she is going on the Super Date…

And she goes with Don. Meanwhile, J. Lo doesn’t realize that her book goes both ways. When Barney stands her up and then continually turns her down, she gets hot, bothered and determined to get him in bed. Barney holds to his promise to Robin, but needs to go cool himself down. Which he does by jumping into the river

And so the officer hands him a ticket, asks if it was worth and as fireworks light up the city skyline, he says it was.

Tag: The gang asks Robin how her date was. She only gives the “It was great, it was fine” and doesn’t go into details out of respect of Barney, I guess. But then she does start singing the “Bang” song and Ted, Lily and Marshall join in—complete with banjo accompaniment courtesy of Marshall. As the camera zooms in on Barney’s bemused face, we fade out for this week.

I was a little hesitant at first about J. Lo being on the show, but she rocked it as a woman who knew how to push Barney’s buttons and torture him a little. I was also a little unsure how they were going to play the Robin-handling-the-break-up bit. The episode where they broke up showed that it was a mutual decision and that they were both happier being single again. But the direction they took it—Robin being upset that her relationship with Barney meant nothing rather than that it was over—was a great choice. And I loved the songs. More songs, show, more songs!

Quote of the Episode:

“My plan was going to sleep with her but this changes everything. New plan—I’m going to sleep with her!”--Barney

Axe-Wielding Maniacs Storm New York!

NEW YORK! And we see some typical New York traffic, complete with crazed guy running around wielding an axe. Okay, it’s not so typical but the sad part—we New Yorkers actually wouldn’t blink. We’d honk, curse the guy out for disrupting traffic and drive away only to call our friend like, “Dude, there’s an axe-wielding psychopath on Church. You should totally go check it out!” Anyway, the axe-wielding maniac gets tased so Mac and Don get to go check out his hotel room. Turns out he stole the axe from the fire emergency box nearest his room. The two detectives follow a trail of blood to find—the set of some Columbia grad’s final film.

CUE THE WHO!

NEW YORK! Now Danny’s been called to the scene along with Hawkes to take pictures while Axe-Wielding Maniac gets processed by Stella at the lab. Umm, what’s up with Hill Harper’s hair? Anyway, Axe-Wielding Maniac tells Don that clowns were trying to kill him. Okay, the guy was found running in his underwear wielding an axe on a NYC street and now he claims he was tortured by clowns, who stuck a gun in his mouth. Has anyone decided to test him for drugs? Anyone? Don does have a gun—a water gun filled with tequila. Don suspects drugs. Thank God, it isn’t just me. Axe-Wielding Maniac—AKA James—doesn’t remember much, but he doesn’t remember taking drugs. He does remember being underwater, seahorses and starfishes. He tells Don to ask Mark. Don reveals that Mark is dead, along with everyone else at the “Happy 21st Birthday, Axe-Wielding Maniac” party.

Stella and Mac also think he’s on something, something hallucinogenic. My vote’s for LSD. They reveal he could go into states while revealing he’s a science geek over at Chelsea University. His phone registers 11 missed calls from a Sara and a birthday call from his parents, including dad encouraging him to put the books down and go have a drink—or maybe ten. Mom says no to that and that they’ll be home on Friday. Won’t they be surprised!

Danny and Hill Harper’s Hair are still at the hotel. He’s found the first victim—a girl. Danny predicts the guy rushing for the bathroom was number two and the guy next to him was number three, but Hawkes says they have no proof that the girl in the blue dress wasn’t number 2. They do realize there’s a gap on the wall—someone was standing there.

Sara comes down and is shocked to see James high. She tells Mac that Mark and the other guy were his best friends. She doesn’t know the girls. Mac finds it odd that she wasn’t at his “Happy 21st Birthday, Axe-Wielding Maniac” party. She says James didn’t much care for birthdays and would much rather study. Umm, why? (By the by, 29 days till my birthday!) James gets violent as Don and Danny find out he really was attacked by clowns. They were his buddies, shooting tequila in his mouth to start the 21st birthday festivities.

Danny goes to inform Hill Harper’s Hair that they ID-ed the girls and both have priors for drug use. He also doesn’t think they went to Chelsea University. James’ pants had shampoo on him. Danny and Hawkes discover that James did not create the gap in the blood spatter but Stella also notes that his clothes do not have enough blood on them for him to be the killer. She and Danny go to visit Adam, who has created a mock-up of the death. Stella asks about the bathroom door. Danny says it was open, but based on the recreation, there should be blood on it. There isn’t, so it must’ve been closed.

Stella and Danny go to the bathroom. They discover a blue shower curtain with seahorses and starfish on it. Stella realizes that during the murder, James was tripping out in the shower. We get a taste of that before we cut to commercials.

We go back to James, who has a trip watching a fly and yeah, your recapper is TERRIFIED of bugs, so I’m not watching right now. Mac comes in to end James’ and my torture. James is lucid enough to know he didn’t kill his friends but is surprised to learn he took LSD. Mac reveals that the friends did it too, party of the usual 21st birthday festivities. Y’know, up until the axe murderer showed up. Mac decides to connect to James using science. James wants to see Sara but Mac puts it off. He asks for James’ help. He’s studying his hand like a little baby just discovering it for the first time. James doesn’t remember the girls but he does remember seeing everyone dead. He picks up the axe and begins his LSD-fueled axe-wielding rampage on the streets of New York. He seems to get violent, but Mac waves off a concerned uni. James curls up, scared and Mac goes to comfort him.

Stella reminds us, again, that Mark and Daniel were partying with James because he turned 21. And, once again, the boys didn’t know the girls before that night. And once again, they were all killed by an axe. Hawkes is still trying to figure out the bite mark on James. He doesn’t remember it. The gang didn’t leave much of a trail but Adam pulled a picture off one crushed phone. It reveals a picture of the boys with a group of geriatric girls. They reveal it was an assisted living house and the boys played Bingo with the old-timers. One even won--$25,000. *Jaw drops* Don and Danny realize the money is gone and one old geezer really wants them gone. Ohmigod, it’s a real life Walter!

Stella reveals that James was bitten by Calvin Moore. He was arrested for assault. He took down two officers…and he’s only 3 foot 9! And once again, we hit the halfway mark of the episode and no Lindsay. Seriously, does someone in the Power that Be have something against Anna Belknap? Danny and Don go to watch Calvin beat someone up. He says he was paid a grand…to fight James, but not to kill them. He’s surprised to hear they’re dead. Calvin bites James, but in the end the Birthday Boy wins. Calvin doesn’t think that the boys were high. He also tells Don and Danny that the girls weren’t there yet. So where did they come from and who brought the LSD?

Mac takes James for a walk, complete with orange juice. James swears he didn’t take LSD. Mac believes he didn’t take it voluntarily. He thinks that his friends wanted to loosen him up, make him the life of the party. He distracts James by asking about his paper. He’s writing an open letter to Albert Einstein. As Mac quotes Einstein, James looks like he’s in love. However, when someone bumps into the two, James bolts. Mac pursues.

New York! Mac is still in pursuit, when he spots James’ taking down someone’s poster. The guy tries to stop James, Mac pulls the guy off and then James throws the lamest fake punch ever. I could be more realistic than that! But the poster does remind James that he rode a bull in a bar. So Don goes to the only club in Manhattan with a bucking bronco (seriously?) and the bartender confirms that the boys were there. And that James did ride Pedro, up to level 4. Then he fell off. She doesn’t think they were high and neither were the girls. They ordered the shots and may have put something in the boys’. The bartender reveals that they met the girls before they entered the bar. Don calls Stella, who tells him to meet her at a cab place. They had a run-in with one.

Danny and Stella can’t believe a driver saying that the lamppost came out of nowhere. The driver does remember the boys but he’s silent about the girls. They threaten to lock him up for reckless driving when he reveals that he let the one of the friends’ drive. Danny discovers a security camera. It reveals they just picked up the girls off the street. Stella thinks the girls probably drugged the boys to get the cash. She discovers one of the girls put a gun in her purse and Stella thinks something happened in the building they came out of.

Don and Danny talk themselves into a foggy apartment. They ask the guy about the girls. He knows they’re dead but he heard about it through his grapevine. They want to know why the girls shot him. He doesn’t know—he gave them money and food. And probably the drugs. He orders the two cops out. And I was right, he gave them the drugs. They deal for him. Or they did before they shot him. Hawkes reveals the DNA on the axe matches the Drug Dealer. So, he’s our axe murderer? The cops storm the apartment but only a young woman remains. Stella demands to know where Rufus, Drug Dealer, is. We see him and his bodyguard watching Mac and James. As Drug Dealer takes out his guns we go to…

Commercials!

Seriously, show, what do you have against Lindsay?

NNEW YORK! James and Mac are still in peril. Until Mac spots the danger. He drops his soda and pulls his gun—in slo mo, of course—and proceeds to have a shoot out with Rufus and Bodyguard. James picks up a dropped gun, remembering who the axe murderer was. Mac pleads with James not to do it and Rufus tells him to listen to Mac. James reveals that Rufus killed his friends, yes, we know, James. Mac still tells him to put the gun down. He does so and Mac orders Drug Dealer on his knees so he can cuff him.

Stella comes out of interrogating the woman found at Rufus’ apartment. Turns out the girls wanted out, move away from NYC. Rufus didn’t want that. He even ruins a good dinner, he’s so angry. That’s when he gets shot and the girls run away. Rufus’ grapevine tells him that the girls were in the hotel room. Mark and Daniel were just collateral damage. James was saved by the fact he decided to have his trip in the bathroom. They were just “wrong place, wrong time.” James has survivor’s guilt. Mac tells him that not even Einstein could’ve predicted it. Of course, Mac. Einstein was a scientist, not a psychic. Anyway, Mac tells James to reach out to the people who care. And who should come through the door—his parents and Sara. Aww.

Next week: Lindsay! I saw Lindsay! Anyway, someone doesn’t have the luck of the Irish next week. Which makes sense as St. Patrick’s Day isn’t for another TWO weeks.

So, an interesting episode. It might have been a bit more suspenseful if they didn’t exonerate the Axe-Wielding Maniac before the fifteen minute mark, let him hang for a bit. Also, whoever wrote the episode needs to work on it a bit. Audiences do not need to be hit over the head with facts we’ve already learned. And I still want to know why there was no Lindsay. And what is with Hill Harper’s hair!

No quote of the episode, but Don’s freak out about the clowns comes pretty close.

Can Glee Get Any MORE Awesome?

Seriously? First, it has a kick-ass cast singing some kick-ass songs. How can you not love Lea Michele’s Type-A, overachieving Rachel? Or Matt Morrison’s idealistic, passionate Will? Or Jayma Mays germaphobe, understanding, pining Emma? Or Chris Colfer’s talented, if a bit the stereotypical gay, Kurt?

And, of course, there is the sheer awesomeness that is Jane Lynch’s Sue Sylvester.

To add to the regular cast, there are the equally talented guest stars: Debra Monk. Victor Garber. Kristin Chenoweth. JOSH GROBAN. And there is the promise of more awesome to come: Idina Menzel, rumors about Neil Patrick Harris and Jennifer Lopez, and the reuniting of Spring Awakening lovers Lea Michele and Jonathan Groff. And Playbill has an article that made me ask the question in this post’s headline. It would seem the producers are now courting West End and BBC star John Barrowman for the show.

Captain Jack on Glee? Yes, please!

If you’ve never had the opportunity to hear Barrowman sing, YouTube him. He’s got a great voice and the credits to back it up: Sunset Boulevard, La Cage aux Folles, Beauty and the Beast, Godspell, etc. And he’d be great no matter what they decide to do with him—so long as it’s a recurring gig and not just for one episode.

Please, Glee producers. You have shown yourselves to be Master of the Awesome. Do not let Barrowman slip through your fingers!

Don’t Stop Believing…

Listen up, Gleeks! While it’s still 43 days and counting till our show returns, the steam has not died down. Coming off it’s Golden Globe win cback in January and news that the cast of Glee was invited by the First Lady to perform at the White House’s Easter Egg Hunt, there is even bigger news for those living near LA, Chicago, Phoenix and my hometown, NYC.

The cast of Glee will be performing live in concert in those cities this summer!

And all our favorites will be there: Rachel, Finn, Quinn (AKA Prissy Cheerleader), Puck, Mercedes, Tina, Artie, and Kurt. The shows will even include the four Glee members who don’t show up in the advertising: Naya Rivera and Heather Morris, who play Prissy Cheerleader’s equally Prissy Cheerleading friends Brittany and Santana as well as Harry Shum, Jr and Dijon Talton who are the other two football players, Mike and Matt, who joined along with Puck after Kurt’s Beyonce obsession helped their team actually win a game. They will be performing songs from the TV show, so we can feel like we’ve all attended Regionals. Or Nationals, as the concerts will be sometime around Glee’s season finale.

The concert dates and locations are as follows:

Dodge Theater, Phoenix, Ariz. on May 18th

Gibson Ampitheater, Los Angeles, Calif. from May 20 to May 21

Rosemont Theater, Chicago, Ill. from May 25 to May 26

Radio City Music Hall, New York, NY from May 28 to May 29.

Tickets go on sale this month for all sites. American Express card members can get pre-sale tickets. Hmm, looks like I’m getting myself a nice birthday present, even if I can’t enjoy it till almost two months AFTER my birthday.

Gleeks, you may now squee.

Hook, Line and Sinker

Oh lord, they let CSI: Miami do the intro to comedy Mondays?

Future!Ted says that he’s usually a romantic in his stories, but this time he’s a jerk. We got to the MacLaren’s, where Ted says he bringing some girl named Tiffany up to his apartment to show her his antique camera collection. Barney says it is a bait—a lure up to the apartment that’ll keep their attention for a few minutes before they get physical. Barney tells about his quest for the perfect bait. In the end, it is a teapot pig. Ted is surprised it works—until he sees Robin, Lily and Marshall cooing over it. Barney lets Ted borrow the teapot pig. The teapot pig works wonders on…Is that Carrie Underwood? Anyway, they coo over the pig before Carrie reveals she has a boyfriend.

CREDITS!

Ted is thrown off by the fact she has a boyfriend. Kinda. Sorta. Robin says that Ted is being baited. Marshall tells of his bait story—where Jason Segel plays 14 years-old Marshall being baited by a girl who wants him to do her homework. He realized it wouldn’t work when he went to confess his love for her (Gang: Ooh) in song (Gang: Ohh). She wasn’t home, but he waited. He waited so long, he feel asleep. When he woke up, he realized she walked over him. Literally, she walked over him to get into her house.

Anyway, Ted says that’s not what he has with Carrie. I’d watch out, Ted. You’ve no doubt heard “Before He Cheats” so you know she doesn’t handle it well if a relationship goes south. Anyway, Lily remembers her childhood stalker, Scooter. Remember, the guy who showed up to her wedding and almost ruined it? Before Marshall almost ruined it by cutting his hair? Before they ended up having the totally awesome outdoor wedding officiated by Barney, witnessed by Ted and Robin with Marshall wearing Bob Saget’s fedora? Anyway, turns out Scooter works as a lunch lady (lunch man?) in Lily’s school. This is news to Marshall. Lily swears she told him…and she did. Marshall just thought “Lunch Lady Scooter” was an ACTUAL scooter the lunch ladies used to get around the cafeteria. That would be cool. But alas, the lunch ladies have to walk and Scooter is trying to get Lily to run away with him. Awkward. Marshall is not happy. Lily agrees to end it…after Tijuana Tuesday.

Barney and Ted wait at MacLaren’s and Barney tells Ted to stop looking at the door because Carrie “might” stop by. Ted says that Carrie is wonderful (Future!Ted: She’s the devil) and that things are going to work out (Future!Ted: No, they’re not, dumbass!). Barney tries to convince Ted to cut Carrie out of his life. But then she shows up with her equally hot coworkers, who sadly are not former American Idol contestants. Barney pleads with him to never let her go.

Barney asks if Carrie is a pharmeucitical sales rep. She is. Barney freaks. “What, it’s just a job?” Barney flips out and starts at cavemen time. We see Cavemen!Barney and Cavemen!Carrie. They go through history with Barney as patient and Carrie as the hot!nurse. Except for a blip where Carrie is hot!stewardess. And now they’ve evolved into a pharmecutical sales rep. Carrie comes over and Ted asks if she’s dumped the boyfriend yet. She hasn’t. Barney still won’t let Ted go.

Lily comes home and Marshall brings out the teapot pig. It’s an exercise to help her deal with Scooter. She tries to tell the pig she can’t be with him…Right now. “Oh, come on, grow a pair.” Lily cuddles the pig and Marshall feels jealous.

Barney sings a bit and continues to work the room of Carrie’s friends. Ted tells the gang Carrie broke up with her boyfriend and tells them about their night. They cuddled (more like Ted cuddled), they ate chocolate cake (Ted fed Carrie), and Ted gave Carrie a food rub. And it ended there. They try to convince Ted that Carrie has him on the hook like he has the university librarian Henrietta on the hook. They hung out (Henrietta cuddled), they ate chocolate cake (Henrietta fed him cake), and Henrietta gave him a foot rub. Ted accuses Robin of doing the same with her cameraman, Mike. He asks Robin if they can advance their relationship. Robin snags free laundry. To prove that Henrietta doesn’t love him, that they are friends, he calls to hang out with her. He goes to her place where she has a spread waiting for him. Ted still can’t see the flashing neon sign Henrietta’s practically wearing saying “I LOVE YOU TED MOSEBY!” He takes a call from Carrie, who invites him as her date to her cousin’s wedding. He agrees, leaving Henrietta (Future!Ted: JERK!). She’s despondent as her parents even doubt Ted’s existence.

I really, really want to go back to Colonial Williamsburg now.

Ted pours champagne for Carrie. She walks in and is like, “Ooh, I accidentally on purpose forgot to call you.” She introduces Ted to the Best Man, who is her ex…now former ex. They’ve gotten back together. “He’s in a band,” she swoons. Meanwhile, Lily finally gets up the cajones to break it off with the teapot pig. And Ted gets the message loud and clear. He tells Carrie they aren’t going to work, realizing he is on her hook as much as she’s on Best Man’s hook. Just as much as Henrietta was on his hook and some guy was on her hook. He stands up to her and leaves. She can just sing about it later, Ted.

And Barney is introduced to the new sales rep, Gladys. She’s older and not hot, so Barney’s era is over.

Lily finally stands up to Scooter, but Marshall caves. She’s surprised. Meanwhile, Ted goes to let Henrietta off his hook and after he knocks, something falls out of his jacket. It’s a diamond ring—Ted realizes he took the wrong jacket back at the wedding. He took Best Man’s! He’s down on one knee, holding a ring…if you did NOT see this coming from a mile away, go get your sitcom-setup vision checked. Henrietta, of course, opens the door and, of course, says “Yes.” Robin laughs but Ted reveals that while he considered marrying her out of embarrassment, he eventually manned up and broke her heart. Robin still refuses to do the same with Mike.

Tag: Barney’s lost it. He goes on about how there is a future hot career just waiting for him to discover. Robin and Ted are surprised until Barney reveals he took some purple pills he found in his couch cushion.

Exchange of the Episode:

“I saw you have seventh period free. So do I. Want to run away together?”

“Let me be clear, Scotter, there is is no way you and I can ever be together.” *Scooter pulls a sad face complete with music* Right now.”

“Okay, see you tomorrow—it’s Tijuana Tuesday!”

--Lily and Scooter

I must say, Carrie Underwood is much better than Britney. And the teapot pig was so adorable. Overall, a solid episode if not a gut-buster.

It’s good to be back to new episodes.

Ready, Set, EXPLODE!

Two cars race down a track. Red car pulls ahead of yellow as the crowd goes wild. Yellow pulls ahead of red, red unleashes his speed boost. Come on, someone hit the wall—you know people only watching car racing for the accidents. And it’s CSI:NY, someone has to go in flames. Even if it’s an “exhibition, not a race.” Red pulls over for a pit stop, as does Yellow. Red’s driver shares a look with a woman in black while Yellow‘s driver is revealed to be Danica Patrick. Red pulls out exchanges a glance with Danica, who…Now there’s the explosion! Can I call it or can I call it? The emergency crews break out the fire extinguisher to use on Red’s driver before the car completely explodes.

In comes, Mac to inspect the scene. Flack approaches—Mac apparently likes Red’s driver, Davi Santos. Santos may have been protected by his suit, but he may get taken down by smoke inhalation. Flack revealed that Santos was receiving death threats. And a replay of the explosion leads us to…

The Who!

New York! Hi, Lindsay, I missed you last week. She takes pictures as Mac interviews the guy who employs Davi (also known as Antonio Sabato, Jr). Stella takes the Crew Chief. Davi and the guy were supposed to retire the previous season, but Davi talked him into one more year. Crew Chief praises Davi and Liza Grey (Danica Patrick) for being great drivers—which is why it was more an exhibition than a race. Mac wants a closer look at the car but the owners are a bit hesitant to give it up.

Mac wins though, of course, as we see the car get loaded into the NYPD garage. Adam works with the Detectives Messers as Lindsay reveals she loves racing. Adam only does it on Playstation. Adam reveals there was a fuel leak—he found Petrol everywhere. Lindsay guesses the car itself was the bomb. Danny knows it’s time to put Humpty Dumpty back together again. Meanwhile, the racing organization wants the races to go on and is threatening the city, who in turn is threatening Mac. Stella goes to check to see how Hawkes is doing with the threatening letters. He knows the same person wrote the same letters, but the paper and ink are all common. They note the progression of the letters as getting more and more serious. The computer matches the death threats to a letter sent to a Congressman. Josh Weaver is spit out.

Weaver says he can’t blow up a car. He just writes threatening letters. Weaver’s brother and his family was killed by a drunk driver, who got away scot-free and uninjured. He was also coming back from a race sponsored by the organization Davi and Danica race for. Weaver’s alibi is his anger management group. Weaver just wanted Davi off the road as a victory—hurt the organization by scaring it’s star.

Danny, Lindsay and Adam continue to patch up Humpty Dumpty. It’s a great montage—CSI is always good with these. Lindsay even uses my Humpty Dumpty joke, but they are missing a wire. The gasoline is bullet proof but the fuel line has been sabotaged. However, the tools used weren’t the right ones for the job. Two theories emerge: A. The person wanted to throw the detectives off (Danny) or B. They just didn’t know what they were doing (Adam.) But Danny finds a fingerprint.

New York! We go back to the racing track where Flack and Mac talk to part of Davi’s race team. He says he inspected the car and everything was fine. He didn’t tamper with it, even if he is the heir apparent to Davi’s spot. Flack asks about where the drivers go to the bathroom while Mac gets a message about an upcoming press conference regarding the exhibition. Flack and Mac check the truck, noting signs of forced entry. Mac finds a piece of coat snagged on the door. Flack is certain the car was the target as Mac orders all the tools to be bagged and tagged.

Hawkes find traces of oil with it’s special blend. It belonged to Danica’s car. The last time she and Sabato raced, he pushed her into the wall. He was fined, she was sent to the hospital. The exhibition was her first time back. Hawkes find footage of her getting out of the hospital where she threatened Sabato. Flack and Mac go to talk to her at a photo-shoot. Mac compliments her on her recovery after the accident. Flack asks her about her threats—she chalks it up as usual sporty dirty talk. Mac says they find a piece of her uniform—she says she just wanted a peek at the car. She noted that he had been going downhill since the accident and she wanted to see if his engine had been tweaked. She took pictures, which Mac confiscates.

Lindsay gets to go over them as Mac hangs up on someone. Stella says they are still processing the tools Mac bagged and tagged while running down Danica’s records. The media keeps hounding Mac since he advised the Mayor to postpone the race for 48 hours. Stella mentions that Sabato is out of surgery and asks about Mac’s racing obsession. He even admits to winning a soap box derby as a kid. Stella finds it adorable. He says it was a desire to go fast. But Sabato’s injuries are sobering. Stella gets a call telling her that Sabato is conscious.

Stella meets up with Crew Chief as they spot Sabato with his wife. He starts to code as the medical team begins to shock him. Tanya, the wife, mentions that the day was long overdue while Stella and Crew Chief look on in shock.

New York! Tanya is in shock. Stella consoles her—so Sabato didn’t make it. Tanya comments that he didn’t belong to her and that his murder was “poetic justice.” She said that dying was the only way for her husband to retire. She flashes back to him saying he couldn’t retire because of all the rumors of him losing his edge. He says he always comes home alive to her and smile. Tanya also noticed a change in Sabato after the accident.

Lindsay is still going over the pictures as Danny gives her some specs. Danny notices that the line is still intact and Lindsay says that clears Danica as she was giving an interview right after the pictures were taken—no time to tamper with anything. They go back to the car. Sabato has ended up on Sid’s table. Hawkes catalogues Sabato’s many, many injuries from racing. Shrapnel from Singapore 400, broken bones from Portugal 400 as well as Rio. Hawkes finds a second-degree burn on Sabato’s back, caused only by prolonged exposure to an open flame. Hawkes notes that it’s a miracle Sabato lived as long as he did, explaining Tanya’s statement.

Lindsay and Danny point out where a generator was and a new engine. It recycles energy. As the car turns, kinetic energy is stored and the driver presses a button located by the steering wheel. Instant turbo boost. Lindsay explains how the mystery yellow wire was used to turn the engine into a bomb. Sabato kept pressing his turbo boost and then went boom. Mac deduces it can only be a member of the pit crew.

Stella finds Tanya going to visit Crew Chief. She stays for a half hour, then returns to the 12th floor while he leaves. Mac zeros in on him as a suspect while Stella zeros in on an embrace shared between Tanya and Crew Chief.

New York! We zero in on a picture of Sabato and Crew Chief. Mac accuses him of murder. He asks Crew Chief about his relationship with Tanya. Stella has her in another room. Tanya says she went to Crew Chief’s room to get him to convince Sabato to retire. Crew Chief agreed and decided to sabotage the engine. He wanted to throw him off, make him realize he was off his game and finally retire. They just wanted to slow him down, not kill him. He insists it was supposed to short circuit and he didn’t do anything to turn the car into a ticking time bomb. Tanya cries about how their attempt to save Sabato led to his death. Mac thinks something is missing while Hawkes comes down to clear them. He finally finished processing the tools. The print on the wrench used to sabotage the fuel line matched the team owner. Flack brings him in as Mac interrogates him. Even the owner didn’t want Sabato to change his retirement plans. So, he sabotaged the car. He calls murder “looking out for his business.” He and Crew Chief are led out at the same time. Crew Chief tries to attack the owner while Tanya gives the owner the Look of Death.

New York! Mac and Stella are suited up. Danica lends them two cars to race. Mac remembers his soap box derby as he sits in the car. He and Stella rev up as Danica waves the green flag. They take off as we go to black.

I’ve had a snow day today as a blizzard hit New York City. It was great finish to a lazy, white day. If you were in the Tri-State area, be careful out there!

Advice of the Episode:

“Go out there, have fun, burn some rubber.”—Danica to Mac.

Rabbit or Duck? It’s the new Vampire vs. Werewolf!

Did you all see Barney Stinson at the Super Bowl, waving that sign? It was legendary and on top of that—the number was a working one. My fellow supervisor called it and said you got a recording of Barney saying he loved you. That’s How I Met Your Mother for you!

Future!Ted talks about watching the Super Bowl at his apartment with the gang, minus Barney. And if you missed the Super Bowl spot, there it is—the actual footage on Ted’s TV. The gang solves the mystery of the missing Barney while Robin calls dibs on his wings.

CREDITS!

At MacLaren’s, Barney asks who won the Super Bowl. The gang is surprised because they saw him—he interrupts to say he won. He has a cell phone that doesn’t stop ringing. The camera pans to reveal Ranjit, who Barney has employed as his personal driver now that all these girls are after Barney. He meets one such woman—a hot woman in a red sweater. Robin comes over to tell the gang she agreed to a date with Don, her slacking co-anchor…WHOM SHE HATES! (Remember this. This is big). Marshall resumes teasing her about how she will marry Don while Robin protests. Barney comes back to reveal his many texts, leading to an almost hysteria—until Mrs. Stinson calls. Ranjit tsks, saying he had an arranged marriage and is happy. Marshall says it’s old-fashioned to meet someone and fall in love, like Robin and Don. Robin states that Don just asked her over to his house with some of his buddies. The gang sadly tells Robin that she wasn’t asked out on a date. Robin denies this until Marshall asks if she wanted Don to ask her out. Robin reiterates that SHE HATES DON…She HATES him so much, she wants to rip his clothes off…She stalks off as Barney continues to receive texts. Ted says he’s done with the dating game. He asks Marshall and Lily to “arrange marriage” him.

Marshall and Lily are tickled pink. Ted thinks it’s a slam dunk because they picked each other so they have good taste. He agrees to a double date on Valentine’s Date. And if all goes well, he’ll marry the girl. And he’ll impress her—he’s going to wear his good blazer. Marshall is psyched and teases Robin about liking Don. She denies this again. SHE HATES HIM. Marshall talks about the complexities of love and hate. This prompts Ted to get his book of Book of Optical Illusions. At first glance, it looks like a rabbit but when you look close enough, it’s a duck. Marshall argues that the duck is the thing you hate but the rabbit is the thing you love. Ted argues that it’s the opposite and the women agree. That then starts the great Rabbit v. Duck arguments which involves a lot of fast forwarding until Marshall agrees that Ducks are better than Rabbits. Robin says that Don is her Rabbit. But then Ted uses the following logic: “Don…Donald…Donald Duck. And what doesn’t Donald Duck wear?” Lily: “Pants.” Ted: “That’s right, Donald Duck doesn’t wear pants.” So, Don is Robin’s Duck. Marshall gives his permission for: “Lawyered.”

Meanwhile, Barney is on a string of dates. Every time he is close to closing the deal, his phone goes off. And the call is always offering someone better. This goes on, back and forth between the Fortress of Barnitude and MacLaren’s until Barney meets a woman who can stretch her leg around her neck and open a beer with her toe. And that’s her bad leg. Barney’s phone goes off but now he realizes it is something he hates…And it appropriately turns into a white rabbit. He throws out the phone, but can still hear it. He leaves Gymnast to pick up the phone.

Valentine’s Day arrives and the Eriksons have forgotten to get their dear friend Ted a date. They rush around MacLaren’s, but it ends with “no’s” and Marshall getting maced. They hope that Ted forgot. He didn’t and tries to come up with a song about the groom, his favorite blazer and trying to rhyme something with blazer. Robin comes out in a really nice dress and asks Ted to come with her to Don’s. He agrees and says that if the date goes well, he’ll lie about having dinner resevs and “duck” out. Robin opens the door to reveal—an entirely nude Don with a strategically placed heart-shaped box. An alone, entirely nude Don with a strategically placed heart-shaped box. He’s surprised. Ted peaces out.

Back at Don’s, he tells Robin that he was doing the “Naked Man”—which he found at some guy’s blog (plug! Barney has a regular blog!). He says he was stupid to think it would work on Robin…Even though we know it totally does. He asks if Robin thinks he’s a playboy. And she sees rabbit ears and leaves. She starts to clean the apartment and tells Ted to have fun on his date.

He meets Marshall outside the restaurant and Marshall reveals how they found his girl. After going through a desperate list that included Blah-Blah (who has been committed), Barney gives them his phone in desperation. They set Ted up with one of the girls. Who is the Gymnast. Future!Ted tells us that Natalia was really great and she reveals she will be kicked out of the country as her visa has expired. So she needs to get married. The waiter comes over and asks “Rabbit or Duck?” Ted thinks hard and says “Rabbit” before running out. Barney runs in to ask for his phone. Lily says she hid it…

…In Ted’s piano. He picks up the phone and is hooked. He sets up a date just before he meets Marshall. We see the phone buzzing underneath the table before Ted says “Rabbit.” He meets a blonde at MacLaren’s, where Barney takes his phone back while Ted tries to keep it. Finally, Ranjit slaps some sense into them and Ted heads back upstairs. He and Robin share a beer on the couch and toast to having each other.

Tag: Don apologizes to Robin for his behavior. He reveals that he was married straight from college and just got divorced. He says he’s not used to being single and knows that he hasn’t been doing his best. He admires Robin and wants to be more professional. He offers to get her coffee and stands up to reveal…pants. Now, Robin sees a duck bill and curses.

Not as strong as the last episode, but a cute Valentine’s Day interlude. Though I wish they would decide—is Ted ready to settle down or does he want to play some more? Come on, show. Ted, his children and the audience aren’t getting any younger!

Also: Rabbit or Duck?

Quote of the Episode:

“What would your viewer think?” –Marshall to Robin.

No More Gimmicks?

The AP is reporting that Vogue’s Editor-at-Large, Andre Leon Talley, will be joining the judging table this cycle of America’s Next Top Model. Now, for those thinking this means that the table will once again have 4 regular judges and a guest judge, you’re wrong. Talley will be the third regular judge along side Tyra Banks and noted fashion photographer and all-round sexy Brit, Nigel Barker. That’s right, Ms. J has vacated the panel.

So, now who will done the ridiculous looking outfits at panel? Who will be wearing the sleeves so big take-off was possible? Who, I ask you, who?

Oh well. Good luck, Talley. I hope you’re snarky ‘cause I need “Quote of the Episode” material.

Vampires of New York City

Central Park. Winter. Looks like it was after that big snow storm last December. I was in the city when it started. By the time my sister and I went from Times Square to Whitehall, there was a nice coating on the ground and it was coming down fast. One woman braves the cold this time and takes pictures of the part in its white clothes. She gets attacked by a crow but recovers enough to take a picture. She is then knocked down and we see her camera take odd pictures before falling to the wayside. When she lands, she’s dead. The snow picks up again, covering our Snow Queen. Some poor parks department schmo comes by and finds her. He’s pretty unperturbed by it, but then again, if he works for the city, he’s probably seen it before. Flack, Mac and Hawkes show up and rule out burglary gone wrong. Hawkes thinks she bled out but there’s no blood pool. Mac brushes the snow next to her—there’s the blood pool. Hawkes finds a puncture wound, Flack finds the camera.

CUE THE WHO! *Note: They will be the halftime act this Super Bowl Sunday.*

We come back to Snow Queen, being carted away to meet the Awesome Sid. Hi, Sid! Hey, the dad from The Nanny’s going to show up in this! Anyway, Sid studies the puncture wound and he finds a mark that may be a part of the weapon. Snow Queen is still a Jane Doe, so I get to keep calling her Snow Queen for a bit longer! Sid found some dried blood that doesn’t seem to be from the victim.

Meanwhile, we watch a photograph develop as Danny has been locked in the dark room and given the task. Stella interrupts. Danny says he feels old and Stella hopes it isn’t from aches and pains. It’s because Adam didn’t know how to develop film. So, that’s why Danny did it. After slapping Adam. Stella and Danny zero in on a guy they think may be the boyfriend. They decide to use the photos to retrace Snow Queen’s steps. They may find her identity. Flack and Stella immediately start at a fountain…holy crap, this episode was written by Carmine Giovinazzo AKA Danny Messer! Oh wait, that would be his cousin, who has the same name. Confusing. Anyway, back to the crime…Flack finds a tube of chapstick. Stella and Flack continue on and stumble upon an apartment building. Maybe someone knows her there. In fact, the doorman does—her name is Estelle. I shall still call her Snow Queen. He didn’t think too much of Ice Queen not coming home, but figured she stayed with her boyfriend—Keith. Doorman also reveals that Snow Queen was British. He also reveals that Snow Queen also had a late night visitor. A male visitor. An older male visitor.

Mac gets to interrogate Keith. They met in Central Park, aww. He saw Estelle the day before. Mac asks why Keith and Ice Queen didn’t walk in the park the night prior like they do that. Keith says they argued a few days ago and Mac wonders if her late night, older male visitor had something to do with it. Keith says that it wasn’t that, but that Snow Queen was acting weird lately and he wanted to know why. Keith breaks down and thinks he could’ve protected her if he was with her.

New York City at night. It’s always so pretty. Of course, I’m biased. Hawkes tests the dried blood. It was from multiple donors. That’s a big fleck! One of the donors has a rap sheet: Billy James, assault and battery. We go to a tattoo parlor where some chick (?) is getting “Jackson” tattooed on her neck. Billy is surprised to hear that Snow Queen was dead. He has a scar on his wrist, like Snow Queen. He sucks at coming up with an alibi—he was working late, doesn’t remember the time. Flack and Hawkes confiscate his guns.

It’s Maxwell Sheffield and Finola Hughes! Hi, guys! They cry after identifying their daughter. Mr. Sheffield says they spoke to Snow Queen two days ago; she loved New York and she loved photography. We learn that Mr. Sheffield’s mother lived in New York, which is why Snow Queen moved here. They are broken up.

And that’s all we’ll see of Finola Hughes of this episode!

Lab zoom! Hawkes tests Billy’s guns on a pig. He compares the puncture marks to the ones found on Snow Queen. No matches. Stella comes in to reveal that Billy James may suck at alibi forming, but he was telling the truth. Sid waits for Mac in his office, surprising the detective. Sid was bugged by Snow Queen’s scar, it was familiar. It was from a cutting ceremony, part of a cult. Sid delivers his findings: Snow Queen may have been killed by a vampire.

Come on. Really?

Sid continues talking about vampires. Sanguine Vampires—it’s a religion, not just goth kids having fun. Wait, didn’t CSI: Mothership already do this a bajillion seasons ago? CARMINE’S COUSIN! Be original. Sid can use the world wide web and thinks Snow Queen was part of a blood exchange. Mac realizes that so was Billy James and Maxwell Sheffield. Just because he was in that Disney movie, “Mom’s Dating a Vampire”…Sid is fascinated, Mac wants to solve his case.

Flack is relieved that Snow Queen has a bed, not a coffin. Imagine if they were investigating Abby from NCIS? Hmm, Gary Sinise vs. Mark Harmon. Anyway, Danny wonders why people turned to vampirism and is probably making a note for when Lucy hits her teenage years. Danny is surprised to find a used role in the fridge. So, he develops it. Stella and he spot Billy and an unhappy Keith. There was an older guy there and Snow Queen was by him in one of the pictures. Perhaps he was Snow Queen’s late night, older male visitor. Stella spots something in the picture and hypothesizes it might be the murder weapon.

I’d like to point out it’s been a half hour and Lindsay hasn’t shown up yet. Where is she, show?

Anyway, Mac intercepts Mr. Sheffield at the Regent Hotel. He shows Maxwell some pictures but Mr. Sheffield insists he doesn’t know anyone. So Mac inspects his left arm. He wants to know more about the scar and his “faith.” Mr. Sheffield reveals the older man is named Joseph. They met at a haven many years back—a safe place for the vampires. Joseph is a master and was keeping an eye on Snow Queen, as a favor to Mr. Sheffield. He reveals that when he and SNow Queen talked, she did sound off. Worried. He talks about the scar coming from a small, silver object--

“An ankh!” Danny reveals. Stella backstories that it’s the Egyptian symbol for life and death. Fitting.

New York! In the snow! We zoom into a haven. Some woman is with Joseph, probably about to join the cult. DON’T DRINK THE KOOL-AID! He sterilizes her arm and I think this became a goth thriller. What have you been reading and/or watching, writer? And did Joseph just compare himself to a god? Anyway, he cuts her, the others look on vaguely interested. Flack and Danny storm the meeting. Flack leads Joseph out, making sure he won’t bite. Danny picks up the ankh/murder weapon.

Now it’s Joseph’s turn in the interrogation room with Mac. Joseph owns a blood bank. Irony? And why is the episode filled with Brits and everyone approving on vampirism either British or a goth? Someone’s been watching BBC America on Supernatural Saturday again, hasn’t he? Joseph says he only cared for Snow Queen and we see her joining the cult, a very erotic scene. When Joseph says he’s deeply disturbed by Snow Queen’s death, Mac says, “You are deeply disturbed. I’ll give you that much.” ZING!

Hawkes tells Stella that Danny found Snow Queen’s missing ear part in Joseph’s fridge. Eww. Hawkes goes to study the ankh. He runs all sorts of tests on the thing and comes back: with Snow Queen’s DNA amongst a million other donors. Snow Queen’s blood is still recent and the ankh matches the puncture wound on Snow Queen’s neck. Mac and Hawkes are like “Yes, we got him!” And then Danny comes in to reveal that the ear part indicates it wasn’t Joseph. Mac figures it means Joseph had some help.

Seriously, where is Lindsay? I guess this was one of Anna Belknap’s episodes off?

Clouds! Zoom down into New York. Someone pulls up our key players: Snow Queen, Joseph, Keith, Billy and Mr. Sheffield. Stella and Danny want to add Dracula. Mac does try to keep an open mind. Joseph claims that the ear part was planted and is threatening to sue. Mac stares at Hawkes’ neck, then his wrist. They found Keith’s DNA on the ankh, but no scare on his wrist. He was only in one picture and the chapstick could’ve fallen out while he was running out of the park.

The writer’s studied his crime drama formula: Suspect #1 leads to Suspect #2/Red Herring #1 leads to Suspect #3/Red Herring #2 back to Suspect #1/The Guilty Party.

So back to interrogation! Keith and Mac talk again. This time, Mac asks about the haven. We go back to Snow Queen’s initiation. Keith stares at Joseph’s intimate gestures, Snow Queen’s erotic reactions. Keith thinks Joseph stole her from him. He was disgusted by the Sanguine Vampires. Mac thinks he took out the frustration on Snow Queen, attacking her in the park. He bit her ear and set up Joseph. Keith insists he was trying to save her. He pleads ignorance. Mac doesn’t like it as an excuse.

Mac goes back to the park to talk with Mr. Sheffield. He gives him Snow Queen’s last pictures. Where did they put Fiona? Mr. Sheffield loves his daughter’s work and as Mac walks out of the park, he sees Snow Queen taking pictures as Keith gets his mug shot taken. When did this become Cold Case?

Next week: Danica Patrick?

It’s been a while since I’ve recapped CSI: NY—laptop woes and then I never just got around to it. But I’m back! This was a pretty good episode, even if it rips off CSI: Mothership and Lindsay was a bit lacking. Not even an explanation. But whoever did the visuals was great and really got the beauty of the city during the winter.

Quote of the Episode:

“I guess you guys don’t want NYPD tattooed on your arms, do you?” –Billy James to Flack and Hawkes.

Take Me Out to the Ballgame…

The year 2030: Future!Ted talks about how people deal with nerves. Barney imagines he’s being interviewed by famed sportscaster Jim Nance about his sport—seduction. This leads into Barney randomly pointing at a woman and running away as Robin walks in. Her date didn’t go so well, particularly since he’s obsessed with the Smurfs. Ted notes Barney’s already done. The next night, Barney goes after conquest #2 while Robin asks how she should deal with her date calling back. Ted says that as long as she doesn’t embarrass the guy in front of 26 students and 1 TA. Cut to: Ted’s first day of the new semester, where he is taking roll. He tells the class that they need to get some creativity as that their fake name is lame: Cook Poo. A young Oriental girl says “here” and continues to do so while Ted lectures about classic fake names. She eventually leaves in tears while Ted realizes it’s a real name. Back at MacLaren’s, the gang laughs.

Barney also imagines that when he’s not around, this is what the gang says:

Robin: “He was the best sex I ever had.”

Ted: “He’s the best friend I ever had.”

Lily: “He’s what I wish Marshall was.”

Marshall: “He’s what I wish I was.”

On the third night, Barney goes in for his kill while the others stay behind and watch. Lily and Marshall talk about how they are looking for another couple to date since they lost Barney and Robin. And Ted and STella. And Ted and Robin. And Ted and Victoria (who could still totally be the mom, right?). Which leads to our Exchange of the Episode (see below). Anyway, Lily and Marshall thought they had found the perfect couple when, after a story about the wife’s toothbrush, Marshall says the same thing happened to “our toothbrush.” Ted, Robin, and the couple are aghast to learn that they use the same toothbrush. I have to add: Eww.

Barney leaves, three for three. Ted notes that he’s on his way toward something…Marshall shushes him…Jim asks what that was. Barney replies, “I was heading for a perfect week.”

CREDITS!

Jim and Barney go over how perfect weeks end: Partner drops the ball (Ted spilling wine). A wrong suggestion. And distraction. On Day Four, Robin is still freaking out about not getting called back by her Gargamel-hating date. Ted is still upset that Cook didn’t return. The gang makes fun of her name again. Ted and Robin mock Lily and Marshall’s usage of one toothbrush. And they reveal they’ve been using one toothbrush since living with Ted. Ted is shocked, saying there was always just one toothbrush in the bathroom—his. He comes to the realization quickly and tries to clean his mouth with a napkin. I repeat: Eww.

On Day Five, they play the sports music while Ted munches on a hot dog and beer. Robin, Lily and Marshall join them. Marshall reveals that a big merger Barney was responsible for fell through and he was reamed out by the boss that day. Marshall reveals that Barney’s job is on the line and there was a big vote at the end of the week. Lily wants to go confront Barney about this but Ted blocks her. He goes in and helps Barney pick a girl to be Number 5. At the apartment, we learn that Day Six, he eventually picked up a hairdresser at a Staten Island’s Chili’s. I might know the one they’re talking about…Lily tells Barney that they know about his job. She then shouts “Perfect week” over and over until Barney leaves, hissing. Ted reveals that Cook is never coming back to class, Robin wishes her Smurf-loving date would call and Marshall is just reeling.

Jim interrupts to ask if Barney has ever used performance enhancing drugs. He says “no,” but has been offered. By poor Marshall who needed to run to the hospital.

On the Last Day, Lily cursed Barney. Just as he was about to close the deal, a member of the 2009 World Champion New York Yankees walks into MacLaren’s.

The gang is amazed that Nick Swisher walked into MacLaren’s. Robin doesn’t understand the appeal until Lily puts him into context using the Vancouver Canucks. “Barney’s screwed.” They comfort Barney before realizing that Barney’s perfect week was distracting them, Lily decides to go help Barney. Lily trips, intercepting Number Seven. Another girl though offers to get ice. So Marshall, Ted and Robin jump into Swisher’s booth and offer that Lily and Marshall share a toothbrush. Swisher finds that sweet, validating Marshall and Lily. I still think it’s gross. Robin pretends to understand baseball till Swisher admits he loves hockey. She offers: “I live right upstairs.”

Meanwhile, Barney scores Number Seven and everyone celebrates. The next day, Jim and Barney argue before Barney finds out that his job is safe. The gang celebrates at MacLaren’s, complete with hats that read “Seven in Seven Down.” Ted says that he’ll even tell his children about how Uncle Barney slept with seven women in seven days in a row. We cut to 2030: “I’m a bad dad, aren’t I?” I’m surprised the kids didn’t nod.

Tag: WENDY! Where have you been? Anyway, Wendy says there’s an order for Cook Poo while Ted is over the joke. He mocks the name and says it over. Poor Cook Poo is standing by the bar, ready to cry again.

Overall a good episode. I liked the sports analogies and was impressed they actually got a Yankee on the show. Too bad it wasn’t Texeira. I have his shirt!

Exchange of the Episode:

“Geez, Ted, when are you going to get your act together?”

“How did we end up here?”

--Marshall and Ted.