OUAT: Mean Girls Edition

Last time on “Once:” Mary Margaret and David did everything to stop the Queens of Darkness from raising Maleficent from being mostly dead. Of course, they failed. Meanwhile, Emma discovered Hook had a past with Ursula he was unwilling to discuss. Regina threatened Pinocchio for information about the book but then went to apologize to Marco for how she behaved. He helped her by giving her things he found with August’s motorcycle. In the Enchanted Forest, the Queens of Darkness enlist the Charmings’ help in asking Grandmother Willow the Tree of Wisdom for help in defeating Regina’s Dark Curse. But Snow’s pregnancy puts the kibosh on that. Later, Maleficent tells Snow she’s expecting too but Snow still refuses to help her. In Storybrooke, Mary Margaret confides in Regina that she and David did something that caused Maleficent to lose her baby. They then ask Regina to go undercover.

This can only end well, right?

(Well, that's ominous)

Regina heads toward Granny’s, where she finds the Queens of Darkness have broken in and are helping themselves to Granny’s booze. She tells Maleficent that she’s making it easier for the dragon to seek her revenge. After all, Regina did trap dragon!Maleficent under the library for almost 30 years. Surely she wants to seek her revenge. Maleficent considers this and then poofs herself right in front of Regina.

Can we also take a moment to appreciate Maleficent’s Storybrooke outfit:

I know someone people feel like she’s been given Zelena’s leftovers, but I think Kristin Bauer makes it work. She almost looks like she can be dropped in the middle of the Agent Carter set and no one would notice.

Maleficent though isn’t interested in getting revenge. She has better plans. Cruella warns her that Regina is hanging out with the heroes these days. Regina insists it’s not by choice and she wants into the Queens of Darkness. Maleficent hands her a shot and asks her if she’s still a bad girl. Regina downs it and then crushes Granny’s shot glass as she declares, “The worst!”

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Regina watches Snow ride her beloved horse from the stables. The walls are lined with awards that Snow has won. She rants to Rumplestiltskin, saying he hasn’t given her what she wants—the power to destroy Snow White. He tells her to be patient but Regina is out of that.

Regina pulls out a book and says she found amongst her mother’s things. She explains it belongs to Maleficent, who can turn into a dragon. Rumple is not impressed. Regina thinks she needs to find a new tutor and maybe Maleficent is it. So Rumple shows her Maleficent’s lands—decimated by her fire. There’s even a tree that’s constantly burning. Rumple poofs Regina there and she eagerly heads up to the castle.

(Look how excited she is!)

Now, she’s in the car with the Queens of Darkness. Cruella decides to test Regina. She stops on the tracks as a random train seems capable of coming through Storybrooke. The Queens tell her that the first person to poof them out of danger loses. The train gets closer and closer…Regina grows more concerned. Just as I expected her to poof herself out and then the other Queens following, she just poofs them all to the side of the road. She’s declared to be the weakest and Maleficent has to pay Cruella. At least Maleficent was supporting her friend? Anyway, Regina tells the Queens she has other plans to prove she is still the Evilest Thing to Evil in Storybrooke.

Meanwhile, Mary Margaret and David are getting worried. Emma asks why. So they explain that Regina is going undercover with the Queens of Darkness. Emma thinks that’s a terrible idea because she has common sense. She asks why Regina’s doing it and David lies that she volunteered. Emma asks when Regina’s supposed to check in. A concerned Mary Margaret reveals that it was a couple hours before. Everyone looks worried.

The next morning, Granny is on the warpath over the Queens of Darkness destruction. Hook warns everyone to stay out of there. The others try to figure out what happened to Regina, who is still MIA. Mary Margaret and David go looking for her.

In Henry’s only scene this episode, he continues looking for clues in the papers Marco gave Regina. He finds a drawing of a door with a note: “Author?” Hmm…

(It's a door!)

Mary Margaret and David find a smoking car, which David identifies as one of the sheriff’s. Mary Margaret asks what happened and Regina says that it’s the Queens of Darkness’ idea of a good time. She is visibly hungover and the Charmings ask her what happened. Regina’s like “Destruction of public property. I just told you.” When she fails to have any new information about the evil plan, the Charmings seem frustrated. Guys, she’s saving your asses. Be nicer. At least get her something for that hangover.

(Regina needs a hug)

The Queens of Darkness stumble back to the cabin they’re using as their base of operations. Gold is like “Where have you been?” They tell him that Regina is trying to infiltrate them, to spy on them for the heroes. Gold thinks they should let her and maybe they can turn her into a triple agent. Poor Regina. Maybe a sleeping curse would be best for her now. She could sleep through all this madness and then either Henry or Robin could wake her up.

Back in the Enchanted Forest, Regina has made it into Maleficent’s palace. She calls out for the sorceress and finds…Avril Lavigne. No, seriously. Didn’t Maleficent look like Avril Lavigne in these scenes? Because I thought she did. I mean, take a look:

Tell me they don’t look alike.

Maleficent is either drunk or high, but she stumbles through her palace and wonders why Regina is there. Regina explains about finding the book and wanting to learn about magic from her. Maleficent reveals she’s using a sleeping curse as a drug because that’s all it’s good for since that Briar Rose beat her by being awaken by true love’s kiss from King Stefan.

Regina’s like “But you can turn into a dragon. You’re seriously going to let this get you down?” She tries to rouse Maleficent into being evil again but the woman is not having it. She gets really close to Regina and seems really sweet with her—and thus a new ship was born, it would seem. Because even in that moment, I was chanting “Kiss, kiss, kiss.” And I’m an ardent Outlaw Queen shipper.

Anyway, Maleficent sends Regina on her way. It seems Regina hasn’t learned how to magic herself to other places and is trying to return to the palace on foot. But it allows her to learn that Aurora, Stefan and Briar Rose’s daughter, is getting married to Prince Phillip. Regina gets and idea and turns around.

Regina cleans up her vault as Maleficent pays her a visit. She apologizes that the Queens didn’t stay to help her clean. Regina lobs a barb about them needing more beauty sleep then her before admitting that she’s not feeling so great. Maleficent offers her something that can help and holds out two white pills. Regina eyes them but Maleficent swears that they are only aspirin. All together now:

Maleficent says that she’s going to tell Regina what the Queens of Darkness are after: The Author, just like her. They want to get their happy endings as well. She tells Regina that they have one more test for her and it’ll be that night.

(Regina realizes how deep she's getting)

So Regina goes to the library to meet with the Charmings. Except they also bring Emma and Hook along as well. Regina’s not too thrilled since this is supposed to be covert. Mary Margaret says they were all worried for her. Especially Emma, who knows how bad going undercover can go. And Regina doesn’t have the training. Regina says she’s fine and tells them that the Queens are looking for the Author. She’s almost in. Emma says then she’s going in too—she’ll be Regina’s shadow. The Charmings are probably really regretting bringing her along now.

(Hail, hail, the gang's all here)

That night, Will and Belle are on a date to Granny’s. She’s trying to convince him to try a slice of chocolate cake and he’s staring at it like it’ll bite him. Dude, it’s chocolate cake. It’s fine, just fattening. Give it a try.

(It's delicious, Will. Not dangerous)

Hook, though, crashes their date. He and Will confirm to Belle that they have a tense relationship before Hook pulls her away. He tells her about the Queens of Darkness and then asks about the Dark One’s dagger. Belle fears they may go after it and Hook validates those fears. He then asks her if it’s safe. When she confirms it is, he says she still needs to move it. Move it somewhere Gold and the Queens would never think to look. She agrees.

Back in the past, Regina returns to Maleficent and tells her about Aurora’s wedding. Maleficent is like “So?” Regina tells her that this is her chance to get her old spark back and get revenge on Stefan and Briar Rose. She can ruin their beloved daughter’s wedding. Maleficent still isn’t impressed. Regina shows off some of her magic and Maleficent tells her to go home. But Regina convinces her that she just needs to take in the fire from her burning bush and she’ll get everything back.

Regina waits outside the library, the wind whipping her hair around. I don’t know if someone was standing off screen with a fan or if it was the weather so everyone just rolled with it, but it adds to the scene. 

(Wind action strong)

She spots Maleficent, who says that the test isn’t in the library. Cruella’s car pulls up and Maleficent says its enchanted to drive itself. To borrow a quote from the movie in my title: Get in loser, you’re going a quest.

Emma follows Cruella’s enchanted car by using the GPS locator on Regina’s phone. However, she does a horrible job of keeping a good distance so as not to raise any suspicions in Maleficent. And she was worried about Regina going undercover and blowing it? Really? Emma’s more a liability than an asset at this point.

The car stops outside Marco’s workshop. Maleficent reveals they are going to ask Pinocchio for more information about the Author. Regina says she already barked up that tree and there was nothing there. Pinocchio lost all his memories from his time as August. Maleficent says Regina was asking the wrong questions and so she’s going to kidnap Pinocchio. Regina hesitates which Maleficent takes as a sign that she’s not really evil. Or at least that’s how she pushes Regina. I have to think that because Maleficent was Regina’s only friend in the Enchanted Forest. Even she would have to know about Regina’s soft spot for children.

Past!Maleficent gets back into her all black get up—complete with horns—and stands in front of her burning bush. She gives Regina an uncertain look but Regina cheers her on. With a giant breath, Maleficent takes all the fire back into her body. They wait for a minute, wondering if it worked.

Time for a trial run! King Jerry Jacks Stefan appears with some soldiers to make certain Maleficent didn’t come to ruin Aurora’s wedding. (PS: I’m a General Hospital watcher, so I’m calling Stefan Jerry Jacks from here on in). Maleficent tries to take him on, but she can’t become a dragon and she can’t breathe fire. It looks like Regina was wrong. King Jerry Jacks has them all taken prisoners, even though he should probably realize that Regina is married to King Leopold.

(All hail King Jerry Jacks!)

Regina walks into Marco’s and after greeting father and son, she places them under a sleeping spell. Emma sneaks in after her and asks her what she’s doing. She says that Regina can’t kidnap Pinocchio and should pull out. Regina reasons that the Queens want the boy so it’s better if she’s there to protect him. She…actually makes some sense.

So Regina puts Pinocchio in Cruella’s car and bundles him up. Maleficent tells her to get back in the car and Regina pulls out her phone. Uh oh. She’s going to do something to throw Emma off, isn’t she?

Meanwhile, Belle joins up with Hook in an empty field. They decide to bury the dagger. But Belle gets a thought: What if Rumple is already in Storybrooke? Maybe he’s standing right beside you because that’s clearly not Hook. Rumple knew Hook had beef with Will, so it looked real. Anyway, “Hook” suggests that Belle try to summon the Dark One. She does so and Hook looks at her, so he obeys. It just wasn’t enough to strip him of his disguise.

They drop the dagger into the hole. “Hook” then makes Belle take a pirate oath to never discuss this with anyone. Not even himself. She agrees and runs off, hopefully to finally show Will that chocolate cake is delicious and not terrifying. Seriously, man. Anyway, “Hook” turns into Rumple (surprise, surprise, not) and he takes his dagger.

(Now he's Hook...)

(Now he's Rumple...)

Uh oh.

Let’s check in with Young Regina and Past!Maleficent. They have been taken prisoners and Regina says she’s not going to just lie down and take it. Maleficent thinks she’s slightly insane. But Regina uses her little magic to undo her binds. She then attacks King Jerry Jacks and his guards. But her magic isn’t powerful enough to sustain a full on fight. She appears to be doomed.

Maleficent decides to help her new friend and she gets her groove back. Fire, dragon, taking down King Jerry Jacks—the whole nine years. The Port Charles PD should look into getting her next time Jerry decides to blow something up or kidnap Alexis. Regina gets to ride dragon!Maleficent as they make for Maleficent’s castle.

(She's flying!)

Louis, I think this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

Emma realizes that Regina shook her off. She races out of Marco’s workshop to find Regina’s phone on the ground. It says “I got this.” For Regina’s sake, I hope so.

(I really, really do)

Anyway, let’s finish up “How Regina and Maleficent Became Best Friends.”

Back at her palace, Maleficent is absolutely giddy. She’s back and she thanks Regina for it. Regina tells her to go ruin Aurora’s wedding anyway—the cherry on her cake. Maleficent agrees and they both go pay a visit to the princess.

Everyone, say hi again to Sarah Bolger. Aurora gets ready for her wedding when she spies Maleficent in her room. She argues with the sorceress and says Maleficent will be defeated again. But Maleficent grabs her, sticking her with the sleeping potion. Aurora crumples down as Maleficent puts her on her couch. Oh, yes, Maleficent is back.

Regina returns to the palace and Rumple finds her next to Snow’s prized pony, which seems to be taking a nap. And it will do so for the next 100 years, thanks to Maleficent’s sleeping curse. Rumple is happy his student is back, meaning his plans to get to Neal are back on track. Though I must admit, it seemed strange that Regina would do something to the horse to me. She loves horses, but I guess a sleeping curse isn’t too bad in the grand scheme of curses.

Regina and Maleficent bring Pinocchio to the cabin, where Regina is reunited with Gold. He invites her to stay for the torture session. Regina has to restrain herself from killing Gold over suggesting hurting a child. Especially because Gold isn’t planning on torturing Pinocchio. He’s going to torture August. Because he manages to undo the spell that turned August back into Pinocchio. Welcome back, Eion Bailey!

(We've missed you)

I absolutely love Maleficent and Regina as friends. I hope we get to keep Kristin Bauer around in some capacity next season. Maleficent is a good addition to the show. I don’t think she’s going to become a regular (I think Sean Maguire is) for season 5.

I knew Eion Bailey was going to return—it was announced. But it sounded like he was coming back for flashbacks only. So his reappearance makes the rumors I’ve heard about later episodes seem more plausible. Hmm…

Next time: Ursula’s backstory! And this:

Screen caps from here. 

Also, you can see the results of the Queens of Darkness poll. Looks like Regina won!