The Twin Cities: Chicago and Toronto?

Future!Ted discusses how Robin sometimes reveals she’s Canadian: not minding the cold, speaking weird (complete with subtitles) and Robin hanging out at the Hoser Hut. Robin tells him that the Great White North is great. Barney performs an experiment. He starts chanting “USA USA.” MacLaren’s joins in. Robin swears people will chant anything and chants “Canada Canada.” Nothing. Barney tries again with “Shrimp Fried Rice.” MacLaren’s follows suit. Ted comes in and delivers some bad news: their favorite pizza joint is closing. And where is their favorite pizza joint? Chicago. They used to take long non-stop car trips to get the pizza, complete with beef jerky and Tantrum—the most caffeinated soda now banned by the FDA. They leave in the morning.

Credits!

Ted is psyched for the trip and the can of Tantrum he already drank may have something to do with it. He tells Barney he is excited because this trip will just be him and Marshall. Ever since the wedding, Marshall and Lily have morphed into one being called “we.” Barney could care less. Robin comes out and reveals that some guy she got into a little disagreement with at the Hoser Hut is suing her. Just because she broke his nose! She faces deportation and her lawyer advises her to gain American citizenship. She’s hesitant to renounce her Canandian-ness while Barney is all for the idea. He offers to help her study for the citizenship test.

Meanwhile, an overly caffeinated Marshall comes in and rips up a phone book. He’s pumped for their road trip but then Ted learns that Lily is coming. She warns Ted that she has to pee a lot. And in between clips of Ted and Marshall singing “5000 Miles” in 1999, we see that every little thing sets her off. This is even funnier because it’s almost like traveling with my sister and mother. Ted thinks it couldn’t get worse until Lily breaks out a book on tape about a dog. It’s narrated by Kenny Rogers and made Elizabeth Hasselbeck cry.

Back at the apartment, Barney tosses aside the traditional citizenship test for more “American” questions. He pulls out a picture and Robin identifies the person as Queen Elizabeth I. Barney tells her no, it’s Elton John. He shows her a picture of curling, which she starts to explain. Barney interrupts and tells her the right explanation is that it’s dumb, who cares. They continue on until Robin correctly identifies Jefferson as Archie Bunker’s neighbor. She identifies a picture of the star of the Ernest movies as Jeff Foxworthy. Shocked, Barney tells her it’s Jim Varney. Robin stands her ground, insulting Barney in the process. He tells her she is now truly an American and salutes her.

After a billion rest stops, Marshall and Lily drag Ted to Crumpet Manor. It’s a bed and breakfast for couples. The events coordinator is even a little unsure what to do with Ted, asking if he likes to sit on benches. After coming back from the wishing well (his wish didn’t come true—he’s still in Crumpet Manor), Marshall and Lily morph into some weird two-headed blob that wants to take a cornmeal bath. Ted is freaked out and decides to lay off the Tantrum.

Back in New York, Robin walks down the street—an American swagger in her steps. She lands outside the Hoser Hut and debates going in for a drink. She decides to and ends up singing “O! Canada!” as if it were “Danny Boy” with a bunch of Canadians.

At Crumpet Manor, Ted invites Marshall to go on a beer run while Lily sleeps. They get in the car, Marshall still in his bathrobe. As Ted gets on the highway, Marshall wonders where this beer run is going. Ted replies “Chicago.”

Barney finds Robin in a trashed hotel room. She asks what happened. Barney replies that Robin went Canadian the night before. How Canadian you ask? He opens the blinds to reveal—a cement building. Robin didn’t even check into a hotel with a view. He reveals
the moment is ruined, but Robin is in Toronto. He flew across the Atlantic (“Barney, Canada isn’t across the Atlantic.”) after she called him. He says he’ll sober her up and get her back to New York in time for the citizenship test. Robin tells Barney she isn’t going to take the test because she can’t just give up her Canadian citizenship. She’s Canadian. He still takes her for coffee.

Meanwhile, Ted and Marshall arrive at the “it’s amazing it’s still open despite obvious health code violations” pizza joint. Even the owner is impressed they’re still open. Marshall can’t enjoy the pizza though because he’s afraid of Lily’s reaction to their leaving her. Ted tells Marshall that all he wanted was a bro trip, just them because he’s tired of the “we.” Marshall storms out after a hilarious scene with keys and Marshall bending down. Still in the robe.

At a Tim Horton’s, Robin pays for coffee as the cashier asks her about the came in an exaggerated Canadian accent. Robin asks what game and after an explanation, says she must’ve missed it. The cashier says Robin must be America—uses American money, hardly an accent, didn’t say “please or thank you…” Robin is confused and takes her coffee. Barney makes fun of their money as they take a seat. Robin is lost—she feels like a woman without a country. She’s not American and she’s not Canadian. Barney stands up and tells the Canadians two things: One, to get some real money. Two, that if they were going to let an amazing woman like Robin get away, they were morons. He then tells them to go back to being pointless. A posse starts up, complete with a little kid barricading the door with his hockey stick.

In the car, Ted and Marshall listen to the rest of the dog story. It parallels Ted and Marshall’s story—how the dog felt left out when his owner married, how the owner had to remember to make time to be with just the dog, but no matter what the owner loved the dog, etc. Ted and Marshall apologize—Ted for the kidnapping, Marshall for bringing Lily along. Their bromance is intact. They go for some Van Halen but decide to listen to the dog story again.

Barney and Robin return to the United States with Barney in crutches. He’s sorta impressed with Canadian health care. Robin tells him that she’s going to get dual citizenship. He approves.

Back at Crumpet Manor, turns out Lily was too busy being pampered to miss the guys. And she doesn’t mind that she didn’t get to go Chicago. Especially later when Marshall and Ted suffer stomach aches from the pizza they consumed.

Tag: Ted and Marshall drive back home, pumped up on Tantrum. Lily even drank some, but she’s not in the car. She’s hanging on to the roof, screaming “Tantrum!”

Quote of the Episode:

“I am going to drill you. Then we’ll study.”—Barney, offering to help Robin study.

So, is there anything you would drive all night for? And honestly, who would leave New York to drive all the way to Chicago for pizza? And I’d like to state for the record: I love Canada, especially Quebec. Doesn’t mean my French class didn’t start singing “Blame Canada” after spotting a “USA Sucks” sign though.