Nothing Remains Secret in High School

And “The Secret Life of the American Teenager” is back! In case you forgot: Amy is pregnant by manwhore Ricky, who is trying to win over good girl cheerleader Grace, who dumped Jack because he cheated on her with Adrian who had an on again-off again relationship with Ricky, Amy’s parents are in marital strife, Amy falls for Ben who proposes, Ashley wants out of her family, Adrian is being transferred by her dad, Grace learns George didn’t cheat on her mother, it was the other way around, and we still don’t know where Mr. Medina went. Phew. One sentence!

Molly Ringwald and Amy share a “good morning” as Amy orders a delicious breakfast. Molly says it sounds good and says Amy could make it. She uses the “I’m pregnant” excuse which Molly turns around to explain Amy will have to take care of the baby. Apparently, Amy hasn’t really thought about how the baby will throw a monkey-wrench into her life. Molly says she needs to get a job as Amy’s Dad comes in asking for food for “Grandpa.” Amy says he’ll have to get it himself and stalks off.

Meanwhile, Molly and Amy’s Dad talks about finances. Molly kicks him out, reiterates she wants a divorce and corrects him that she didn’t complete a bachelor’s in philosophy but women’s studies.

CREDITS!

Amy goes out for breakfast, which is where Ben meets her. We must’ve done a time jump because now Amy is sixth months along and not really showing. Amy asks Ben to marry her and now it is Ben who is the voice of reason. Amy says they have to elope using fake IDs. Ben wants his dad there but Amy shoots that down. Amy says they should get married tonight. And Ben goes back to his idealistic, romantic self and agrees. Unfortunately, neither knows where to get a fake ID.

Tom is begging Grace to call Adrian. She says no and they talk for a bit about Ricky, their parents and Jennifer Coolidge. Josie Bisset shoots him down over Jennifer Coolidge and then asks to talk to Grace. She sets Grace right, saying that she didn’t cheat on Amy’s Dad with John Schneider but someone else. And she married Amy’s Dad just to have sex and get away from her uber-strict Mom. Apparently, John Schneider find out about the whole cheating thing and left, but Josie’s sure he’ll come back. And then says both Tom and Grace can date.

Adrian and her mother clean and talk, mostly about Adrian’s transfer. Adrian doesn’t want to leave her school, a good magnet school though her mother doesn’t think Adrian have good friends. Adrian pleads with her mother to talk to her father. She stalls but Adrian talks her into it and, though she denies it, seems to hope her mom and dad will get back together.

Grace calls Ricky, who is getting his license…Why does that scare me? Oh, wait, he’s getting a fake idea from that random hallway kid. Ricky invites Grace to Amy and Ben’s wedding. Apparently, they got their fake IDs from Random Hallway Kid and he tells Ricky where to go.

Oh, and my sister and I want to see BrideWars. Anne Hathaway and Kate Hudson together—this looks good.

And we’re back. Amy’s going through her closet as Ashley comes in. She tells her Amy’s Dad is moving out. Ashley’s trying to plan to keep him in the house. They argue over the baby and her mom. Then Amy tells her it is her wedding day. Ashley thinks it is all a joke. When she realizes Amy is serious, Ashley tries to talk some sense into her sister. Ashley agrees to get the fake ID after Amy promises to tell her their Dad’s new address.

At the school, when Random Hallway Kid reveals he gave the “groom” a discount, Amy freaks out. No one is supposed to know. Boy, those two are going to be surprised. Molly comes in, scaring the two. They talk about jobs, the baby, insurance and stuff I’m worrying about (sans baby). And they talk about Dad. Ben and Henry walk in. Ben introduces Henry to Molly as his “best man,” which everyone laughs off. Henry asks Ashley if she’d want to go to Ben’s house for a movie. They agree on seven. Molly is severally confused.

Ben and Henry get his picture taken. They worry about how they will get there. Jack volunteers to drive them, even to the reception. Ben hadn’t thought about a reception. He asks Henry to think of something, which Henry asks if Ben wants a real wedding. Ben agrees but says later, in a few years.

Outside, Lauren and her brother drive up to where Madison is washing cars. Lauren says that Ricky told her about Amy and Ben’s wedding. They wonder why Amy didn’t tell them and Jason accurately points out that they can’t keep a secret to save their lives. They get fake IDs. Adrian drives up to the car wash and is told about Amy’s wedding. She worries that Ricky is marrying Amy, so she calls Grace. Grace freaks out that it is their first date, he can’t be getting married. She and Adrian get fake IDs and information.

Meanwhile, the three Jurgens girls are sitting in the car. Molly opens the garage to find her soon-to-be-ex is living in the garage. She is not too happy.

Amy’s Dad and Molly argue over the garage. He clearly didn’t understand what “women’s studies” means. He wants to be near his girls, he argues, he doesn’t have the money. Molly is suspicious about where the money went. They continue to argue over the garage.

Adrian comes home to see her mother all dressed up. They are going to dinner with the father. Adrian tries to get out of it, mostly to get her parents alone and go to the wedding. Adrian’s mom tells her to lay off the matchmaking plans or else Dad will clam up. Adrian agrees and tells her mom about the wedding. Mom asks if Adrian is going with Ricky and Adrian says she’s going stag.

Back at the Bowmans’, Tom has a date which Josie is a third wheel. Tom delicately tells mom to buzz off. Tom introduces his date, Tammy, to Ricky. They invite themselves on Ricky and Grace’s date to Amy’s wedding. Speaking of, the wedding party is watching Molly and Amy’s Dad duke it out for the garage. They leave.

Tom and Tammy are kissing as Grace parents them at the wedding chapel. Grace is really annoyed. Tom then parents Grace and Ricky. Madison and Lauren sit, wearing identical yellow dresses. They talk about how fake their fake IDs are as Adrian walks in, wearing a barely there pink dress. Jack walks in with Alice, talking about the weddings. She is stressing about Henry but then she and Jack kiss. Go figure. Henry and Ashley walk, Henry flirting with Ashley. I love Ashley’s outfit. Albert, the owner, comes out to talk to them—assuming they are the happy couple. Ashley corrects him. Amy and Ben come in—ah, now she’s showing. But it’s a lovely white dress she is wearing. Albert heads in as Ben asks for a minute with Amy.

Ben says he wants to get married but asks if they should call for their parents. She says no, saying it is about them—not their parents. I hope they get a reaction shot when the doors open. And they do. They are upset but Ben calms her down. But they go down the aisle. Albert starts the wedding ceremony as Henry hands them the ring. Amy says she’ll marry Ben, Ben says he’ll marry Amy, my sister and I are waiting for SOMETHING to happen…And they are married. Everyone claps. Tom and Tammy stand up, saying they are next.

Looks like the series has hit its stride—finally. I guess the writers spent their hiatus talking to real teenagers. I do hope John Schneider comes back soon…oh, look, he does. Wait, why is Amy hugging Ricky? And where is Mr. Medina?

Quote of the episode:
Amy: “Whose side are you on?”
Ashley: “Dad’s.”