Fun Fact: Brooklyn is the Fifth Largest City in the US!

This episode, Sam comes close to my home sweet home—she visits the next borough over: Brooklyn!

How sweet it is!

Sam apparently lives in Brooklyn as well.

Friday afternoon: Sam hits Coney Island. I’m going to do the Cyclone one of these days. No matter how rickety and old and ready to collapse it is. Sam goes to visit Nathan’s to have her first Nathan’s hot dog. Really? After my grandmother’s funeral, my great-aunt stopped at Nathan’s to have a “dawg” in her honor. And yes, that is actually how we say it. It’s not gangsta or imitating Randy Jackson. It’s just how New Yorkers talk. Sam then visits an old fashion freak show. She gets to admire a real handle-bar mustache. He responds he always wanted to tie a woman to the railroad tracks. Awesome. He puts a nail in his nose and…eww…I can’t watch. I can’t. He’s followed by a snake dancer (no, not Britney) and a sword swallower. Madame Electra is called to the stage. Turns out—it’s Sam. He puts Sam in an electric chair. And of course everyone wants her to get zapped. Sam is able to light up a light bulb and ignite a torch. Sam worries about her hair around open flames. She takes a bow as the crowd goes wild.

Coming up: She offends a Brooklynite. Quick! Troll the East River!

Saturday morning: Sam heads down under the Manhattan Bridge to DUMBO, a place for the bohemians. She meets Tom, an artist who makes art from trash. And ladies and gentlemen, the reason I dislike modern art immensely. Sam helps him collect trash from the streets. Not so hard in New York, honestly. Sam finds a hat and Tom says they always do photoshoots in DUMBO because of the view of the city. Sam decides to go get a pizza from Grimaldi’s. I’ve heard some very good things about this parlor. Right now, I’ll stick to my pizza places in Staten Island. After all, we’re where all the Brooklynites come anyway! Especially since Grimaldi’s comes with an hour’s wait. Sam makes nice with some girls who have a picnic basket—and sanitary wipes. Sam says she never uses a fork and knife on pizza. Don’t get one in Italy, then, as they don’t eat pizza with their hands. She and Tom enjoy their pizza and beer.

Coming up: Sam shares some of her secrets.

Saturday afternoon: Sam goes shopping in Park Slope. She goes to Flight 001 for travel goods. She shows some of the great products—including a book for you to point things you want to people in other countries. I think I need to hit that store before my next major trip. She then goes to Cobble Hill for desserts! At One Girl--Where the cookies are named after girls! Two little girls ask for lemon cookies and are adorable. Sam talks about the property costs in Brooklyn as she walks around Brooklyn Heights, the swanky neighborhood. And I’ll tell you—it is. Sam points out Arthur Miller’s brownstone, the house Truman Capote wrote “In Cold Blood” and “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” Sam then goes to her favorite bar with her friends. They talk about alternate side of the street parking. Guess what Staten Island doesn’t have? Alternate side of the street parking. It’s heavenly.

Coming up: Dog park! And Sam’s boyfriend? Really? We get to see what he looks like?

Sunday morning: Sam goes to her favorite park, Prospect Park. Which includes hours that dog owners can let their dogs run free. Sam talks to someone who runs a doggie day care as she yells for them. Sam helps leash some of the dogs.

Sunday afternoon: Sam and husband Kevin go on a dinner date at The River Cafe. They are on Fulton Street, facing Fulton Street. He’s the Brooklynite, born and raised. He seems great. And as they end with dessert, my DVR stopped recording.

C’est la vie!

Many people forget that New York City is made up of more than just Manhattan. The other four boroughs have a lot to offer, if you know where to look and how to find it. Often, it takes meeting a native to know how to do that. And believe it or not, so get off Manhattan and visit the outer boroughs!

Where Are They Now: The Legally Blonde Edition

Oh wow! I realized I let this blog’s anniversary pass without any acknowledgment! I’ve made it to two years! Thanks to all those who’ve read and commented over the years.

When this blog started on June 9, 2008, the very first show I recapped was MTV’s talent search “Legally Blonde the Musical: The Search for the Next Elle Woods.” Ten girls from across the country were chosen to compete to be the next Elle Woods in the Broadway production of “Legally Blonde the Musical” once original star Laura Bell Bundy left. Hosted by Haylie Duff (Hilary’s sister), the Elle-wannabes were trained by the ahmahzing Seth Rudetsky and performed each week for Paul Canaan (a Legally Blonde ensemble member), Bernard Telsey (casting director) and Heather Hach (librettist). In the end, the final battle was between Bailey Hanks and Autumn Hurlburt as they performed for not only the judges, but for their families and director/choreographer Jerry Mitchell. Bailey was chosen the ultimate winner and assumed the role the day after the final episode aired on MTV.

The show closed shortly after.

And now I’m revisiting my first recapping venture with an update on our finalists!

Both Bailey and Autumn have been busy on the stage side of things but they will be starring together in an upcoming concert of Maury Yeston’s (Nine) “Titanic.” The show will be performed on June 21st for the New York Society for Ethical Culture. Their exact roles haven’t been defined but the cast calls for many characters, so it is likely they are playing a character and not just part of the ensemble.

Pictures of the two in rehearsal can be find here at Playbill Online.

Break a leg, girls!

Relaxing in the Land of Enchantment

It’s time for rest and relaxation with Samantha Brown!

Just like the dude ranch episode, this is a repeat of an earlier episode. At the rate I’m going, I may be able to recap all of Sam’s Great Weekends!

This time, we’re in Santa Fe, NM.

Friday afternoon: Sam decides to go for a hot air balloon ride. I give her credit. My fear of heights would probably prevent me from getting off the ground. But that is one great way to see the city and the landscape. Her tour guide shows her five inactive volcanoes on one side and the Rio Grande on the other. It reminds me of the time we flew to Disney (I know, I know, which time, right?) and the pilot came over the loudspeaker. He said if we looked out to our right, we could see the Washington Monument. If we looked out to our left, we could see Hurricane Floyd! Of course, we were several miles away from the hurricane so in no danger, but it’s a bit unnerving and awe-inspiring to look out an airplane window and see the arms of a hurricane. It’s an image I’ll always remember.

My trip down memory lane is complete and so is Sam’s balloon ride! She touches down somewhere near Albuquerque.

Friday evening: Sam hitches a ride back to Santa Fe to take in the art scene. She walks down Canyon Road, just lined with art galleries and parties. Sam arrives to one where they already finished the cheese. She even meets one of the artists as she admires his glasswork. Sam decides to try her hand at art—namely pottery. Sam makes her own bowl.

Saturday morning: Sam trades in her jogging shoes for a bike helmet. She goes biking along Santa Fe trails, enjoying the smell of sage as she climbs uphill. She heads away from the city and into the mountains, enjoying the view of the Rockies’ southern most point.

Coming up: Dance lessons and New Age things?

Saturday afternoon: Sam talks about the Spanish influence on the city and goes to get a Flamenco lesson. Sam jokes that the people in the apartment below her are going to love her new skills as she learns the different feet sounds in the dance. She then moves on to the fan part of the dance. Once they add the music, Sam gets the feel of the dance and does well. Sam decides to explore some of Santa Fe’s alternative healers. Also known as New Age stuff. She goes to Louisa, a medicine man. Er, woman. Louisa invites many spirits and ancestors into the room, which seems to take a while. She then takes a drum to play…What tribe is Louisa associated with? She then gives a reading. She tells Sam to continue to do her shows. I agree!

Sam then goes to visit Millie, who uses color therapy. Okay. She plays different tones for Sam, who hopes to cure her altitude headache. It does lull Sam into a sleeplike state, you know the one where you’re between sleep and being awake?

Next: Sam hits the bar and the hot tub.

Sam is staying in the Inn of the Five Graces. It looks beautiful, with mosaics and beautiful patterned sheets. Sam lies on her bed, enjoying the view of both her room and the outside.

Saturday evening: Sam goes to the Pink Adobe, the restaurant by her hotel. She particularly goes to the Dragon Room, the establishment’s bar. The barkeep makes her a martini and lets her assist. She raises a glass with everyone sitting at the bar and enjoys her drink. Sam then takes a shot of tequila. Did that last week. Three of them. And it turns out the Pink Adobe is haunted and the barkeep had an experience. He was alone in the restaurant and heard a woman say “Look at me” but there was no one there. Sam asks if he was scared before saying that the next time he tells the story, he should start with “It was a dark and stormy night…”

How cliché, but we’ll forgive her.

Coming up: SPA!

Sunday morning: Goes to a Ten Thousand Spa, Sam gets into the hot tub. Today, everyone is in bathing suits because of the cameras but usually the women are au naturel. Sam decides to take the plunge—into the icy water tub. After that shock to her system, Sam goes to get some treatment with basalt stones. Sam finishes her weekend in Santa Fe in her own private bath.

Now that’s what I call pampering yourself! Another great weekend for anyone who wants to press the reset button.

Start Your Horse and Come Along…

Anyone else remember the old show “Hey Dude”? Aired on Nickelodeon around 1990? Starred David Lascher and Christine Taylor (AKA Mrs. Ben Stiller)? Took place on a dude ranch…

From the East Coast, Sam is westward bound as she goes to Wyoming.

Oh hey, this is from when the show was still known as “Passport to Great Weekends” so we’re doing an early show.

Sam heads to Shell, Wyoming for a dude ranch there. The town’s population? Fifty. Well, that must’ve been very easy to count for the 2010 Census. Don’t have to bother with the mail-in questionnaire or enumerators. Just have one person stand there, gather everyone to one spot and just count heads on April 1st! Anyway, Sam says that she’ll be spending this weekend living out that old cowgirl fantasy you know you all had…particularly during that “I want a pony” phase every girl goes through. (You know, somewhere after the “I want to be a ballerina phase” and before you discovered boy bands/teen idols. May coincide with the “I want to be a princess phase” because every princess has her own horse. Duh). She’ll even be in a rodeo!

Friday morning: Sam watches Sean wrangle some horses. He shows her how it’s done, with Sam bonding with a horse. Sean calls what the horse does next a “tickle,” Sam determines it was a sneeze. Sam takes the horse out anyway for a cattle drive. Stuart tells Sam that they are moving the cattle to another location for fresh grass and water. They herd the cattle along some beautiful landscapes that spring to mind when someone says “The (American) West.” Sam learns herding cattle is hard as cows don’t always do what the cowboys want and it’s a hard ride. She’s placed in charge of the little cows as she orders one back to it’s mother like it’s a child who has decided to wander away in the mall. We get some shots of…Are those the Painted Hills?

(No, they aren’t. The National Park Service website confirms that the Painted Hills are actually in Oregon. I just learned something!)

Sam and the cowboys leave the cattle to enjoy the watering hole but the cowboys head home as there’s a storm a-brewing.

Friday night: Sam decides to treat herself for a job well done and goes to Cody to eat at Cassie’s Supper Club, which has a sign proclaiming that gambling and loose women are allowed into the establishment. Cute. Sam finds out that Cassie’s was opened in 1922…But as a brothel. No wonder they let in loose women! But now it’s gone back on the right side of the laws and has a dance floor. Sam takes a few spins on the dance floor. She asks if they do the Macarena and the residents stare at her. Sam thinks it’s because no one knows how to do it. I think it’s in horror that she would even suggest doing that dance! It died as 1996 came to a close for a reason!

Coming up: Sam, smoke and a rodeo!

Saturday morning: Sam shovels the manure and learns the proper procedure, which I’m sure she’ll use next time she has to shovel out of a snowstorm. Once the stables are clean, she goes to visit Jared to learn how to shoe a horse. Sam straddles a horse’s leg as Jared shows her how to pull off a shoe. In the end, he gives her a little hand. He shows her how to clean out the dirty and tells Sam the horse doesn’t feel a thing. The horse seems to agree. Jared throws the shoe in an oven and goes back to get another shoe. When the oven dings, Jared hammers it a bit and then BURNS it on to the horse’s hoof. Sam comments that she hasn’t been in a room filled with so much smoke since college. Ahh, dorm life. I love the looks I get when people realize I recognize the smell of pot. But the fact I dormed explains EVERYTHING.

Saturday afternoon: Sam goes river rafting! Even if the river is a balmy 46 degrees. She enjoys the scenery before being pulled into a white rafter. Sam moans the lack of beer before getting entirely soaked.

Coming up: Preparing for that rodeo.

Saturday afternoon: They put Sam on kitchen detail. The chef makes her draw but she drops her ice cream scooper. She helps Chris cut up steaks for that night’s barbecue. She also mashes some potato while the other chefs watch her. This segues into…

Saturday evening: Everyone at the ranch gathers round to enjoy Sam’s dinner. She meets some people from New Jersey, just across the river from Sam in New York. They enjoy the scenery as the sun sets.

Sunday morning: Sam gets rodeo lesson from Jim and Buster. They teach her the lasso on a stationary plastic steer. She almost manages to lasso a steer but is still just shy of her mark.

Coming up: The Rodeo!

Sunday afternoon: Sam heads back to Cody, Rodeo Capital of the World. It’s rodeo is 70 years old! There is bull riding, lassoing and barrel racing—a woman’s sport. So that will be Sam’s competition. She is coached by seven-year old Cindy, who lets Sam ride her horse. Cindy doesn’t seem seven. Are you sure Cindy isn’t really ten? They set up the barrels and out of the gate, one contest completes it in seventeen seconds. Sam heads out of the gate on Starlight. She trots around a barrel, two barrels and around the third barrel. She gallops back home in 30.03 seconds. Sam lets Starlight bring her to the bar.

Apparently an oldie, but a goodie. While I’m not much of an outdoors-girl, so a weekend at a dude ranch may not be my ideal weekend. But even this city slicker needs to escape into the wilderness every so often and the views in Wyoming looked beautiful. The West still intrigues, excites and challenges America. Forget space, we’re still not done with that frontier!

Exchange of the Episode:

“That’s the best mash potatoes ever.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re not doing any of the work.” –The chefs and Sam.

Islands of Cape Cod

There once was a Sam who visited Nantucket…and she loved it! Then she went to Martha’s Vineyard…and didn’t know who to give the reward!

Phew.

Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket are New England island vacation spots and therefore rivals. Sam approaches Martha’s Vineyard via boat, saying that is the larger of the two islands. She is dropped off by an old Methodist ground, filled with dollhouses. It’s a bit creepy. A family welcomes her on to their porch. They let her in and it looks like a dollhouse on the inside. These houses were built from the tents the Methodists used to stay in for their summer revival meetings. Sam asks the owner about Nantucket, and he recalls how during the 60s, the people in Nantucket used to meet the people coming off the boats. If they looked like hippies and didn’t have a place to stay, they were sent back on the boat.

Sam goes to a local ice cream store which sells…lobster ice cream. Eww. And there are real chunks of lobster in it. Sam tries it and has to chew it a bit. Sam then hops in a car to catch the sunset at the Outermost Inn. It had an exquisite view and Sam enjoys it while she chows down.

Sam wonders what they are doing in Nantucket.

Coming up: Wind-surfing goes wrong and Sam jumps to Nantucket.

Saturday morning: Sam decides to forgo the popular beaches to go visiting inland. She visits a farm along with several children who are learning about farm work. Sam gets to milk a goat before hitching a ride on a trailer. She talks with some of the children on the trailer as they head to feed the cows. After that, Sam goes to learn how to wind surf. Sam asks for her producer to see why they thought she could learn it in an hour. They put Sam out in the water and she wipes out. She wonders if they shot a scene from Jaws in this lagoon as they play a variation of the Jaws theme. The instructor confirms sharks could swim into the waters by Martha’s Vineyard and the fear keeps Sam on her board.

Next: Trash talking in Nantucket!

Saturday afternoon: Sam travels via ferry to Nantucket or the “Gray Lady” because of the fog that shrouds the island. After passing yachts, she starts with a cocktail (that’s our Sam!) at White Elephant Hotel before getting a tour of the yachts. Sam says that there is a tradition where when people pass a lighthouse, they throw in a penny for a safe return. Sam jokes that that is something she can afford on Nantucket. Meanwhile, her captain takes her clamming. He says they will be gathering quahogs (like Quahog, setting of Family Guy). Sam uses her feet and manages to pick a few clams. Sam mentions that all of Nantucket’s beaches are open to the public.

Sam heads back to the island for a clam bake, which is forced into a garage due to a storm. Sam enjoys a clam bar before going down to see the clam bake down on the beach. As music plays, everyone enjoys their seafood dinner. Sam sits down and talks with some of the locals. One says she likes living on the island, thirty miles away from land. Sam watches the Nantucket sunset, which is gorgeous.

Coming up: Nantucket v. Martha’s Vineyard

Sunday morning: Sam walks along the beach and talks about Moby Dick. She meets Chuck, who takes her out on a boat. He talks about the whaling industry. Sam asks him about Martha’s Vineyard and he says nothing. It doesn’t exist. He says that they (Martha’s Vineyard) gets the movie stars while Nantucket gets the CEOs.

Back on shore, Sam goes biking through a small town that looks more England than New England. Mark Donato takes Sam around Nantucket. She says she tries to never use the words “quaint” and “picturesque” but Nantucket forces her to use it. Mark says that the difference between people from Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard is that Nantucket folk have all their teeth. He reveals that there is a big football game between the two islands and Sam deduces that the rivalry is all sparked from high school football. As most great rivalries are indeed sports related. See: Yankees, New York and Red Sox, Boston.

As another storm drenches Nantucket, Sam decides to put her umbrella to good use and go shopping. She describes Nantucket’s style as preppy and bright-colored. She goes to visit Cheryl Fudge, who owns a store on Nantucket and lets customers try their hand at designing. Cheryl shows Sam how they do that and it looks like alcohol is served. Sam’s set. She picks pink tee and designs her own souvenir shirt.

Decisions, decisions, decisions! Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard? She loved them both!

Now this is better! This is a weekend normal people could actually do, rather than the last episode I recapped which had her spend a weekend with a traveling circus. While both islands had the reputation of being the playground of the rich and famous, both seem to have much to offer for a weekend getaway. I would like to go to either or!

Quotes of the Episode:

“I seem to have wandered onto the pages of a well-illustrated children’s book.”—Sam, about her first stop on Martha’s Vineyard.

“We used to slay whales, now we just slay the stock market.”—Sam, about the type of people who visit Nantucket.

Big Top Samantha!

Sam tells us that she’s going back to her childhood and waits for her ride. And it’s a truck? A circus truck? She’s spending her weekend with a traveling circus. Okay.

Can a normal person actually do this?

Anyway, she’s in San Jose with the Circus Vargas, a family circus traveling around California. Sam asks if there was a time he didn’t want to be in the circus and he says “no.” They will be staying in a mall parking lot, where the Big Top will be set up. They let Sam drive the truck before breaking out the forklifts and hard hats. She hits the “go” button and the tent rises like dough. She is informed the tent is from Italy. One of the people helping Sam is also a trapeze artists and he shows off his muscles. Sam meets Nelson, the circus owner, as she continues to finish setting up the tent. Nelson reveals the construction crew, like the trapeze artist, are all in the circus. And all seem to be related to him either by blood or by marriage. Sam commiserates about having to live with the people she works with and asks to borrow the sledgehammer. You know there’s a tech somewhere off camera shaking his of her head.

It’s Saturday and the tent is finally set up. She goes to get dolled up for a circus parade at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. Sam kicks out the camera crew before emerging dressed for a parade. Santa Cruz is a top surfing spot and is one of the oldest Boardwalk amusement park in Cali. So the circus performers go out, get people hula-hooping. She finds the trapeze artist, watching and eating ice cream. But it’s not all work and no play as the performers hit some rides.

Next: She flies through the air with the greatest of ease, the high-flying Sam on the flying trapeze…

Saturday afternoon in San Jose. Sam begins her training with the Lyra. The performer, Danielle, says you can use your dancing skills with this act. She herself is a former dancer who has been performing with the circus for years. She teaches Sam some moves on the Lyra. Sam isn’t so graceful when she tries to right herself from the pose. She trains how to fall properly with Nelson. He tells her to land on her back for safety but she doesn’t need to practice. It’s only falling. He gets her in a harness for the trapeze. Tense music plays as Sam tries to get out of doing it. She even offers to buy everyone beer. That’s our Sam! The others refuse, saying they don’t drink. Sam knows she’ll need one. But she takes the leap and swings through the air, lets go and lands on her stomach. She knows that isn’t how she was supposed to land.

Next: Sam the Swami meets Sam the Chicken.

Saturday evening. Sam decides to get down with (funny) business with Circus Vargas’ head clown. She gets the makeup on as the clown says he really feels it when the nose comes on. They stick a red nose on her and reveal what she looks like while it sounds like “76 Trombones” from “The Music Man” plays. She asks for a cream pie and they love that she’s in character. “No, I’m just hungry” she says. The crowds arrive and the MC welcomes them to the Circus Vargas. We see Danielle and the Lyra as Sam prepares to enter with the clowns. They entertain the crowds, pulling some victims from the audience. She manages to get applause.

Sunday morning. Sam practices the trapeze again, but she won’t have a safety rope that night. Louis helps her out of the harness as Sam gets some tips. She prepares to jump off the platforms and has a panic attack. She talcs up her hands, getting a pep talk. She leaves the platform and flies, this time remembering to land on her back. You know, I have to give her credit. I couldn’t never do that. I’m too scared of heights to even get up on the platform, let alone to fly the trapeze.

Coming up: The final performance!

Sunday evening. It is Circus Vargas’ final performance in San Jose. As the family performs, Sam worries she may not be able to do the trapeze. She gets dressed in her costume as we see Danielle one last time on the Lyra. Sam reminds herself to smile, to show the audience she is having fun. The MC introduces the flying trapeze artists, who perform stunts that elicit gasps of delight from the crowd. Sam stands on the platform, looking pretty until her turn. She grabs the trapeze and flies. After a few swings, se lands with a bounce in the net. She takes a bow with the others as the evening draws to a close. The family tells her the next time, she’ll do some somersaults in the air. She agrees.

The episode ends with Sam flying in the Lyra, voicing over how she was glad to live out her dreams of running away with the circus.

But the question begs to be asked: Can a normal person looking for a weekend getaway just book a trip with a local traveling circus? Do they allow the average Joe to perform with them? One of the things I like about Sam’s show is that while she is granting special privileges because she has a camera crew, she goes places and does things that anyone can do in a weekend. While watching Sam perform with the circus was fun, I would’ve rather her take me around San Jose, show what the city has to offer.

Quote of the Episode
“I’m just hoping the nose gives me powers I need to make people smile.”—Sam, before her circus debut.

In Search of America(na)

It’s summer and you know what that means! It’s time for me to return to Samantha Brown’s escapades crammed into one weekend.

We start with Samantha in a red convertible driving a road. She’s driving Route 66 to find the America immortalized in the memories of the post-war generation and “Cars.”

If you ever plan to motor West/Travel my way, that’s the highway that’s the best/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Albuquerque, New Mexico. Horns go off everywhere. One is even the wolf-whistle. It’s a classic car club. This one included an Edsel, the legendary lemon produced by Ford. She gets the red convertible we saw in the cold open. She hits the road, leading a parade of classic cars, heading west from Albuquerque. She first stops at the Route 66 Hostel where a band welcomes her. They jump into the car with their instruments—including an upright bass—and we meet Felix and the Cats. Felix is the one playing the guitar. The other two are the cats. She drops the Cats off in a random parking lot. I guess they have to walk back?

It winds from Chicago to LA/More than two thousand miles along the way/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Route 66 was built in 1926 and spans from Chicago to LA. She leave Albuquerque and enjoys the wind in her hair. She says Route 66 is still mostly intact between New Mexico and Arizona, complete with gorgeous scenery. She stops in Gallup, “the Indian Cultural Center of the Southwest.” She wants to find a wacky hotel and El Rancho answers her call. Many Hollywood actors stayed there while filming the Westerns. And she first checks out the neon in Gallup. Remember the scene in “Cars” where Radiator Springs lights up? That’s this looks like.

Coming up: Birds!

Now you go through St. Louis/Joplin, Missouri/And Oklahoma City is might pretty

Saturday morning, Sam hits Route 66 and prepares to enter the state of Arizona. She’s like me—randomly shouting “train!” as one chugs along behind her. She enters Holbrook and says the roadside attactions look like a nuclear war zone, meaning it’s a good stop. She wonders if she can pet the ostrich as the camera pans to a giant sign reading “Caution: Ostrich Bite.” So she opts to feeding them before going to eat some eggs for breakfast. Ostrich eggs that is. She feeds some people before continuing along down Route 66. She promises us the strangest thing on Route 66. And a giant car designed to look like it belongs in Cars as a performance artist car. The owner, John, runs a diner in Seligman with his sister Christine. Their dad, the original owner, was a big practical joker, noted by the fact that the door handle marked “pull” doesn’t work. She asks for a shake and the two hold out their hands. After some other jokes, Sam jumps behind the counter to serve some customers.

Coming up: Donkeys and Sam shoots the sheriff (but not the deputy).

You see Amarillo/Gallup, New Mexico/Flagstaff, Arizona/Don’t forget Winona/Kingman/Barstow/San Bernandino

Sam hops back into her car and continues to drive Route 66. Sam wonders what she should name her car. She doesn’t know if the car should have a female name or a male name, pondering this while eating a Snowball. She decides to name it after the sugary sweet. She’s driven 500 miles and I noticed her rearview mirror decoration has changed. It’s gone from a dwarf to a dream catcher.

She stops in Cool Springs, population: Gas Station. The gas station no longer provides gas, probably because of all the changes made to gas formulas throughout the years, but it’s store still operates! Sam gets a soda, pulls up a seat and enjoys the view. She feels as if time has stopped because she could be in any era. She gets back in the car, where her rearview mirror decoration is again a dwarf. She takes the dwarf down and decides to put out a hula girl. She hits a treacherous part of Route 66. She says it has to do with the turns but I’m sure the fact it seems the road hasn’t seen a paver in decades has something to do with it as well. She even spots the remains of cars who didn’t survive the trek.

She arrives in Oatman, a living ghost town. Bwah? There are still burros in town, who come down to get carrots. And people give them because, hey, they’re adorable. She joins a bunch of people to witness a gunfight in the center of town. The troupe pulls out our own Annie Oakley. She shoots and the cowboys fall down. She leaves the town and Route 66 as well. She picks up Interstate 40 and says she has a big Hollywood finale planned for the ending of her Route 66 road trip.

Coming up: Cliff diving?

Won’t you get hip to this timely tip?/When you take that California trip/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Deer! Sam arrives at a national park. At a quarter to 5 AM. Eww. I usually don’t like to acknowledge that time exists. She and a bunch of early morning birds watch the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. Sam then jumps into a helicopter. Her pilot says the park spans the entire area of Switzerland. He then asks her if she wants to jump off a cliff and takes her over the Canyon. They see the Colorado River from the air. The pilot says it’s one of the natural formations viewable from space. I don’t think you can see anything from space except the continents, but okay.

Sam and Snowball drive to their goodbye point, with fluffy white dice now dangling from her rearview mirror. She says goodbye and leaves the car…And then my DVR cut out. Sorry guys!

It’s great to be back with Samantha Brown and her trips. You might notice she didn’t have a single alcoholic beverage this trip, something I know I make a running gag of her alcoholism in the other episodes. I assume it is her being a conscientious driver and not drinking because she is behind the wheel. Either way, it was a fun ride and gives me ideas. Maybe not Route 66—that sounds like something my dad would do. I’m not one to stay in a car that long!

Moment of the Episode:

The expression on the French tourists faces when John and Christine pull some pranks in Seligman.

Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Doppelganger

It’s time for How I Met Your Mother’s season finale!

My how a season sure flies fast!

We start with a recap of the doppelgangers: Lesbian!Robin, Mustached!Marshall, Stripper!Lily, and Mexican!Wrestler!Ted (Future!Ted: Yes, mine is the coolest) We cut to TWO episodes ago when Lily and Marshall agree to have a baby when the universe tells them to—when they find Barney’s doppelganger. We cut to the two standing on the street where Marshall asks about how serious Lily was about their agreement. She says a speech which is summed up as “pretty dang serious”. Marshall turns and there is a Barney clone, with black hair, driving a taxi. However! Our girl is smart. She has stolen Barney’s playbook after all and wonders if it may just be Barney in disguise. Marshall calls Barney while Lily takes a picture. Barney confirms that yes, he is at work, stapling, three hole punching and “filing” the company’s sexual harassment policy. (We once tried to tell employees that the same instrument Barney uses to “file” was our company’s electronic time sheet reader).

Lily and Marshall decide to have a baby.

They go to MacLaren’s, where Marshall is excited to tell their friends they are having unprotected sex. Lily decides they are going to say anything because they are now inviting them into the most intimate moment of their life. We see candles, hear romantic music and then…Barney bursts in with popcorn. He says that it’s a big mistake, but he’s ready to watch. “Uncle Teddy” pops in with balloons and a teddy bear and blathering on about Santa before the TV turns on to reveal Robin reporting on “Baby Watch 2010” complete with the chopper circling overhead. Marshall agrees to keep mum as Ted and Robin come in. Lily shows Barney doppelganger. Lily and Robin agree he’s better as a blonde. Ted goes on about a summer he was lifeguarding, went blond and was popular. Marshall, Lily and Robin have a telepathic conversation (I missed those) in which they agree to get Ted to dye his hair blond. Ted’s out of the loop and goes on about nachos, which he orders. The other three tell him not to go blond. And he announces he was going blond.

Robin and Don meanwhile have such a great partnership, their station has asked them to appear on their other shows. Like Monty and Moo-Moo, where Monty admits to having experimented with drugs. (Future!Ted: Highest rated episode ever!) Don tells Robin that she’s turned his life around.

Meanwhile, Marshall sees Doppelganger!Barney. He starts saying how Doppelganger!Barney has an important role in his life when Doppelganger!Barney says he plays a legendary role. He rips off the wig and reveals he’s really Barney! DUM DUM DUM! But wait, there’s more! Future!Ted reveals this wasn’t the biggest surprise of the day. We hear Robin talking about how it’s a surprise and she can have an answer by the next day. She calls Ted and asks to talk to him. She goes to the salon and reveals that she was offered an anchor position. In Chicago! DUM DUM DUM!

Marshall is being driven around by Barney and seriously, when did Barney get his driver’s license? Really, show! He can’t believe the doppelganger is really Barney. Turns out Barney has a special message recorded so people can think he’s really working. Marshall learns that not only is Barney the doppelganger, his nickname at work isn’t special. At the salon, Robin says that Career and Romance have been battling in her life forever. Ted tells her that Career has been trouncing Romance for years. He tells her to talk to Don but she doesn’t want to involve him yet. Ted tells her he can’t be objective because he doesn’t want her to move away. Robin understands then asks if Ted got a manicure. He says he didn’t but Flo busts him.

In the cab, Barney reveals his quest to have sex with a woman from every country. He even has a map. My friend Russ knows why this seems very familiar to me. He figures the best way to do that is to rent a cab and wait outside the UN for hot foreign chicks. He just forgot one small detail: Chicks don’t want to bang cab drivers. Marshall now needs to tell Lily they haven’t found the fifth doppelganger. He was looking forward to being a dad. Barney tells him no children before 35…Doesn’t anyone read his blog? “It’s gotten a lot better.” Marshall says he was looking forward to being a father. Barney does feel bad for Marshall…then asks for the fare.

At the apartment, Marshall loses his resolve to tell Lily. At MacLaren’s, Barney goes through jokes about Ted’s hair. He says he’s been getting tons of compliments. Robin reveals this isn’t true. Ted says that Robin’s moving to Chicago. At the apartment, Marshall calls a time out. He can’t do this. At MacLaren’s, Barney says Robin moving is a group decision. At the apartment, Lily tries to talk about how the doppelganger was different from Barney but Marshall knows otherwise. As Marshall asks if Lily forgot what Barney looks like. And in case she did, Barney pops in. Marshall and Lily freak out as Robin enters and Ted next. “What is Elle Degeneres doing in our bedroom?” Marshall asks. Ted argues he’s pulling it off. Barney reveals he was the doppelganger, Lily and Marshall argue but Barney reminds them what is really important: Ted is blond. And Robin is leaving. They have to talk her out of it…except she’s already decided to accept. DUN DUN DUN!

Come on, show, you can’t have brought Robin back for just to send her away again!

At MacLaren’s, the gang wonders if they are really losing Robin. Lily telepathically wonders if it’s the depression or if Ted’s hair really is starting to look good. Marshall and Barney agree until Ted realizes he’s made a mistake. Robin comes down. She reveals she spoke to Chicago and, staring at a picture of her and Don, turned it down. They are happy to keep her.

At Don’s, he reveals that he got offered the anchor position in Chicago. And he took it. She tries to leave and he asks if she ever had her dream on the other end of the phone. She says “yes” and leaves.

During this interlude, Marshall and Lily see another Barney doppelganger as a red-haired, Estonian street performer. But it’s quickly determined to be Barney in disguise. Lily realizes that Barney really wants them to have a baby and will make a great Uncle one day. As they leave, a woman walks up to reveal she is Estonian and a street performer as well. As she swallows a sword, Barney passes out.

A teary Robin knocks on Ted’s door and asks to move back in. He agrees and comforts her on the couch. He says a lot’s changed in the five years since the show started…I mean, Robin joined the group. Then: Marshall and Lily were just dating. Now: They are married and considering kids. Then: Barney and Commitment were never a possibly combination. Now: He committed to Robin last year. Then: Ted was chasing after this girl he thought was the one. Now: Ted is going through a bunch of forgettable girlfriends who never last more than one episode. I mean, that girl is now his dearest friend. Then: Robin would never choose career over love. Now: She did! Robin thinks she’s getting dumber and Ted says it’s courageous. Ted uses the hunt for the doppelganger as a metaphor—they all get older and more mature, becoming their own doppelgangers. Ted and Robin nearly share a kiss but as his hat gets knocked off, they laugh over how he became blond. Future!Ted says that stopped them from doing something they’d regret that night.

Four months later…

Lily goes to meet the gang at MacLaren’s when she sees Barney’s doppelganger working a hot dog stand. She runs inside, happy to see Barney is in there. She brings everyone outside and we see the guy looks nothing like Barney, but to Lily it does. Marshall realizes why and telepathically tells the gang to go with it. They do and the Eriksens agree to have a baby. The camera zooms out and is it just me or do Robin and Ted look pretty cuddly there?

So…instead of reviewing the episode, it’s time to review the season! Not a stellar season, it had it’s episodes and it had some clunkers. The Barney-Robin romance was great while it lasted but Robin and Don were pretty adorable too. I thought we’d see more of Professor!Ted and some college classroom shenanigans. But I am looking forward to pregnant!Lily and nervous!dad!Marshall. And whatever Barney does next year.

Till then, there’s always speculation!

Quote of the Episode:

“Hey, I’m planning a white wedding. Tell me, Billy Idol, is it a nice day for that?”—Barney about Ted’s hair.

To Dream the Impossible Dream…

Last week on Glee: Rachel lost her voice! Kurt tried to be straight!

Will goes to the Principal’s office and is introduced to Neil Patrick Harris (Brian Ryan). NPH and Will went to school together. We flashback to Glee way back then, with NPH singing “Daydream Believer” and he does magic! Like Barney! NPH says they may cut the Glee club because of budget worries. NPH was in Glee, he did shows and the cruise ship circuit. But he became a has-been, met Jesus—his social worker, turned his life around, and now runs a support group. We see Brenda (Molly Shannon) who turned to drugs after a bad audition. NPH says “Show choir kills.” NPH just wants to talk to the kids and the Principal forces him to. NPH tells the kids to write down their biggest dreams. He rips out Artie’s and throws it out. He tells them they will never happen and will never leave their town. As he mentions show biz dreams, Rachel and Kurt share a look. NPH uses Will as an example. NPH makes Tina cry! Will throws him out but not before NPH threatens to cut the Glee club.

In the library, Tina helps Artie get a book. He says he’s now considering a career behind the camera. She saw Artie’s dream—“dancer.” Tina tells Artie they should do an assignment on their own since Will was distracted by the awesomeness that is NPH to assign them one. And it’ll include dancing! Speaking of dancing, we see Rachel in the ballet studio. Jesse’s back! And talking to her! Rachel wants to play Evita, Funny Girl and Laurie from Oklahoma! She was practicing Laurie’s Dream Ballet. Jesse tells Rachel her performance of “Don’t Cry for Me, Argentina” is an inevitability. They are back together again! He asks her what her dream is, what’s missing. Rachel says her mom. She doesn’t need to meet her, but just wants to know her name. The Dads never told her and Rachel never asked them. But Jesse pushes her to find her mom.

We see Tina and Artie practicing. Tina is very good a tap. He asks for some crutches he borrowed from a kid with cerebal palsy. He can stand up and then drags himself a few feet before falling. Artie kicks Tina out. Meanwhile, Will finds NPH, who is taking stock of Home Ec supplies. Will wants to convince NPH he’s wrong about Glee, take him out for a beer. For old time’s sake. NPH considers this. Can they go to New York to visit MacLaren’s? Can Brian Ryan be Barney’s doppelganger?

Rachel whispers that she found her mother in the library. She believes her mother is Patti Lupone. Rachel tracks Lupone’s movements in 1994 to discover she was in Ohio. Jesse is able to shoot it down so Rachel asks if he wants to hear how Bernadette Peters is her mother. Jesse asks why she’s scared and Rachel reveals her fathers’ kept everything about her. Jesse knows they have a starting point.

NPH and Will bond over beers. NPH says Terri was the one that got away. Will reveals they got married and divorced. You dodged a bullet there, NPH. Will credits Glee as giving him the strength and drive to get out of the marriage and something to live for. He fortune cookies about expressing yourself through Glee and NPH admits he’s living a lie. He misses performing. He sneaks off to see Broadway shows and a box of Playbills hidden, like porn. If this was Barney, it would be porn disguised as a box of Playbills. Will starts Billy Joel’s “Piano Man” and sings along. NPH joins in. Can we bring NPH back to Broadway? Please? Will tells NPH they are both trying out for a production of Les Mis.

Twilight. Blah.

Artie rolls along as Tina runs up alongside him. She apologizes, he apologizes. He says he’s hopeless, Tina doesn’t agree. She’s done research. She tells him not to give up on his dream. Aww. They kiss as the sun shines behind them and it’s sweet.

Rachel brings up several boxes to investigate. She finds her baby teeth, Jesse finds her sonogram, Rachel finds her first singing trophy. Jesse is surprised it was when she was 8 months old. As Rachel is distracted, Jesse takes out a tape from his pocket. It says “From Mother to Daughter.” He tries to play it but Rachel freaks out. We cut from that to a woman singing “Big Spender” from Sweet Charity. Will meets with NPH. Both are trying out for Jean Valjean, first with “The Impossible Dream” from Man of La Mancha but now with Aerosmith’s “Dream On.” They argue until the director tells them to sing it together. And they do. They prance around what I assume will be the barricade scene and kill the song. The director rushes out.

Artie and Tina go shopping where Artie bought tap shoes. She goes to get pretzels but needs to leave him there. He says his doctor has started him on the therapy Tina suggested. He says they’re working, stands up and starts dancing. About time that got Kevin McHale out of that chair. He sings and dances to the “Safety Dance” in a mall. Is this a tribute to all the flash mobs Glee’s promotion teams sent out? They even have people taping it! It is a tribute to all the flash mobs! Wait, did I see Mercedes in one scene? The song ends and Artie’s in his chair, alone, as Tina gives him a pretzel. He says he’s going to dance someday.

NPH meets with Sue, saying he is going to be in Les Mis next month. He tells Sue that the Cheerios’ budget is crazy. NPH brings out research showing that the arts helps intellect while Sue argues that the country is obese and that sports help with teamwork and confidence. NPH is turned on, as is Sue. Even though he is still cutting half her budget.

What would Barney say?

Jesse runs in the rain to a car where Idina is waiting. He tells her he gave her the tape but she won’t listen to it. Jesse asks why she just doesn’t walk up to her and say, “Hi, I’m your mom.” A million fans are now screaming “I KNEW IT!” at their TV. She said she answered the ad, hoping to go to New York to become an actress. She never held Rachel and that’s her one regret. She signed a contract not to have any contact with her until she’s 18 but if she hears the tape, Rachel will try to find her.

Artie goes to speak to Emma to get therapy to adjust to his life walking. She tries to let him down gently, saying he may not walk for a long time. She agrees to let him see her once a week for a while. He leaves without Tina’s research. NPH announces that the arts matter and he gives him jackets, dance wear and sheet music from every Broadway show ever. Sue comes to congratulate the boys—Will got the role of Valjean while NPH is just a townsman. NPH reverses everything he just said and cuts the program.

NPH practices his one line, saying he is saving the kids from becoming bitter. Because cutting the one thing they have is taken from there. He tells NPH that these kids were labeled from the moment they entered the building. But he sees beyond that and sees stars. When stars die, they become black holes that suck everything. He tells NPH he’s creating thirteen black holes by cutting Glee. Will also gives up his role and lets NPH play Jean Valjean to remember what the arts can do for a person. NPH agrees to the swap and to not cut the Glee club. NPH ambushes the director.

Rachel goes home and Jesse plays the tape. And we here Idina Menzel’s voice start singing “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Mis. We cut to her singing it on a stark stage. Rachel joins her. This is slightly meta because Lea did play Young Cosette in the Broadway production of Les Mis. They slightly rewrote the song so that it’s not about a guy who left her, but her mother. At least it’s still keeping with the song’s theme. Aretha Franklin’s version? Completely missed the mark. She made it a “I will survive” song that it isn’t. The song ends as we see Idina in her car, rain beating against the window and Rachel crying in her room.

Tina and Artie talk. He pulls out of the routine. He fortune cookies he needs to focus on dreams he can make come true. Tina asks him to at least sing the song. Will announces Glee is saved. Puck asks if he died but NPH was going to be distracted by his lead role of Les Mis. He says he’s trading his one dream for their thirteen ones. Her dance partner is Mike, one of the other football players we never really see. Artie sings the song, “Dream a Little Dream of Me.” You should hear Miss Piggy’s rendition in MuppetVision down in Disney. Tina and Mike dance. Quinn offers support as they dance and Artie sings.

Next week: The Lady Gaga episode. And Finn moving in with Kurt.

That was legend…NPH was great, but when isn’t he? Even in the How I Met Your Mother episodes where Barney merely puts in an appearance. He and Matthew Morrison were great playing old rivals who could be friends, if they wanted to. Or weren’t so competitive. And I’m glad Idina is really Rachel’s mother and this isn’t really some ploy to bring down New Directions like I worried it was when Jesse first took out the tape. And everyone had been commenting on the similarities between Lea Michele and Idina Menzel before Idina was even cast! Also good character development for Tina and Archie. Now, we need to bring on some of Matthew Morrison’s Broadway co-stars. Marissa Jaret Winokur, Harvey Fierstein, Laura Bell Bundy, and/or Kerry Butler from “Hairspray” or Victoria Clarke and/or Kelli O’Hara from “Light in the Piazza.”

Also, today, the third Glee CD was released! I need to go order it and I encourage everyone else to do so as well. And yes, it is available for download on iTunes.

Quote of the Episode:

“I sound like someone put tap shoes on a horse and then shot it.” –Artie

Baggage!

Future!Ted tells his kids that when you date in your 30s, everyone has baggage. For instance, one girl has “Still in love with ex” baggage.

CREDITS!

Ted talks about dating Royce in the Spring of 2010. He says it’s great except her baggage. Which he hasn’t discovered. Barney says that baggage is the cornerstone of the porn industry. Ted mentions that the one time he overlooked someone’s baggage was Stella. And let’s recap how that turned out: Ted proposed, Stella said yes, Stella left him standing at the altar for her ex. So, Ted’s a bit jaded. Marshall says he’s glad he doesn’t have any baggage. Lily: “Mother issues.” Ted: “Grandmother issues.” Barney: “Great-grandmother issues.” Robin: “You’re too nice.” Marshall isn’t sure how that last one counts. But Robin tells Marshall about how he walks down the street, saying hi to everyone. Reminds me of one of my parish priests. Except he’s not driving his motorbike into a ditch. As Barney tells about the best type of baggage before asking why they hang out with him.

That night, Ted tries to find Royce’s baggage. She says she worked in porn. A giant baggage appears next to her, until Royce explains it’s a charitable organization that helps inner-city kids. She then says she killed her brother—baggage appears—*sip* with a joke. She starts to tell it and as she sips her wine, a baggage appears saying: “Ted, wait for her to finish her sip.” By the night’s end, Ted could see no baggage with Royce.

Until she and Ted go to see a movie entitled “The Wedding Bride.” Which is a stupid title anyway. Seriously, “The Wedding Bride”? What other type of bride is there? Hello, writers, is that the best you can do? Look, I know “The Runaway Bride” was already taken but “The Wedding Bride”? REALLY?

Anyway, Ted panics when he realizes “The Wedding Bride” (snicker) was written by Stella’s ex-turned-husband. GASP!

At MacLaren’s, Lily and Marshall tell how they stopped so Dudley-Do-Right could help some people load their moving van. Except that the stuff they were loading didn’t belong to them. So Lily and Marshall had to explain why they were aiding in a crime to the police. Lily then laments to Robin that Marshall also gave the robbers a loan for gas and so that they could send them a check (like that’ll ever appear), he gave them their address. Lily considers the worst-case scenario. Lily says that Marshall’s mascot was a hug.

Ted comes in and says he saw “The Wedding Bride.” Marshall is excited about it, but tries to play it off. Robin asks what it is about. We see a clip from the film where “Jed Moseby” talks about being the most powerful and corrupt architect in New York before spilling hot coffee on himself. Man, that’s worse than TedMosebyIsAJerk.com. Ted answers that it’s about him.

Marshall asks if Ted’s sure. Ted is. Robin wonders why Tony would write the story of his and Stella’s wedding when Tony was the bad guy. We see Jed Moseby, played by Chris Kattan, act like a jerk to his beautiful fiancee Stella. He does mention the time Ted wanted Stella to move from Jersey to New York, but as we all know, Ted caved on that. Movie!Stella wanted to go cake tasting. As we all know, Stella and Ted stole her cousin’s wedding when the couple broke up right before the nuptials. We see “Jed” laughing and then falling down. Marshall can’t believe that passes for comedy and imitates it. I’m sure you can see where this is going. Robin is not even in it. Ted tells how Movie!Tony is both hot and a hero. We saw Ted and Stella’s real proposal. In the movie, Jed just proposes to shut Movie!Stella up. We see the two minute day. The movie: What’s up with the “no can dos-ville.”

Then we get the ending…Hey, it’s the dad from “Even Stevens” and the reverend from “Secret Life of an American Teenager.” Anyway, Stella and Jed are at the altar (which they never went to a church) when Tony comes in, saying she needs to marry him. There’s a whole long spiel worthy of a chick flick. And Stella and Tony live happily ever after. With no daughter, apparently. At the end, Royce praises it and Ted realizes he comes with baggage: left at the altar. He wants to put the movie behind him, even though it’s the 5th top grossing movie of all time.

So of course, the entire gang goes to see it.

At MacLaren’s, Royce and this couple she and Ted are on a date with heap praises on “The Wedding Bride” and state they are going to see it again. Ted…looks less than thrilled. Royce says there’s only one flaw—besides the title, Royce? She says she doesn’t know why Stella fell in love with the jerk in the first place. Ted has a nervous breakdown before saying that the movie sucked and they are all stupid for liking it. Ted leaves.

Marshall and Lily are surprised that Ted used Jed’s catchphrase. Ted decides to move to a country where no one has seen the movie. Robin says every country has seen the movie. Marshall says he’s nice because he doesn’t care about someone else’s baggage. And he says Ted taught him to be that way—a guy who was uncynical and saw the best in everyone. Marshall gives Ted a pep talk to chase after Royce. She’s watching “The Wedding Bride.” As Movie!Tony runs for Movie!Stella, we see Ted run for Royce. He finds her…and Barney…at the movie. Ted tells her about Stella and how he is Jed Mosely, but without the jerk attitude. Ted promises her to make her pancakes, while Royce agrees. Barney chants “Kiss him!” (except he didn’t say “kiss” and got ejected from the movie). Royce kisses Ted as Movie!Tony and Movie!Stella kiss behind him.

They leave the theater and he tells Royce that he’s still getting over what Stella did to him. Royce offers to help and picks up his “left at the altar baggage.” Future!Ted fortune cookies about how it is easier to carry your baggage when you let someone help you.

Tag: Ted discovers Royce’s baggage. She’s been left at the altar! Thrice! The last time was because of her gambling addiction! So now she shares an apartment with her brother! A studio apartment where they share a bed! Ted tells her she has to go.

A good episode, particularly with the movie. It was great to see how Tony twisted the truth to suit his needs. And Chris Kattan plays a jerk so well! The relationship with Royce seemed sweet and I wish they would let one of Ted’s girlfriends stay for more than one episode. Please? Ted hasn’t had a long term relationship with Stella. He took the leap last year, give him the chance to try a long relationship.

Am still wondering about the fallout from Marshall’s Dudley-Do-Right deed gone wrong.

Quote of the Episode:

“There is only one street where that is normal. Here’s a hint: a giant yellow bird lives on it.” –Barney about Marshall’s niceness.

Rock and Roll Circuses and America’s Next Top Model!

A side note to Entertainment Weekly: I love your magazine. Really, I do. I grab it out of the mail pile every Friday and read it cover to cover. And usually you guys are great about summarizing TV shows without giving much away. But did you realize that there was a two-hour finale? Because you revealed the final two when there were still four contenders in play! Tsk, tsk.

This past cycle: Thirteen girls braved Perez Hilton, runways of swinging pendulums, New York City, the chance of walking the plank, and earning the phrase “dreckitude” from new judge Andre Leon Talley. The final six flew to Auckland, New Zealand and then had to survive the possibility of being sacrificed to the volcano, sheep, Jessica’s attempts at cooking, crouching into Hobbit holes and Tyra herself. Angelea and Alexandra were JUST eliminated and now Raina and Krista will cute their way down an Anna Sui fashion show to be crowned America’s Next Top Model. Who will win? Find out now! But only if you’ve read the post directly below this first!

Wanna be on top?

Raina and Krista celebrate being the Top Two. Krista says she’s focused and she needs to beat Raina. Raina wonders about their Cover Girl commercial. She wanted to do it. She says she wants to win and her competitive spirit comes from playing volleyball which she put aside for modeling, her true passion. Krista mentions she’s tried out

TYRA MAIL! “One of you will rise aove the other to claim the title of America’s Next Top Model but right now you are flying on the same level. So pack an overnight bag.” Raina celebrates which Krista dubs as fake.

The girls go to catch a helicopter. They go to Hurakia Lodge for some pampering. They are greeted with champagne as Ms. J sashays in. Krista says she just wants to celebrate but the work starts right away. Ms. J says they are getting pampered so they are young and fresh for tomorrow’s Cover Girl commercial. He gives them their scripts and Raina is overjoyed. They study. Krista doesn’t want cue cards. Mr. Jay comes up making fun of Krista when she got her photo. He tells them they are filming their commercial and shooting a picture which will be used nationwide. Nicole from the last cycle comes back to give them some advice. The concept: the girls are getting ready for a night out on the town. They hit the make up booth and the poor stylists have to shill for it.

Raina goes to take her still photograph. Tony, the photographer, loved how Raina worked her eyes. Nicole goes to give Krista a pep talk. She then goes to film her commercial. She messes up a line and we see up to take 7. Mr. Jay threatens to use the cue cards.

Top Model Lounge! Bianca calls the cue cards the “kiss of death.” Laura says Krista’s psyching herself out.

We come back to Krista still blanking out and finally asking for the cue cards. Mr. Jay likes that Krista is laughing it off as most girls would crumble. Mr. Jay and Jonathan like her sway. She goes to take her still print. Tony loves her smile. Which saves her from looking cold. Raina is now up to shoot her commercial. Mr. Jay tells her not to choreograph herself as she keeps screwing up. Jonathan tells her she has the lines and it’s time to model.

Raina and Krista go back to Auckland and receive Tyra Mail saying they will be doing their Seventeen Magazine shoots. Oh, Ann Shoket should be showing up then. Raina figures she has the upper hand on that shoot. They go to meet Nigel who sends them to hair and make up. I loved Raina’s little peace sign. Krista says she wants to see a “chocolate black girl” on the cover of something.

The girls go back to their house to find Tyra setting up cameras. She says she wants to do a family portrait but something is missing. Are they bringing back the eliminated girls? The girls’ families?

They brought in the girls’ families! Krista goes to hug her mom and stepdad. Next comes out Raina’s dad. Tyra does Krista’s family first. Her mother says she’s proud of her and starts to cry. Tyra tells Raina’s dad to relax and he is proud of Raina’s passion. The pictures will be on Tyra.com. Time for the family reunion to end. The girls say their good-byes.

And then head for their runway show. They are in the Auckland Museum. It is themed of “Rock and Roll Circus.” So besides Nicole and professional models, the girls will be walking with Alasia, Jessica, Alexandra and Angelea. Angelea supports Team Krista. Jessica is on Team Raina. The crowd enters and then the judges plus Ms. J. Mr. Jay directs the show. He cues the circus performers. Nicole then opens the show. Angelea is next before Krista takes her first walk. We see Jessica before Raina takes her first walk. Alasia and Alexandra strut down the catwalk while Krista and Raina change. The next turn is tandem walking. Alexandra and Alasia are paired as are Angelea and Jessica. Raina and Krista walk down together. Raina blows a kiss before leaving. Then comes the finale, everyone walks out clapping.

Tyra goes to talk to Krista. She says she brought her personality in the walk and to be Krista. She says she didn’t always pretty. She wants to show dark-skinned girls they are pretty. Tyra hugs her. She then goes to visit Raina. Raina says it was one of the first times she let loose and had fun. She says she wouldn’t have been able to do this two years ago. Raina recalls being picked on for being tall, gangly, odd eyebrows and big lips. Tyra says she loves the differences. Tyra hugs her.

Final judging…What is up with Tyra’s top? I love their outfits. For the last time this cycle the prizes are: a contract with Wilhelmina Models, a six page spread and cover of Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl. There are the judges Nigel Barker and Andre Leon Talley. And the guest judge is Ms. J, back on the panel. The girls are called forward. Ms. J says Krista went back to safety steps but Andre says it was like she was walking on air. Ms. J says she was heavy footed but she was cute. Andre loved her smile and Tyra just loved her walk. Nigel calls Raina’s picture gentle while Andre calls her fresh. Ms. J calls Krista “in your face” beauty. Tyra calls her stunning but she is not smiling with her eyes. Commercial time. Nigel likes Raina’s timber and enunciation. He tells her not to forget her eyes. Andre didn’t read her personality. Tyra tells her to be the girl she is when she is just chilling. And Tyra mentions that Mr. Jay said Krista forgot her lines. Tyra tells her to remain in the commercial. Nigel says the light loves her.

Time for the final deliberation. Andre says both were strong in the competition and both used it as a learning experience. Nigel says they are charming in their own ways. Krista is better body wise while Raina has it made in the face. Andre thinks Raina would be better in the European market while Krista could do the international market. Krista is great for shows while Raina is great for pictures. Nigel thinks Raina will be successful at home but Andre argues they should look for someone with international appeal. Nigel says Krista shows heart but they both have drama.

America’s Next Top Model is…Krista! She starts to cry and apologizes to Raina but she tells Krista it’s okay. Tyra hugs Raina and says she is proud of her. Raina says she knows she should be sad but she’s not. She’s learned so much and has accomplished so much. Raina thanks the panel and wishes Krista luck. Tyra tells Krista she is the embodiment of America’s Next Top Model. All her attempts to get on the show have finally paid off. Even Andre is crying.

America’s Next Top Model: Krista

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Did I want Raina to win? Hell yes. Am I surprised Krista won? Hell no. I got the feeling she would win sometime around New Zealand. She was rising so fast and doing so well that it was the only logical conclusion. However, she is talented and a model through and through. The sad thing is this show will probably hamper her career a bit. But I predict Raina and Angelea will be mentioned in a few cycles as runners up who made it big. And I wish they would bring either Jessica or Angelea back for Top Model Lounge. Angelea especially would provide good commentary.

So, I shall see you all next September for Cycle 15! Time for a whole new set of model wannabes, new runways, more antics from the Jays and perhaps the girls modeling scenes from Tyra’s new fantasy series?

Have a fantastic summer!

Now I just have to figure out what I’m going to write about this summer!

PS: Just one request, new model wannabes—work on the sound bites. I love my quote of the episode bits but I need quotes for it to work!

50-50!

Last week on America’s Next Top Model: The five remaining girls showed that they didn’t have enough of a collective IQ to put out a fire when one of the tacos Jessica was attempting to cook went up. The girls went to the set of Hobbiton where Sarah McLeod (Rosie Cotton) judged their ability to cram themselves into a Hobbit hole and still get a good picture. Tyra later was their photographer in a shoot based on shadows. In the end, it came down to Raina and Jessica with Jessica getting the boot. Four girls remain, two will go home and two will stomp to the death. Who will be America’s Next Top Model? Find out!

Wanna be on top?

The final four celebrate their final-four-ness. Krista proves she can do math—they each have a 25% chance of winning. She wants to win. Alexandra was upset she didn’t get a first photo last week but she knows she’ll be in the final two. Raina pretends to interview Alexandra, who knocks her hand away. Alexandra doesn’t think Raina is very mature and we see her yelling “Final Four” whenever she can. Raina thinks that her happiness is turning the others off because they can’t tear her down. She says she’ll be an inspiration—she started off as an insecure, awkward girl to a confident top model. Angelea thinks America is ready for her to be Top Model.

The girls get a surprise visitor—Andre Leon Talley. Krista worries he’s going insult their house clothes. But he gives them real flowers—Angelea points out they are real. He tells them about traveling the world and how to behave with designers across the world. Krista asks about the invention of “dreckitude” and working for Vogue. He said he loves working and all he got to do. Andre admits he was insecure but he worked hard, first for Andy Warhol. Yes, Andy. Warhol. Angelea hangs on every word he said, associating with his story. We see her in Cycle 12 casting, saying she slept on the Port Authority bus depot. Andre tells them to work hard, not give up and gives them each a hug.

TYRA MAIL! “Time to get ready for a different kind of runway. Pack an overnight bag.” Where are they going?

They go to the airport where Mr. Jay meets them. They are going to Queenstown for their next photo shoot. Raina wants to step up her game. Each girl sits in the plane while Ms. J makes an announcement about being prepared. Mr. Jay goes on about bringing personality to their runway walk. It’s a runway challenge! The girls’ jaws drop.

The winner of the challenge will get to walk in New Zealand’s Fashion Week and get jewelry. We see Tyra walking in a Victoria’s Secret show as Mr. Jay tells them to walk with personality. Alexandra asks about heels, which she has in her purse. Angelea only has one heel. Alexandra is up first. She borrows someone’s sunglasses. Imitates the flight stewardess and comes back, returning the sunglasses. Krista is next. Ms. J gives her a little shove and he tells her that is what happens. Mr. Jay wants playful. The Jays don’t hate it. Mr. Jay likes how she works the jacket. Angelea goes next. The Jays don’t know what she’s doing with her hands but they love her turn. Raina finishes. Angelea declares her boring. She flirts with the crowd. Mr. Jay asks her for more grace.

The winner is: Krista. She is speechless. The plane applauds, probably cause they figure this torture is over. Alexandra was very close, which depresses her.

They arrive in Queenstown and drive. The girls love it and Raina calls it “Lord of the Rings.” Uh duh, that’s where they filmed the movies. So of course it looks like Middle-earth. Mr. Jay praises the environment. The shoot is about being “pretty-ugly.” The backdrop will be pretty, the girls will be ugly. And they will have to sell it. Mr. Jay reveals that at the next panel, two girls will be going home. Krista notes that ups it from 25% to 50%.

Top Model Lounge! Laura mentions that two girls were eliminated at once in her cycle. Bianca says it is now do or die.

The girls are sent to hair and make up. Krista goes first. Mr. Jay loves what she’s doing. She does broken down. He says her eyes are still soft and pretty. She gets a “good job.” Angelea gets tied in as Alexandra goes to the set. Monty likes her but Jay doesn’t think it’s what they are looking for. So she fights through and gets it. Raina is next and loves her outfit. Mr. Jay tells her to step out of the box. Mr. Jay calls her “pretty-pretty” not “ugly-pretty.” He likes that she took direction well but she still needs to step out of the box. Angelea is last. He wants more in her face because she’s just blank. She wants to tune him out. And I think Mr. Jay knows that. She starts getting awkward and he likes it.

That’s a wrap.

They go back to Auckland and admire Krista’s prizes. She got more prizes because she had the best photograph. They all help her open and even though the girls note she got doubles of some of the jewelry, she doesn’t share. Of course, I would be saving mine to share with my sister and friends at home, which may be construed as greed. SKULL AND CROSSBONES! Two girls aren’t going to make it. Sadly, that isn’t literal. The girls are nervous.

PANEL! There are prizes, there are judges and today’s guest judge is Mr. Jay. Raina is first. Andre loves her eyes, how they suggest something dark. Mr. Jay talks about her being “pretty-pretty.” Tyra says she was the prettiest. Angelea is next. Andre praises her go-see dress. Mr. Jay calls her the one who was most confused. Andre likes her photo as does Tyra, calling her “haunted.” Nigel says she is closing in on herself and Mr. Jay tells her that she set her own bar and she can set it again. Krista is applauded for the challenge win. Tyra calls her “androgynous” and that makes it work. Andre says this was a picture that could get her booked. Mr. Jay praises her. Tyra praises her for creating space. Alexandra is last. Nigel says it is more cinematic than fashion. Andre likes her face and how the person in the picture is different than the one before them.

The judges deliberate. Everyone feels like it’s the final elimination. Nigel sees real talent in Raina. Mr. Jay praises her beauty and her ability to direction. Andre doesn’t feel an emotional response from her. Andre praises Krista. Mr. Jay points out that her face is her weak spot. Nigel loves Alexandra’s shape. Mr. Jay praises her angles and eye lines. Tyra does know who Alexandra is. Andre thinks Angelea needs exposure and the chance to travel. Mr. Jay thinks that she doesn’t see the competition as a beginning or an end. The winner has to carry their career. Tyra mentions some past non-winners who have made it big: Fatima (Cycle 10), Anya (Cycle 10), Katarzyna (Cycle 10), Mollie Sue (Cycle 6).

ELIMINATION! The first finalist is Krista. She freaks out and talks about her 50% chance. The final three step forward. Alexandra: Has a great body but the pictures aren’t consistent. Raina: Second-coming of Brooke Shields. Strong face, great eyes but she seems to prefer some shoots over others and only excels at them. Angelea: Fantastic face but can she take criticism. So, who will be going head to head with Krista? Raina! I always knew she’d end up in the final two. I just thought she’d be going against Angelea but then Krista just shot out of nowhere. Tyra hugs Alexandra and tells her to work on her angles. Tyra moves to hug Angelea, telling her she came so far. But she needs to take criticism and keep her head held high. The girls hug. Alexandra thanks them and Angelea promises they will see her again. She stops to do her Hammer dance and Tyra tells her that is how she must handle rejection.

Tyra tells the girls that Anna Sui wants happy, winking, twirling and cutesy for her show.

Alexandra and Angelea go home to pack. Alexandra says it sucks to walk away without the title but she’s going to work at it. Angelea says she’s proud of herself and she’s still a winner. She says she believes and she is still America’s Next Top Model.

America’s Next Top Model:

Alasia

Alexandra

Angelea

Anslee

Brenda

Gabrielle

Jessica

Krista

Naduah

Raina

Ren

Simone

Tatianna

Part II and America’s Next Top Model in the next part!

Your Inner Voice

Last week on Glee: Someone posted a Glist—a ranking of the Glee members according to hotness. Sue got to duet with Olivia Newton-John. Emma learned about Will’s escapades with two of the Witches of Oz. Rachel blew it with Jesse, Puck and Finn with just one song. Kurt, Tina, Artie, Mercedes and Brittany tried to be bad and backfired. And in case you were wondering, Quinn posted the Glist.

People whisper in the hallways. They stare. The Gleeks fall silent. Puck has shaved his head! GASP! Brittany doesn’t even recognize him. He tells Santana about how his mom found a mole and freaked out. So she took him to a dermatologist, who shaved his head to find it was nothing. He says he feels like the guy who lost all his hair and his strength. “Sampson?” Santana guesses. “Agassi,” Puck replies. She says she’s not turned on and leaves. Outside, the geeks surround Puck and throw him into the dumpster. Mostly because he lets him. As he lies there pondering his life, he hears Mercedes singing. He thinks she’s suddenly become popular. He needs to do that. And he’s going to do it by dating Mercedes.

Can this girl get a real boyfriend who isn’t gay or just using her, please?

Meanwhile, Rachel takes out a pharmacy. She’s exhausted and needs the vitamin supplements. She thinks it is because she is singing too many solos. She knows she has perfect pitch, sensitive hearing and knows no one is singing. So she made a deal with the AV club to bug the room. We hear Rachel drown everyone out and watch as she makes a Glist of her own. The members who aren’t pulling their weight.

Meanwhile, Puck tries to proposition Mercedes. She turns him down flat. Atta girl!

Will asks why some of the members of his club aren’t singing. Finn stopped because he’s no longer getting the male leads. That would be Jesse. Santana just doesn’t give a damn, Quinn blames hormones and Brittany just can’t remember the lyrics. Will tells them to work together as one. He tells the Glee members to pick a song that represents them, their voice and sing it.

Kurt sees his dad, who is taking Finn to a game. Cue the green-eyed monster!

Puck continues to try to woo Mercedes. Rachel will be singing “The Climb” by Miley Cyrus. She insults the team. She starts to sing but is off. The Glee don’t know whether to laugh or stop her. Will tells her she’s lost her voice.

Dun dun dun!

Sue comes to ask Sue about Kurt’s absence from the Cheerios. He confides in her. Sue actually gives him somewhat decent advice. She says that his generation is too wrapped up in labels and that he shouldn’t label himself. He tries to go on about his song choice but Sue leaves him. We next see him dressed like a hunter and asking his dad about John Mellencamp’s “Pink Houses.” They go bond.

At the doctor’s, Finn supports Rachel. The doctor tells her she has tonsillitis and that her tonsils should’ve been taken out. She doesn’t want it to affect her vocal chords so the doctor starts her out with antibiotics. She asks Finn for advice. He tells her to ask her boyfriend. Oh, she can’t. He’s on spring break and hasn’t really talked to her since the Run, Joey, Run incident. Finn tells her that Jesse wouldn’t support her like he does. Rachel tells him that she still loves Jesse and he loves her. Cue “Jesse’s Girl.” And Rachel knows what it’s about.

Will is pleased by Finn’s choice. Puck decides to go next. He even brings in a jazz band. He says that Sammy Davis, Jr. was an inspiration. He sings “Lady is a Tramp.” That’s one of the best part of this show—the mixing of styles. They can swing from an 80s pop hit to a 60s lounge number like that. Santana thinks she’s losing Puck. The Gleeks swing while Mercedes duets with Puck. Now Santana gets a visit from the Green-Eyed Monster.

Mercedes glides down the hall on cloud nine till she spots Quinn. The song apparently worked and she decides to go with him. Quinn tells her to go for it because he’s annoying her. But she warns Mercedes first that Puck’s using her. She knows but she likes the attention. Then she warns Mercedes that Santana is a force to be reckoned with.

At Glee, a trucker hat supporting Kurt performs his song. Slight applause. Will doesn’t think Kurt got the right song. He tells Kurt to be himself. And gives Kurt even better advice: don’t be someone because it’s easier. But Brittany continues on her quest to be the biggest slut in McKinley High and flirts with Kurt.

Rachel looks like they threw together a mixture of Eponine’s costume and Lea Michele’s Ragtime costume as she eats soup. Finn’s sick of her pity party and decides to introduce her to a friend of his.

Kurt and Brittany make out. Mike O’Malley is surprised to find the two in his son’s room. Mike thought his son was having a murder mystery dinner. Not making out for real. Mike is a bit surprised. He tells Kurt that he’s free to be whoever he wants and he’ll support Kurt either way. He leaves, telling them to use protection. Brittany wonders if that’s a house alarm.

Meanwhile, Mercedes can’t stand listening to Puck go on about Super Mario 3. She tells him she likes frozen coffee drinks. As he goes to get one for her, a nerd flinches. Puck is back to his old reputation. Puck is overjoyed as smiles at Santana. She and Mercedes sing the Monica-Brandy duet “The Boy is Mine.” They start a shoving match as Will referees.

The nerd ends up in the dumpster. Mercedes does not approve. Finn and Rachel visit his friend, Sean. He flirts with Rachel. Sean was injured in a football injury. Paralyzed from the chest down. He asks if she’s pissed about losing her voice. He said he was and even tried to commit suicide. But it was Mom to the rescue. He’s not happier now but he’s accepted that there’s more to him. He’s good at math and can sing. He wished he could have had the courage to join his school’s glee club. Rachel thanks him as she and Finn leave.

Back at school, Mercedes quit the Cheerios. She tells Sue that being a Cheerio wasn’t her. Sue worries about their routine and figures she’ll have to do a diatribe on immigrants. Mercedes tells Puck that he needs to evaluate who he is. Because Mercedes is pretty sure the nerd-dumpster-throwing guy isn’t Puck.

Meanwhile, Brittany is admiring how soft Kurt’s hands are when Mike O’Malley shows up. He has plans with Finn tonight. You can see Kurt’s heart break. Mike tells him they’ll be other times to hang out.

Kurt gets “Rose’s Turn”? That’s awesome.

As Kurt finishes, his dad claps. He tells him he blew off Finn because he knew Kurt was not fine. Not with how he sung. He tells Kurt he’s supporting Kurt and whoever he loves. Kurt knows he’s a disappointment. Mike stops him. He tells Kurt to be himself and Mike is going to love him. They hug and this is so sweet. I really love their relationship.

Rachel goes back to visit Sean. She thanks him for showing her that singing may be what she does best, but it may not be the only thing. She offers to give him singing lessons. Her voice is back after a massive dosage of antibiotics, herbal remedies and silence. She starts to sing “One” by U2. This brings back fond memories from my Youth Group. We sang a lot of U2. And “House of the Rising Sun.” Don’t ask. Sean’s pretty good but we segue into…

Finn singing the song as the group performs it.

Next week: Neil. Patrick. Harris.

Good episode. It was good to see the friendship between Finn and Rachel again. And now I can’t wait for Kurt’s boyfriend next season. And I still want John Barrowman to join the cast as a mentor for him. Turn the tables on dad, even if I love Mike O’Malley and how the role is written. And can we give Mercedes a real boyfriend now? Please?

Quote of the Episode:

“I’m like Tinkerbell, Finn, I need applause to live.”--Rachel

Construction Workers, Gladiators and Vikings, Oh My!

Two guys fight at a construction site until one of them grabs a jackhammer. It looks like one of the guys gets jackhammered until construction worker pulls away to reveal blood. Cue Mac and Hawkes, who confirm it is blood. Flack tells us the fight was a good ole fashion Brooklyn fight between laborers and scabs. They X-Ray the concrete slab to find a body underneath. Paced on it’s position, the victim was buried alive.

CUE THE WHO!

NEW YORK! The crime lab techs cut through the concrete to get to the body as Lindsay takes pictures. And Mac stands around looking…intense? I’ll go with intense. Stella arrives and says the scabs have been getting threats from the striking workers for weeks. The site manager locked the gates but this morning they were open. Lindsay thinks a vehicle broke it down.

At the lab, Sid and Hawkes chisel the body out of the concrete while X-Raying the body as well. They chip away slowly but surely as his face is revealed. Sid pulls something out of his mouth. Mac notes that John Doe took a beating but Sid says COD is suffocation. Mac wants John Doe’s description compared to the records of the site workers. Lindsay tests chain strengths while Hawkes and Sid continue chipping. Hawkes gets fingerprints, Lindsay gets trace. So does Hawkes.

Stella goes to find what Lindsay found out. The perp couldn’t drive anything smaller than a SUV but the tire tracks were made by tires used on sports car. The trace on the fence seem to point to car paint except there isn’t a solvent. So Stella thinks of a push bar. The women think there are two cars. Meanwhile, Adam discovered Hawkes’ trace is Christmas in Hollis, Queen. It’s enhanced marijuana. Adam couldn’t find a comparison to any of the workers, but he found someone who bought marijuana in New Jersey. He gives Hawkes the address.

Flack and Danny go down a skivvy hallway as loud music plays. They knock, wait and then bust down the door. No one is in the apartment and the couch is watching TV. They think the perps jumped the victim in the apartment until Colby Jenkins walks in with pizza. He says he stepped out for toilet paper…before Flack points out he doesn’t have it. Colby lights up and says it’s legal because of his brain cancer. Or at least his medical records say. Danny asks who the victim is. Colby remembers watching TV with John Doe…watching Muppet Babies with “The Gladiator.”

Hawkes brings Mac down to Sid’s lab. John Doe is dressed as a gladiator.

Hawkes examines the gladiator outfit, pulling out a glass shard. Sid focuses on the man in the outfit. He has a puncture wound in his arm. Sid pulls out trace. The Gladiator died forty-eight hours ago. He had bleeding on the brain, probably from the beating. Mac notes that The Gladiator’s hands looked like they beat people up. The guy also had injuries common to boxers. Mac notes that something seems familiar. He was a fan of an amateur boxing champ, who dressed as a gladiator. Joe “The Gladiator” Carthage was rumored to have retired and possibly become an alcoholic.

To the gym! Mac asks the trainer to confirm if John Doe is Joe Carthage. Trainer agrees. He was great until he was put into a coma. He couldn’t fit anymore once he woke up. He had no enemies, worked as a bouncer.

Stella does research on Carthage as Lindsay says the bone fragment found in the wound isn’t even human. Lindsay wonders why Joe was fighting. Mac goes to ask about Joe at work. The co-worker praised him for just doing his job and doing it well. She recalls an incident where Joe stepped in as some patrons got grabsy with the waitress. The patron threatens Joe. The co-worker was grateful to Joe. Flack drags the patron in as Stella squares off with brother. Apparently, their grandfather has a record. He wonders if they were living up to the family name. They are cocky until Stella reveals that their car has the same tires found at Joe’s burial site. Flack thinks they beat him up, dressed him as a gladiator and buried him. The brothers sober up and say that while they have to live up to the family name, they know better then to fight a guy dressed as a gladiator. They just bragged to their friends.

Danny backs up the brothers’ claims. Their Camaro couldn’t have done it. Right tires, wrong tread. They are all talk—they have no criminal records and are on the Dean’s List at Hofstra. I was a Dean’s List student. The glass Hawkes found has advanced technology used by several businesses, including one that folded in Manhattan. Danny and Hawkes go and find signs of struggle. And blood. Whoever beat up the Gladiator tried to spackle the evidence. Danny notes the cameras all pointing at that wall. Hawkes sprays it with Luminal, Danny turns the shades on the windows and the wall glows. They process the scene with Adam’s help.

At the lab, everyone mobs Mac. Hawkes and Lindsay confirm the abandoned office is the crime scene. Adam says that the bone is whale bone while Lindsay says that an indent was made by a Norse sword. Lindsay pulls up footage and says a Viking killed the Gladiator.

This is starting to sound like a high school football game.

We see a Viking fighting a lumberjack. Is this the Halloween version of Fight Club. It’s Blood and Guts Bawling. Lindsay says it’s supposed to be all for show and no one is not supposed to die. Mac wonders why Joe would take the risk. Adam is going though the footage from the security cameras. Flack and Stella go to where the IP address led them—to Branson, the promoter of Blood and Guts Brawling. Branson doesn’t meet most of his fighters. He just arranges the fights, tweets the locations and everyone shows up. Branson has the fight and says it looked good. Everyone was alive at the end. Branson says Joe wasn’t like the other fighters. He was just eager to fight. Flack arrests him for organizing illegal fights.

We see the Viking vs the Gladiator. Joe lands a blow, so does the Viking. Joe gets the upper hand. Viking pierces Joe with his helmet—hence the whale bone. Joe wins with the Viking surrendering. Joe tells him they had a good fight before enjoying his victory. Joe could’ve fallen unconscious later and the person he was with could’ve panicked. They need to ID the Viking.

The landlord lets Mac into Joe’s apartment. Mac spots a bag under the bed. He pulls out red boxing gloves, red boxers and a red sign saying “Wanna Fight?” Next, Mac finds pictures of Joe and his trainer as well as Joe in the ring. Mac’s mind plays memories of Joe’s victories in the ring.

Adam’s at the lab, going over Branson’s phone. Hawkes goes over the concrete for more trace. He finds gold? Adam finds an Erik Overson. I think he’s the Viking! And I’m correct. He only has a few misdemeanors. But there is no connection between Overson and Joe as well as Brooklyn. Overson comes in and swears that Joe was alive when he left him. Mac says they have proof of felony assault. Overson says he didn’t know about Joe’s condition. Mac gets a call. Hawkes finds a pendant given only to trainers of amateur boxing champs. The trainer buried Joe.

Mac goes back the gym with the trainer’s pendant. Mac asks about Branson and if the trainer knew that he recruited Joe to his fighting league. The trainer was asked to convince Joe to fight to save his gym. Branson showed up the office and texted the trainer. He discovered an unconscious Joe. He called the trainer, who says he’s gone. So the trainer and Branson buried Joe. The Viking has a defense—an accident. But trainer doesn’t—he committed murder. Trainer says that for one brief moment, Joe had his dignity back and let him live again. Mac reveals that Trainer buried Joe alive. He was only in a coma-like state. Unis come in to arrest the trainer as Mac looks on. He sees a shadow of Joe, in his glory, in the ring.

Next week: Little kid vs Skivvy Adult. Who will win To Tell the Truth?