OUAT: The Wizard and I

Neal is dead.

(Rest in Peace, Neal)

The episode features his funeral, intercut with scenes of Rumple being thrown back into his cage to mourn alone. Everybody was called in for the funeral and so there’s a nice crowd there to send Neal to his final resting place. Hook, Belle, Charming, Regina, Emma and Henry all toss dirt onto Neal’s coffin.


But this is Zelena’s origins story, not just a memorial to the fallen Neal. I just thought it was more fitting to open the recap with it. The episode really starts in what must be Oz as a married couple walks the Yellow Brick Road. (Hum along, everyone!) The sky turns green as a twister touches down. Take cover, you two. Twisters don’t bode well for Ozians. But instead of a house, this one drops a basket. A basket with a baby inside. The woman picks the baby up and says they ought to raise her. But the man sees the baby do magic and takes the stance that all magic is evil, despite the fact the baby actually did magic to save them from a falling tree branch. He is against it but is overruled by his wife. She names the baby Zelena and they continue on to the Emerald night club city.

Years later, the woman has died and it leaves Zelena to care for her drunk of a father. She shaves her father but accidentally nicks him. Using her magic, she conjures up a towel to help stop the bleeding but the father won’t have it. He continues to tell her that her magic is evil, that she is evil. And then he reveals that she was adopted. So Zelena goes to find her biological family.

In Storybrooke, everyone goes to Granny for the mourning meal. Emma takes out her anger on the dartboard and Hook tries to talk to her. He offers to talk to Henry, to tell him about Neal. After all, Hook did know Neal as a boy. Emma thanks him for the offer and warns him to be careful. Hook swears that nothing will harm Henry while he’s around. Emma is touched.

Tinker Bell catches sight of Robin’s tattoo. She hurries to Regina’s side, learning that Regina knows. The fairy asks what Regina’s going to do about Robin but Regina doesn’t have anything planned. Robin comes over to ask why Regina all but ran away from him the day before. She claims to have been following a dead end lead while Tinker Bell tries to set Regina on fire with her glare. Robin offers her a drink but Regina refuses. Tinker Bell wants to throttle Regina as she walks off in disgust.

(Tinker Bell. Maybe the biggest Outlaw Queen shipper ever)

Zelena bursts in and everyone tenses up. 

(She was the bad guy all the time? GASP!) 

Hook’s already left with Henry, I guess, so no one worries about him learning about Storybrooke’s secret. David stands in front of Mary Margaret but Zelena says she’s not here for the baby. She’s there for her sister. Everyone looks around until Zelena tells them it is Regina. This time around, Regina’s not willing to believe her. But Zelena insists its true. She tells Regina to meet her by the clock at sundown for a duel. Regina tells her this isn’t the wild west and Zelena replies that it’s the wicked west.

Yes. They went there.

Where’s the bird with the rimshot app when you need him?

In Oz, Zelena makes it to the Emerald night club city and makes it past the bouncer guard to see the DJ Wizard. He tells her that she came from another world, abandoned by her mother because she got in the way of Cora’s royal ambitions. But Cora became a princess and had a daughter, Zelena’s sister Regina. Zelena hates her instantly. She sees Regina studying with Rumplestilskin and wants to work with the Dark One herself. So the Wizard gives her silver slippers that can travel between worlds. With three clicks of her heels, she’s off to the Enchanted Forest!

(Snazzy footwear!) 

Back in Storybrooke, Regina is still reeling from Zelena’s revelation. She’s surrounded by Granny, Mary Margaret, Emma and Tink as they try to figure things out. They ask if Cora ever mentioned Zelena before but Regina swears her mother never informed her of another child. But she knows where she can get some answers.

The answers are kept in her vault, where Regina keeps her magical items and stolen hearts. She digs through a trunk and finds a letter. After reading it, she declares that Zelena is right. She and Regina are sisters.
I’d watch out for falling houses, Regina.

Meanwhile, our intrepid heroes take Belle to the storm cellar so she can see Rumple. She rushes down and the two have a sweet reunion. But he’s powerless as Zelena has his dagger. Belle promises to free him as Zelena appears in the cellar. She chases Belle from the place, telling her that her true love for Rumple is no match for his dagger. And to prove it, she sics Rumple on his lady love as well as her entourage: David, Emma and Tinker Bell. They get the message.

In the Enchanted Forest, Zelena meets Rumplestilskin. He believes she is Cora’s daughter and is intrigued to meet her firstborn. Zelena shows off her powers, further intriguing the Dark One. He offers to train her like he’s training Regina. Though his training with Zelena involves a sexually tense game of Marco Polo in the woods. Zelena impresses Rumple and she offers to cook him dinner. Looks like that’s another thing the sisters have in common. Also, I think Zelena is in love with Rumple. Eww. He slept with her mother. Or at least wanted to.

Over dinner, Rumple talks about his dark curse. You know, the one he wants to catch to go to the land without magic to find his son. The one that set this entire show into motion. He’s looking for someone to cast it for him. Zelena is all for it and he thinks she might just be the one. But he still goes to give Regina lessons, wanting to have a backup just in case.

In the Kinda Enchanted Forest outside Storybrooke, Regina mulls Rumple’s letter when Robin sneaks up on her. He goes over to talk to her, asking if she wants to discuss the letter. She denies there’s a letter but he reveals he’s already picked it from her pocket. He is a master thief, after all. He also thinks that Regina wants to discuss the letter as he’s not a pile of smoldering ashes. So she lets him read it. Rumple tells Cora he’s found her firstborn, who is talented and “stunning in every way.” Robin looks directly at Regina when he reads this bit.

(Excuse my while I swoon)

He says the letter is complimentary. Regina says she always thought so and used to read it whenever she needed a pick me up. Because she always thought the letter was about her, but she realizes that it has to be Zelena. After all, Regina was an only child. Why else would Rumple have to call her Cora’s “first born”?

Night falls on Storybrooke as we join Hook and Henry’s bonding session. Hook has spent the afternoon teaching Henry how to sail and gives the boy a gift—a sextant. Henry is utterly confused. Hook explains that it’s used for navigation. “Like a GPS,” Henry says. Now Hook is utterly confused. He explains he taught Neal how to use one when he was Henry’s age. Henry looks at Hook and says that Hook is the same age as his father. Hook quickly changes the subject.

("Way to blow it, Hook!")

The townsfolk have gathered for the Wicked vs. Evil showdown as ordered by Zelena. But Regina looks to be a no show. Emma offers to take on Zelena but the witch dismisses her. She threatens to have the Dark One start hurting people for every minute Regina doesn’t show up and Rumple looks so sorry about it. But Regina shows and a battle of insults begin.

(Only thing missing is the soundtrack to a spaghetti western)

Back in Fairy Tale Land, Zelena has snuck into King Leopold’s castle and hides in Regina’s room. She watches her sister brush her hair before revealing herself. Before Regina can get in a good quip, Zelena plunges a knife into her throat. How does Regina survive? Well, it’s not Regina! It’s Rumple, disguised as Regina. Zelena failed his test—she gave into her envy of Regina. And she proved that she isn’t the one to cast his curse. To cast the curse, the caster has to give up the person they love the most. Zelena loves Rumple the most and it won’t do him any good if he dies. So, Regina it is.

Zelena is enraged to hear that. And jealous as all hell. Her skin starts to turn green, to her surprise. Rumple says that her inner feeling is starting to manifest on the outside. Zelena holds up her skirts, revealing her slippers. She says she has the power to travel between worlds and could’ve taken Rumple there without his dark curse. But he blew that. Rumple tries to reason with her but she clicks her heels three times and goes back to Oz.

(Zelena, out!)

In the streets of Storybrooke, the sisters have stopped exchanging insults as Regina asks what she ever did to Zelena. “You were born,” the witch snarls. She then hurls her sister into the clock tower. Ouch. Before anyone can go check on Regina, Zelena flies up and sticks her hand into her sister’s chest. But Regina knows a thing or two—she’s removed her heart. Cora taught her well. Which Zelena would know if Cora hadn’t, you know, given her away. Zelena says this isn’t over—of course not, it’s only episode 16—and flies off, Dark One in tow.

So where’s Regina’s heart? In the woods, being guarded by Robin. She says her mother taught her one good thing. And she says that Zelena, while tossing around insults, said that Regina didn’t always appreciate what she had. Regina admits she is right. Robin asks for explanation but Regina just gives him a vague response. She means you, Robin. She just can’t admit it yet. She puts her heart in a pouch and hands it to him, asking him to keep it safe. He asks if she’s really going to entrust her heart to a common thief and she says he can’t steal something given to him. He reminds her she owes him a drink and she agrees she does.

(She gave him her heart!) 

I’ve died from the Outlaw Queen feels. I will now finish the recap from the afterlife.

Hook returns Henry to his mother. He asks how the showdown went and Emma’s like “It’s going to be a tough ride.” She thanks him for taking Henry and even calls him Killian!

Captain Swan feels on top of Outlaw Queen feels? Good thing I’m already dead.

We finish in Oz, where Zelena returns to the Wizard. This time, she’s entirely green. And pissed off. She pulls open the curtain to reveal the man behind the myth. And it’s Christopher Gorman! He’s the Wizard! I didn’t see that coming. Bravo, Once Upon a Time. He reveals he’s a sham, a visitor from a place called Kansas who has amassed a collection of magical items. Hence why he wanted something from the Dark One’s lair. Zelena is in no mood and she gets inspiration from one of his posters, which features a monkey with wings. Christopher Gorham becomes Flying Monkey Prime and Zelena’s slave as the episode ends.

(Yeah, really didn't see this one coming)>span>

So that’s Zelena’s origins. And while the episode was good, I’m confused. From what we were told, her mother in Oz was a good one. And she didn’t have any idea she was adopted until her father said something. So why does she have such mommy issues? Shouldn’t she have daddy issues? And we didn’t see enough of her life prior to learning the truth—did she hate living in such poverty? Is that why she hates Regina for having such wealth?

So many, many questions.

(Screen caps from here)