"The Talks"

Last time on “How I Met Your Mother”: Ted got left at the altar, lost his job and was attacked by a goat on his birthday. Marshall got his first job as a lawyer, even if it wasn’t his dream job, while he and Lily moved in to a new apartment. Robin quit her job, moved to Japan, moved back, got a new job and moved in with Ted. Barney spent the entire season pining for Robin yet being awesome. As Marshall finally made the leap from Ted’s apartment building to the next, Ted decided to give teaching a go while Robin and Barney decided to give a relationship a go.

We start on Ted’s first day of school. Future!Ted tells his kids that their mom was in the class but before he continues, he flashes to last June. Lily celebrates Robin and Barney, who say they aren’t a couple. Lily is bummed out and mourns the loss of couple activities over a giant container of ice cream. Marshall gives Ted an Indiana Jones hat and whip to celebrate his new job. Barney has a whip guide. Anyone surprised? After Robin and Barney excuse themselves to go on dates, the others go to whip stuff in the alley behind McLaren’s. However, Marshall gets whipped, leading to them discovering Robin and Barney making out on the couch.

Credits!

Lily celebrates but the duo tells her they aren’t boyfriend/girlfriend. Apparently, they tried to have “The Talk,” kept getting distracted and decided not to have “The Talk.” Lily tells them to. They make out instead. Meanwhile, Ted gets caught in a nightmare classic—including the “no pants” part. Barney wakes him but just wants condoms. At the bar, the gang helps him with his dream—including Barney telling him he should’ve tapped the blonde questioning him and Marshall reminding him to wear the Indy get-up. Lily is still focused on Barney and Robin. Barney says he’s happy and tells Lily to back off. Until Brad invites Robin to a hockey game. Then Barney has a reason.

Robin apologizes for being quiet (Zoom: Robin shouting at a play). Robin tires to talk to Brad, who thinks Robin is going to have “The Talk” with him. But she tells him about Barney. Brad encourages her to have “The Talk” with Barney. Meanwhile, Marshall is doing the same with Barney. Ted disagrees with him…because of Barney’s rules about girlfriends—also the same rules for owning a Gremlin. Zoom: Ted and Barney at McLaren’s in tuxedos. Barney’s rules:

Never get them wet—IE Don’t let them use the shower
Never expose them to sunlight—IE Don’t see them in the day time
Never feed them after midnight—IE Don’t let them stay for breakfast

Barney has done all of these with Robin, ergo, she is his girlfriend. At the game, Brad and Robin get on Kiss-Cam, so he tells her to kiss him and see if she feels guilty. Robin decides this is a good test but Barney interrupts. He punches Brad, reels in pain and then the two play their denial game again. Lily gets frustrated.

On his first day, Ted forgets how to spell “Professor” and spazzes.

At the apartment, Barney and Robin wake up to realize they are locked in. Lily won’t let them out until they have “The Talk.”

Lily won’t budge. Robin says she and Barney will just have sex rather than “The Talk.” Barney is game. However, Lily expected this. She brought Marshall along to do the same. He awkwardly says hi to his trapped friends.

Ted has an awkward start, plus images of Barney floating around a blonde co-ed on a cloud. Ted refuses to take a question—or else he would’ve found out he was in the wrong class. Though Future!Ted tells us the kids’ mom was in that class. As Lily refuses each of Barney and Robin’s answers, Ted ignores every hint the class drops that he’s not in Architecture 101. My question is: Where is the professor? Oh, there he is! And Ted finally realizes the truth. As the Indiana Jones theme plays (and John Williams gets another royalty check), Ted races across the campus. Twenty minutes and the kids were still there? At my college, we’d have left after ten. Fifteen for adjuncts. But now, Ted doesn’t have to worry about his introduction.

Everyone congratulates Ted—including Barney through the door. After Marshall wafts the smell of pancakes into Robin’s room, she and Barney have “The Talk” (with a cue from Lily). Their choice: Lie to Lily. However, I don’t think they’re doing much lying there. They decide to go to brunch as Ted reveals to Lily they were lying. But Lily thinks like me.

Tag: Marshall wears a tuxedo to the bar as payback for not being invited to Ted and Barney’s tuxedo night.

So, first episode of the season. Thumbs up, thumbs down? Who do you think the mother is? I’m still hoping that Victoria is taking some economics courses to help her bakery business. And how do you feel about Robin and Barney?

Quote of the episode: "We're Bar-Man and Robin." --One of Barney and Robin's answers