The Return of the Captain

The episode begins in the year 2021. Ted is stuck in an airport in Hong Kong. He’s trying to get on a flight, but it seems all are cancelled due to weather. Ted yells at the attendant, wondering why they could invent a holographic cell phone but not a plane that can fly in bad weather. The attendant could care less and is saved from more of Ted’s ranting by someone calling his name. It’s Wendy the Waitress!

And there’s a funny story…

Plot A: Ted and Zoey! They’re together! And they’ll tell everyone about it! Ted tells Wendy the Waitress their story: Once upon a time, Zoey was trapped in a marriage to the Captain. One day, they had a big fight and the Captain asked for a divorce. Heartbroken, Zoey moved on and Ted swooped in to be her Knight in Shining Armor. You have to give Wendy the Waitress credit for not throwing up during this. She is clearly disgusted and walks off.

Zoey mentions that she still hasn’t picked up one box from her old apartment and asks Ted to retrieve it for her. I’m not entirely sure why Zoey can’t do it. I guess she’s busy protesting…something? Ted says no as he’s terrified of the Captain. Zoey assures him that the Captain is out most of the day. Besides, he left the box with their doorman anyway. So, Ted agrees to go get it because once again, Zoey is busy doing something else.

So, Ted goes to pick up the box. And guess who he runs into? The Captain! And in a great moment, you first only see Kyle MacLachan’s eyes, which as you recall say “I’m gonna kill you!” The Captain is relieved to see Ted, eager to talk to a friend. So, into the study they go. The Captain cries on Ted’s shoulder. He tells a different story of the marriage and divorce. In his, Zoey and he were happily married. Then she asked for a divorce and he pleaded with her to stay. She agreed and they made love. (Cue Ted’s disgusted look). But then Zoey was gone.

The Captain then reveals to Ted his shocking news—he believes Zoey left him for another man! Ted acts upset for the Captain’s sake, but is secretly worried. The Captain vows vengeance and Ted extracts himself from the study. The gang at MacLaren’s tells him that it’s all over now that he got Zoey’s box.
Ted forgot the box.

So he goes back to get it but runs into the Captain again. And it’s back into the study again. The Captain tells Ted he’s figured out who the scallywag Zoey left him for is. As Ted tries to remember if he’s revised his last will and testament, the Captain reveals that it is none other than the doorman! Dun dun dun! Ted talks the Captain down. He tells the Captain that he and Zoey just weren’t meant for each other—she hates boats for goodness sake! The Captain will meet another woman, one who loves boats as much as he. This cheers the Captain up and gives him hope.

With that, Ted finally gets the courage to tell the Captain the truth. That Zoey didn’t leave the Captain for the Doorman; she left the Captain for Ted. And he then proceeds to run as if the hounds of hell were chasing him, doubling back to grab the box.

At MacLaren’s, Zoey thanks Ted for getting the box. He asks Zoey if the Captain’s story had any truth to it…and she admits it did. Ted feels like the bad guy for breaking up the marriage, but Zoey assures him he isn’t. She says her marriage would’ve ended whether or not Ted was there, calming him down for now.

Plot B: Marshall may have left Minnesota and come back to New York, but there’s still something wrong. Barney can even detect that Lily hasn’t had sex in a long time. Marshall just seems depressed and distracted lately.

So, Lily tries to get Marshall interested and in bed. But he’s too busy watching a documentary on Garbage Island. He gets teary-eyed as he sees dead fish and birds trapped in plastic rings. As the documentary drags on into the night and Lily falls asleep, Marshall hears the narrator start talking to him. He asks Marshall what he is going to do to help Garbage Island.

And Marshall is back on his crusade to save the environment! And he’s going to start with MacLaren’s! He’s convinced them to start recycling the empty bottles. Wendy the Waitress comes up and yells at Marshall. She is the one who has to lug all the bottles to her car and then into a facility. The bottles are extremely heavy and she threw out her back. Marshall, though, has no sympathy. He’s glad MacLaren’s is recycling. And he has a plan for GNB that will help the company become greener. Barney asks how much it will cost because that’s all the suits will hear. And all Marshall will hear is the sound of them firing him. But Marshall wants to do this.

But all Lily wants to do is get laid. Marshall, though, is focused on his proposition. He makes a deal with Lily. If she leaves him alone, they’ll have sexy times after he makes his proposal. Lily agrees.

And so Marshall makes his proposal. Arthur only cares about the price tag. Finally, he asks the board if anyone approves of Marshall’s plan. One person, Meeker, does. Arthur fires him. He is about to do the same to Marshall, when an aide leans in to remind the boss that Marshall just lost his father. Arthur tells Marshall it was a good proposal and they’ll consider it. Marshall is ecstatic.

And so is Lily! She and Marshall can have sexy-times now. Lily’s in something lacy and bought a pack of beer for the occasion. Marshall focuses on the six beers sitting in ice and asks where the plastic divider was. Lily doesn’t know; she probably threw it down the garbage chute. Marshall asks if she cut them so that birds weren’t trapped inside them. Lily didn’t. I must say I’ve always done that since I was a child. Anyway, Marshall says there will be no sexy-times until he finds those plastic rings.

And it’s a testament to either Lily’s devotion or Lily’s desperation that she ends up dumpster diving with her husband to find the plastic rings. She finally asks Marshall why he cares so much and we finally reach the truth of the situation. His father’s death has caused him to re-evaluate his life. And he’s been remembering his wish to help the environment, to be the man his father believed he was. Lily is understanding and tells her husband to do what he feels he has to do. She even agrees to putting off having a baby until then.

You’ll have my thoughts on that later.

Plot C: Barney and Nora. They enjoyed playing laser tag together, though the boy scout troop gave them a run for their money. Nora gives Barney her number and he throws it away when she is gone. Robin believes that Barney really likes Nora, though, and gives him the number again. Barney tears it up and refuses to acknowledge that Nora meant something to him. In fact, he hits on Robin, saying it must be time for them to have sloppy seconds. Robin decides to call him on it and says to meet her in the apartment the next day.

And Barney shows up, to Robin’s annoyance. She starts lecturing him but Barney cuts her off to ask for Nora’s number. He tried to put the napkin together but was unsuccessful. And he couldn’t ready Robin’s handwriting either. So, he gets Nora’s number.

And that’s pretty much it.

We return to 2021 where Ted asks Wendy the Waitress what she’s doing in Hong Kong. She says she’s there with her husband. Turns out she was dragging the bottles out to the car when she ran into Meeker! He helped her drag a bag over to the car and they bonded over their mutual hatred of Marshall. And they were happily married!

Ted is happy for them; Wendy asks if he’s still with Zoey. And here we learn that Zoey is NOT the Mother. In fact, that relationship is going to explode, according to Ted. Should be fun to watch. Ted says it’s a funny story about how he met his wife—it was at this wedding…Wendy, though, is smart. She cuts him off and rushes off. Ted calls Marshall on his holographic cell to tell him what just happened.

Well, that was an interesting episode. It was was nice call back to Natural History, when we were told that Corporate Marshall was soon to be extinct. It’s also nice to show that there are always two sides to a story as well as the fact that we will usually tell a story and cast ourselves in the best light possible. And now we wait to see how Zoey and Ted’s relationship crashes and burns. The one thing that gets me is the Lily-Marshall plotline. They've been so focused on the two having a baby that it's a bit jarring for them to put it on the backburner. We'll see what happens now.

Quote of the Episode

"The eggs are already broken. Let's just try to make a good omelet out of them."--Zoey to Ted about her divorce