Who Makes Mama Tyra Proud?

The last cycle: We had 14 contestants and fights, fights, fights. Tonight, we crown America’s Next Top Model. Will it be McKey/Cage Girl? Or what about Analeigh? Or will it be Samantha? Oh, are they bringing back Jeremy Scott, that whiner?

Bring on the winner, baby!

Amsterdam! And TYRA MAIL! “Makkelijk, Fris, Mooi” (Thank you to my new DVR). For us who don’t speak Dutch, Sam translates: Easy, breezy, beautiful. Time for Cover Girl commercials! In Dutch!

Mr. Jay stares as the girls face the opposite way from him. He finally yells “Behind you!” and they turn around. And we know what this: commercial and then the final photo shoot. The winner’s picture will be displayed in both Times Square and Wal-Mart. Mr. Jay brings out Whitney, who talks about the product and then tells them they will be kissing someone. They hit makeup and hair, where Analeigh admits she freezes.

The three girls tell us that the commercial is three girls, on a boat who spot a cute guy and kiss him. Sam goes first and doesn’t have her usual energy. Sam wishes the boy doesn’t have herpes. Lovely. She kisses him as Jay dismisses her. McKey goes in for hers and is frozen in fear from her last (horrible) commercial. Is she in front of a green screen? She sounded good, but kept moving. It’s like when I was in public presentation class and the teacher talked about NOT rocking when speaking. Then Analeigh gets in front of the camera and blanks.

Commercial. Anyone else want to see “Four Christmases”?

Canals! Analeigh just breezes through the takes and not in a good way. Jay has to feed her the lines. He praises the way she takes direction, but she needs to find it. And then she gets the kiss. Mr. Jay calls it a wrap on the boat. Now, Jim de Yonker comes back to shoot the photo shoot without Mr. Jay. Sam tries to channel recently departed Marjorie’s Hunchback of Notre Dame pose. Cage Girl scares me when she smiles. Jim calls it a wrap.

TYRA MAIL! “Tomorrow you will meet with the judges. Only two of you will continue on in hopes of becoming America’s Next Top Model.” Analeigh mourns the short tenure of her photo. Sam rubs it in but then it reveals that it’s because she knows she could go home. She and Analeigh fret while McKey sleeps like a baby.

JUDGING! Where’s the rest of Tyra’s outfit? She introduces the guest judge as Addy van den Krommenacker (once again, thank you DVR!), the fashion designer the final two will walk the runway for. They view the commercial. McKey is hardly in it. Sam’s individual is up first. Nigel says she was distracted by herself. Ms. J didn’t understand her. They see her picture and don’t like her smile. Analeigh is next. You can tell she’s pausing to get the next line. Paulina calls her a good actress but wonders what happens. Tyra notes she’s good with the teleprompter. And for the picture, Tyra shows Analeigh how to close her lips and not be too sexy. McKey is last. She turned it out from the last shot though the designer thinks she went too fast. Her picture is praised. She is warned not to look crazy.

I love McKey’s outfit though. And it’s Whitney’s last “My Life as a Cover Girl.” And it’s just all her old ones set to “I’ll Melt With You.” Anyone else notice that they tend to take the girl with the most personality and suck it right out of them for these spots? Man.

Deliberation. Sam screams “catalogue” but can’t pull it off. Analeigh has a great body but Paulina worries about her face. They praise McKey but worry about her work, comparing her to Lurch. ELIMINATION! The first girl safe is: McKey. I really want to know where she got that dress! I’ve been looking for a cute sun dress for summers now! BRING BACK THE CUTE SUN DRESS! Anyway, Analeigh and Sam are in the final two. Analeigh has strong poses but a weak face. Samantha looks commercial but couldn’t pull off a commercial shot. So, who’s stomping against McKey? WAIT, THE HELL? It’s SAMANTHA? Damn you, Tyra. Good news, that idiot who posted on Wikipedia was wrong. But now, I want him/her to be right about the winner—GO CAGE GIRL! Analeigh should be in the bottom two, damn you.

You know, this is like when Saleisha won. They are pitting McKey, who they fear the walk, with someone with a so-so book. It’s Saleisha-Chantal all over again. Anyway, Sam and McKey met Ann Shoket to shoot their Seventeen cover shot. Ann says it’ll be a tough call.

AMSTERDAM! Mr. Jay shows Sam and McKey the runway. Which is very pink. He calls it “Willy Wonka-Dr. Suessian.” He has hills, warning them that it won’t be the hills but the length that gets him. Whitney comes to lead off the show, per usual. The final two hit hair and makeup. Sutan gives Sam a pep talk as the audience fills in. Well, at least they have an audience unlike Saleisha-Chantal’s walk. Tyra goes to speak to the girls and glad to hear them say they are nervous—to release the tension. She tells them to make Mama proud. Sam promises us the best runway show ever.

McKey is nervous something will go wrong as Mr. Jay goes over the runway. The judges enter while Ms. J has some giant balloon. And thus, the fashion starts. I like Addy’s designs so far. Looks like stuff I’d actually wear. And McKey further proves she’s easily distracted as she talks about the audience having fun. She talks about running up the hill in her tin foil dress. Sam quickly changes, as does McKey. Sam struggles to put her shoes on as McKey does her next turn. I like Sam’s final dress over McKey’s. Now, the finale. I don’t think these two are the strongest walkers in the bunch—Analeigh was the last great walker. Tyra praises the girls walking though—saying they stood out. I’m not sure—we know they stood out because the cameras only focused on them. With that…

I WANT THOSE DRESSES! I mean, JUDGING! So, which villainess’ closet did Tyra raid for that? Anyway, we have judges, Ms. J’s bling and the prizes: a contract with Elite Management, a spread and cover in Seventeen Magazine and a contract with Cover Girl cosmetics.

McKey: Tyra liked her faces. I thought she was glaring at them the entire time.

Sam: Tyra compares her to a butterfly. Ms. J loved her walk with the chiffon. Tyra worried about her nerves going to her mouth.

Now it’s time to review the work. Modeling 101 to two of their best pictures—their swimsuits. Sam does look better with short hair. Tyra likes McKey’s muscles. They focus on McKey’s legs. Sam is praised for her face. Tyra’s shoot—Nigel loved Sam’s natural shot but McKey’s glam shot. Tyra and Ms. J like Sam’s glam. Paulina likes how she uses her limb. Now the judges will deliberate and the winner will be declared.

Top Models in Action! ANYA! How, she was beautiful. That was a tough call between her and Whitney. Of course, fortunately, she doesn’t have to talk. She does look better as a brunette though, but still looks absolutely stunning.

So judges final thoughts:

Samantha
Nigel: Samantha looks commercial but is great at high-fashion. Photographs well.
Paulina: She looks like a healthy, California beauty. Needs to practice her walk.
Tyra and Ms. J: Love how she moves her body.

McKey
Nigel: Didn’t see a star until the walk. Thinks she did better at the walk, but not as elegance.
Ms. J: Loves her body.

And I really want those dresses, especially Samantha’s. So, only one can become America’s Next Top Model.

And she is: McKey! Looks like that idiot got at least ONE thing right. Well, okay, s/he knew Marjorie wouldn’t make it to the final three. McKey hugs a crying Samantha then goes to celebrate as Tyra hugs Samantha. I hope she gets to keep that dress. Anyone know where a cheap knock-off can be found? McKey celebrates. Tyra makes her work her neck so hard, I’m surprised she didn’t get whiplash. She was a cute kid.

Nigel shoots McKey’s winner’s shoot as Mr. Jay celebrates with them.

And so, McKey joins the ranks and one can hope she demands better My Life as a Cover Girl. Are you happy? Mad? Sad? Thinking the final two shouldn’t have been the final two, like me? Let me know!

Meanwhile, I’m switching to Pushing Daisies until Cycle 12! Don’t cancel it on me, ABC!