Hello, Dolly!: I Wish I Could Find a Witty Subtitle for This

I know it’s just an algorithm but I feel bad for my “Recommended For You” list on Disney+. I am all over the board so it’s a strange mish-mosh of National Geographic specials, behind the scenes documentaries and musicals.

I love musicals.

Anyway, I was surprised when I was going through my “Recommended for You” list and Hello, Dolly! popped up. I didn’t realize it was on Disney+ and so I decided to give it a watch.

Now you get to enjoy my thoughts on it!

Put on your Sunday clothes when you feel down and SPOILERS!

We open in turn-of-the-century New York. People advise the viewer by song that if they need to meet someone or want to make a match, they need to “Call On Dolly.” We then meet this Dolly - Dolly Levi (Barbra Streisand), a widow who is a professional matchmaker amongst other professions as she tries to keep herself afloat financially. Pretty much, Dolly is a professional busybody and tells everyone to “Just Leave Everything to Me.”

(Mrs. Dolly Levi)

(“Just Leave Everything to Me” was written specifically for Streisand and replaces “I Put My Hand In” from the stage show).

She arrives at a train station and explains that she’s heading up to Yonkers as she has some business with Horace Vandergelder. The clerk at the station notes he’s a very wealthy bachelor and Dolly says she hopes the clerk isn’t insinuating that she’s trying to marry him. Because she totally is. She hops onboard the train and it pulls out of the station, running along the Hudson River as the credits roll.

(I know this is supposed to be New York in the early 1900s but as someone who took the Hudson line a lot in college, I don’t think the trip up to Yonkers would be that long or scenic. They filmed the Yonkers parts in Garrison, which is further up on the Hudson, so that most likely explains it).

Up in Yonkers, we meet Horace Vandergelder (Walter Mathau) as he’s getting a shave and arguing with his niece, Ermengarde Vandergelder (Joyce Ames). She’s in love with a young artist and wants to marry him. Horace, though, doesn’t think it’s a prudent match and won’t give his blessing. He sends her to her room, telling her to wait for Dolly to arrive. She will then take Ermengarde to New York City to introduce her to eligible suitors her uncle believe would be better suitors for her.

He then confides in his barber that he’s going to New York City himself to call on one Irene Molloy. The barber wishes him luck before Horace heads down to his store. He calls for his two employees, Cornelius Hackl (Michael Crawford) and Barnaby Tucker (Danny Lockin), and reluctantly puts them in charge of the store. It tells them that he’s going to ask Irene to marry him before singing “It Takes a Woman” about why he wants a wife.

(Horace, Cornelius and Barnaby)

Pretty much, he doesn’t want a wife. He wants someone who will do EVERYTHING around the house without complaining or wanting to be paid but will also be pretty to look at.

That’s when Dolly shows up and I’m sure was very amused by the whole song. Unfortunately, she doesn’t dress him down then and there. Instead, we deal with bickering that’s supposed to belie some sexual tension but is just two people who can’t stand each other, which was true of Mathau and Streisand. And unfortunately, they don’t have the great chemistry that can overpower their hatred for each other to sell the couple.

And unfortunately, the Dolly plot requires some romantic tension between her and Horace so this isn’t going to go well.

Anyway, Dolly manages to put some doubt into Horace’s head about marrying Irene by promising to introduce him to an heiress. He’s intrigued and heads off to New York to still call on Irene as well as march in some parade.

Dolly then heads back to Horace’s house and finds a young man on a ladder trying to coax Ermengarde to run away with him to elope. This is Ambrose Kemper (Tommy Tune), the man she’s in love with. Dolly climbs up the ladder, forcing Ambrose and herself through the window into Ermengarde’s bedroom. She comes up with a way for them to show Horace that Ambrose can provide for Ermengarde. They are going to have dinner at the Harmonia Gardens and compete in their dance contest to win the prize money.

(Did Ambrose really need that ladder?)

How does this prove that Ambrose can provide for Ermengarde? It really doesn’t. This is all part of Dolly’s plan to get Horace.

Meanwhile, Cornelius decides that it’s time he and Barnaby live their lives. Barnaby is less sure but Cornelius convinces them to explode some old cans of chicken feed to stink up the store. While it’s airing out, they can go to New York City themselves, see the sights and hopefully kiss a girl. So after setting off the cans, Cornelius starts singing “Put On Your Sunday Clothes.”

(If you’ve watched the Pixar movie “WALL-E,” you’ve heard this performance).

Everyone does put on their best clothes and dances through Garrison Yonkers as they go to wait for the train to New York City. Along the way, Dolly teaches Ermengarde and Ambrose how to dance while telling Cornelius and Barnaby that they need to visit one Irene Molloy. It seems the pieces of her chess game are moving and as they board the train to New York, they all vow not to return home until they fall in love.

(As you do)

Alright then.

In New York City, we meet Irene Molloy (Marianne McAndrew) and Minnie Fay (E.J. Peaker). They work together at a millinery, meaning they make hats – specifically fancy hats for women. Because these are either late Victorian or early Edwardian times and women love their fancy hats. Especially the wealthy, well-to-do women. Irene admits she can’t stand her customers and knows many of them judge her, thinking that a working woman like her must also be a loose woman. And so Irene has to walk the straightest line possible to prove to them that she’s nothing of the sort.

And she’s tired of it.

She wants to have a little fun and start to earn her reputation, especially before she marries Horace Vandergelder. Minnie thinks this is all so much fun and wants to join in as well. But first, she needs to fix some rich lady’s hat because she wants more feathers even though Minnie has told her that ribbons down the back is en vogue that summer. Irene tells Minnie to make their customer a new hat and she’ll keep the old one for her fun.

(Irene and Minnie)

Irene then starts to sing “Ribbons Down My Back” and I realized right away that she was dubbed. Melissa Stafford provides her vocals for any solo numbers while Gilda Maiken sings for her in group numbers. And I’m not against dubbing. I think there are plenty of actors who can also sing that should be given chances to play roles and that studios shouldn’t just go for “big names” but that’s a rant for another day. However, if they do want to go for “star power” over “vocal power,” then I’m all for them finding someone to dub the voice. But they should do a better job at making sure the voices match up. Or else you get this, where it’s really obvious.

(Don’t get me wrong – Stafford has a lovely voice and does a fine job with the song. It’s just really noticeable that it’s not McAndrews’ voice).

When Irene finishes, she realizes that there are two men staring at her shop. She decides to have some fun with them and Cornelius and Barnaby soon enter, pretending to be well-to-do gentlemen from Yonkers who are there to buy a hat. Irene plays along and even mentions Horace, which makes the two nervous. It gets worse when Horace shows up with Dolly, forcing Irene to hide Cornelius in a closet and Barnaby under a table.

(Horace, Dolly and Irene)

Horace and Dolly enter. He tries to propose to Irene and Dolly tries to stop him. Irene mentions meeting Cornelius and Barnaby, which surprises Horace. Dolly plays it up and says that they are really rich men who are beloved in New York City. Horace doesn’t quite believe her, saying he knows exactly how much each man has to his name since it’s in his safe (which is questionable but this is before employment law really became a thing) but still gets angry about it.

There’s a bit of a comedy of errors as Irene and Dolly work to hide Cornelius and Barnaby from him until Minnie comes to get something. She opens the wardrobe, grabs what she wants and walks away before realizing that there was a man in there. She starts screaming about it and Irene all but shoves her back into the workshop while Dolly tries to convince Horace there are no men there. She even runs a feather through the wardrobe, which makes Cornelius sneeze. Irene finally comes clean and Horace decides to leave, no longer interested in marrying Irene – especially when Dolly has an heiress for him to meet.

Once he’s gone, Cornelius and Barnaby stumble out and apologize. Irene is okay – she’s not really heartbroken over Horace. She’d rather spend time with Cornelius and Barnaby, which surprises them. Dolly convinces them that it’s a great idea and that as two men about town, they will be excellent guides. She even encourages them to go to the Harmonia Gardens and dance there too. But both men admit they don’t know how to dance, so Dolly teaches them. Once they learn to dance, they head out with Irene and Minnie on their New York adventure (“Dancing”).

Dolly then heads down to the parade route and is more determined to make Horace Vandergelder her husband. She runs into an old friend of hers, Gussie Granger (Judy Knaiz), and makes some plans with Horace to meet the heiress at Harmonia Gardens. Dolly vows to start living her life again (“Before the Parade Passes By”).

After a brief intermission, twilight falls on New York City. Our quartet – Cornelius, Irene, Barnaby, and Minnie – get ready to go to the Harmonia Gardens. The ladies want to take a carriage but Cornelius and Barnaby can’t afford one. So they convince their dates that it’s far more classy to walk and they sing about how they have “Elegance” as they head to the restaurant several blocks over. While they walk, Dolly prepares for the evening in a flat of her own as she sings “Love is Only Love,” which was not in the original stage musical and is actually a cut song from another Jerry Herman musical Mame (which starred Angela Lansbury), and prepares to win Horace.

(They've got elegance)

Horace arrives at the Harmonia Gardens and meets the heiress Dolly has been talking up all day - Ernestina Semple, who is really Gussie playing a role. She and Horace are seated but she is clearly not interested in him, a demanding date who eats and then leaves him.

Our quartet arrives, slightly out of breath, and they are seated. A message is passed on to head waiter Rudolph Reisenweber (David Hurst) that Dolly is coming and he gets his waiters in order. They are the fastest waiters in New York and we get an extend scene of them doing stunts around the dining hall as they serve guests. Cornelius and Barnaby keep worrying about the bill as they continue to pretend to be rich men. And Ermengarde and Ambrose eagerly await the dance contest.

And then Dolly arrives. Rudolph and the other waiters welcome her back with a big production, the titular song – “Hello, Dolly.” Even Louis Armstrong is there to welcome her back, his gravelly voice a nice contrast with Streisand’s.

(Two legends)

She then joins Horace, who is frazzled and tries to give Dolly a piece of his mind about Ernestina but she’s not interested in listening to him, wanting to enjoy her meal and the dance contest. Meanwhile, Cornelius and Barnaby continue to worry about paying their bill. Irene and Minnie reveal that they know they weren’t rich and that Horace, not Dolly, was right about their finances. So they brought money to pay for the meal…except Irene brought the wrong purse, so they are still out of luck. They decide to enter the dance contest and use the prize money to pay for their meals.

("Ernestina" could not care less)

The dance contest begins with Cornelius and Irene, Barnaby and Minnie and Ermengarde and Ambrose participating. Dolly continues to try to keep Horace’s attention but he soon realizes that his employees are dancing with Irene and Minnie. He tries to catch them but in the process finds his niece, who has lost her hat and is crawling to get it on the dance floor. Horace rails at all of them, firing Cornelius and Barnaby (who insist they quit), and causes such a scene that a riot breaks out, allowing them to flee Harmonia Gardens.

(Which is a change from the stage show, where everyone in Harmonia Gardens is arrested and Dolly reveals she is also a lawyer who gets everyone but Horace off).

In the park, Cornelius says that today should’ve been the worst day of his life because he lost his job and his place to live. But it’s not because he’s also found love. A police officer asks him how he knows and he starts to sing one of my favorites, “It Only Takes a Moment.” Eventually, Irene joins in and reveals she feels the same way and Cornelius gets his kiss at last.

Meanwhile, Horace has settled everything at Harmonia Gardens and leaves with Dolly. He tells her that he wants nothing to do with her ever again. Dolly agrees and tells him that she’s going to go live an amazing life without him, saying goodbye in song (“So Long, Dearie”).

The next day, everyone returns to Yonkers. Cornelius and Barnaby show up with Irene and Minnie to get the money Horace owes them. They explain that they are going to open their own feed and hay store…across the street from his. And Ermengarde shows up with Ambrose, determined to marry him and demanding her inheritance from her parents. Horace tells them to go to his safe to get them.

(Politest and snazziest shake down ever)

Dolly then shows up and they have some more back and forth before he admits that he needs her. He proposes marriage but she’s still not sure. When he repeats a saying her late husband was fond of, she knows it’s the sign she’s looking for. She agrees to the marriage and Horace then hires Cornelius back as his partner and hires Barnaby back as head clerk. Everyone gets a happy ending and married in the “Finale.”

So. What’s my verdict?

Meh.

I mean, I will acknowledge that I may have been influenced by the fact that this movie doesn’t have the best reputation. But with a low bar, it didn’t do much to raise it.

I do have to agree that Streisand is miscast here. Which isn’t a slam against her talent – she has a gorgeous voice and great comedic timing. Honestly, I think that if she wanted, she could play Dolly now and be brilliant at it. I think her age was just working against her in this movie – Dolly is supposed to be so charming and well respected that no one really minds that she’s just a professional busybody. And a lot of that came with her age and experiences – she had time to build up the goodwill and friendships we see in the story. Also, given Streisand’s age, it made it rather unbelievable that she was a widow for a while and hadn’t remarried. So I do believe Streisand would’ve made a better Irene but she’s not someone you put in a supporting role, so we have what we have.

And as I have mentioned, it was well-known that she and Mathau did not get along. One of the cornerstones of this story is wanting Dolly and Horace to get together in the end. With their versions, Streisand’s “So Long, Dearie” was triumphant and almost a fitting end to their story, not her and Horace getting married after all. So I think that killed the movie a bit as well.

I also think it affected Mathau’s performance. Rather than showing us that there’s a soft interior under a gruff exterior, his Horace was just gruff under another layer of gruff. He wasn’t a leading man one would want to cheer on or see succeed. It felt good when his clerks quit on him, his niece wanted nothing to do with him and Dolly was even leaving him in the dirt. And mostly because it didn’t feel like a learning lesson for Horace like it does in the show. His turnaround at the end felt a bit forced rather than the actions of a man who learned not to be so gruff all the time.

Crawford did a fine job as Cornelius though I couldn’t understand what he was doing with his hands most of the time. Which probably was because it looked like he didn’t know what to do with his hands. But otherwise, he was charming in a bumbling way and his voice fit the role well enough. He and Martins played well off each other and were believable as a romantic couple. She was fun and delightful as Irene Molloy, a true highlight of the film.

Peaker is a delight as Minnie (though I had the honor of seeing Bernie Feldstein in the role on Broadway and is probably my favorite Minnie). Lockin, Ames and Tune were unfortunately underused – which is a shame in Tune’s case. While I liked Crawford, I almost wonder what Tune would’ve done as Cornelius instead of Ambrose.

And even if you don’t want to see the whole movie, at least watch Louis Armstrong perform the title song. It’s a real treat.

Hello, Dolly is definitely indicative of a movie musical style we won’t see again – one that looks like it’s filmed on a set rather than at least trying to make it look like the real world. But it works for something like Hello, Dolly and not some of our more modern musicals. Hello, Dolly doesn’t need a gritty version of New York. It really does need the more sterile version of it, the version where a woman can just start leading a parade or four well-dressed adults can strut down the street singing about how they have “Elegance.”

As for the choreography, nothing outside of the Harmonia Gardens routines really impressed me. The movie was directed and choreographed by the legendary Gene Kelly but It just wasn’t anything spectacular, though I think that’s because they weren’t looking for dancers for this movie. So I think the show itself just restricted Mr. Kelly and he didn’t really try to do anything more. Considering this ended up being the last movie he made, he may just not have had it in him and wanted a musical that wasn’t dance-heavy.

So what’s the verdict?

Honestly, it’s not terrible. It’s not great either. It’s just…meh. And if you want a nice musical to watch, this will certainly do. It’s likely this will be the only movie version of the musical because as I said, it probably wouldn’t really fit in with our more modern takes, even on musicals.

Though I would love for one of the networks to do a live musical with Kristin Chenoweth as Dolly. I believe she would be amazing in the role.

Otherwise, just watch the “Hello, Dolly” scene on YouTube and enjoy Louis Armstrong’s performance.