OUAT: I’m Not That Girl

Let’s recap, shall we?

Regina suddenly has a half sister she never knew about named Zelena who grew up in Oz, is a witch, can turn green and has a grudge against Regina for kinda weak reasons. She’s collected Charming’s courage and Rumple’s brain and is waiting to get Regina’s heart and Snow’s unborn baby. No one knows why.

Meanwhile, Zelena has cursed Hook’s lips so that when he kisses Emma, all her powers get zapped. So he’s trying to keep his distance. She also has Rumple locked in a cage in a storm cellar, Belle’s running Gold’s, and Regina’s heart is being guarded by Robin Hood.

Oh, and Henry still has no clue what’s going on.


We open in Regina’s mansion as she gets ready for another day of figuring out what her sister is going to do. Someone rings her doorbell but when she opens the door, all she sees is a basket of green apples. 

(Beware of apples!) 

She takes them inside to find Zelena waiting for her. She makes some small talk regarding red apples vs. green apples before Regina’s like “Get to your point.” Zelena came to offer some sisterly advice about Regina appreciating everything she has and how Regina has no clue why Cora gave Zelena up. She then reveals it is also a ruse so that Rumple can get Regina’s heart.

Focus on Robin holding his bow on Rumple. Rumple pleads with Robin to give him the heart before he’s forced to do something he might regret. Cue Roland! The adorable tot comes into frame carrying firewood and is trapped by Rumple’s magic as Robin implores his son to run away. Roland cries for his father as Rumple really, really doesn’t want to hurt the lad. But he does have the arrow Robin fired pointed at the boy. 

(Not the kid! He's too cute to die!)

So Robin hands over the heart. Rumple disappears, the arrow falls to the ground and Robin comforts his son as Regina arrives.

He apologizes for letting her heart fall into Zelena’s hands but Regina’s okay. She asks if anyone got hurt and though Robin looks at Roland, he says everyone is fine. Regina is totally understanding. But she’s confused. She’s still alive so Zelena hasn’t crushed her heart. Then why does the witch want it? To Gold’s!

Belle comes running out to see who is ransacking her love’s store. And she’s not thrilled to see it’s Regina. She asks the former evil queen what the hell she’s doing. Regina says she’s looking for answers about what Zelena’s doing and asks for Belle’s help. Belle brings up every bad thing Regina’s ever done to her and is like “And you think I’m going to help you?” So Regina pretty much is like “Will you do it for a Scooby snack Rumple?”

Rumple is Belle’s weakness so the woman agrees. Regina than starts looking for a candle. Belle holds out a candelabra (Lumiere?) but Regina didn’t mean that. She meant the black candle Snow used to kill Cora. Well, next time, be more specific. She finds it and dashes off, leaving Belle to do some research. Regina is going to get the story straight from Cora.

Don’t get your hopes up. Barbara Hershey’s name was not in the credits.

But Rose McGowan is here! She’s Young Cora again, this time as a Bar Wench. And a very good and popular bar wench. One of her patrons tells her to sit down. And he’s played by David de Latour. If you’ve been trying to figure out where you’ve seen him before, you might remember him from the Jennie Garth-Amanda Bynes vehicle “What I Like About You.” Here, we shall call him Jonathan. They flirt as he tells Cora that she is better than a bar maid. She responds that’s because she tries to act better than her station so she can become better than her station. Jonathan seems impressed. Then he drops a hint or two that he’s a prince. Cora is definitely interested now. They get engaged and Cora agrees to go up to his room.

Emma and Hook arrive at Regina’s mansion and she shows them to her parlor. David and Mary Margaret are already there. He pleads with his daughter to reason with her mother about naming the baby Leopold. “But it was my father’s name!” Mary Margaret protests. But David’s thinking of the child and all the teasing he’ll endure on the playground. Mary Margaret protests that no one made fun of her father and David reminds her that her father was king. She then switches to her mother’s name—Eva. Emma and Hook look like they want to be far, far away right now.

(Hook is 100% done with this)

Regina comes in with a tea tray. She sets a cup before each person and David reaches for his. But Regina stops him, revealing it is a deadly poison used to summon the spirits. “I prefer Earl Grey,” David replies. Regina ignores him and explains that they are having a séance to talk to Cora. She has the poisonous tea, the murder weapon and the murderer. Mary Margaret is definitely uncomfortable. Anyway, Regina tries to call on her mother but Cora is not in a talkative mood. Oh well.

Emma and Hook go to do magic things while David goes to do…something. Mary Margaret decides to stay with Regina. After the other three leaves, neither Mary Margaret nor Regina notices that her front door disappears. Cue the creepy music…

…And enter Zelena! She’s in the farmhouse, taunting Rumple as usual. She has Regina’s heart, Charming’s courage and Rumple’s brain. She just needs the baby. Huh, don’t remember that being a part of The Wizard of Oz. Or was that cut due to time? Anyway, her plan is going to work!

You may commence laughing now.

Anyway, in the Enchanted Forest, Cora has hitched a ride on a wagon. She is waiting to meet up with Prince Jonathan, who is a couple months late to their agreed upon meeting place and time. She finds him standing in a gazebo bearing the royal crest…which is the same as Robin’s tattoo. Huh. Jonathan, though, is not happy to see her. He had no intentions of marrying her. No way! What a shocker! (Please note the sarcasm). Cora also deduces he’s not a prince but a gardener. She reveals she’s pregnant and he pretty much runs away. 

(Jonathan's calculating the cost of raising a child)

Cora tries to stop him, to announce he is a thief but Jonathan is stronger. He gets away. But Cora is rescued by Prince Leopold, Snow’s (future) father!

Speaking of Snow, she apologizes to Regina for killing Cora. She says she wished she never had. Regina agrees. But then she also admits that Cora killed Eva, Snow’s mother, so maybe they were even. And then the strange noises begin. The two go to investigate, finding a portal in an upstairs room. Young Cora appears at the spinning wheel and Regina instinctively moves to protect Mary Margaret and her baby bump. 

(Protective!Regina)

Cora tries to attack Mary Margaret but Regina poofs them to her study. She hopes to hold her mother off.

Meanwhile, Emma practices her magic in Granny’s Diner. She poofs a cup of coffee across the diner and then poofs Hook’s hook across the diner. He’s not amused, though he passes it off as Emma messing with his hook rather than the fact that Cora’s cursed him. Belle comes rushing in, saying she’s figure out what Zelena’s going to do. So they collect David and go to Regina’s.

In the Enchanted Forest, Cora and Leopold get along quite well. She tells him stories about her life and he confides in her his fears about becoming king. For example, he can’t even light a fire! Cora shows him how and reassures him he will be a fine ruler. He tells her he is betrothed to Princess Eva, who is much younger and who he has never met. He has some doubts about the marriage and Cora sees her chance.

Zelena and Rumplestilskin have dinner. She says it’s the least she could do before using his brain. Ew. Anyway, after dinner, Rumple tells Zelena he was wrong and that he should’ve picked her. And then they start making out! 

(Let's remember how uncomfortable this made us)

No doubt every Rumbelle shipper stopped breathing at this point. Relax, he’s just doing it to try and get the dagger. Zelena realizes this and sends him back to his cage. She’s even more pissed now.

Cora is engaged to Leopold when Jonathan comes back to taunt her. He says she got her prince anyway and she’s like “Buzz off, pal.” But Jonathan wonders what Prince Leopold would say if he knew his bride-to-be was already pregnant. Clearly, Cora was going to pull the old “It’s quite big for a preemie but the baby is two months early, I swear!” trick. Quite common in the old days. Anyway, Cora says Leopold isn’t going to find out. So Jonathan blackmails her. And guess who hears all of this?

(dun dun DUN!)

Princess Eva! Visiting for the betrothal that’s not going to happen, I guess.

Mary Margaret and Regina’s hideout in the study is breached pretty easily. Ghost!Cora tries to attack Mary Margaret again but Regina uses her magic to hold her off. She demands that Cora tell her what the deal with Zelena is, why Cora had to give the girl up. Instead, Cora knocks her daughter aside and possesses Mary Margaret.

It’s late at night in Leopold’s castle as Cora goes to meet with Jonathan. But she’s intercepted by Leopold, who asks if it is true she was with child. She denies it. He mentions Jonathan but she says he was someone giving her trouble and she chased him off. But Eva appears from behind a column, telling him to search her pockets. Leopold does it and finds some of the royal jewels. Cora is busted and her marriage to Leopold is off. As she runs off, Eva promises Leopold that he'll marry the right woman one day and she'll give him a beautiful child. 

Oh, look. Another anvil. 

Regina finally gets Cora out of Mary Margaret and banishes her as our other intrepid heroes arrive back at the Mayoral Mansion. David rushes to his wife’s side as Belle reveals that Zelena is trying to cast a spell to go back in time. Regina declares that is impossible but impossible things are happening everyday. So now the question is—where is she going? Mary Margaret recovers to answer that question: To kill Eva. Regina says then Snow White will never be born, meaning Emma and Henry will never be born. Heck, Regina may never be born but she doesn’t go there.

(It hits Emma)

While that sinks in for our intrepid heroes, let’s go see Cora give birth to Zelena! A midwife tells her to push and push and…a future villainess is born! Aww, she looks so cute. But Cora packs her in a basket and leaves her in the woods. Random place, Cora. There was no orphanage or house full of spinster ladies you could leave the child? Anyway, Cora tells the baby that life is cruel and she needs to give her daughter up “to give me my best chance.” Parallel this with Snow, who gave up Emma to give her (Emma) her best chance. Or Emma, who gave up Henry to give him his best chance. Or Regina, who also gave up Henry to give him his best chance. Anyway, Zelena whips up the green tornado which takes her to Oz.

After getting the all clear from Dr. Whale, Mary Margaret stays behind to talk to Regina. Regina apologizes that Mary Margaret had to learn that her mother (Eva) ruined Cora’s life. She knew how much Mary Margaret idolized her mother. But Mary Margaret says she realizes that no one is really perfect and they couldn’t know the whole story. Regina agrees, saying if she did know, she probably wouldn’t have tried so hard to kill her. Mary Margaret admits she was a brat and they probably would’ve fought about something else. She then gives Regina a pep talk to not give up hope and talk about Regina feeling things with her whole soul.

This pep talk—combined with Zelena’s earlier taunts about not appreciating everything Regina had—compels Regina to seek out Robin. He’s sulking over a fire, still guilty about giving up her heart to Rumple. He apologizes again and promises to do everything in his power to get her heart back. Regina says nothing. She grabs his jacket collar, pulls him close and kisses him. They break apart but only seconds pass before Robin goes in for another kiss.

(Atta girl, Regina!)

And that’s how we end this episode. With those two kissing and me in a squealing pile of fangirl goo on the floor. But it did creep me out that Cora was engaged to the man she eventually arranged for her daughter to marry. Ugh.

Well, at least we know what the Wicked Witch is up to. Now, it’s time to see how our intrepid heroes stop her.