Oh, There’s No Place Like Home…

Guess what y’all? We’re going to Sam’s childhood home! We’ll get to meet her family and the places she knows.

Friday afternoon: We’re in Portsmith, New Castle Island, New Hampshire. This is Sam’s hometown. She says she loves coming back though as a teen, she couldn’t wait to leave. And she has teen pictures to share!

Eating By the Bay

This weekend Sam Brown is in San Francisco for some food and drinks. Grab something to eat, I have a feeling this is one episode you don’t want to watch on an empty stomach.

Friday afternoon: Samantha starts in Chinatown. Sam meets up with Shirley, a local Renaissance woman. Shirley shows her a shop that introduced tofu to San Francisco. They get a piece of tofu and it sounds like Shirley’s arguing with the grocer. But Sam likes the end result. Next, Shirley heads to a restaurant for dim sun. Shirley says you have to shout to get what you want. She tries to get some food at their table and the tenth time is the charm. They keep trying to get more carts but it’s a bit difficult. Since Sam loved the pot stickers, Shirley gets her into the kitchen to learn how to make it. After some flirting between Sam and the chef, the two go to a fortune cookie factory. “You are contemplative and analytical by nature” is her fortune. Sam disagrees.

Deep in the Heart of Texas!

Sam goes to spend a weekend full of music in Austin, Texas!

Friday night: Southern Converse Avenue is full of tattoos, neon and hot rods. It looks like you stepped back in time to the 1950s. Sam hits the Continental and gets to go upstairs to meet the artists. She meets a local blues legend, Gary. Sam tries to jam with him but can’t keep up. Sam wonders how he can be able to really play the blues at such a young age but he says he can.

Saturday morning: Sam goes to Jo’s for some coffee and music. Sam meets Kinky, another local music legend. He says he’s been performing in Austin since Christ was a cowboy. They get some breakfast and enjoy the house band. Sam then hits Sixth Street and walks into a…tattoo parlor? Oh, she’s just getting a henna tattoo. Sam notices hula hoops, which the owner keeps it out so people waiting can keep entertained. She also teaches hula hooping. After a quick lesson, Sam gets a henna tattoo of the lotus. She tells Sam her tattoo means whatever she wants it to mean. So what does our girl decide on? “Buy me a beer.” That’s our Sam!

Coming up: Sam takes a dip.

Saturday afternoon: Sam decides to spend some time outdoors and goes to Lady Bird Lake. Sam joins John at the Barton Springs, an Austin institution according to John. Sam gets in and it is cold. Rather than a morning jog, some people take a morning dip in the springs. John does a cannonball into the springs, causing Sam to laugh.

After getting out of the springs, Sam goes to Lockhart to eat at Smitty’s Market. It is Texas barbecue, complete with giant fire. She meets the pit master, who is the grandson of the founder. San is surprised the Market still accepts checks. Sam eats with two locals, though one is a vegetarian. He says he comes for the cole slaw. Sam gets a food coma and learns the vegetarian is the designated driver.

Coming up: Bats.

Saturday night: Sam stands by the Bat Signal, leading to the Bat Bridge. There’s an audience. Bats moved in to the bridge once Austin redesigned it. And as the Ride of the Valkyries plays, 5.5 million bats fly out of the bridge. It’s a swarm and the creatures of the night inspire Sam to hit the town rather than hit the hay. She goes to Broken Spoke to experience some honky-tonk. Many have stopped by the place and the owner shows her pictures of Willie Nelson over the years. He even serenades Sam about his place. Sam gets to be apart of a tradition—she pushes the wheel to get the party started. She gets a private lesson on the two-step and dances the night away.

Coming up: Cars and Chickens?

Sunday morning: Sam goes down to an annual Austin festival celebrating cars. Like his club, the festival founded by the Continental owner are inspired by the 1950s. He introduces her to Sweet Nadine and gives her a spin in the Black Dahlia.

Sunday afternoon: Sam spends her last hours in Austin in Little Longhorn. You can drink, dance, listen to music, play dominoes and ever tailgate in the parking lot. Sam joins some of the Austinites outside. But the real draw on Sundays is Bingo. And not just any type of bingo. You put money into a pot, pick a number and if a chicken poops on your number—you win!

Eww.

Sam doesn’t win and she grabs her bags to leave. But first, she gets waylaid by some friends of the tattoo artist who gave her her henna tattoo. Turns out they wrote a song for her because she saved them when they were stuck in a blizzard. They play their song for her and Sam says “adios” to Austin.

Sam’s weekend in Austin looked like great fun. If I go, I’m not going in the summer—too hot! But it seems a car ride across the US is in order.

Culture, Cubans and Cuisine

For Sam’s next great weekend, we travel north of the border to our friendly neighbors!

Bienvenue a Montreal!

Friday afternoon: Sam goes to Paul Patates for Quebecois food. She gets frites avec frommage. And that’s all topped with gravy and washed down with Spruce Beer. Is that like root beer? The patrons tease Sam for how slow she is eating but she is the one who gets a backstage tour to see how the store makes Spruce Beer. Apparently, the recipe goes back to Benjamin Franklin (legend has it) and Sam tries to find the secret. They don’t give it to her, but they do let her help bottle the drink.

To work off all those calories, Sam goes ice skating. She wears socks adorned with the maple leafs. She gets some help with her skates before hitting the rink for some disco ice skating. There are people skating in short sleeves. Seriously? Sam manages to do a twirl and not fall down!

Friday night: Apparently, Montreal is the bachelorette party capital of Canada. I guess they need something if they can’t fly to Vegas, right? Anyway, Sam decides to avoid all the about-to-be-weds and go to the Casa d’Havana, a store full of Cuban cigars. And she’s going to smoke one. Bad, Sam! Well, that’s one store I’ll never go to. I don’t smoke and you can’t bring those back over the border. The owner lights cigars with a blow torch. He advises her not to inhale.

Coming up: CRICKET!

Saturday morning: Sam finds a game of Cricket, a cousin of baseball. It is also highly mesmerizing. It almost made my professor and several of us miss the Tower of London. Sam gets an explanation of the game and I didn’t understand a thing. Neither did Sam, though, so I don’t mind. Sam at bat. Swing and a miss. She tries again. Swing and a miss. Swing and a miss. She hits the next ball, runs, but she’s out. But they applaud her anyway.

Saturday afternoon: From the sports field, Sam hits Montreal’s fashion district. She meets Caroline and Jeffrey, who tell her about Montreal fashion sense. She tries on the “bag dress.” It looks pretty good. I like the pant ensemble Sam tries on next. She makes them repeat their compliment in French before turning the Montreal streets into her person runway.

Next: FOOD!

Saturday night: Sam goes to Joe Beef, named after a Montreal tavern man. He would send people out to gather the drunks and give them a place to sleep it off. Sam says that Joe used to let people work for meals. They let her in the back to shuck oysters. She gets some tips from one of the workers at Joe Beef’s before trying it herself. He tells her she going too small and earning a small steak. Sam blames the oyster; he doesn’t believe her. After she fails, they still let her eat. Sam says she didn’t have to work hard for her meal. The owner says it doesn’t hurt to show up with a camera crew.

Sam then is drawn to the bars. Surprise, surprise. She goes to Hurley’s for some Irish music. As she enjoys a pint, Sam makes friends with some locals. Sam gets pulled on stage, courtesy of her producer. She tries her hand at the drum and is pretty good at it. A round of applause greets her.

Coming up: Dance lessons!

Sunday afternoon: Sam decides to get Burlesque lessons. She learns how to walk properly before getting a boa. Sam finishes off her lesson with a giant feather fan.

Sunday night: Sam goes to the Chinese Botanical Garden to enjoy the annual Magic of Lanterns festival. It is beautiful, celebrating Chinese acrobats.

Montreal looks beautiful. When I went to the Canadian province of Quebec, I went to Quebec City. It is a beautiful city with great history and a mixture of France and Canada, old and new. But Montreal looks like a great place to visit as well.

Quote of the Episode:

“We have two seasons: winter and July.” –Montreal native about the weather. Don’t let them fool you. I went to Quebec twice in May. The weather was beautiful—sweater weather.

 

Orlando: More than Theme Parks!

I have been to Orlando many, many times. Of course, it’s only been to Disney. And then to Church (Vacation is no excuse to miss Mass!). But there’s more to Orlando than Sea World, Universal, Harry Potter and, of course, Disney World. And this episode, Sam is going to discover it!

Friday evening: Sam starts at her hotel, the Grand Bohemian, before going to Winter Park. It takes it’s name because wealthy northerners built their winter homes down there. Sam says it has many bars on the path and heads straight for one—the Wine Room. That’s our Sam! It’s a wine shop and a bar, with a wine tasting selection. Sam gets a prepaid card to try out her wines, which is dispensed in a high tech dispenser that looks more like it should be in Walt Disney World. Sam makes nice with some people in the store, getting free wine from them. They offer her food and she says she’s good…unless she’s passed out on the floor. Sam discovers more friendly people and ribs the men drinking beer. Sam continues to drinking until her card runs out.

Saturday morning: Downtown Orlando is an artist’s haven and Sam goes down to visit Charlie, a glass-blower. He offers lessons in the art and Sam takes one. Charlie has clearly watched the show before because he offers to teach her to make a pint glass. Sam says one common mistake people make is to touch the glass once it comes out of the oven—it’s glowing red, it’s that hot! Sam worries about touching the glass with a wet newspaper, which Charlie calls an old Italian tradition. Charlie says that the city has changed in the past ten years from just bars to “bars and other stuff.” As the continue to make the pint glass and Charlie offers to buy after they are done. I know Sam’s not going to pass that up! The finished product goes in a kiln and Sam takes up Charlie on his offer—once the glass has cooled down.

Coming up: Sam finds home.

Saturday afternoon: Sam heads out to the Winter Park Saturday Farmer’s Market. She hits the free samples, knowing to never turn down free food. She also talks to some of the locals. She also knows the secret to getting more—praise the vendors! She samples all over the place! As she hits landscaping, she goes back for another lap.

After that, Sam hits a shoe boutique, which Sam calls her “home.” Sam goes on a shoe shopping spree. Sam says she used to just have three pairs. I’m not a shoe-aholic, but I even have more than that! And my dad is still boggled. The owner says the residents love the theme parks but they also love having a small, quiet town. Sam makes her selections and leaves the store.

Coming up: Sam finds the heart and soul of Orlando.

Saturday evening: Sam heads back to the bars, with Charlie. He brings her to NV. By day, it’s a photography studio run by Stephanie. By night, it’s a popular bar. Sam says she had no idea there were people who lived in Orlando. The locals say they get that a lot. Sam gets to drink out of the glass she made with Charlie that morning.

Sunday morning: Sam hits Johnson’s for breakfast. It’s a soul food diner and a Orlando institution, according to Sam. The regulars and the staff welcome Sam to the diner. She meets Clarence Taylor, the third generation to own the diner. He says everyone comes there and you can find both Bentleys and shopping carts in their parking lot. Clarence says he can’t change the menu and if dishes don’t taste like how his mother made it, customers will tell him. Sam enjoys her meal and thanks Clarence.

Coming up: Sam gets a thrill.

Wow. It looks like Era hasn’t filmed a new commercial since the late 80s, early 90s the latest.

Sunday afternoon: Sam is all digested and heads to get a thrill, but not in the theme parks. She suits up, puts on a helmet and heads to a wind tunnel for indoor skydiving. Now that’s my idea of skydiving—no planes and jumping from heights involved. And there’s a mesh net, not hard ground, below!

And thus ends Sam’s trip to the “hidden” Orlando. Will I stray outside the walls of Disney World when I go in January? Considering I’ve never been to Universal, probably not. It’ll once again be Disney and Church. But maybe one day.

Exchange of the Episode:

“You know you’re at a wine bar.”

“But there’s still beer.” –Sam and a guy who was probably dragged to the Wine Room by his girlfriend/wife.

Relaxing in the Land of Enchantment

It’s time for rest and relaxation with Samantha Brown!

Just like the dude ranch episode, this is a repeat of an earlier episode. At the rate I’m going, I may be able to recap all of Sam’s Great Weekends!

This time, we’re in Santa Fe, NM.

Friday afternoon: Sam decides to go for a hot air balloon ride. I give her credit. My fear of heights would probably prevent me from getting off the ground. But that is one great way to see the city and the landscape. Her tour guide shows her five inactive volcanoes on one side and the Rio Grande on the other. It reminds me of the time we flew to Disney (I know, I know, which time, right?) and the pilot came over the loudspeaker. He said if we looked out to our right, we could see the Washington Monument. If we looked out to our left, we could see Hurricane Floyd! Of course, we were several miles away from the hurricane so in no danger, but it’s a bit unnerving and awe-inspiring to look out an airplane window and see the arms of a hurricane. It’s an image I’ll always remember.

My trip down memory lane is complete and so is Sam’s balloon ride! She touches down somewhere near Albuquerque.

Friday evening: Sam hitches a ride back to Santa Fe to take in the art scene. She walks down Canyon Road, just lined with art galleries and parties. Sam arrives to one where they already finished the cheese. She even meets one of the artists as she admires his glasswork. Sam decides to try her hand at art—namely pottery. Sam makes her own bowl.

Saturday morning: Sam trades in her jogging shoes for a bike helmet. She goes biking along Santa Fe trails, enjoying the smell of sage as she climbs uphill. She heads away from the city and into the mountains, enjoying the view of the Rockies’ southern most point.

Coming up: Dance lessons and New Age things?

Saturday afternoon: Sam talks about the Spanish influence on the city and goes to get a Flamenco lesson. Sam jokes that the people in the apartment below her are going to love her new skills as she learns the different feet sounds in the dance. She then moves on to the fan part of the dance. Once they add the music, Sam gets the feel of the dance and does well. Sam decides to explore some of Santa Fe’s alternative healers. Also known as New Age stuff. She goes to Louisa, a medicine man. Er, woman. Louisa invites many spirits and ancestors into the room, which seems to take a while. She then takes a drum to play…What tribe is Louisa associated with? She then gives a reading. She tells Sam to continue to do her shows. I agree!

Sam then goes to visit Millie, who uses color therapy. Okay. She plays different tones for Sam, who hopes to cure her altitude headache. It does lull Sam into a sleeplike state, you know the one where you’re between sleep and being awake?

Next: Sam hits the bar and the hot tub.

Sam is staying in the Inn of the Five Graces. It looks beautiful, with mosaics and beautiful patterned sheets. Sam lies on her bed, enjoying the view of both her room and the outside.

Saturday evening: Sam goes to the Pink Adobe, the restaurant by her hotel. She particularly goes to the Dragon Room, the establishment’s bar. The barkeep makes her a martini and lets her assist. She raises a glass with everyone sitting at the bar and enjoys her drink. Sam then takes a shot of tequila. Did that last week. Three of them. And it turns out the Pink Adobe is haunted and the barkeep had an experience. He was alone in the restaurant and heard a woman say “Look at me” but there was no one there. Sam asks if he was scared before saying that the next time he tells the story, he should start with “It was a dark and stormy night…”

How cliché, but we’ll forgive her.

Coming up: SPA!

Sunday morning: Goes to a Ten Thousand Spa, Sam gets into the hot tub. Today, everyone is in bathing suits because of the cameras but usually the women are au naturel. Sam decides to take the plunge—into the icy water tub. After that shock to her system, Sam goes to get some treatment with basalt stones. Sam finishes her weekend in Santa Fe in her own private bath.

Now that’s what I call pampering yourself! Another great weekend for anyone who wants to press the reset button.

Start Your Horse and Come Along…

Anyone else remember the old show “Hey Dude”? Aired on Nickelodeon around 1990? Starred David Lascher and Christine Taylor (AKA Mrs. Ben Stiller)? Took place on a dude ranch…

From the East Coast, Sam is westward bound as she goes to Wyoming.

Oh hey, this is from when the show was still known as “Passport to Great Weekends” so we’re doing an early show.

Sam heads to Shell, Wyoming for a dude ranch there. The town’s population? Fifty. Well, that must’ve been very easy to count for the 2010 Census. Don’t have to bother with the mail-in questionnaire or enumerators. Just have one person stand there, gather everyone to one spot and just count heads on April 1st! Anyway, Sam says that she’ll be spending this weekend living out that old cowgirl fantasy you know you all had…particularly during that “I want a pony” phase every girl goes through. (You know, somewhere after the “I want to be a ballerina phase” and before you discovered boy bands/teen idols. May coincide with the “I want to be a princess phase” because every princess has her own horse. Duh). She’ll even be in a rodeo!

Friday morning: Sam watches Sean wrangle some horses. He shows her how it’s done, with Sam bonding with a horse. Sean calls what the horse does next a “tickle,” Sam determines it was a sneeze. Sam takes the horse out anyway for a cattle drive. Stuart tells Sam that they are moving the cattle to another location for fresh grass and water. They herd the cattle along some beautiful landscapes that spring to mind when someone says “The (American) West.” Sam learns herding cattle is hard as cows don’t always do what the cowboys want and it’s a hard ride. She’s placed in charge of the little cows as she orders one back to it’s mother like it’s a child who has decided to wander away in the mall. We get some shots of…Are those the Painted Hills?

(No, they aren’t. The National Park Service website confirms that the Painted Hills are actually in Oregon. I just learned something!)

Sam and the cowboys leave the cattle to enjoy the watering hole but the cowboys head home as there’s a storm a-brewing.

Friday night: Sam decides to treat herself for a job well done and goes to Cody to eat at Cassie’s Supper Club, which has a sign proclaiming that gambling and loose women are allowed into the establishment. Cute. Sam finds out that Cassie’s was opened in 1922…But as a brothel. No wonder they let in loose women! But now it’s gone back on the right side of the laws and has a dance floor. Sam takes a few spins on the dance floor. She asks if they do the Macarena and the residents stare at her. Sam thinks it’s because no one knows how to do it. I think it’s in horror that she would even suggest doing that dance! It died as 1996 came to a close for a reason!

Coming up: Sam, smoke and a rodeo!

Saturday morning: Sam shovels the manure and learns the proper procedure, which I’m sure she’ll use next time she has to shovel out of a snowstorm. Once the stables are clean, she goes to visit Jared to learn how to shoe a horse. Sam straddles a horse’s leg as Jared shows her how to pull off a shoe. In the end, he gives her a little hand. He shows her how to clean out the dirty and tells Sam the horse doesn’t feel a thing. The horse seems to agree. Jared throws the shoe in an oven and goes back to get another shoe. When the oven dings, Jared hammers it a bit and then BURNS it on to the horse’s hoof. Sam comments that she hasn’t been in a room filled with so much smoke since college. Ahh, dorm life. I love the looks I get when people realize I recognize the smell of pot. But the fact I dormed explains EVERYTHING.

Saturday afternoon: Sam goes river rafting! Even if the river is a balmy 46 degrees. She enjoys the scenery before being pulled into a white rafter. Sam moans the lack of beer before getting entirely soaked.

Coming up: Preparing for that rodeo.

Saturday afternoon: They put Sam on kitchen detail. The chef makes her draw but she drops her ice cream scooper. She helps Chris cut up steaks for that night’s barbecue. She also mashes some potato while the other chefs watch her. This segues into…

Saturday evening: Everyone at the ranch gathers round to enjoy Sam’s dinner. She meets some people from New Jersey, just across the river from Sam in New York. They enjoy the scenery as the sun sets.

Sunday morning: Sam gets rodeo lesson from Jim and Buster. They teach her the lasso on a stationary plastic steer. She almost manages to lasso a steer but is still just shy of her mark.

Coming up: The Rodeo!

Sunday afternoon: Sam heads back to Cody, Rodeo Capital of the World. It’s rodeo is 70 years old! There is bull riding, lassoing and barrel racing—a woman’s sport. So that will be Sam’s competition. She is coached by seven-year old Cindy, who lets Sam ride her horse. Cindy doesn’t seem seven. Are you sure Cindy isn’t really ten? They set up the barrels and out of the gate, one contest completes it in seventeen seconds. Sam heads out of the gate on Starlight. She trots around a barrel, two barrels and around the third barrel. She gallops back home in 30.03 seconds. Sam lets Starlight bring her to the bar.

Apparently an oldie, but a goodie. While I’m not much of an outdoors-girl, so a weekend at a dude ranch may not be my ideal weekend. But even this city slicker needs to escape into the wilderness every so often and the views in Wyoming looked beautiful. The West still intrigues, excites and challenges America. Forget space, we’re still not done with that frontier!

Exchange of the Episode:

“That’s the best mash potatoes ever.”

“Why?”

“Because we’re not doing any of the work.” –The chefs and Sam.

Islands of Cape Cod

There once was a Sam who visited Nantucket…and she loved it! Then she went to Martha’s Vineyard…and didn’t know who to give the reward!

Phew.

Martha’s Vineyard and Nantucket are New England island vacation spots and therefore rivals. Sam approaches Martha’s Vineyard via boat, saying that is the larger of the two islands. She is dropped off by an old Methodist ground, filled with dollhouses. It’s a bit creepy. A family welcomes her on to their porch. They let her in and it looks like a dollhouse on the inside. These houses were built from the tents the Methodists used to stay in for their summer revival meetings. Sam asks the owner about Nantucket, and he recalls how during the 60s, the people in Nantucket used to meet the people coming off the boats. If they looked like hippies and didn’t have a place to stay, they were sent back on the boat.

Sam goes to a local ice cream store which sells…lobster ice cream. Eww. And there are real chunks of lobster in it. Sam tries it and has to chew it a bit. Sam then hops in a car to catch the sunset at the Outermost Inn. It had an exquisite view and Sam enjoys it while she chows down.

Sam wonders what they are doing in Nantucket.

Coming up: Wind-surfing goes wrong and Sam jumps to Nantucket.

Saturday morning: Sam decides to forgo the popular beaches to go visiting inland. She visits a farm along with several children who are learning about farm work. Sam gets to milk a goat before hitching a ride on a trailer. She talks with some of the children on the trailer as they head to feed the cows. After that, Sam goes to learn how to wind surf. Sam asks for her producer to see why they thought she could learn it in an hour. They put Sam out in the water and she wipes out. She wonders if they shot a scene from Jaws in this lagoon as they play a variation of the Jaws theme. The instructor confirms sharks could swim into the waters by Martha’s Vineyard and the fear keeps Sam on her board.

Next: Trash talking in Nantucket!

Saturday afternoon: Sam travels via ferry to Nantucket or the “Gray Lady” because of the fog that shrouds the island. After passing yachts, she starts with a cocktail (that’s our Sam!) at White Elephant Hotel before getting a tour of the yachts. Sam says that there is a tradition where when people pass a lighthouse, they throw in a penny for a safe return. Sam jokes that that is something she can afford on Nantucket. Meanwhile, her captain takes her clamming. He says they will be gathering quahogs (like Quahog, setting of Family Guy). Sam uses her feet and manages to pick a few clams. Sam mentions that all of Nantucket’s beaches are open to the public.

Sam heads back to the island for a clam bake, which is forced into a garage due to a storm. Sam enjoys a clam bar before going down to see the clam bake down on the beach. As music plays, everyone enjoys their seafood dinner. Sam sits down and talks with some of the locals. One says she likes living on the island, thirty miles away from land. Sam watches the Nantucket sunset, which is gorgeous.

Coming up: Nantucket v. Martha’s Vineyard

Sunday morning: Sam walks along the beach and talks about Moby Dick. She meets Chuck, who takes her out on a boat. He talks about the whaling industry. Sam asks him about Martha’s Vineyard and he says nothing. It doesn’t exist. He says that they (Martha’s Vineyard) gets the movie stars while Nantucket gets the CEOs.

Back on shore, Sam goes biking through a small town that looks more England than New England. Mark Donato takes Sam around Nantucket. She says she tries to never use the words “quaint” and “picturesque” but Nantucket forces her to use it. Mark says that the difference between people from Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard is that Nantucket folk have all their teeth. He reveals that there is a big football game between the two islands and Sam deduces that the rivalry is all sparked from high school football. As most great rivalries are indeed sports related. See: Yankees, New York and Red Sox, Boston.

As another storm drenches Nantucket, Sam decides to put her umbrella to good use and go shopping. She describes Nantucket’s style as preppy and bright-colored. She goes to visit Cheryl Fudge, who owns a store on Nantucket and lets customers try their hand at designing. Cheryl shows Sam how they do that and it looks like alcohol is served. Sam’s set. She picks pink tee and designs her own souvenir shirt.

Decisions, decisions, decisions! Nantucket or Martha’s Vineyard? She loved them both!

Now this is better! This is a weekend normal people could actually do, rather than the last episode I recapped which had her spend a weekend with a traveling circus. While both islands had the reputation of being the playground of the rich and famous, both seem to have much to offer for a weekend getaway. I would like to go to either or!

Quotes of the Episode:

“I seem to have wandered onto the pages of a well-illustrated children’s book.”—Sam, about her first stop on Martha’s Vineyard.

“We used to slay whales, now we just slay the stock market.”—Sam, about the type of people who visit Nantucket.

Big Top Samantha!

Sam tells us that she’s going back to her childhood and waits for her ride. And it’s a truck? A circus truck? She’s spending her weekend with a traveling circus. Okay.

Can a normal person actually do this?

Anyway, she’s in San Jose with the Circus Vargas, a family circus traveling around California. Sam asks if there was a time he didn’t want to be in the circus and he says “no.” They will be staying in a mall parking lot, where the Big Top will be set up. They let Sam drive the truck before breaking out the forklifts and hard hats. She hits the “go” button and the tent rises like dough. She is informed the tent is from Italy. One of the people helping Sam is also a trapeze artists and he shows off his muscles. Sam meets Nelson, the circus owner, as she continues to finish setting up the tent. Nelson reveals the construction crew, like the trapeze artist, are all in the circus. And all seem to be related to him either by blood or by marriage. Sam commiserates about having to live with the people she works with and asks to borrow the sledgehammer. You know there’s a tech somewhere off camera shaking his of her head.

It’s Saturday and the tent is finally set up. She goes to get dolled up for a circus parade at the Santa Cruz Boardwalk. Sam kicks out the camera crew before emerging dressed for a parade. Santa Cruz is a top surfing spot and is one of the oldest Boardwalk amusement park in Cali. So the circus performers go out, get people hula-hooping. She finds the trapeze artist, watching and eating ice cream. But it’s not all work and no play as the performers hit some rides.

Next: She flies through the air with the greatest of ease, the high-flying Sam on the flying trapeze…

Saturday afternoon in San Jose. Sam begins her training with the Lyra. The performer, Danielle, says you can use your dancing skills with this act. She herself is a former dancer who has been performing with the circus for years. She teaches Sam some moves on the Lyra. Sam isn’t so graceful when she tries to right herself from the pose. She trains how to fall properly with Nelson. He tells her to land on her back for safety but she doesn’t need to practice. It’s only falling. He gets her in a harness for the trapeze. Tense music plays as Sam tries to get out of doing it. She even offers to buy everyone beer. That’s our Sam! The others refuse, saying they don’t drink. Sam knows she’ll need one. But she takes the leap and swings through the air, lets go and lands on her stomach. She knows that isn’t how she was supposed to land.

Next: Sam the Swami meets Sam the Chicken.

Saturday evening. Sam decides to get down with (funny) business with Circus Vargas’ head clown. She gets the makeup on as the clown says he really feels it when the nose comes on. They stick a red nose on her and reveal what she looks like while it sounds like “76 Trombones” from “The Music Man” plays. She asks for a cream pie and they love that she’s in character. “No, I’m just hungry” she says. The crowds arrive and the MC welcomes them to the Circus Vargas. We see Danielle and the Lyra as Sam prepares to enter with the clowns. They entertain the crowds, pulling some victims from the audience. She manages to get applause.

Sunday morning. Sam practices the trapeze again, but she won’t have a safety rope that night. Louis helps her out of the harness as Sam gets some tips. She prepares to jump off the platforms and has a panic attack. She talcs up her hands, getting a pep talk. She leaves the platform and flies, this time remembering to land on her back. You know, I have to give her credit. I couldn’t never do that. I’m too scared of heights to even get up on the platform, let alone to fly the trapeze.

Coming up: The final performance!

Sunday evening. It is Circus Vargas’ final performance in San Jose. As the family performs, Sam worries she may not be able to do the trapeze. She gets dressed in her costume as we see Danielle one last time on the Lyra. Sam reminds herself to smile, to show the audience she is having fun. The MC introduces the flying trapeze artists, who perform stunts that elicit gasps of delight from the crowd. Sam stands on the platform, looking pretty until her turn. She grabs the trapeze and flies. After a few swings, se lands with a bounce in the net. She takes a bow with the others as the evening draws to a close. The family tells her the next time, she’ll do some somersaults in the air. She agrees.

The episode ends with Sam flying in the Lyra, voicing over how she was glad to live out her dreams of running away with the circus.

But the question begs to be asked: Can a normal person looking for a weekend getaway just book a trip with a local traveling circus? Do they allow the average Joe to perform with them? One of the things I like about Sam’s show is that while she is granting special privileges because she has a camera crew, she goes places and does things that anyone can do in a weekend. While watching Sam perform with the circus was fun, I would’ve rather her take me around San Jose, show what the city has to offer.

Quote of the Episode
“I’m just hoping the nose gives me powers I need to make people smile.”—Sam, before her circus debut.

In Search of America(na)

It’s summer and you know what that means! It’s time for me to return to Samantha Brown’s escapades crammed into one weekend.

We start with Samantha in a red convertible driving a road. She’s driving Route 66 to find the America immortalized in the memories of the post-war generation and “Cars.”

If you ever plan to motor West/Travel my way, that’s the highway that’s the best/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Albuquerque, New Mexico. Horns go off everywhere. One is even the wolf-whistle. It’s a classic car club. This one included an Edsel, the legendary lemon produced by Ford. She gets the red convertible we saw in the cold open. She hits the road, leading a parade of classic cars, heading west from Albuquerque. She first stops at the Route 66 Hostel where a band welcomes her. They jump into the car with their instruments—including an upright bass—and we meet Felix and the Cats. Felix is the one playing the guitar. The other two are the cats. She drops the Cats off in a random parking lot. I guess they have to walk back?

It winds from Chicago to LA/More than two thousand miles along the way/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Route 66 was built in 1926 and spans from Chicago to LA. She leave Albuquerque and enjoys the wind in her hair. She says Route 66 is still mostly intact between New Mexico and Arizona, complete with gorgeous scenery. She stops in Gallup, “the Indian Cultural Center of the Southwest.” She wants to find a wacky hotel and El Rancho answers her call. Many Hollywood actors stayed there while filming the Westerns. And she first checks out the neon in Gallup. Remember the scene in “Cars” where Radiator Springs lights up? That’s this looks like.

Coming up: Birds!

Now you go through St. Louis/Joplin, Missouri/And Oklahoma City is might pretty

Saturday morning, Sam hits Route 66 and prepares to enter the state of Arizona. She’s like me—randomly shouting “train!” as one chugs along behind her. She enters Holbrook and says the roadside attactions look like a nuclear war zone, meaning it’s a good stop. She wonders if she can pet the ostrich as the camera pans to a giant sign reading “Caution: Ostrich Bite.” So she opts to feeding them before going to eat some eggs for breakfast. Ostrich eggs that is. She feeds some people before continuing along down Route 66. She promises us the strangest thing on Route 66. And a giant car designed to look like it belongs in Cars as a performance artist car. The owner, John, runs a diner in Seligman with his sister Christine. Their dad, the original owner, was a big practical joker, noted by the fact that the door handle marked “pull” doesn’t work. She asks for a shake and the two hold out their hands. After some other jokes, Sam jumps behind the counter to serve some customers.

Coming up: Donkeys and Sam shoots the sheriff (but not the deputy).

You see Amarillo/Gallup, New Mexico/Flagstaff, Arizona/Don’t forget Winona/Kingman/Barstow/San Bernandino

Sam hops back into her car and continues to drive Route 66. Sam wonders what she should name her car. She doesn’t know if the car should have a female name or a male name, pondering this while eating a Snowball. She decides to name it after the sugary sweet. She’s driven 500 miles and I noticed her rearview mirror decoration has changed. It’s gone from a dwarf to a dream catcher.

She stops in Cool Springs, population: Gas Station. The gas station no longer provides gas, probably because of all the changes made to gas formulas throughout the years, but it’s store still operates! Sam gets a soda, pulls up a seat and enjoys the view. She feels as if time has stopped because she could be in any era. She gets back in the car, where her rearview mirror decoration is again a dwarf. She takes the dwarf down and decides to put out a hula girl. She hits a treacherous part of Route 66. She says it has to do with the turns but I’m sure the fact it seems the road hasn’t seen a paver in decades has something to do with it as well. She even spots the remains of cars who didn’t survive the trek.

She arrives in Oatman, a living ghost town. Bwah? There are still burros in town, who come down to get carrots. And people give them because, hey, they’re adorable. She joins a bunch of people to witness a gunfight in the center of town. The troupe pulls out our own Annie Oakley. She shoots and the cowboys fall down. She leaves the town and Route 66 as well. She picks up Interstate 40 and says she has a big Hollywood finale planned for the ending of her Route 66 road trip.

Coming up: Cliff diving?

Won’t you get hip to this timely tip?/When you take that California trip/Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Deer! Sam arrives at a national park. At a quarter to 5 AM. Eww. I usually don’t like to acknowledge that time exists. She and a bunch of early morning birds watch the sun rise over the Grand Canyon. Sam then jumps into a helicopter. Her pilot says the park spans the entire area of Switzerland. He then asks her if she wants to jump off a cliff and takes her over the Canyon. They see the Colorado River from the air. The pilot says it’s one of the natural formations viewable from space. I don’t think you can see anything from space except the continents, but okay.

Sam and Snowball drive to their goodbye point, with fluffy white dice now dangling from her rearview mirror. She says goodbye and leaves the car…And then my DVR cut out. Sorry guys!

It’s great to be back with Samantha Brown and her trips. You might notice she didn’t have a single alcoholic beverage this trip, something I know I make a running gag of her alcoholism in the other episodes. I assume it is her being a conscientious driver and not drinking because she is behind the wheel. Either way, it was a fun ride and gives me ideas. Maybe not Route 66—that sounds like something my dad would do. I’m not one to stay in a car that long!

Moment of the Episode:

The expression on the French tourists faces when John and Christine pull some pranks in Seligman.

Get your kicks on Route Sixty-Six

Green is as Green Does

Samantha returns to Hawaii. That was fast. This time though she’s on Maui and going green! In honor of that, this entry will go green...fonted.

Sam joins a bus tour along a very beautiful and winding path. They stop to see “rainbow” trees. It looks like someone painted the trees. Sam and her busmates play “Guess Your Carbon Footprint.” One has a large footprint but feels the bus lessens it a bit. Sam’s going green! They arrive at one very beautiful view before finishing with a stop by the ocean. It’s a scene out of nature film. Sam points out that her driver left the bus running with the air conditioner running. He says it was for their comfort. Makes sense. Sam admits she created the whole in the ozone layer as her busmates look like they want to be anywhere but on her bus. Sam is excited to be on the black sand beach and Sam apologizes to nature. She hits the surf before running out for fear of jellyfish.

She stops at an organic farm. They even grew their own coffee! Sam wonders why there’s a bike in the middle of store. Turns out, that’s what operates the blender. So, when Sam orders a smoothie, guess who puts the pedal to the metal? Sam Brown, that’s right. She enjoys the fruits of her labor and decides to make everyone smoothies! Sam turns in since she says tomorrow is a busy day.

Sam starts her day at my weekend/vacation bedtime—2 AM—to go see the sunrise. She has some fun with her director, who falls asleep on the way up. But they make it and the sunrise rises while some woman sings an ancient chant to welcome the sun. Sam grabs another bike to get back down the hall. She enjoys the scenery and her low carbon emissions.

Sam arrives at the bottom to hear about the Hawaiian Olympic games which celebrated the crops, not victories. They give Sam a spear. Oh boy. She watches father and son battle it out for which stick they shoot at. They grab arms and hop on one leg. Okay…You could’ve just flipped a coin. We learn Sam didn’t do jauvelin in high school as she misses her mark each time until her last one. Next, they call a ladder a sled and go down the hill on it. It looks painful. Sam wipes out and the company groans accordingly.

Sam goes to visit a farm and sinks as it is watery. She helps harvest the main ingredient of the dish Poi as fire ants attack. Sam celebrates that she’s a farmer with the Kashi representative/nutritionist. The real farmer is thinking, “Sweet, free labor!” Sam then learns how to make Poi. She skins it, boils it and mashes it. Then they add water and mix it.

Sunday dawns and Sam finds herself in the water. She goes snorkeling. I tried to go snorkeling on Maui but got too seasick. They threw me in the water with a raft just to get my stomach to calm down. It actually works. So, folks, if you get seasick, get yourself into the water. Sam drags along a water proof camera and gets shots of Hawaiian fish and reef.

Sam finishes off her weekend in Maui by making a PSA. It’s actually pretty funny and true to Sam—she tells a shower hog that they’ll miss happy hour. Hey, Sam actually didn’t consume any alcohol on this vacation. Wow. Sam boards a canoe and paddles off into the sunset. Actually, to the airport.

That finishes Sam’s trip to Maui. So, we say “aloha” to my favorite Hawaiian island and gear up for when Sam goes to Sundance next week.

Quote of the Episode:
“You try being nice to Mother Earth and sometimes she just kicks you in the butt.”—Sam, after her wipeout

The Love Boat

Tonight, Sam goes on a cruise! Again! And it’s longer than a weekend!

The sun rises on Fort Lauderdale and Sam takes pictures of the Carnival Freedom. We meet Sam’s mom as they board the ship. That…is a nice ship. Mom loves the room and they enjoy the view. We meet Sam’s friend Liz and her husband. Hey, will we ever see Sam’s husband? Liz and Hubby start off the cruise with alcohol. I can tell why she and Sam are friends. Pete and K are playing on the deck, leaving Sam alone. She finds her mother and alcohol. The ship leaves the dock as they find Liz and Hubby. Her other friends are dancing. There are ships that sail out of Bayonne, NJ. I see them every so often sailing under the Verrazano-Narrows Bridge while I ride the bus home from work.

Sam starts her next day with a work out before joining the girls for breakfast. Liz said her hubby was surprised to wake up to water. He and Pete are playing…Bingo. Seriously? But the men are having fun. Unfortunately, they don’t get Bingo.

Sam and her mother hit the Beauty Salon to get ready for Elegant Night, to meet the captain. That is a great view to see during beautification. Liz and Hubby get dance lessons, specifically to learn the Cha-Cha. Sam’s movement is limited to changing the settings on the massage chair.

The gang hits Elegant Night and starts with pictures. My family chronicles our life with our Disney picture, our friends do it with their cruise pictures. They finish and go to meet the officers. The captain looks confused at the gang. They get to dine with him. Sam warns him about K. She asks if she can guide the ship, thinking it is driven by a wheel. The captain gets a laugh. Sam and the gang dance with the officers after dinner as Liz and Hubby impress them with their Cha-Cha.

The next day, they go on a sky ride to view all of St. Thomas. Sam finds artists at work on the top, including one who lives on a sail boat in the harbor. Mom goes to hang out with the birds. They try more alcohol. K is able to go up and stir a ship. She and Pete have signed up to ride submersible scooters—scooting on the harbor’s floor. Those helmets are hysterical. Meanwhile, Sam tries to get Hubby to buy something for Liz, claiming it’s his tenth anniversary. Liz reminds Sam she was at their tenth anniversary party. Sam laughs. Pete and K hit the town to see some sites.

They all meet up on the ship for drinks.

At the marriage game, we realize Sam was really off about Liz and Hubby’s anniversary. They’ve been married for 14 years. Sam gets to help with the game as Liz and Hubby play. It also allows her to tease her friends. Each couple though gets champagne and a trophy.

They disembark in Antigua. Sam and Pete head for the center of the island. Sam gives Pete a little history on Antigua before they get their ATVs. After donning their helmets, they take off for a tour of the island. Liz, K and Hubby go to visit Antigua’s rain forests. They ride a zip line. Liz looses steam halfway through and has to pull herself along. Sam and Pete spot windmills. The two try to leave but Sam’s run out of juice. K, Liz and Hubby are surprised to come across a zip line 200 feet up and 325 feet down. Liz screams all the way down. K screams “I’m king of the world” on her ride down. They all meet up to go on a tour of the rum distillery. Hey, where’s Mom? They even get to try some aged rums. Pete chugs his.

Mom’s onboard, watching the sunrise.

The gang plays games where losers must go down the killer water slide. Seriously, it’s the type of slide I close my eyes to go up so my fear of heights doesn’t stop me to ride. After Ping-Pong, they hit mini-golf. My family and I love to mini golf. Hubby, Sam and K lose and must go down the slide. What a terrible price. (End sarcasm). Sam enjoys her plunge to the bottom. Sam then takes Mom out for afternoon tea. Mom is just glad to be out of snowy New Hampshire. Sam and Liz play “Where’s Waldo?” with their Elegant Night pictures. Mom though heads for the jewelry.

That night—more games! Though, this is casino night. They wager 50 bucks as a start. Sam wins big at the craps table. K follows suit at blackjack. She goes all in—including her jewelry. Meanwhile, the guys are at Roulette. Hubby’s pile is bigger than Pete’s. Sam shows off hers as Liz and Mom hit the slots. Liz wins. Sam and Pete finish up the night with a game of basketball. I could join in that game—I can’t get the ball in the hoop either! Sam gets on Pete’s shoulders in order to do so.

Their next stop is the British Virgin Islands. Sam, K and Mom go to the smallest island for a hike. They keep stopping so K could take pictures. They find the beach which is absolutely beautiful. Sam goes to find the baths. She wants some alone time. Mom reads on the beaches while K plays in the surf. Liz and Hubby go for some couple time on the beach on the main island. They go to meet and play with dolphins.

They pick up Pete for a mile walk to raise money for breast cancer. They meet a survivor who is walking around. Breast cancer is a cause close to my heart as a few members in my family have had it and I know I can get it. After walking for a cause, Sam goes for a cooking lesson. She helps to make tiramisu.

They finish on Nassau. CARNIVAL! They visit a center, where we learn this Carnival is not held on Shrove Tuesday but after Christmas. Sam tries on a Carnival costume. They hold a mini Carnival with noise makers and a line dance. Liz and Hubby want fritters so they go to find some with Sam and Mom. K and Pete go on a carriage ride around the island. They go down the Queen’s Steps before returning to the boat.

For the last night, they go to the ship’s fanciest restaurant for dinner. They toast their vacation. Sam leaves to go make their dessert. It’s a sampler and Mom is impressed. The gang decides to go dancing and raid their closet for the most 70’s items they have. Pete even has an afro wig. They boogie the night away.

Quote of the Episode:

“The bald guy needs a hair net?” Sam at the distillery.

The Other Side of Beantown

When I went to Boston, my family and I focused on the history. Sam’s weekend in Boston is entirely different.

Sam starts Friday night at an Italian festival in East Boston. She learns how to toss a pie but enjoys chowing down more. She joins a biachi game before…entering a sausage eating competition?? She takes her place with a bunch of guys at the table. Let’s see if Sam is still standing after ten minutes. She stares in awe at her competitors as she takes her time with her sausages. At the end of the competition, Ian won. Someone get Sam some anti acid.

Sam meets up with an old friend, Glen, for a yoga class. She even gets a private lesson. He guides her through some of the poses. She thinks this is payback for some childhood taunting. Sam says good-bye to Glen and goes to find more food.

But first, she takes a trip to the Boston Commons to view a dragon dance by some Chinese Bostonians. They let Sam join after telling her how women wouldn’t have been allowed to do this in ancient times. Sam gets to play with the giant drum before going to Revere Beach for the food. She goes to Kelly’s and gets to go into the kitchen. They let her use the deep fryer, frying clams. Why am I not surprised? They next let her handle the window. We even get treated to a Bostonian accent when Sam asks for the tartar sauce.

After the rush, Sam goes to hang out on the beach. She watches people come to watch the sunset over the beach.

After the sun goes down, Sam goes to a swing dance club. She partners up with Rick, who guides her through the dances. She tells us that while the dancing was fun, her feet hurt. So what does Sam do? She goes to the bar, duh. Hey, the bartender mentions mocktails! We used to have those served at events at my college. I loved our strawberry daiquiri mocktails. She feels she’s in trouble because her bartender can make some great drinks.

Sam starts Sunday with a private sailing lesson at the Boston Sailing Center. They get the boat ready and wait for the wind to take them out to Boston Harbor. She and her instructor have to watch out for ships as it is an active harbor, much like boating around New York Harbor. She asks to see the USS Constitution and we get a shot of Old Ironsides herself.

Sam finishes at the Suffolk Downs, visiting the race horses. She tries to pick a winner. She watches as they parade the horses around and gets some advice from the locals. She puts money on horse number one. She was originally going to bet on “She’s on Fire,” who eventually wins the race. Sam goes to throttle the nice locals who encouraged her to switch. She bets on her friend’s horse, Hint Hint Hint. The horse comes in sixth. Sam’s determined to win. She bets on 2,5,6,9. Sam doesn’t win again. By the way, congrats to those who bet on Summer Bird at the Belmont and sorry to those who picked Mine that Bird.

Next week: Sam brings her mother and some friends on a cruise. Will they all survive?

Quote of the Episode:
“I’m getting into some rough waters with Gilligan.”—Sam at swing dancing

If you want to read about my trip to Boston last summer and/or see my pictures, they are right here on my blog under my August 2008 entries!

A Trip to the Second City

This week, Samantha Brown spends a weekend in the Windy City, Chicago!

We start with Sam biking on Friday. Sam comments about how she is going to get letters about her not wearing a helmet. True, Sam, true. She goes to see some of Chicago’s art, including a sculpture dubbed “The Beam.” She goes to a fountain complete with giant faces watching you frolic. Sam meets up with other cyclists, just talking in one of Chicago’s plazas. They also go biking on a route, which only a few people know. Sam meets him and the bikers are off!

Sam goes to replace the calories she just burned off and gets to use a fire torch on meat at Moto. The kitchen looks like a science lab but everything is used to save energy. They are being eco-friendly and delicious! Sam is surprised to see roadkill on the menu and moves quickly to desert. Which is a purple pancake. Sam makes a grapefruit sorbet over frozen nitrogen. It looks like the frozen balls the people at the Liberty Science Center like to break during their frozen nitrogen demonstrations. Sam finishes her meal, gets a plate instructing her to eat her cigar.

We come back to Saturday morning. Sam goes to visit Second City, that comedy club where many comedians got their start. Despite not having her hand up, Sam volunteers to be part of the improv. Sam and partner Patrick get a scene in a graveyard, on a first date. Sam is pretty good at this improv stuff, the audience loves the duo. Now, on to Sam’s ongoing love affair with alcohol, she goes to have a beer. They challenge her to name the country of origin. She challenges the owner, who impresses her. The bartender says the locals are the rowdiest of the bar’s international clientele.

At sundown on Saturday, Sam goes to a steakhouse. She gets to visit the meat locker. She learns that they let the meat age, like a fine wine. Personally, that makes me a bit sick. I think I’d rather have fresh meat…wait, I don’t eat beef when I go out. Don’t age the chicken and I’m fine. Sam gets a feast to relish. She continues her night with a visit to Buddy Guy’s Blues Club. The performer tells Sam about the difference in Chicago blues, saying the weather helps—particularly how cold the city gets.

Sunday morning dawns over Chicago as Sam makes her way to Wrigley Field. Actually, she’s across the way from Wrigley Field, on a rooftop decked out as extra stadium seats. The fans don’t know who the Cubs are playing nor that at this point, they were in first place. But, as someone else says, not for long. The Chicago Cubs are the new Boston Red Sox since 2004. Sam goes to get a hot dog. I don’t blame her. I may not eat beef when I go out, but when I went to see the Staten Island Yankees, I got a hot dog. What’s a baseball game without one? And she’s probably finding out where that other woman got her white wine. As the weekend ends, Sam still defends New York.

Quote of the Episode:
“It’s like a wine tasting and we all know how much I like my wine.”—Sam. Yes, Sam, we do.

Next week: Boston! Hey, I’ve been there! Looks like we're just getting one show per week now.

Rock-A-Hula Luau

Expedia and the Travel Channel send Sam to Hawaii, specifically the Big Island (also called Hawaii). I’ve been to Hawaii, but to Oahu and Maui.

Sam starts off her Hawaiian weekend with a helicopter tour of the island. See how blue that water is? You can go in and see straight down to the bottom. We mainland tourists were mesmerized. Sam flies by a beautiful waterfall which the pilot tells her is taller than the New York City skyline. Sam gets dropped off there so she can go on a hike in the Kahala Forest. They reboard the helicopter to see one of Hawaii’s volcanoes, most of which are underwater and continue to expand the islands—the only state that continues growing. Her guide tells Sam that this volcano is the home to Madame Pele, the Polynesian volcano goddess. She can also be seen in the Enchanted Tiki Room in Disney. Sam gets to see lava, which is beautiful…when viewed safely from my couch.

Sam goes to a lesson to learn about native music. Her teacher plays the conch or “poon” and teaches her to play it. This is all to prepare Sam to be part of that night’s luau. Sam holds a coconut while her instructor threatens to cut it with a huge knife. He doesn’t. At dinner time, Sam tries to blow the poon but the crowd doesn’t appreciate her efforts. Third time’s the charm and they applaud. Sam hits the buffet. She watches her instructor perform the fire dance.

We come back to Saturday morning and Sam joins Michelle in picking coffee beans. She introduces her father. They have three minutes to pick as many beans as possible—the one with most beans and heaviest bucket wins. Sam dives right into the competition. She leaves to meet her friend Daniel, who introduces her to a master canoe builder. Who she met already as a tattoo artist. Okay. Skeet, the canoe builder/tattoo artist, teaches Sam how to make the canoe. Sam goes to a canoe blessing that will allow them to take it out to sea as it is 100 years old. She goes paddling along.

We return, passing Hawaii’s observatories. Sam heads 1400 feet above sea level. Their guide tells them some side effects of altitude sickness—nausea, vomiting, etc. It makes Sam “cranky”—she hasn’t had her alcohol yet this episode. They finally make it to the top in time for the sunset. They don parkas to keep warm. That is a beautiful sunset. Also, the mountain is where Hawaiians believe to have come from.

Sam goes to get some drinks, particularly an herbal one that acts as a stress reliever. The server tells her how to drink it—clap once, chug and clap twice. She warns it can sedate you so to drink it in moderation. She ignores her own advice as she gets comfortable with her new drinking buddies. She joins him in feeding the eels. And there they are, complete with an eel fight over some meat.

Sam finishes the weekend with a trip to a hula class for children. Sam joins them, trying to get the hula down. She learns it’s a lot harder than it looks. She watches their flexibility and tries to do it herself. They have to help her up. And so endeth Sam Brown’s trip to Hawaii!

Aloha ‘Oe!

Quote of the Episode:
“The site for girls gone mild.”—Sam’s drinking buddy

The second half-hour is a repeat of Sam’s trip to Philly. Next week’s episode, Sam spends a weekend in the Windy City!

Hauntings and Dancing Down South

We’re getting some ghosts as Sam visits Savannah, GA and Charleston, SC.

Sam starts off in Charleston. She goes on a ghost tour to the old city jail, built in 1801. He shows them a torture device, which Sam calls the first pilates machine. He next brings the group in a prison cell, still period. He tells them of Lavinia Fisher, who was convicted of murdering people in her husband’s inn. She asked to be hanged in her wedding dress and took requests for messages to the devil. Sam notes there are hand marks on the walls, surprising even her guide. Sam’s cameraman dares her to go inside and then pranks her. She tries to attack him.

Sam wakes up at an ungodly hour to go work out with the US Army. Why? She goes for a jog. She then joins the cadets for stretches. Sam does manage to hold her own against the military. They even start the singing. You can tell this is the South and the Army, the cadet keeps calling her “ma’am.” As the sound editors cue up “As the Caissons Go Rollin’ Along” as Sam continues the workout from hell. They reward her with breakfast.

She goes from running to riding, joining a hunt. But there will be no real fox chased during this hunt—they will just place something with a fox’s scent down for the dogs to chase. She follows the jumpers in the hilltop group. That is one tiny horn. We see dogs run, horses chase and that small horn again. They hold a cocktail party and give Sam her favorite thing—alcohol.

Sam goes to dance lessons to learn how to do the Charleston. I learned how to do the Charleston in elementary school. We did a show—music in the last 150 years (1848-1998) to commemorate our church’s anniversary. Some girls got their dance teacher to teach them how to the Charleston and then they taught it to the rest of us, even us who weren’t in the number! (Like me, I was in the Twist number). After mastering the Charleston, Samantha heads south to Savannah. She goes to a local music venue, Jinx. And don’t let the tattoos fool you—they are Bingo freaks. Except with a bit of twist. The emcee keeps drinking while Sam makes friends with Chris, a tattoo artist. He thinks Sam should get a globe on her ankle. Sam gets Bingo. Her prize—whiskey and emcee duties. She goes to meet the emcee. She gets into some banter with the emcee, calling themselves the “sick version of Regis and Kelly.” She holds her own.

Sam goes to face her greatest fear: bees. Two hundred forty thousand to be exact. The beekeeper explains that yellow jackets sting, not really honey bees. They use smoke to relax the bees and prevent them for sounding the alarm. A bee gets into Sam’s net, scaring her. She gets a reward for being brave by tasting pure, fresh honey straight from the hive. He gives her some bees to hold. I wouldn’t do that. She holds them for half a minute, calls them adorable and shakes them off.

Cemetery! My sister is skived out already. Sam goes to visit Bonaventure Cemetery. Her host brings her to Gracie Watson’s grave, a little girl. She is buried alone and Sam gives her some candy. Sam asks her about paranormal activity. Her host tells Sam that there are reports of French ghosts, but other stories are cut short by storm winds. Sam leaves the cemetery and goes to do a murder mystery theatre. I did one of those at school. It was fun even if I wasn’t right. The actors also double as servers. So whodunit? Sam Brown did! The sleuth calls her a “talk show host.” She corrects him, saying, “Travel show host!” Good job, Sam!

Now, Sam goes VIP in Atlanta, GA.

Sam meets up with a fashion show host to go visit Atlanta’s oldest jewelry store. Sam apologizes to husbands for any ideas their wives get after the scene. Sam picks some pieces out to try on. Sam admires her diamonds. She is worth $300, 000 with the jewels on. They allow Sam to borrow some pieces and even give her security. She has her own little secret service! They drop Sam off at…

Atlanta’s fashion show Hotlanta! Anyone can go to Hotlanta because it is a benefit. She meets a designer who is putting her on the red carpet. She wears a beautiful black dress with the jewelry. And her body guard is behind her. She meets another designer who will put her on the catwalk. She learns how to walk—call Ms. J! Sam hits hair and make up, sadly not done by Sutan or Christian. Sam learns she is opening the show and is needed in five minutes. So they speed her through. And she hits the catwalk to applause.

Sam goes to the Georgia Aquarium, the largest aquarium on the planet. She goes on a backstage tour. She sees the exhibits. Her guide talks her into going into the water and swimming with the whale sharks, which can only swallow something the size of a quarter. Sam gets her gear and dives in. She worries still about becoming scum as one swims by. She screams so loud, the sound guy can pick it up on land. But she is glad to have done it.

So, from the aquarium she goes to an underground mall. She goes for some dance lessons with Swagger. She impresses them with the Roger Rabbit. But they teach her some of their hip hop moves. She even gets an audience but asks Swagger to dance. She passes their test.

ATLANTA! Sam goes to eat at Rathbun’s to meet one of the best cooks in the city. Sam gives him a challenge to make a dish with a pumpkin. He asks Sam to help him and give him a mud bath as a prize. He creates a few dishes with the pumpkin and they name them. When some guys tells her he is on his third martini, she gives him one of the dishes. She finds other guinea pigs who like their dishes. Sam goes to meet up the fashion host and her friend to go to a nightclub in an opera house. She gets appetizers in a private room. They bring a giant cup, fill it with ice and give them a lot of champagne. So, appropriately buzzed, she goes to try out her dance moves.

Sam finishes her time in Atlanta by first eating at Varsity, a drive-in burger joint. Her serve sings the menu and orders, like they used to do. She gets her order and then goes to visit the Atlanta Braves. She calls this a present to the men who had to suffer through her Breakfast at Tiffany’s moment. The Braves give her her own jersey. She gets pitching lessons but needs catching lessons. Sam uses some of her dancing lessons to help get the footing right. Some fans cheer for her. Sam goes to apologize to her cameraman after nearly clocking him with a ball. She goes to meet some of the wives of the players, who dish about their husbands. She then goes to a pep rally before the game. They give her a drum and she performs. That’s some pre-show. They then give her a t-shirt gun to fire into the crowds. I loved that when I went to Shea Stadium.

And so ends Sam’s tour of the South. Next week: Hawaii.

Quote of the Episode(s):

“A drag hunt does not involve drag queens.”—Sam, getting ready for a hunt in Charleston

“You are a woman’s best friend.”
“Actually, I’m her husband’s best friend.” –Sam and the Jeweler in Atlanta

Champagne Wishes and Caviar Dreams

In her latest weekend escape, Sam goes clear across the country to Los Angeles. She gets picked up by a helicopter at the airport and is given an air tour of LA. Complete of course with a glass of champagne. Not complete, however, with a Robin Leach voiceover. If helicopters didn’t give me the heebie-jeebies, I’d be jealous. This episode’s theme is “Get Sam into the movie business” apparently as she goes to take a class in stage fighting. She rocks the Rocky portion of the class and can hold her own with the Errol Flynn portion.

After a work out, she joins a bunch of people with lawn chairs and pillows…going into a cemetery. It’s Hollywood Forever, the resting place of many of Tinsel Town’s big names. Sam breaks down at Mel Blanc’s grave, mourning for the characters of our youth. But the reason everyone brought the chairs and pillows? They screen a movie on the back of a mausoleum. Now that is cool. I can’t see my sister complaining about us visiting a graveyard if there was a movie to be seen.

After the movie, Sam decides to take some lessons with fire throwers. She practices and reveals she used to work a mean baton. But in a major accomplishment, manages not to singe herself and safely makes it for drinks. It looks like she’s in a hotel bar, but it’s nice and quiet. She meets up with a fellow travel host who lives out in LA and they discuss the difference between the East and West Coasts. The friend comments how in LA, you can go to the local Starbucks and have a conversation with the barista. “You’d be shot in New York,” she says. Yes, yes, you would. And you’re lucky I don’t like coffee or else I’d be holding the gun.

You know what, I love the Surfing Rabbi. That congregation must be very popular. “My rabbi surfs! What does your rabbi do?” He gives Sam surfing instructions as “Hava Nagila” plays in the background. She wipes out a lot, but I’d daresay I would be any better. Nor am I surprised because I love her cruise specials and she didn’t take to the surfing machine on that either.

Two weeks ago I’d never heard of the Magic Castle. Now, it’s been on my television within the past two weeks—first Tyra sent the model-wannabes there to meet the judges, now Sam is getting a tour. She is introduced to a piano that plays itself and plays “Alexander’s Ragtime Band.” She goes to a few magic shows, even letting one use her ring for a trip. I hope it wasn’t her wedding band!

At the end, Sam travels back to the airport via helicopter. Actually, you know, I’ve sat in LA traffic. I think that may have been the smart way to travel.

Of course, I went to LA when I was five. My dad was working for ABC at the time and they sent him out to do some work in the LA bureau. So my mom booked the two of us tickets on a flight there and planned a trip to Disneyland. My mother loves to tell the story of all the businessmen who boarded the flight, took one look at me, and groaned. Who wants to be trapped on a five hour flight with a kindergartener? But I’ve always been the quiet child and I had homework to do—my Hickory Dickery Dock book wouldn’t fill itself, you know—so the suits kept coming up to make sure I was still on the flight. Unfortunately, I was victim to the pressure change that affects small children. The pain, I remember. The suits kept trying to help me as we landed.

In LA, we stayed in the Plaza Hotel and I knew we had made it. My mother still laughs at the sight of five-years-old me standing there, waiting for the doorman to open the door for me. We checked in, went to the room and I had no problem ordering room service as my mom caught a nap. I must say, I’ve always been the independent sort. The next day we drove to Anaheim, which in theory isn’t that far a drive. But we sat. And we sat. And we sat so long that by the time we checked into the Ramada (Type F on the Disneyland Chart), it was time to get back in the car to pick up my dad from work. “He can take the bus,” I told my mom.

We went and picked him up. Our Disneyland trip started! Naturally, I remember Disneyland more than I remember LA. Across the street from our hotel was Space Mountain, clearly visible from our room. It was also a memorable trip because I was finally 48 inches tall—I could finally go on the roller coasters! Space Mountain, Thunder Mountain, the Matterhorn—here I come! It was such a great trip. I wish we could go back there someday. My sister was born the following September and has never been there.

Anyone up for a trip to Disneyland?