For Unto Us a Child Is…

It’s time to celebrate Christmas with the How I Met Your Mother gang! Since they did the episode a bit different, the recap is going to be a bit different as well!

We start the episode with Ted holding a gingerbread house and waiting outside a showing of “It’s a Wonderful Life.” He’s waiting for the others to join him and Future!Ted explains that everyone needed the movie. For they had a crazy 36 hours, started with a pregnancy test. Lily and Marshall wait for the results, while Marshall wonders if women can aim. Lily wonders if he can aim because she is mopping the bathroom more than she should be. Marshall blames Lily for putting up a funny calendar above the toilet—he laughs with his entire body. The timer goes off and Lily looks at the results--

Well, if you saw any of the previews, you know the results are positive. They tell their friends and Barney’s reaction is to run away while declaring he never saw Lily before, which is just his automatic response. He congratulates the others before we cut to MacLaren’s, where Robin offers a toast. Marshall says he’s so happy, nothing can bring him down. The next day, Lily and Marshall appear in a doctor’s office in matching track suits where they find out she isn’t pregnant. “That’ll do it,” Marshall mutters.

And so, Future!Ted tells us it has been a crazy 36 hours for the gang as Lily and Marshall’s announcement affected everyone.

Robin: Ted wonders why there are seven episodes of a show called “Million Dollar Heads or Tails” saved to their TiVo. It is hosted by Alex Trebek, who asks a nervous contestant “Heads or Tails” before some blonde flips a coin. And yes, Alex Trebek was really on the show. Robin reveals that there’s an opening for a coin flipper since the blonde one hit Trebek in the eye. So, Robin tried out. Alex is impressed with her flipping skills, her looks and the fact she too is Canadian. He offers her the position and Ted laughs that Robin is going to be a coin flipping bimbo on the show.

He then reminds her of her New Year’s resolution. The one where she promised to never drink again? Nope. The one where she promised to drink the entire bottle before midnight? Nope. The one where she decides to get a job at World News Network and to wear a WNN employee tag that time next year. And to prove she’s serious, she would only have one drink. Well, we know how that ended. Ted asks her about a recent job interview Robin had with WNN. She said they only offered her a lowly research position but Ted says that has to be better than being the coin flip bimbo. Robin argues that she’ll have more exposure on “Million Dollar Heads or Tails” but Ted won’t hear it.

Then Lily and Marshall announce they’re expecting. While they congratulate the duo, Robin panics. She wonders what she’s doing with her life and decides to reject the offer from Alex Trebek and go work at WNN. She mentions this at MacLaren’s, saying she doesn’t want to be the Aunt Robin who is a bimbo on TV but the cool Aunt Robin who is a journalist and gives her niece beer. Lily wants to hear that last part again but Robin covers by offering a toast. Lily toasts with an imaginary drink.

But when Robin shows up to see “It’s a Wonderful Life,” she’s flipping a coin. She announces she’s the new coin flipper on the show and then asks why Ted has a gingerbread house. He replies it’s a holiday-themed snack for a holiday-themed movie but then asks why she didn’t take the job. Robin replies that she was going to turn down Alex Trebek, but then got the text from Lily that she isn’t pregnant. So, she’s going to be coin flipper and wonders were Barney is.

Which lets us segue into…

Barney: Barney got his year-end bonus and it is HUGE. Eye-poppingly huge. Ted complains that all he got was a $15 gift certificate. Barney says he’s going to use his bonus to buy a suit with diamond stripes. Ted argues that he should use the money to do something good. And then Marshall and Lily announce that they’re pregnant! After Barney stops himself from running out, he congratulates him. In his mind, he realizes that they are doing something good and he’s being selfish.

So, he decides to do “Barney’s Favorite Things” complete with everyone going nuts like an Oprah audience. Future!Ted tells us that’s how it went in Barney’s mind. In reality, everyone was less than enthused. But they accepted his gifts, including the track suits Lily and Marshall will wear when they get the news. He likes the feeling so much, he decides to keep giving. So, he turns to James’ father—hi, Ben Vereen!—who is a minister. He tells Ben he wants to give to charity, who Ben hopes isn’t that stripper he keeps getting e-mails about (and pleads with Barney to stop). But Barney pulls out his checkbook and starts writing zeros.

But then he gets the text from Lily about the false alarm, uses his good friend the decimal and gives Ben a check for $100. He then shows up to “It’s a Wonderful Life” in his new suit. Ted asks about his donations but Barney asks where Lily and Marshall are.

Which leads us to…

Lily and Marshall: After they find out they’re having the baby, they go to tell their friends. But when they tell them, Marshall realizes he’s having a panic attack. He and Lily connect telekinetically and realize they are both panicking. They worry that others have heard them, but Robin and Barney are questioning their life choices while Ted questions his choice of snacks. Lily and Marshall extract themselves and flee to their apartment. There, they make a list of everything they have to do before the baby comes…and do it that night.

Cue the montage of Lily reading baby books, Marshall painting the nursery, them wrapping bubble wrap around the apartment, and putting headphones on Lily’s stomach to play classical music. They pull themselves together and manage to look calm with the gang at MacLaren’s. Then they return to the apartment and freak out some more, especially since Lily discovers the iPod was on shuffle—the kid wasn’t always listening to classical music! Marshall asks if there’s anyway to stop the panic…

…and then the doctor tells them they aren’t pregnant. They look around at how chaotic they had been and laugh. They realize that maybe they aren’t ready to have a child and go to join the others at the theater. They explain that they are going to wait a bit more, maybe get a puppy, and everyone agrees to go inside to see the show.

Except Ted, who FREAKS OUT!

Which leads us to…

Ted: We are reminded that Ted will be the best man at his best friend Punchy’s wedding. We see him talking to Punchy about the floral arrangements in loud voices. Umm, how does the Maid of Honor feel about you stepping on her duties, Ted? Robin makes fun of Ted and explains what the Best Man does—he gets the groom down the aisle because the groom will freak out. Ted says he was a Best Man already and Robin reminds us all how that went (Marshall freaking out and shaving his head). She says Ted doesn’t have the balls to get Punchy down the aisle.

Now, Ted lets loose on his friends. He yells that Lily and Marshall had been talking about having a baby for a long time and now, after one close call, they decide they’re not ready and will get a puppy? He orders them to go home, get naked, lay together as man and wife and make a baby! Scared, Lily and Marshall run back home. Not finished, Ted whirls on Barney and orders him to give the suit back and donate the money to Ben’s charity. Barney refuses, so Ted announces to the “criminals of New York City” that Barney’s wearing diamonds. Barney runs home in fear. Robin says they should get their tickets, but Ted’s still not done. He yells at her for turning down the job at World News Network in order to become a coin flipping bimbo. She says she’ll accept the job the next morning. Ted tells her now. She goes to do so. Punchy calls, panicking about the wedding. Ted yells at him that Punchy loves his fiancée, which Punchy agrees with and is calmed down.

Satisfied, Ted goes to see “It’s a Wonderful Life” alone.

At their apartment, Lily and Marshall look around at the chaos that was the last 36 hours of their life and somehow decide that they are, in fact, ready for a baby. Barney does go back to Ben and writes more zeros on his check, causing Ben to nearly faint. Barney asks if the charity Ben helps still needs suits for men to go on job interviews and Ben replies that they do. Barney yells for someone to bring it in and workers bring in racks of suits. Ben reels from this as Barney laughs, enjoying the spirit of giving. Robin starts her new job, getting a tour of the office and shown her WNN cubicle. She is then told to report to HR to get her picture taken.

Back at the apartment, she thanks Ted for getting her to take the job. She says she was wrong and that Ted has the balls to be Punchy’s best man. She then says that if she were to ever get married, she’d want Ted to be her Best Man. He agrees. Aww.

When I first saw the promo for the show, I was happy that they took my advice from the last recap and angry that, like when CSI: NY spoiled the fact that Aidan was their next victim, they spoiled the surprise. Then I saw the title of the episode: False Positive. And while I liked Robin’s and Barney’s storylines, I’m not too thrilled with Lily and Marshall’s. And it’s not so much the false positive, but the reactions. Of course, I liked the sheer panic when they thought they were parents but I didn’t like that they weren’t disappointed in the false positive. And when Ted yelled at them, I felt it wasn’t justified. If they were THAT relieved they weren’t pregnant, then they AREN’T ready to be parents.

And Ted doesn’t have a realization that his life needs some changing? Really, writers? I hope he takes his newly found balls and advances his own plot when the show returns.

Quote of the Episode

"Why do I still feel like I’m on the outside of awesome looking in." -Barney

Lies My Mother Told Me

Our second episode starts with Barney relaying another wild escapade but he stops, saying he can’t help the others use his life as an escape. They ask why and he says he can’t tell. Robin starts with “Deadliest Catch” when Barney interrupts to say that his mother is moving out of his childhood home. Ted says he understands, which confuses Marshall as Ted’s mom still lives in his childhood home. But since Ted’s mother is now married to a hippie, home doesn’t have the same feel. Barney implores his friends to come to Staten Island (Barney grew up on my home borough? Awesome!) and help him move his mother. They say no and Barney can’t believe they won’t be swayed. He got the Queen of England to fist bump him. They don’t believe that and they…

End up helping move his mother. Damn, he’s good.

CREDITS!

As Ted tries to box some of the items, Barney’s brother James comes to help. Hello, Wayne Brady! He shows Loretta and Barney pictures of his son in the Dolce and Gabana suit Barney sent his nephew. Meanwhile, Robin tells Ted she talked him up to Liz, her make-up assistant at the station. She told her that Ted was funny, good-looking and really good in bed. Really, really, really good in bed. Ted wonders if Robin may have oversold him a bit to Liz and worries about meeting her expectations.

As they pack up Barney’s old room. Lily finds his old jersey and Barney says he loved pee-wee basketball until they kicked him off the team for being too awesome. No one believes him and James backs him up…until Barney leaves the room. He admits his brother was horrible. Barney comes running back in with a letter from the Postmaster General, apologizing for losing the invitations to his 8th birthday party—which was why no one showed up and not because he threw up on a class trip. Barney leaves and Lily wonders if Barney believed everything his mother ever told him. James says yes, including the lie she told about Barney’s dad being “The Price is Right” host Bob Barker. Lily says all parents do that—like how Marshall’s mom used to say he was “sick” whenever he got too hyper and doped him up on cough syrup. And then there’s Santa Claus. Marshall says that one is to give people hope, like how they all tell Ted that he’ll meet the right girl one day and settle down. “You really think so?” Ted asks and Marshall assures him that he will.

Marshall and Lily then argue about whether or not they’ll tell their future progeny about Santa—Marshall for it and Lily against it—as James and Barney go through some old mail their mother kept. There were old Valentine’s from every girl in Barney’s class—all of whom have the same handwriting as Loretta, the Postmaster General and baseball legend “Frank” Aaron. Barney doesn’t catch on and believes that all the times the girls told him they hated him and locked him in closets, they really liked him secretly. Finally, James and Barney find a letter addressed to a Sam Gibbs. They open it to find a picture of themselves as children. On the back it reads “Your Sons.”

Dun dun dun!

Commercials.

When we come back, Loretta enters with Sloppy Joes and James asks if she knows the name of “Sam Gibbs.” She yelps then denies knowing the name, trying to sell the Sloppy Joes. But James persists and Loretta says that it isn’t “Your Sons” but “Yourson” in North Dakota, where they rode kayaks on the rapids and saved a dog. James asks why the picture looks like it was taken in their backyard rather than North Dakota. The mayor, Sam Gibbs, wanted their picture so they could build a statue to them, Loretta explains. She must’ve forgotten to send it. She continues to shill the Sloppy Joes before running into the kitchen, upset. Barney says he feels bad for that sculptor and James finally yells at him to stop believing Loretta’s lies. That Bob Barker isn’t his father, but Sam Gibbs could be.

To prove it, they grab the moving van and go out to visit Sam Gibbs in Long Island. Marshall and Lily ride up front while Robin and Ted ride in the back. I wonder how long it'll take Loretta to notice they’re gone. I mean, Staten Island to Long Island is not a quick trip. Depending where Barney grew up, they’d still have to get to the Verrazzano Bridge, take the Gowanus to the BQE and then that to the LIE. And there’s always traffic or construction on the Gowanus and the BQE, so we’re talking well over an hour here. Anyway, Robin says she’s now downplayed Ted to Liz…really, really downplayed him. He tries to tell her what to say. She sends a bunch of extremes and a bump sends them to everyone. Up front, the four laugh.

They arrive at Sam Gibbs’ Long Island house and Barney falters. He says he knows Bob Barker isn’t his dad but he needed the celebrity dad belief when he was growing up due to self-esteem issues. James rings the doorbell and veteran actor Ben Vereen answers the door. James introduces himself and asks if Sam knew Loretta Stinson in the ‘70s. Sam smiles and says he knew her. James hands him the picture they found and Ben smiles, glad to meet his son. Lily says this must be hard for Barney, but Marshall’s proud of him. Barney then calls Ben “papa” and the gang realize they’ve got trouble.

Commercials!

Barney poses with Ben and James, saying this is why he was so awesome at basketball. Barney runs to get his camera. Ben says he knew Loretta for a few months but knew James existed, finding out when the boy was two. But Loretta said she would do it by herself and he accepted it. Ted puts two and two together to realize that Ben was not Barney’s father. Lily says they’ll tell Barney gently but Marshall says to let him have this one day. They agree and let Barney have his moment as Ted takes a picture.

James and Ben learn they have some things in common and we get to hear Ben sing! Barney adds background vocals but Lily stops him. As Barney runs around the yard, James shows Ben pictures of Eli, his son. Meanwhile, Robin says Liz still wants to meet Ted, which surprises him. He realizes that Robin oversold Liz to him. She really looks like Robert DeNiro, she says. Ted’s surprised.

Back on Staten Island, Loretta tells Barney that Ben’s not his father. But she does offer him the name of his real dad. But Barney gets a clear view of his childhood—his mother’s lies about his basketball skills, cheering him up about his lack of party guests, mom dressed as Santa while Barney and James watch in awe. He rips up the paper and tells Loretta he had a father—her. She hugs him and Future!Ted tells his children that while Barney didn’t have a father growing up, he had an awesome mother and a happy childhood.

Tag: James and Ben singing while Barney slides in using a voice modulator. They leave and Barney asks if they can go camping.

While not a laugh-out-loud funfest, this episode shows that How I Met Your Mother can still combine comedy and heartfelt stories into something interesting. Of course, I still want to know who Barney’s real father is!

Quote of the Episode:

“It’s like my GI Joes are frozen in some weird Vietnam flashback.”-Ted, about what Mom and Stepdad did to his bedroom.