Elsewhere, I write “The Moron’s Guide to Doctor Who” where I take an episode, rename it and then sum it up in a sentence or two—usually hilariously. I’m going to start each recap with my Moron Guide. Enjoy!
Doctor Who has landed the TARDIS again!
The Impossible Planet or “Mind Games, I Tell You, MIND GAMES!”
Amy, Rory and River met up in America to join the Doctor on a quest to America in 1969. That’s for those who stopped paying attention after the first ten minutes blew their minds.
We open in The Three Musketeers as some guy in a wig demands to see the Doctor. He bursts into a room featuring a painting of the Doctor and a lady with a large skirt. The man demands to see the Doctor. “Doctor Who?” the lady responds and my smile got wider. The Doctor is hiding under her skirt—completely naked, I might add. In the present time, Amy reads a book that reveals the Doctor was sent to the Tower of London for that stunt, but disappeared. He next appears in one of the World Wars, leading escapees from a prisoner camp. Rory wonders if the Doctor is trying to send them a message from the past and Amy agrees he is. The Doctor is even in one of the old movies Rory is watch—and he got his fez back. How awesome. Amy gets a letter with a date, a time and a location. Rory questions if it is from the Doctor and Amy says it is—the envelope is “TARDIS blue.” Meanwhile, River gets one as well and breaks out of her prison. That is some sucky prison if River can keep getting out.
Amy and Rory arrive in the American desert via yellow school bus to find the Doctor wearing a Stetson. “Stetsons are cool,” he declares…and then River shoots it off him. The gang goes to a diner where River and the Doctor sync up their diaries to make sure they know where in each other’s respective histories they are. Apparently, they had some adventure on Easter Island and with Jim the Fish. Okay. The Doctor says he’s been running for a long time (try 1963) and that it’s time he stopped. He’s going to need their support. Amy, Rory and River are eager to give it. Amy asks where they are going. The Doctor’s response: Space.
(If you are a fan of “Even Stevens” please sing it with me now: “We went to the moon, in 1969, not 1968 but the year after…”)
The four has a picnic in the desert, complete with wine. Amy questions when the Doctor started drinking, which means she clearly hasn’t seen what SIX used to wear. Oy. The Doctor responds that he is 1103 years old…which means he’s picked up two centuries somewhere since “Voyage of the Damned” (Christmas 2007). He actually doesn’t like the wine and Amy teases him. He mentions that she’s gained weight. Remember this! Amy notices a figure but when it disappears, she denies seeing it. The Doctor notes the moon and Rory wonders if they are going to the moon landing. They aren’t. A man pulls up in a car as an astronaut appears in the lake. The Doctor warns them not to interfere as he goes to talk to the astronaut.
And ohmigod, they shot the Doctor. I thought Matt Smith had a contract till 2013? What’s with the regeneration? There’s another shot before the regeneration stops. Wait, they’ve killed the Doctor? The hell? River tries to shoot the astronaut before explaining why he couldn’t regenerate. The old man tells us that the Doctor is dead and gives them gasoline. River explains that aliens would want a Time Lord’s body as Amy cries on his dead body. She wonders if there is a clone somewhere. There is, Amy, but he’s romancing Billie Piper in a parallel universe. Rory decides to give the Doctor a proper Viking funeral. They burn his body in a boat out on the lake.
WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?
River asks for the old man’s name. He produces a blue envelope. He is Canton Everett Delaware III. He says he won’t see them again, but they will see him again. River mentions the numbers on the envelopes and then there is an awkward cut to commercial.
For those that don’t know, there are no commercial breaks in England. Commercials are aired in between shows. So, the British TV schedule is the craziest one I’ve seen. Our shows start on the hour or the half hour. So our shows are edited to fit a typical commercial pattern. The British shows have to be edited for us and frankly, you can tell.
Amy, Rory and River return to the diner. River wonders who has envelope #1. Amy doesn’t think it means much as Rory spots an envelope. She wonders who the Doctor trusts the most in the universe? Rose? Sarah Jane? K-9? The Brig? Himself. Wait, what? He’s entirely confused as River and Rory start to piece things together. River asks for the Doctor’s age—it’s 909 years old, now only six years older than in “Voyage of the Damned.” River asks if they’ve met Jim the Fish. The Doctor is intrigued as River slaps him. He asks if that’s for something in the future and she says it is. She and Rory tell the Doctor they’ve been recruited for a big mission—something involving space and 1969.
(You still singing that song? Good)
The Doctor asks who recruited them and River gives the same response about the person he trusts most in the universe. The Doctor is confused (Jo? Sarah Jane? Martha? Jack? Wait, who would really trust Jack?) and River’s response: Spoilers.
In the TARDIS, River and Rory try to calm Amy down but she’s still reeling after seeing the Doctor die. River says the Doctor’s death doesn’t scare her nor her own. She foreshadows a far worse fate.
So I guess River doesn’t kill the Doctor like we all thought.
I thought we were going to get the speech about time from “Blink,” but the Doctor opts not to. The Doctor brings them to Washington, DC in 1969 and says that he is late for a biplane lesson in 1911. He says he isn’t going to answer a mysterious summons and tries to get them to spill their secret. He asks River who she is and who she killed. Doctor says he can’t trust her so Amy says to trust her. The Doctor makes her swear that she isn’t lying on something that matters. She swears on fish fingers and custard. And for those joining the party late, those were the only two foods ELEVEN liked after regenerating from TEN.
In 1969, Canton Delaware is picked up in a bar for a mission by Richard Milhous Nixon, pre-Watergate. President Nixon reveals to Canton that he gets a call every night. “Man or woman?” Canton asks. “Neither,” Nixon responds and plays a tape.
Meanwhile, the Doctor turns the TARDIS invisible. He goes to exit, with everyone following. He says they are in the most powerful city in the most powerful country and to do things small. (No offense, the most powerful city in America is mine—New York City). So he goes out as Nixon plays a tape, from a young girl who is scared. She lists off three founding fathers—Jefferson (first Secretary of State, 3rd President), Adams (first Vice President, 2nd President), and Hamilton (first Secretary of the Treasury, never president but shot by a Vice President). Canton asks why Nixon isn’t letting the Bureau investigate but good ole paranoid Nixon thinks they may be behind it. And then they spot the Doctor. The Secret Service wrestles the Time Lord to the ground as River gets the scanner working. The Doctor knows this and orders her to turn off the cloaking device.
Upon seeing the TARDIS, Nixon asks what the hell it is. I’m surprised the President doesn’t know what the TARDIS is.
The Doctor sits at the desk with guns pointed at him. River, Rory and Amy rush out and the Secret Service doesn’t know who to shoot first. The Doctor lies that he’s from Scotland Yard and the others are his operatives—The Legs, the Nose and Mrs. Robinson. “I hate you,” River says. The Secret Service agent says the Doctor’s a clear and present danger (Are we arguing a freedom of speech matter?) He says the young girl gave them all the clues they need. The Doctor asks for maps and a fez.
The Doctor predicts that the girl is calling from Florida because NASA is in Florida and that’s where the Space Men are. Oh, writers. Cape Canaveral is in Florida, yes. However, NASA is headquartered in TEXAS, not FLORIDA.
Anyway, Amy spots an escapee from Area 51 that looks like…hey, is that an Ood? That would be cool. Amy remembers what she saw at the desert before Rory blocks her path and she forgets again. She feels nauseous and demands to go to the bathroom. A secret service agent takes her and she runs into the Escapee again. Oh, it’s not an Ood. It’s a giant nostril with eyes, legs and a arms. And a snazzy black suit. Amy talks to it. It doesn’t respond, there are just clicks around it. A woman leaves a stall and asks the alien if it’s a Star Trek mask. The woman has a strange case of déjà vu as she repeats her questioning. The Escapee then snaps the woman—who looked familiar—as Amy snaps a picture. The Escapee reveals the woman’s name was Joy and that hers is Amelia. He tells Amy she must tell him “what he must know and what he must never know.”
The Amy leaves and the agent is surprised to see her phone. She says she has to tell the Doctor something, but can’t remember what.
Wait…Is the Escapee the Silence? Ooh…
The Doctor finds a place as the phone rings. Nixon answers it and starts recording. The girl announces that the Space Man is there and he will eat her. The Doctor and Canton jump in the TARDIS as Canton gets used to it. The Doctor noted what I already did—that they were the names of Founding Fathers. They are the street names the child could see from the window. Canton is still surprised by the TARDIS—space and time travel—as everyone enters a warehouse. Amy wants to know why aliens were stealing NASA equipment and the Doctor argues that it’s cooler. River and Amy wonder if they could neutralize the astronaut and the Doctor won’t die. But it’ll create a time paradox. “Time can be rewritten,” Amy argues and she would know—Christmas 2010, anyone?
River continues to flirt with the Doctor as she spots tunnels. She climbs down and begins investigating. Let’s imagine this scene with the Scooby-Doo music—no offense to Murray Gold—and…holy crap! River finds a whole bunch of Area 51 Escapees!
Canton asks if he’s still having a drink at the bar. Amy responds he isn’t. River hurries up but then forgets what is down there. She heads back down there and the Doctor sends Rory down there. River feels sick but blames the prison food. River figures out that the tunnels are really old and wonders how no one noticed them. River wonders why everything is always locked and Rory asks if something bad is behind it. She says it is most likely and tries to pick the lock.
Rory asks about River’s early comment about a worse day coming. River says she was a young impressionable girl when she met the Doctor and he knew everything about her. She says every time they meet now, she knows more about him and he knows less about her. She says the day is coming when she’ll meet the Doctor and he won’t know who she is. She thinks that will kill her. I’ve actually paused the TV here (thank you, DVR!) so I can type this: For those of you joining the party late, immediately leave this recap, get to YouTube or Hulu or whatever and look up the Season 4 episodes “Silence in the Library” and “Forests of the Dead.” That is what River is (right now unknowingly) talking about. GO!
Rory and River get inside and find…a TARDIS console? Rory finds the Escapees but forgets them. Wait…it’s the console from “The Lodger” from last season. Oh my goodness, Moffatt, I love you. Rory is attacked while Canton and Amy talk. “Doctor…Who exactly?” Canton asks. How many times can they get that in there in just this episode? Amy says the Doctor is a friend and she hasn’t seen him in a while. As she tries to remember what she wanted to tell him, they hear the young girl. They run toward her, Amy holding her midsection. Canton is knocked out as Amy says she has to tell the Doctor something.
Amy’s pregnant! Mazel tov!
And the astronaut arrives. The astronaut opens the helmet to reveal the little girl inside the suit. Amy shoots, trying to save the Doctor.
And thus we end. We a memory card to Elisabeth Sladen (Sarah Jane Smith) who died earlier this week. It has a clip of her, behind the scenes of the Sarah Jane Adventures, I guess, waving.
Good-bye, Sarah Jane Smith. The Whoniverse will miss you.
Good-bye, Lis. The world will miss you.
And there we have our season premiere! If the rest of the season is as fantastic (to quote NINE) as that episode, we are in for a real doozy of a season here, folks. I did not care for Amy’s narration before the opening title sequence. What purpose did it serve? No other companion had ever done so and I don’t like the focus being taking off the Doctor. Nope, I vote to lose it. Otherwise, a very good first episode—clearly this series’ arch is going to be preventing the Doctor’s death. I loved how they pulled another regeneration fake-out on us. I thought once they did that in The Stolen Earth/Journey’s End, that would be it. We would never fall for it again. But here it is. For those who were hoping Matt Smith would somehow regenerate back into David Tennant, give it up.
Though I do advise you to find the BBC’s trailer for this season. Pause it at 37 seconds. You’re welcome.
And it’ll be interesting to see how they handle a pregnant companion.
I wonder what Moffatt’s fascination with 1969 is. Yes, I know we went to the moon in 1969, but man was in space before that. Moffatt also sent the Doctor to 1969 in “Blink.” Now, the Doctor is in America or else he might have run into TEN and Martha. Which might have been interesting.
Next week is going to be legendary! To quote Barney Stinson.
Quote of the Episode:
“I’m being extremely clever up here and there’s no one up here to look impressed!”—the Doctor. A callback to something the Brig once said about the Doctor's assistants.
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