OUAT: If She Doesn’t Scare You, No Evil Thing Will

Last time on “OUAT:” We spent most of the time with Robin Hood and his family as they settled into New York City. Robin misses Regina and Marian misses her husband. Then Gold shows up and collapses with heart problems. He tasks Robin with stealing something Zelena sent with Walsh and he does. But in the process, Gold (and the audience) learn Marian is really Zelena. She’s been masquerading as Marian for the entire season in order to ruin Regina’s life. She makes a deal with Gold to save his life and then as “Marian” forces Robin to make a choice. He chooses “Marian” and Outlaw Queen fans everywhere reached for their alcoholic beverage of choice.

In the past, Robin tries to go straight for Marian but the Sheriff of Nottingham makes it difficult. Rumplestiltskin offers to help if Robin will steal something from Oz for him. He agrees and Robin meets Will upon arriving in Oz. Will asks for some of the potion Rumple wants for himself. Robin agrees but is caught by Zelena. He does give Will the only vial of the potion he got, returning home empty-handed. Robin decides to return to thieving, but adopts his “steal from the rich, give to the poor” mantra. Marian agrees to stay by his side through it all.

Also, Gold lets Regina call Robin…but she gets her sister instead. He tells her to help him turn Emma dark or Zelena will hurt Robin. Regina chooses Emma over Robin.


We start in Victorian England. A young girl with blonde hair runs down a road, pursued by Dalmatians. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this is Cruella. She is cornered by the dogs as a woman pulls up in a car. It’s Cruella’s mother and she’s come to take her home. Once they get there, she locks Cruella up, saying she’ll stay there until she learns to do what she is told.

(Look at Little Cruella!)

Will this be a Cinderella redux?

Ooh, puppies in the title card!

Cruella drives along a deserted Storybrooke road, enjoying herself until she has to slam on the brakes. Maleficent is standing in front of her car, glaring at a Cruella with a look that could reduce a grown man into tears. Cruella gets out and demands to know what Maleficent is doing. Maleficent wants to know why Cruella told her that Lily, her daughter, died upon reaching this world when really she was adopted and alive. Cruella tells the truth: she’s a really horrible person who left the baby to die in the woods. She and Ursula used Lily’s egg to prevent themselves from aging in the Land Without Magic.

(Not the woman you want to piss off)

Maleficent turns herself into a dragon, ready to incinerate Cruella. But it leaves her open to Cruella’s magic, which she uses on her “friend.” She orders dragon!Maleficent to take a nap and continues on as her fellow Queen of Darkness snoozes on the side of the road.

Emma asks her parents to recall more about the Author, anything they can use to help track him down. Mary Margaret and David swear they’ve told her everything. She’s not very inclined to believe them. I also think she needs some sleep. They’ve done JMo’s make up like she’s been up for hours. Days, even.

Regina slips into the apartment and reveals that she’s had a night of her own. She tells the Charmings (plus Hook) that she called Robin’s number. Except Marian picked up. Except not because she’s not really Marian. She pauses for dramatic effect before revealing that Marian is really Zelena. David confirms that she’s talking about her crazy sister, the Wicked Witch of the West. Regina looks at him like he’s nuts. She says that Zelena’s been masquerading as Marian the entire time. Emma looks guiltier as it’s mostly her fault.

("Oh. Crap.")

But wait! There’s more! She says that Gold has a deal with Zelena—if Regina doesn’t behave, he’ll order her sister to kill Robin. So she’s going on a road trip to New York to save him. Emma wonders how she’s going to keep Gold from warning Zelena. Regina has that covered.

In the shop, Belle puts some books away before standing to find Regina there. She says she didn’t hear Regina come in and Regina gives her a look that says “Did you forget I have magic?” Regina explains that Gold is giving her some problems and Belle offers to help.

Gold hangs out at the well in the middle of the woods when Belle approaches him. She demands to know what’s going and thinks she deserves the truth. So Gold pulls out his heart, revealing it’s just a piece of coal with one red spot. He explains that it’s the price of using the dark magic and that soon, he won’t have a heart left. Gold won’t die (because this is Once Upon a Time. If you’re not named Daniel or Neal, you have a pretty good chance of living) but he’ll become completely evil. That’s why he needs the Author.

(Well, that's disgusting)

Belle seems to understand. She and Gold even share a kiss before she then taunts him, saying Will is a better kisser. She insults him a bit more as Gold looks confused. He says that isn’t like her and Regina emerges, holding Belle’s heart. She uses it to order Belle home. Belle leaves the woods.

Gold is not happy to see Regina holding his wife’s heart. She tells him that it’s insurance. Regina explains that she’s going to New York and she’s going to save Robin from Zelena. And Gold is not going to breathe a word of it to her deranged sister. Because if he does, she’ll crush Belle’s heart. Gold tells her that she doesn’t have it in him and she asks him if he’s sure about that. Gold hesitates and then agrees.

(Regina has a powerful "Try me" look)

I believe Belle willing let Regina take out her heart. I also believe that Gold’s first instinct was right—she wasn’t going to crush Belle’s heart. She most likely gave the heart right back once she was done. At least that’s my head canon.

Meanwhile, Cruella has a conversation with the Author in the cabin. She wants what he took from her back and the Author wonders if Gold knows they know each other. Cruella then storms out of the cabin.

(He's scared of Cruella)

In Victorian England…It’s now the 1920s! The Jazz Age! The Gilded Era! Time for jazz, flappers and gin. Cruella has grown into a young woman and all she wants to do is leave her tower. So has Cinderella Redux morphed into Rapunzel redux? Anyway, she has a radio that she listens to. A new song starts up and she sways to it—it’s “Cruella de Vil” from the movie.

(She's adorable)

A hand turns the radio off. Cruella’s mother is there and she’s not thrilled that her daughter got a radio. Cruella pleads with her to let her leave, to go out and have a life. Her mother refuses and is disturbed by knocking at the front door. The Author is there and he introduces himself as Isaac. He claims to work for the newspaper and that he drives around collecting interesting stories. Cruella’s mother has an interesting story, he says, as a well-known dog trainer. He wants to know more about it.

So she lets him in. He studies the three paintings in her parlor and she admits they are her late husbands. Isaac is intrigued that she would have all three of her husbands die on her. She is not thrilled about his lining of questions and throws him out, telling him to get a life of his own rather than nosing into other people’s lives. As he stands outside, Cruella calls down to him and says she’s a girl with a great story. All he has to do is bust her out and she’ll tell him. He agrees.

("I feel like a fairy tale prince I'm usually writing about!") 

Henry gets off the bus and finds Pongo sitting there waiting for him. Hey, it’s about time the Dalmatian showed up! As Henry approaches, Pongo runs off. Oh, no, is Timmy Archie trapped in a well? It would explain why we haven’t seen him at all during this arc. Henry chases after the dog, ending up in what seems to be Storybrooke’s only deserted alleyway. Pongo starts barking at him, confusing Henry until Cruella grabs him. This already is proving to be a stupid plan.

(Hey, Pongo. Long time no see)

Emma finds Regina packing her car and asks if she’s really going to New York. Regina says she is because she has to save Robin. Emma warns her that things are very different outside Storybrooke and that Regina will be without her magic there. But Regina is willing to take her chances to save her soul mate. Realizing that this is going to happen, Emma gives Regina her gun. While she’s no doubt touched, Regina wonders what she’s going to do with a weapon she’s never used before.

Regina’s road trip is put on hold when the two both get video messages from Henry. He tells them that Cruella has him. She says that if they want to see Henry again, they’ll kill the Author for her. Goodbye, Cruella. It’s been nice knowing you—you’ve just activated Mama Bear mode in the two women you never want to do that to.

(Ransom notes are getting hi-tech)

Gold returns to the cabin and finds the Author. He asks about Cruella and realizes the two know each other. The Author admits that he took something from Cruella that she wants back. He reveals it to Gold, who says he can use it. He races off, no doubt to create mayhem.

(He's got the golden ticket!)

Back in the Jazz Age, the Author breaks Cruella out of her mother’s home. She’s dressed in a black flapper dress and one has to wonder how she managed to procure that if she’s been locked up since she was a child. Anyway, Isaac asks her about her story but she first wants to go somewhere and party. So he takes her to a very familiar black and white car, promising to take her to a party.

They find a whoopee spot where the gin is cold and the piano hot. People dance around them and you half expect to find Jay Gatsby in the background, pining after Daisy Buchanan. Cruella tries gin and Isaac tells her she’ll get used to it. She then asks him for a dance and he decides to follow her mother’s words to live his life.

(They're my BrOTP. I still ship Cruella with Ursula)

Emma and Regina tell the others about Henry. Mary Margaret says she can’t kill the Author and Emma says she knows that. Instead, she’s sending Mary Margaret and David to find him and find out why Cruella wants him dead. She’s going to go with Regina and Hook to find Henry. Her parents wonder why they can’t come and Emma tells them that she needs people she can trust. Right now, that’s not them. The Charmings look heartbroken.

(Cue the sad music)

Out in the woods, Regina tries to convince Emma to forgive her parents. She says they made a mistake and that they’re making up for it. Emma says it’s too little too late and that the sermon is rich coming from a woman who sought revenge for decades because a ten year old couldn’t keep a secret. Regina can’t tell if she’s supposed to be impressed or insulted.

They hear Henry calling for help. But they can’t settle on which direction it’s coming from. So they split up. Regina heads in one direction while Hook goes in another. Emma keeps heading straight. Regina and Hook only find two of Ursula’s shells. Looks like they fell into Gold’s trap.

Because Henry’s not in much danger. Cruella’s a bit distracted by Angry Birds and so he takes off. She discovers this and sends Pongo after him. Pongo chases him to the edge of a cliff and Henry appears cornered. Cruella appears, brandishing a gun and warning him not to make her use it.

Back at the Gatsby, Cruella finally tells Isaac her story. She says that her mother keeps her locked up because she know the truth. Her father didn’t die from a sudden illness. He was poisoned…by her mother! She also killed her other two husbands. Isaac is astonished and feels bad for Cruella.

He then tells her his secret—he doesn’t work for the newspaper. But it is his job to collect stories. He’s done it across several worlds. Cruella’s is just one of many he’s been too. She’s a bit confused and he asks her the year. Cruella says they don’t keep track of such things and Isaac says that’s part of her world. Is this like Rudolph’s Shiny New Year, where each year gets their own island?

Isaac continues and tells her that he’s magic. Well, rather, his pen and ink are. He proves it by writing her nice pieces of jewelry. She asks if he can do more. Isaac says he can and then gives her the power to control animals. Her mother’s dogs will never terrorize her again. He asks her to runaway with him and Cruella agrees. But first she wants to go home and give her mother what-for.

(He may be a douche, but he's a douche with nice penmanship)

But Cruella’s mother visits him instead. She tells Isaac that Cruella is lying, that she didn’t kill her husbands. No, Cruella killed them all. She explains how she found Cruella with her father when he died and realized she poisoned him with her favorite plant—which happens to be deadly. At first, I thought Cruella’s mother was just lying to save her skin…And then I realized, no, Cruella’s just a sociopath.

(The moment Cruella's mom became sympathetic)

Isaac realizes the truth too when he discovers she took his pen and his ink.

I’m just gonna finish Cruella’s backstory. Please to enjoy.

Cruella’s mother goes home to find her daughter waiting for her. She sics her dogs on Cruella, but she uses her magic to control them. Cruella then turns the dogs on her mother and they tear her to pieces off screen. She enjoys every minute of it.

(Yep. She's a sociopath)

Isaac returns to the house and finds that Cruella has killed her mother’s dogs, skinned them and turned their fur into a coat. He demands that she return his pen and ink but she refuses. There’s a struggle and the ink spills over Cruella. When she pops up, she’s no longer blonde. Instead, we see the familiar half-black, half-white hairstyle. Isaac grabs his pen and writes something, taking something from Cruella that infuriates her. He flees.

(There's the Cruella we know and love to hate!)

Mary Margaret and David find the Author in Gold’s cabin and demand he tell them everything he knows. David even pins him against a wall. Isaac gives in and tells them that he took something from Cruella—he took her ability to kill anything. Henry is safe and Emma is about to play into Gold’s plan to turn her dark. The Charmings rush off…and leave the Author behind! Why didn’t they take him with them? They’ve been looking for him and they want to keep him from Gold but then they…

Ugh.

(Guys, grab the Author! Guys?)

Emma finds Cruella and Henry at the cliff’s edge, Cruella pointing a gun at Henry. She tries to talk the villain down but it proves futile. Emma blasts Cruella with her magic, sending her to her death at the bottom of the cliff. Emma hugs Cruella as the Charmings race up, discovering what Emma has done.

(At least Henry is safe)

Our last shot is Emma looking evil.

Or like she needs a pull of NyQuil and a week’s worth of uninterrupted sleep.

Well, that was a change of pace. The villain was evil through and through. There was a moment where it appeared Cruella would fit the usual Once villain mode but the writers flipped it on us. Way to go!

Next episode: Time to find Lily! Which means…Road Trip!

Screen caps from here.