Doctor Who: Uploaded

The Bells of St. John’s or “WiFi is EVUL! EVUL WE TELL YOU!”
Richard E. Grant uses Dolores Umbrage to “download” people but she makes a mistake when she downloads a third incarnation of Jenna Louise Coleman. So the Doctor gives Umbrage a taste of her own medicine.

We open as people all over the world connect using WiFi while some guy broadcasts a video warning. He says they might see something strange and he tells them not to click it. Because then they get a hold of the laptop and then they stalk the person. And the person then dies. Their souls get uploaded to the internet and people are screaming out for help. TVs full of people saying they don’t know where they are.


CREDITS! New ones at that as well. I think they revisited the old “put the Doctor’s head in the credits” bit.
Cumbria 1207. Someone knocks on a door and tells the person inside the bells of St. John are ringing. Men come out and visit someone who one man says is not a monk. It’s the Doctor! And he needs a horse. There’s a painting of Clara Oswin Oswald in the room and one man asks if that’s her. The other man says it is the woman twice dead and that the Doctor came to discern his meaning. He does wonder if the Doctor is mad.

Yes, he is. But it’s brilliant.

We see Jenna Louise Coleman and she asks Angie if they have internet. Angie doesn’t answer before a man and Artie leave. She tries to make a call but can’t. On her laptop, we notice the mysterious symbols.

Back in Cumbria there is a ringing, like a phone. It’s the TARDIS. With a “St. John’s Ambulance” patch on it. The Doctor is surprised the phone is ringing as he picks up. Clara is on the other end, asking why she can’t get any internet service. The Doctor is confused and wonders how she got his number. Clara responds she got it from some girl in a shop (Rose? River?) and was told it was a great helpline. The Doctor is like “Really?” and one of the monks wonders if he is communicating with demons. The Doctor clarifies it is a woman and the monk blesses himself. Rolling his eyes, the Doctor asks if Clara turned on the WiFi. She’s computer illiterate so apparently didn’t try that.

Clara is interrupted by Angie, who asks to go to a friend’s house. Clara agrees as long as Angie tells her the password to the WiFi. She does and Clara uses something to remember it: “Run you clever boy and remember.” The Doctor hears this and flashes back to both Oswin and Clara. He realizes Clara is back as she still has trouble logging in. So she clicks the link with the odd symbols.

A red line lights up on a map of London somewhere before we return to some dismal looking office space. One man is at the computer and notes they are connected to Clara. His boss, a woman, says it is good though it is noted she has poor computer skills. So the woman orders him to send Clara a computer skills patch before talking to another man, ordering him to kill Alexei (the subordinate). But after his holiday. How considerate. The other man notes that they are uploading too many people and arousing suspicions. The woman—the same actress who played Umbridge in the Harry Potter movies—tells him it is what their client wants. She manipulates his feelings using her tablet and gets him to back off.

The Doctor shows up, banging on Clara’s door. She opens it and he’s like “Remember me?” Clara’s like “Umm, no. Go away.” But the Doctor is persistent to the point Clara thinks he’s a stalker. We get the “I’m the Doctor!” “Doctor Who?” conversation. And Matt Smith enjoys it. Clara throws him out and is surprised to find a young girl on the stairs. She asks the girl questions and the girl parrots them back. It’s the Giant Snow Globe all over again! I mean, it’s the Great Intelligence! Clara realizes the girl is a character from her favorite book, written by Amelia Williams. AMY WROTE A BOOK , Y’ALL! Good for her. The girl’s head turns to reveal the back is empty.

The Doctor runs into the TARDIS to change. He finds his famous fez and throws on his usual outfit. And he pulls out a box containing his bowtie. He races back, asking Clara to let him in. But she’s confused, saying she doesn’t know where she is. So the Doctor busts the door down to find Clara unconscious on the floor. And the robot standing over her with Clara repeating “I don’t know where I am.” The Doctor uses his sonic screwdriver to retrieve Clara, confusing Alexei over at his computer terminal. The Doctor manages to retrieve Clara and sends a message to Umbridge: “Under my protection. The Doctor.” Umbrage calls the client to tell him the Doctor is on to them.

Meanwhile, the Doctor puts Clara to bed and sets up some snacks for her. He checks out the room, finding a book she’s had since childhood. She even keeps crossing out her age with every birthday, though she skips one year—I think it was “22.” Could mean something or it could mean nothing. After all, I actually forgot I was 22. Went around saying I was 21 for 2 years. Oops.

Clara wakes up and spots the Doctor out in the yard. He took all her messages—Angie is staying at her friend’s and her employer hates the government (Davies? Is that you?). He also did some yard work and inadvertently invented the quadrocycle. Clara goes down to have some tea while they try to figure out what is happening. Along the way, she makes a joke about Twitter and the two realize she now knows more about computers than she did before. I don’t know if Twitter was the way to go—it’s a cultural phenomenon. And the joke Clara made was not one you would have to know much about computers to make.

Anyway, Umbridge is working to get Clara back. She starts messing with lights in Clara’s neighborhood, alarming the Doctor and her Stooge. Stooge warns her they can’t do this again because they can’t blame it on a riot like last time. Umbridge is like “Shut up, this is fun” as she sends walking robots to try and “collect” Clara. She even tries to crash an airplane. The Doctor gets Clara into the TARDIS and she reacts in the usual manner: It’s bigger on the inside. He lands the TARDIS on the plane where everyone is out cold. After fixing it, the pilots right the aircraft and Umbridge is thwarted yet again.

Dumbledore’s Army Forever!

The Doctor offers Clara breakfast but she notes it isn’t time for it yet. He explains they are in a time machine and can just go ahead to morning. So they do! People applaud as they exit the TARDIS. And toss money into the Doctor’s fez. He runs back inside while Clara marvels at time travel. The Doctor pulls out the quadrocycle and Clara hops on. As they ride about London, Umbridge stalks them using cameras.

Clara and the Doctor try to figure out where their enemy is and Clara argues she can find it. He says if he can’t find them, she certainly won’t but she grabs the computer and sends him for coffee. They have some banter and flirtations—and never does the Doctor point out he’s married. River, I’d watch out if I were you.

The Doctor goes to fetch the coffee while Clara bangs keys crazily.  She manages to hack the computers of Umbridge’s Inquisitorial Squad and take their pictures. Using facial recognition, she pulls up their names and searches the internet for them. The Stooge asks the employees if they have social networking accounts and if anyone of them noted where they worked. They all raise their hands and we see Clara learn they work at The Shard. The camera focuses on a building in the distance which actually looks like it’s still being built. Clara is like “Victory is mine!” Oh wait, that’s Stewie Griffin.

Inside, Umbridge hijacks the people around the Doctor to talk to him. She taunts him and tells him she will get Clara. The Doctor argues that he will defeat her, blah blah. It’s a game of cat and mouse. And a distraction. Because Umbridge sends a copy of the Doctor over to upload Clara. Which only serves to piss off the Doctor. And as we all know—you never piss off the Doctor.

So he uploads Umbridge. And she wants out. But to download Umbridge would mean they would have to download everyone. The Doctor manipulates Stooge on Umbridge’s tablet and gets him to do just that. So everyone gets downloaded, including Clara. Which raises a morbid question: If all the people “uploaded” were considered dead, were they buried? If so, did they wake up in coffins?

UNIT is called in and they shut the place down. Umbridge hides in her office, talking to her client. Who looks like Richard E. Grant. He thanks her for her service before she deletes something. Everyone collapses to the floor and they are disoriented. They don’t know where they are. So if they were given their skills by the Giant Snow Globe or Umbridge or whoever, why didn’t anyone program in TOP SECRECY? Umbridge, meanwhile, has reverted to being a child. Creepy.

We see Clara back working for Angie and Andy’s dad. It was explained she started doing it to help him after his wife died and she just never left. But she does want to travel the world. So the Doctor invites her to travel the universe instead. She refuses. But she tells the Doctor to come back the next day. Why? Because maybe her answer will be different. She leaves the TARDIS.

So, Clara’s back! No doubt her existence (and continued one at that) is connected to the Giant Snow Globe, er, Great Intelligence. We’ll just have to figure out how. And at least why she’s a super genius at computers is explained now.

Sorry for the delay. I had taped the show due to Easter Vigil activities (namely, dying Easter eggs with my sister and later my mother) and then paused the episode due to SoapNet’s General Hospital marathon in honor of the soap’s 50th anniversary. Especially as the message board I was following said the episode on was a good one known to fans as “Clink!Boom!” So I had to watch it. I promise to get the other episode up soon.