Torchwood’s Back…Kinda

So, it took me several months to finally watch Torchwood: Miracle Day. I was excited about it when it was being teased. And then…I forgot it aired. And I kept forgetting it was airing. Mostly because the internet was not blowing up about it. Considering the past three seasons of Torchwood…that’s not a good sign. And then what I did catch from the internet wasn’t positive either.


But I found it on demand and so, with some trepidation and out of curiosity over what the heck Gwen and Rhys had, I pressed play on “Miracle Day.”


The New World or "How Cute is Gwen and Rhys' Baby?"


One day, everyone stops dying while the CIA is clued to Torchwood. Babe from "All My Children" meets Captain Jack Harkness while Gwen and Rhys try to protect their adorable little girl.


(Yes, I do a Moron’s Guide for Torchwood as well)


We open at a state prison, where a convicted child rapist/murderer is about to be put to death. And said child rapist/murderer is…Wait, is that Bill Pullman? Bill Pullman, the dad in “Casper”? Bill Pullman, the man Sandra Bullock ends up falling for in “While You Were Sleeping”? You expect me to accept Bill Pullman is playing a child rapist/murderer? I’m sorry, I can’t.


Also, he’s put on some weight, hasn’t he?


Anyway, Bill Pullman is strapped to a table. He is given the chance to say something to the people gathered to witness his execution. He passes. So they just begin pumping him full of the lethal injection. And he begins writhing in pain. The only other lethal injection scene I’ve seen was on the soap “Passions,” when they were killing Theresa for killing Alaistar (Both Got Better). Eve, a doctor, explained that they first sedated Theresa before pumping her with the other chemicals that would kill her. This looks like they are pumping Bill Pullman full of battery acid.


We then cut to the CIA. Oh, hey, it’s Alexa Havins! I started watching “All My Children” during the baby swap, so Havins will always be Babe to me. And so she will be referred to for the rest of the recaps. Anyway, Babe is talking to Mekhi Phifer, who will be referred to from here on out as Agent McDouche. Because he wastes no time in establishing that he is, in fact, a douche. He talks about a fellow agent whose wife has been diagnosed with leukemia which is great because he can now get a promotion. Babe points out that said agent has only been married six months and Agent McDouche waves her off. So Babe turns to the fact that every screen in the CIA reads “Torchwood.” There is mass confusion before it disappears, as does anything about Torchwood. Agent McDouche tells her to dismiss it then…before he is impaled by a metal pole.


Agent McDouche is rushed into a hospital and the doctor tells him to hold on, they are going to do everything to save him. Babe meets them there, saying that she’s his partner. The doctor asks if his next of kin has been contacted. Babe says they tried to contact Daddy McDouche but got no answer. The doctor later comes to assure Babe that Agent McDouche will survive. She calls it a miracle, which gives the doctor pause. The doctor confides to Babe that no one’s died in the last 24 hours. She tells Babe she’s been asking around and found that other hospitals had reported no deaths either. No one has died. Babe is concerned and wonders if it has anything to do with Torchwood.


So she starts digging. Babe is told that everyone who worked for Torchwood died young. While this is true for Owen, Tosh and Ianto, did the former Torchwood team member who gave birth to Jack’s daughter die young? Anyway, Babe discovers that Torchwood was shut down after the 4-5-6 incident. Even Archie? Remember, ran Torchwood 2 from his Scottish house? So Babe learns about Jack Harkness and Gwen Cooper.


And so we go to Wales, a lovely house by the water. A helicopter buzzes over the house, alarming owners Gwen and Rhys who are working in the yard. Rhys calms his wife down, saying that it was just an innocent helicopter. She is still jumpy, but seems calmed down the next time we see her. Especially as she’s feeding the Cooper-Williams offspring, a little girl named Anwen. And she’s adorable. Gwen tells her tales from Torchwood—I’m not sure, but I think one might be the episode Ghost Device. You know, where Gwen and Owen keep running into ghosts? Anyway, Rhys tells Gwen to stop telling Anwen about Torchwood, wanting her to put it behind her for good. But then someone comes to the door. Gwen and Rhys arm themselves, but they are just two lost tourists. Who give each other strange looks as they leave.


Back Stateside, Agent McDouche learns about the fact that there have been no deaths in over 24 hours and growing. He’s intrigued and wants to know more. Meanwhile, Babe continues to look for more information about Torchwood. She even goes to some library for it. As she walks around the darkened library at night, because apparently no one can go on lunch breaks, she learns more. She is also stalked in the library as well. And who is stalking her? Mr. Sexy himself—Captain Jack Harkness. However, he knows there is someone else stalking her and tries to get her to safety. Especially as someone wants to blow them up. He does so, but Jack and Babe jump out a window and land into a fountain.


Jack and Babe talk and Babe notes he was cut. He shrugs it off and then reveals that he’s retconned Babe, like he did to Gwen. She passes out and wakes up on her bed with an ugly bruise the next day. Jack has one as well. He then turns up at the hospital, claiming to be FBI agent Owen Harper (Torchwood fans know that name). He joins Agent McDouche’s doctor and other government officials (and I notice the egregious lack of a UNIT rep) to view the man who blew himself up the night before. Who is pretty much a burnt head and chest.


Everyone is horrified as they realize the man is still conscious. Jack suggest severing the head from the spinal cord. While I am not a fan of zombie movies, I’m friends with people who love them. And one of the ways to kill a zombie is to severe the head from the spinal cord. But these aren’t zombies as the man still lives. Everyone is shocked, including Agent McDouche who has been watching on his computer thanks to the doctor’s tip about the security cameras.


Agent McDouche is actually galvanized to do something. He calls Babe and asks her more about Torchwood. He escapes the hospital and has her book her a flight to the UK and manages to secure a gun. He is forced to hang up on the plane but resumes talking with Babe as he arrives in Heathrow. Despite the fact he’s taking several drugs and is clearly injured, they let him rent a car. He drives to Wales and starts to look for Gwen Cooper.


Gwen, for her part, had to return to Cardiff. Her father was hospitalized and she wanted to go visit him. So the family heads down as Gwen is reunited with her old partner, PC Andy! He fills her in on the fact that no one’s died in the past few days. They realize this could be bad as they do the math about how many people usually die each day as well as how many are usually born. (IMDb.com’s “Goofs” section for this episode actually disproves their math). The two believe this to be a massive problem.


The only problem Rhys sees is his wife getting sucked back into a Torchwood situation. They argue about it in a deserted hallway that’s being prepped for the hospital’s overflow. Rhys tries to convince Gwen that it might be a good thing—they won’t lose her dad, Anwen will live forever. They return to their little house by the sea where Agent McDouche finds them. As does a helicopter. Gwen and Rhys try to get away, but Gwen realizes they need to fight back. She bundles up Anwen, puts little earmuffs on her and starts firing at the helicopter. She lands a few good shots before they try to flee.


And guess who rescues them? Captain Jack Harkness! And Gwen with a bazooka. Just because. Gwen and Jack play catch up in Cardiff, by their old Hub. Jack tells Gwen that he’s injured and it hasn’t healed. She’s surprised—it’s Jack! Agent McDouche doesn’t care about the conversation and then reveals he’s called the police. Poor PC Andy has to put his best friend and her family in custody. Seems Agent McDouche is using some power the CIA has to extradite Torchwood back to the United States.


Wait, what? How? I know that Torchwood is technically considered defunct though no one explains what happened to Archie. But can an American agency really take possession of another agency that doesn’t technically exist? Especially one that was “outside the government, beyond the police”?! I realize that they have to get the team to America and Russell T. Davies clearly hates government, but this was the best they could come up with? And why make most of our agents douches? If you’re pandering to an American audience, why not make more sympathetic American characters?


Because it’s clear this is meant for an American audience. The show just feels American. It doesn’t follow the usual Torchwood format. The closest it gets to feeling like a Torchwood episode is when the original characters interact—Gwen and PC Andy, then Gwen, Rhys and Jack. I wonder if that’s why fans don’t really like this season all that much. Yes, we knew things would have to be different after “Exit Wounds” and “Children of Earth.” But this is too much of a difference and we want the show we fell in love with back! I was shocked when I saw Russell T. Davies’s and Julie Gardner’s names attached to this.


I don’t know. Maybe I need to see the other episodes…