OUAT: Happy is What Happens When…

Last time on “Once”: Emma and Regina set out on a Team Mom Road Trip to find Maleficent’s daughter, who happens to be Emma’s old friend Lily, and to rescue Robin from Marilena. They find Lily, who knows all about her past and wants to seek revenge against Emma’s parents. Emma is like “I may be pissed off at my parents, but the hell are you going to hurt them.” Meanwhile, Rumple has Will steal Belle’s heart back. When Regina loses her leverage, she’s like “Call a truce and get in the car. I have to save my soul mate.”

When she gets to New York, Robin doesn’t believe her at first. Then Marilena shows her true colors, shocking him. Regina’s like “Thanks, Greenie. Robin, get Roland and get in the car.” But then Robin reveals that Zelena is pregnant. And this was me:

The penultimate episode of Season 4 opens in the Enchanted Forest. Regina’s carriage rattles along until she orders her driver to stop. She steps out and greats the party gathered in the meadow. The reverend reveals there’s a wedding going on. Aww! Except there’s one problem: the meadow is royal property. And Regina didn’t give permission to have a wedding. The bridegroom tries to plea their case but Regina just rips out his heart. Her father (Hi, Henry Sr.) steps up and says that maybe she’s overreacting because of what day it is. Regina snaps at him and then tells the bridegroom that she was going to let him live. But Daddy pissed her off so she crushes his heart. Shortest marriage ever?

Regina storms back to the carriage and tells her father to walk. She goes to Daniel’s grave, surprised to see a yellow rose on it. Then she gets a hard look in her face as realization dawns on it. “Mother,” she says. And the camera spins around to reveal CORA FREAKING MILLS, back from Wonderland.

Aww, yeah!

After the title card, we go to a bar where Regina and Robin are nursing glasses of whiskey. Robin lets his anger at Zelena out—about how she killed Marian, pretended to be her and hurt him. He wants to kill her but he can’t since she’s, ugh, carrying his child. (I can’t even type that). Regina also voices her hurt that he moved on and he said she agreed to it (in a scene that apparently happened off screen before he left Storybrooke). He then says he needs to focus on his son, how it’ll affect him to lose his mother all over again. So Regina offers to make a forgetting potion so that Roland will never remember Marilena. Robin thanks her.

(I just want to give him a hug)

Regina then apologizes, saying it’s her fault because Zelena targeted him to destroy her. Once again, she got kicked in the teeth and lost her happy ending. Robin asks if she’s talking about him and says that he’s not out of her grasp. She shoots him a look and he says that it’ll be messy. Regina interrupts to say there’s a large obstacle between them—a child. She says he’s connected to Zelena in a way they’ll never be. No doubt Robin thinks she means that they’ll never be together again. Her true meaning will be clearer later. Robin asks what do they do now.

Back at the apartment, Emma holds the dream catcher from “Tallahassee.” She’s amazed Neal still had it. Lily asks who Neal was to her and Emma says he was a lot of things. But now he’s just dead, thanks to Zelena. Zelena gives a half-hearted apology and Emma nearly pulls out her hair. But Zelena claims the baby kicked (though it’s probably so early in the pregnancy that the baby isn’t much of a baby), saying Emma wouldn’t want to startle an expecting mother. Regina and Robin storm in and Regina declares they are going back to Storybrooke that night.

In Storybrooke, Gold and the Author share a meal at Granny’s. Hook interrupts them, squishing Isaac as he sits down. He tells Gold that Emma’s on her way back and she hasn’t gone evil. Gold’s plan has failed and Hook gloats over that.

Let’s go back to Cora. Why’s Mama Mills back in the Enchanted Forest? How is she back? Cora tells Regina she caught a ride with the White Rabbit from Wonderland. She wanted to come back to make amends with her daughter. Regina’s like “You killed the love of my life and forced me to marry the king. I don’t think so.” But then Cora mentions that she ran into a fairy, who talked about pixie dust and a man with a lion tattoo. Ahh, Tinkerbell. She needs to come back as our ship needs our captain. Anyway, Cora offers to find Regina’s soul mate so that her daughter will be happy.

(Mother-Daughter reunion)

Aww?

Emma’s yellow bug pulls up in Storybrooke, a black minivan behind it. The Charmings, Hook and Henry run up to meet Emma as she gets out of the car. Maleficent hangs back, waiting to see her daughter. Emma hugs Henry and then Hook, but flinches away from her mother when Mary Margaret steps forward for one. Emma then helps Lily out of the car and brings her over to Maleficent, introducing the two.

(Time for another Mother-Daughter reunion)

Cut for time: An Outlaw Queen scene where Robin and Regina get out of the black minivan. No doubt there was more discussed between the two and there was a Robin/Henry hug! There were pictures from the set, so we know this was filmed. I hope this ends up as a deleted scene somewhere.

Lily and Maleficent go to Granny’s for some mother-daughter bonding. Maleficent tells her daughter she’s beautiful but all Lily wants to do is get revenge on the Charmings. Maleficent says that they’ve wasted so much time already that they shouldn’t focus on revenge. Lily tells her that she’s always wondered how two humans stole an egg from a dragon but she realizes it’s because Maleficent is a “pushover.” She taunts her mother before trying to flounce out of there. Maleficent tries to stop her, saying Lily won’t be able to get back into Storybrooke and Maleficent can’t leave without turning into ashes. Lily’s like “Too bad, so sad” and then she gets to finally flounce out.

(Well, that went poorly)

We pay a visit to Storybrooke General as Regina introduces her sister to her new home—a nice padded cell. She explains that Zelena’s doctors are all upstairs, so there’s no need for her to leave and cause more trouble. Zelena taunts her, using her unborn child to do so. Regina just smiles and pretty much taunts Zelena back. She closes the door and passes by a nurse who looks like she’ll be a pitbull should Zelena try to escape.

Regina heads to Gold’s, where his heart is turning blacker and blacker. It’s almost like the Grinch in reverse. The Author explains that he needs to make ink and apparently, he needs the darkness in Emma’s blood to make it. Really? Because a few episodes ago, even the Author seemed to think “Turn the Savior dark” was a stupid plan. Anyway, Regina hears that and says that the Author is coming with her. Gold is in no position to stop her except to dangle the pen in front of her. She realizes he’s in pain and says he can’t die. He’s the Dark One. But he points out Rumplestiltskin can. Regina looks sad for a hot second before she snatches the pen, the Author and poofs out of the store. Gold hits the floor.

The floor is really popular.

Cora enters the tavern, now under new management. She didn’t dress for the occasion and so she stands out like a sore thumb. The Sheriff of Nottingham makes a beeline for her, like a moth to the flame. He lays it on thick and she explains she’s looking for a man—a particular man for her daughter. Cora explains that he has a tattoo on his forearm, a lion against a black shield. The Sheriff knows she’s talking about Robin Hood. He tells her that he’s a sanctimonious blowhard who thinks he’s a special snowflake because he steals from the rich to give to the poor. Her daughter doesn’t want him. Especially as he’s married to some “sickly tart no one else would want.” Except you, Sheriff? But if Cora wants him, she’ll just have to name a price. Cora seems intrigued with the Sheriff.

(The Sheriff gets more screen time than Robin in this. Not fair)

In Regina’s vault, she talks with the Author about getting her happy ending. The Author is down for that. He tells her that she’s always been his favorite and that she does get a lot of crap heaped on top of her. Regina’s torn between “You’re preaching to the choir” and “How does that make me your favorite?” She shows him Page 23 and says that Robin found it. The Author is amazed and reveals that it was just something for a side project he never completed. That’s right, folks, page 23 was nothing more than an excerpt from that AU fanfiction draft you never meant anyone to see. He says something must be looking out for Regina if they gave her that page.

(This was just a discarded AU fanfic draft?)

Regina—and Outlaw Queen fans—are disappointed. She then asks if she can get her happy ending. The Author says he can write her whatever she wants—provided she get the ingredients needed for ink. But Emma isn’t dark. So Regina decides to go for Plan B.

Plan B just so happens to be Lily, who is sitting outside the Dark Star pharmacy as she waits for a bus. Regina tells her that she’ll be sitting there for a long time. Or she could just wait to hop that train that apparently comes through Storybrooke at night. Regina says that they it’s time they got what they deserved. Lily just wants to get out of there.

Henry Sr. brushes his daughter’s hair as Cora enters. He’s surprised to see his wife but not too surprised when she dismisses him. She tells Regina that she’s found the Man with the Lion Tattoo. That’s he’s coming to the palace that night. Regina is agog and Cora poofs her a new dress to wear. She looks beautiful. Cora turns her daughter around to meet her soul mate…Except it’s really the Sheriff dressed up in Robin Hood’s clothing.

This can only end badly.

Regina reminds Lily about how Snow and Charming put all the darkness from Emma into her. And it’s nice and riled up in Lily. Since the woman won’t go with Regina, she cuts Lily’s hand and collects some of the blood so the Author can make his ink. Regina welcomes her to Storybrooke and then poofs out of there. Lily clutches her hand and her eyes turn yellow.

This can only end badly.

Mary Margaret and David are surprised to find Maleficent at their door. After she assures them she’s not there to kill them, she asks them for their help with Lily. She explains that she can’t connect with her daughter, who is leaving. David and Mary Margaret realize that Lily is acting a lot like Emma did back in the first two seasons. They explain her walls were up because she was afraid they’d hurt her like everyone else. Mary Margaret is sad as she admits they did. They agree to help Maleficent.

(They are the best at finding people)

Hook finds Emma at the harbor and they have a chat. It pretty much boils down to him encouraging her to forgive her parents and cute Captain Swan moments.

(Enjoy this moment, CSers)

The Charmings and Maleficent drive down one of Storybrooke’s deserted roads. A dragon flies overhead and they realize its Lily. They go after her before she can hurt herself or others.

Regina takes her fake soul mate to her apple tree and tells him about Daniel. He says she’s gone up in the world, going from clandestine meetings with the stable boy to being a queen. Regina asks if she really has gone up and admits she doesn’t feel so. The Sheriff tells her to let him take her in his strong arms, to hold her when she’s weak. That sets Regina off and she realizes his tattoo is fake. She realizes her mother did this and as the magical little lion attacks the Sheriff, she gets him to reveal that her mother and he plotted to pass himself off as her soul mate so he could be king and Regina could have a child. Cora was adamant about Regina having a child.

(This was a cool effect)

Maleficent and the Charmings search for Lily. Maleficent is worried because no one would’ve taught Lily how to fly and she believed she was too low. She could be seriously hurt. And in fact, they find her on the ground. Maleficent is awestruck as she realizes her daughter’s dragon form looks like hers before racing toward it. David tries to stop her but she says she’s her mother. Mary Margaret follows after her even as Lily rears up, blasting fire anywhere. Mary Margaret gets knocked against a rock and Lily keeps David and Maleficent from saving her for a bit.

But then Lily backs of and Maleficent follows her. David tends to an injured Mary Margaret as Emma runs up, concerned. She heals her mother and Mary Margaret apologizes for letting her down. Emma apologizes for freezing her out. She says they need to move on together because Mary Margaret is a hero and Emma’s mom. The two hug it out as David and Hook exchange looks.

(I may have something in my eye)

Maleficent tracks down Lily, who is no longer in dragon form and holds her hand. She sits down next to her daughter and tries to give her the little rattle she held onto for all those years. Maleficent rues the fact that it’s clearly too late and Lily confesses that she’s scared. That Maleficent is so open and wants a relationship but Lily tends to mess those up thanks to the darkness the Charmings put in her. Maleficent assures her that she likes darkness. She asks Lily to stay for a week to learn how to be a scary dragon bitch and Lily agrees.

(Now I've got something in my other eye)

You know, just like Emma promised Henry she would stay for a week way back in the pilot. Parallels!

Regina and the Author return to Zelena’s padded cell. She explains that the Author is going to write her a new story. Zelena asks what she’s going to do and Regina is vague, just saying she has the perfect choice. For the first time all episode, Zelena grows nervous and says that Regina wouldn’t want to ruin her second (third?) chance with Robin by erasing his baby. Regina clarifies, saying she’s having the Author write Zelena out of the story. No one—not Robin, not Regina—will remember her existing. Zelena grows upset and says that she never got to know their mother but she thinks she’s experiencing it through Regina now.

(Is actually starting to get concerned)

Cora goes to check on her daughter, asking how the date went. Regina says she should ask the man, snapping her fingers. The Sheriff’s image appears in the mirror. He is hanging upside down over flames. Cora’s like “At this rate, you’ll never get a man.” Regina snaps that she may not know what a soul mate is supposed to feel like but not like she did with that guy. She demands to know what her mother is doing and why she wants Regina to have a child.

Cora insists she wants Regina to have a child for herself but Regina is in full blown paranoia. She says that after the child is born, Regina will meet with an unfortunate death and Cora will be left to be the child’s regent. Cora will then be queen. Regina won’t let her do it and holds up a potion she made to make her sterile. Cora pleads with her not to take it but Regina does. As the potion takes effect, Cora tells Regina that she loves her and she wanted her to experience the love of a child. She tells her that if she wanted Regina’s throne, she’d find a more direct way to take it. (I don’t know. This is the woman with an elaborate plan to make her daughter queen). Cora tells Regina to take something to heart: That the only one standing in the way of her happiness is herself. Cora leaves as Regina yells that she doesn’t need her.

(Why doesn't Lana Parrilla have an Emmy yet?)

Back in the present, the Author asks Regina what she wants to do. She says nothing and Zelena breathes a sigh of relief. Regina explains that they were both hurt by Cora but in the end, she isn’t their enemy. And Zelena isn’t Regina’s greatest enemy and vice versa. Regina’s greatest enemy is herself. And she’s ending that. Robin rushes in, saying he had been looking for her everywhere. After Regina assures him she’s fine, she tells Zelena and Robin that she’s not standing in her own way anymore.

(Together again!)

Zelena scoffs that Regina is just another woman defining her happy ending as a man. Regina says that Robin isn’t her happy ending. No, her happy ending is the fact that she found a place where she belongs. She’s found her own little world. Robin’s a part of that world, yes, and they share a smile as he realizes she wants to give them another chance. Regina tells Zelena that she’ll be watching that world from very far away as she’s going to have very, very restrictive visitation rights. Regina tells her they’ll see her at the next ultrasound.

Regina chose herself as her happy ending. I’m so proud.

The Author asks if she wants him to write anything. While Outlaw Queen fans would like him to write the pregnancy away, Regina says that she has everything she needs. She goes to kiss Robin but the Author disappears, leaving behind a page. Regina picks up and reads that the the Author just wrote himself back to Gold’s shop.

Gold comes to and finds the Author standing there with the ink. He asks how he got it because deciding that’ll take too long. He tells the Author to start writing. The Author’s like “I need paper” and Gold poofs up a book that says “Heroes and Villains.” He declares it’s time for villains to get their happy endings as the Author begins to write:

“Once Upon a Time…”

(It's going down)

I’ve already expressed disappointment in the bar scene on my tumblr. There was so much more they could’ve gone into and they probably could’ve worded some of Robin’s lines better. But they’ve righted the SS Outlaw Queen. It needs some more patching, but we’re in better shape than we were last week!

It’s good that Emma and Mary Margaret have reconciled as well. All in time for things to go topsy turvy next week. Stay tuned!

Next week: Up is down, left is right, and black is white! Good luck!

Screen caps from here.