Children’s Show or Porn?

In this week’s episode, there were only two plots I feel: the “A” plot and the “B” plot. So, let’s get started!

Plot “A”: Hey, everybody! Lily’s trying to get pregnant! And she talks about it constantly. To the utter annoyance of Robin. Meanwhile, Barney is wearing a boutonniere. Why? Well, Barney has a theory that the times a man is more likely to get laid, he is wearing one: prom, weddings, funerals (and he thanks his grandmother for a redhead). Robin and Barney trade some banter before Robin insults him. This was exactly his plan because he pulls out a DVD and declares the return of Robin Sparkles!

If you don’t know Robin Sparkles, you must be new to the fandom. Welcome. Anyway, Robin Sparkles was Robin’s name when she was a big Canadian pop star. But that identity came from a Canadian show. Which is what Barney has on his DVD. And that show? “Space Teens.” After watching a bit, Barney declares it a porno and prepares to slap Marshall in a nice callback to “Slap Bet.” Robin stops him, swearing that the TV show was an educational one. She and her friend, Jessica Glitters, were two Canadian teens who traveled in a space ship and solved crimes using math. Barney, dejected, sits back down. But the show is so filled with innuendo, the gang can’t help themselves. Especially since you have Cobie Smulders paired with Pussycat Doll and Dancing with the Stars Season 10 champ Nicole Scherzinger and they are seen jumping around as if hitting an asteroid belt. And answering math questions from Alan Thicke which controlling a joystick that is obviously a phallus.

Because of everyone’s immaturity, Robin turns off the DVD and says they can finish it when they stop turning it into a porno. Lily wonders whatever happened to Jessica Glitters. Robin explains that they were best friends on the show and in real life until about five years ago. But Jessica still sends a Christmas card. Robin leaves and Ted decides to do some math. He finds Jessica’s last card and asks Lily to determine the age of Jessica’s child. She quickly says “Four years, three months.” That means that Robin and Jessica’s friendship fell apart because Jessica had a child. Especially since Robin doesn’t like children. Lily starts crying because she realizes she’s going to lose Robin.

Marshall convinces Lily to spend time with Robin and to not talk about babies or her pregnancy. And she does, but her resolve only lasts about 10 seconds. She tells Robin she’s going to have a baby as Robin correctly points out that Lily isn’t pregnant yet. They argue and decide not to be friends anymore. But Marshall doesn’t give Lily the comfort she wants because he thinks she’s in the wrong. Then he gives in and hugs her anyway. And then he takes her to Madison Square Garden and introduces her to the Rangers’ organist—Jessica!

Lily asks Marshall how he found Robin’s old friend and he gets into a long story that Jessica spares us from. Turns out that Barney found her in an attempt to buy her costume from Space Teens. As Jessica plays, complete with Lily and Marshall clapping along, she and Lily talk. It turns out Robin wasn’t the one who broke off the friendship, it was Jessica. She got pregnant and different priorities. She grew apart from Robin, who tried to maintain the friendship. Lily realizes she’s doing the same thing with Robin and runs out.

She finds Robin drowning her sorrows at the Hoser Hut, New York’s Canadian bar. Lily apologizes and says she was afraid Robin’s hatred of children would come between them. Robin says that she hates most children, but she’s going to love Lily’s. Which makes sense as we saw in the episode where she dated the man with a son, Robin goes on to have a pretty good relationship with Ted’s kids. They hug as the men approach the women. As the tender moment continues, Robin hears a familiar tune. She recognizes it as “The Beaver Song,” which she wouldn’t let Ted and Barney listen to for obvious reasons. She wants to know which one put on “The Beaver Song.”

But when she turns around, she sees it’s Jessica. They sing the song and despite it being innuendo-tastic, everyone treats the song as the warm song about friendship Robin kept insisting it was. In the end, everyone gets in on the song—even Alan Thicke, who was hiding behind the bar with two beavers for some reason.

Now for the “B” plot: While watching “Space Teens” and discussing the end of Robin’s relationship with Jessica, Ted reveals he is still friends with his childhood best friend—Punchy. Marshall argues that it isn’t much of a relationship: Ted and Punchy see each other once a year, Punchy punches him and reminds everyone of the time Ted crapped his pants. Ted decides to prove Marshall wrong and calls Punchy. They yell at each other and it ends with Ted telling Punchy “if you’re ever in New York.” He tells the others he feels bad for his friend, being stuck in Cleveland and in a dead end job.

And then Punchy ends up at Ted’s! Robin agrees to let Punchy crash on their couch. Punchy and Ted go to Times Square, which Punchy loved. Ted talks about the other New York sights, but Punchy only wants to see Times Square. Punchy ends up annoying every one of Ted’s friends and finally Ted himself. When Ted tells Punchy this, Punchy confesses that Ted’s call concerned him. We see him talking to a pretty brunette about how he worries about Ted, who she knows was left at the altar. Punchy tells her that he’s away from his family, lives in a little apartment that’s no where near Times Square and hasn’t found the right woman yet. Pretty Brunette suggests he surprise Ted and cheer him up. Ted says that Pretty Brunette sounds special and Punchy agrees. That’s why he’s going to marry her. And he wants Ted to be his best man. Ted agrees.

So, we got a nice Lily-Robin storyline, more Robin Sparkles, and Nicole Scherzinger. Also, we now know that the wedding in the season premiere is Punchy’s—so Ted will meet his future wife there. Looking forward to it? And will we see more of Robin Sparkles in the future?

Moment of the Episode:

While Marshall’s face and Barney’s posture during the almost slap was funny, I think I loved the tag more—Jessica and Robin singing “The Beaver Song” with Alan Thicke and representations of Canada.

Even I Know Storm Troopers Aren't Robots. Please.

Now that he’s in a committed relationship, Barney bequeaths his porn collection to Ted. Marshall tries to rifle through it but Ted decides to get rid of it. But Future!Ted tells his children that something unfortunate happened. He just so happened to trip and the container just so happened to open. One tape just so happened to fall out, fly around the room and ended up in his VCR. And the box just so happened to hit the play button and Ted just so happened to fall on to his couch, all the while saying, “Oh no” in a deadpan. The porno he just so happened to end up watching? “ArchiSexTure.” I’m still disappointed in the lack of “Ted Mosby, Porn Star” references. But instead of porn, Ted sees Barney. Barney says he figured Ted would go for this particular tape. And if Ted is watching it, then either Barney is dead or in a committed relationship. If he’s dead, he wants Ted to take his body and recreate “Weekend at Bernie’s”. If he’s in a committed relationship, he pleas with Ted to get him out of it.

Credits!

Now Marshall and Lily watch the video with Ted, which Barney seems prepared for. He tells them he is most likely miserable and it is Ted’s duty as his best friend to bail him out. But the three refuse to believe that Barney isn’t happy with Robin. But Future!Ted tells his children that he started to actually watch Robin and Barney. Barney was constantly eating and Robin couldn’t stand listening to him anymore. Neil Patrick Harris donned a fat suit and Robin looks like she hasn’t seen her brush or her make up in years. Ted is determined to follow Porn!Tape!Barney’s wishes, but is outvoted by Lily and Marshall—who believe Robin and Barney are happy.

However, Marshall spends sometime with the new Barney. He watches in disgust as Barney devours ribs and goes on about how delicious they are suddenly. He also tells Marshall how his sex drive has died. Marshall returns to Ted’s and agrees to help break up Robin and Barney. They decide to unleash the Kraken—also known as Lily, who has broken up several of Ted’s relationships. But she refuses, saying she is a matchmaker now. She turns down Ted’s request to set him up though. So Marshall and Ted set about to break up Barney and Robin by themselves.

Ted recalls an episode from season 2, when he and Robin were dating. It was when they were out at a restaurant and Robin freaked because she thought Ted was proposing after finding a ring in her champagne. Except that it was totally meant for another couple at another table who got engaged—for reals! Wonder how that couple is doing today? Ted and Marshall decide to make Robin think that Barney is proposing. They are the two most commitment phobic people on the face of the earth—it’ll freak them out and they’ll break up. Except that it backfires. Robin and Barney are already committed and living together, so they decide to make it official in the least romantic engagement ever.

Lily wants to kill the two of them. She gladly accepts Robin’s offer to be her maid of honor before planning to break the couple up. She decides to recreate the couple’s four biggest fights—the dirty dishes, Barney’s sexual past, America vs Canada and the Star Wars fight. We see Robin mocking the giant Storm Trooper in Barney’s apartment, calling it a robot. She decides to call in Alan Thicke, a Canadian himself and part of Robin’s “Sandcastles in the Sand” video, to “run into” Robin and Barney. Then Crazy Meg would show up to remind Robin of Barney’s past. At the same time, a Storm Trooper would go by. When Robin and Barney are ready to kill each other—a busboy with dirty dishes would happen to stroll by. Good bye, Barney and Robin. Marshall and Ted are in awe.

Marshall, though, is not thrilled about doing their stakeout work from a station wagon. Ted argues that a van cost too much. And the plan continues to unravel. Alan Thicke shows up early. The pizza won’t fit in the station wagon. Alan Thicke’s dialogue is just him reminding us he’s Alan Thicke. They didn’t have any Storm Troopers, so Lily got the robot from “Lost in Space”—she also thinks Storm Troopers are robots. She gets upset when she realizes that they blew up the Death Star with real people on board. Crazy Meg shows up. Finally, they fear that the couple has spotted them. Marshall and Ted want to abort but Lily is determined to go through with this. She sends in the artillery, but in the end, Robin and Barney part with a kiss.

The gang realizes that the two really love each other and toast that at MacLaren’s, with Alan Thicke. Robin shows up and looks like her usual groomed self. She reveals that Barney and she broke up. Turns out that when the stakeout crew thought they were made, Barney and Robin just saw their reflections in the window. They admitted they weren’t happy anymore. They reasoned they were just too awesome to be a couple. Barney is afraid that they’ll have the awkward aftermath where they can’t be friends anymore, though it’s worked out for Robin and Ted. They agree, though, to being friends again and we see Lily’s plan awkwardly fail. Barney and Robin part with a good-bye kiss. The others are impressed with the break up. They get a shiver and we see all the girls turn toward the door as a slimmed down, freshly suited-up Barney returns to MacLaren’s in all his glory. He’s back.

Tag: Alan Thicke and Robin hug. Barney mentions “Sandcastles in the Sand” and Alan Thicke mentions a failed variety show. Barney waits a few seconds before running out of the bar to go find it. Can’t wait to see it!

I’m torn. I really, really liked Barney and Robin together but the show did seem to make them miserable in their relationship. And you know what, I blame Lily. She forced Robin and Barney to define their relationship and you can’t do that with these two. I think they’re relationship couldn’t be so inclusive, so defined. They needed to just be together but not a couple-couple, like Lily and Marshall. Barney and Robin like that was too unnatural for them.

Quote of the Episode:

“Let’s not think of it as a break-up, but two friends getting back together.”—Robin, about their break-up.